I've been sick. I've been away. We have been busy. He was sick too, early on. The thing is that I haven't been much of a sub. I've been feeble, pathetic. And he has been pretty patient, with some exceptions I would say, where he wanted what he wanted and was determined to get it. But overall, he has been patient; til last night. Where I could see him run out of patience.
Last night he started touching me, trying to turn me on. And it worked, eventually. But I think he was annoyed at how slow it was; a bit surprised, a bit unimpressed. He pulled back a bit and then asked me what happens when I don't crave sex when he wants that, when I'm not as hungry for it as he wants me. The answer, sometimes he forces it on me, is rough with me, forcing my mouth open, forcing my legs wide, forcing me to take it, and in taking it, to love it. Other times he takes it away, making me crawl for it.
Today, I wake up wanting it more, but also nervously aware of that little interaction that occurred last night. And I know that I risk by drawing attention to it. Perhaps if I say nothing it will drift by. But by this post I shine a light on it, and probably increase his probability of action against me. I have reasons, excuses for why I wasn't as hungry for him as he wanted me last night. I was tired, long week, and lots of interruptions and possible risk as he was starting to play with me.
But the fact is that I wasn't what he wanted in that moment. And after giving that a little thought this morning, it seems like what I should do is want to be what he wants, both then and now.
Does he want me to crawl? Will he make me beg? Will he deny me, deprive me? Or will he continue as if nothing at all had been amiss. The moment was tiny, a flash of time. Will he punish me for it in a tiny flash of time or not at all, or will he push me down and make me crawl?
The choice is his of course.
carpe diem
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Bondage
His hands are hard as they hold her, gripping her tightly to keep her still, rolling her onto her stomach, pressing her into the hard floor. They are cruel as they tie her, pulling the ropes tight, tying knots. He binds her elbows together, her hands behind her back. Her binds her legs together, her knees and feet together. He moves her easily, his hands strong as he does as he pleases with her, moving her this way and that in order to tie her as he wishes.
Once she is tied he rolls her over, facing up for the moment, unbuttons her blouse, revealing pretty breasts, in a pretty bra. The front closure opens to show nipples, hard, pointed. He rubs his thumbs over them, then twists them quickly.
She starts to make a sound, of welcome or protest, and he holds his hand over her mouth to prevent it. He puts a gag in her mouth, buckling it tight, preventing speech.
He looks down at her, tied, gagged, exposed a bit. She looks back up at him, her eyes pleading. He leaves here there to think.
Once she is tied he rolls her over, facing up for the moment, unbuttons her blouse, revealing pretty breasts, in a pretty bra. The front closure opens to show nipples, hard, pointed. He rubs his thumbs over them, then twists them quickly.
She starts to make a sound, of welcome or protest, and he holds his hand over her mouth to prevent it. He puts a gag in her mouth, buckling it tight, preventing speech.
He looks down at her, tied, gagged, exposed a bit. She looks back up at him, her eyes pleading. He leaves here there to think.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Domestic bliss
This morning I was part of a conversation which included several couples. One husband (from couple A) commented that he really liked to sleep on freshly ironed sheets, but the best thing for him was a freshly ironed pillowcase. The other wives were quite scathing about his wife ironing his pillowcases. I remarked on it (I will be couple B) since I don't do that for myself or my man, and wouldn't want to. I hate ironing and can't imagine ironing sheets! But, it made me think that we do all do things for our spouses, our lovers, that tell them that we care about them, think about them, want to please them. Whether its flowers for valentines day, or the food that they love, or freshly ironed sheets or pillowcases, we do things to please the special people in our lives.
I think that as parents we do them unashamedly, wanting to please and help and support our children when possible (until or unless it becomes clear that others think we are spoiling our children).
But with our lovers I think it can become common to look for fair or appropriate. We are afraid of being taken advantage of, taken for granted. In a relationship of equals why would I iron his pillowcases? Wouldn't he take it for granted? What if he didn't even notice?
I think that the feminists in that conversation, and I am one of them, and their somewhat nervous spouses all understood that it wouldn't be appropriate to have someone do those chores simply because she was the female partner. But how nice to have someone do something thoughtful for us.
I expect that the couple A wife does think of her husband and of pleasing him as she irons his pillowcases. I expect that he does notice it with pleasure, and probably comments on it regularly. At least regularly enough to keep her doing it. Are they perhaps more D/s than I think? Maybe he insists that she iron for him, perhaps this is one of his fetishes, one of her regular tasks. I don't know.
I do know, that I was also struck by the couple (Couple C) who absolutely would not do it. Where there seems to be no behaviour which isn't completely reciprocal and fair. Where every task must be shared, and all the misery of it apportioned out for everyone to partake in. I am struck when I visit them or talk to them by how rigorously they enforce this. She notes that she hates that he doesn't sort his socks and put them away, and yet she doesn't do it. They bicker over dishes and other chores too. They used to leave them for days, til every dish in the house was dirty and it was a mammoth job. How sad to not want to please a partner, how sad to not have a partner who wants to please us.
I do think that even in most D/s relationships the Dominant wants to please the submissive. He wants her content enough that she stays in the relationship, and keeps coming back to him for more. I know that things aren't equal. Maybe the Dominant gives the sub pain or humiliation or a beating, while she sorts his socks and tidies his closets.
And I am not equating domestic bliss with submission or with happiness either, though I do admit it sounds like it in this post. I am not a domestic goddess, its typically not something I enjoy, but I do like being appreciated.
And I like when my man fixes things for me, does the grocery shopping, plans a session that he knows I will enjoy. I like knowing that he has wanted me happy.
I admit that sometimes my relationship slides into one similar to couple C's. Where we are adversarial and competitive and I feel like I am being taken advantage of, taken for granted, and I hate that and resist doing things that take my time and energy and seem unappreciated. And I think that Couple A is ritualized and old fashioned and sucky and I hope that he does things to appreciate her.
I live somewhere in the middle, depending on the day. I don't want to smother my men, don't want to waste my time or energy doing things that they don't appreciate, perhaps even doing things that they don't want done. But I do want to offer my services, my love, my hands or my vulnerability to show that I care.
I think that as parents we do them unashamedly, wanting to please and help and support our children when possible (until or unless it becomes clear that others think we are spoiling our children).
But with our lovers I think it can become common to look for fair or appropriate. We are afraid of being taken advantage of, taken for granted. In a relationship of equals why would I iron his pillowcases? Wouldn't he take it for granted? What if he didn't even notice?
I think that the feminists in that conversation, and I am one of them, and their somewhat nervous spouses all understood that it wouldn't be appropriate to have someone do those chores simply because she was the female partner. But how nice to have someone do something thoughtful for us.
I expect that the couple A wife does think of her husband and of pleasing him as she irons his pillowcases. I expect that he does notice it with pleasure, and probably comments on it regularly. At least regularly enough to keep her doing it. Are they perhaps more D/s than I think? Maybe he insists that she iron for him, perhaps this is one of his fetishes, one of her regular tasks. I don't know.
I do know, that I was also struck by the couple (Couple C) who absolutely would not do it. Where there seems to be no behaviour which isn't completely reciprocal and fair. Where every task must be shared, and all the misery of it apportioned out for everyone to partake in. I am struck when I visit them or talk to them by how rigorously they enforce this. She notes that she hates that he doesn't sort his socks and put them away, and yet she doesn't do it. They bicker over dishes and other chores too. They used to leave them for days, til every dish in the house was dirty and it was a mammoth job. How sad to not want to please a partner, how sad to not have a partner who wants to please us.
I do think that even in most D/s relationships the Dominant wants to please the submissive. He wants her content enough that she stays in the relationship, and keeps coming back to him for more. I know that things aren't equal. Maybe the Dominant gives the sub pain or humiliation or a beating, while she sorts his socks and tidies his closets.
And I am not equating domestic bliss with submission or with happiness either, though I do admit it sounds like it in this post. I am not a domestic goddess, its typically not something I enjoy, but I do like being appreciated.
And I like when my man fixes things for me, does the grocery shopping, plans a session that he knows I will enjoy. I like knowing that he has wanted me happy.
I admit that sometimes my relationship slides into one similar to couple C's. Where we are adversarial and competitive and I feel like I am being taken advantage of, taken for granted, and I hate that and resist doing things that take my time and energy and seem unappreciated. And I think that Couple A is ritualized and old fashioned and sucky and I hope that he does things to appreciate her.
I live somewhere in the middle, depending on the day. I don't want to smother my men, don't want to waste my time or energy doing things that they don't appreciate, perhaps even doing things that they don't want done. But I do want to offer my services, my love, my hands or my vulnerability to show that I care.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
33 Questions
I found this at Kaya's blog and wanted to answer... Is it just because I am a Kaya groupie? Or is it because I have the need to tell too much about myself? Dunno. Anyway, here are the questions...
1. Can you cook?
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. What zodiac sign are you ?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. Do we know each other outside of blogging?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you:
16. Do you have any pets?
17. Do you know how to do the macarena?
18. What time is it where you are now?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22. What color eyes do you have?
23. Ever been arrested?
24. Favorite fictional character of all time?
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
26. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
27. What’s your favorite hangout?
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30. Do you swear a lot?
31. Biggest pet peeve?
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
Please answer if you are reading this, I would love to know.
1. Can you cook?
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. What zodiac sign are you ?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. Do we know each other outside of blogging?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you:
16. Do you have any pets?
17. Do you know how to do the macarena?
18. What time is it where you are now?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22. What color eyes do you have?
23. Ever been arrested?
24. Favorite fictional character of all time?
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
26. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
27. What’s your favorite hangout?
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30. Do you swear a lot?
31. Biggest pet peeve?
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
Please answer if you are reading this, I would love to know.
The strange disappearance of my blog
The strangest thing... I got a message a little while ago that all my blog entries were missing. The basic blog structure still seemed to be there, but the entries themselves were gone, and if you clicked on them they were there, but just clicking on the month still produced a big fat nothing.
I had some time while I thought they were all gone to think about being dismayed, and then to realize that I wasn't actually as dismayed as I would have expected. I don't like the idea of losing my work, but I could start again.
More dismaying is the realization that I don't know what caused it so it could happen again.
Technology is hard to work sometimes, and so unforgiving.
Keep your fingers crossed for me?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Blogs
The fascinating thing about reading blogs to me, is the story behind them. Its like finding a book that you like and then being able to read both backward and forward in time to get more info. The books you like you get to read more of, the books you don't like you can just abandon and no one cares. That's awesome isn't it?
When I find a blog I like I scroll back, reading earlier entries, and then sometimes I start at the beginning and read forward. It rarely holds me, especially if the blog has lots of entries. The style will have evolved from early days to what it is when i found it, and typically the story line isn't always that engaging.
Occasionally its all terrific, all the way back to the dawn of time. But there are very few like that. I think that even the best ones have low points don't they? Where the entries are either sad or dull or mundane. Where if it was a novel you would skim for the next interesting part. If it was a friend you might hope they could pull their life back together. Actually I think sometimes the dull parts in blogs are when the bloggers are the most comfortable in their real lives, with no angst to blog about.
The attraction to blogs is not about the sex for me, its about the stories. I do think the sex adds spice to the blogs I like, to the stories I like. The photos add nothing at all to the story for me, though I do get that for lots of people the pics add a great deal. All the bodice rippers and love stories I read in high school and college had no pics and I read them voraciously. And the porn I read now (yes I confess it, when I am not reading blogs, I'm reading porn) doesn't include pictures.
I love the stories in blogs, my latest favourite is The Heron Clan http://www.theheronclan.blogspot.com/ which makes me want to write a story loosely based on one entry that particularly struck me. I love the shock of Kaya's blog don't you? http://underhishand.com/ Its hard to imagine living that and I think the most fascinating thing about it is the contrast between the shocking violence and the mundane housewife and the thoughtful way in which they combine sometimes. I love the writing in Gray Lily's blog, http://www.journeyintosubmission.com/ though I have found her sad lately, but when she writes about her submission its in such beautiful detail that i adore it. I like the violence and cruelty in the fucktoymemoirs and the shock and humiliation in Slut on Display which I won't link because they are friends only.
There are blogs that have ended too, ended without warning, deleting all, (thank you for coming back Tess!), or just stopping, either planned or unplanned. Its strangely traumatic isn't it, because we feel like we know these blogging people who write to us.
Do you ever want to ask the bloggers questions? Really nosy ones, like "do you give him your paycheck?" and "aren't you jealous when that happens?" and "didn't his first wife hate that?" I do. But questions like that are hard to work into a comment conversation aren't they? And don't you want to hear way more from the Dominants? Like what motivates them to do the things they do.
Comments?
When I find a blog I like I scroll back, reading earlier entries, and then sometimes I start at the beginning and read forward. It rarely holds me, especially if the blog has lots of entries. The style will have evolved from early days to what it is when i found it, and typically the story line isn't always that engaging.
Occasionally its all terrific, all the way back to the dawn of time. But there are very few like that. I think that even the best ones have low points don't they? Where the entries are either sad or dull or mundane. Where if it was a novel you would skim for the next interesting part. If it was a friend you might hope they could pull their life back together. Actually I think sometimes the dull parts in blogs are when the bloggers are the most comfortable in their real lives, with no angst to blog about.
The attraction to blogs is not about the sex for me, its about the stories. I do think the sex adds spice to the blogs I like, to the stories I like. The photos add nothing at all to the story for me, though I do get that for lots of people the pics add a great deal. All the bodice rippers and love stories I read in high school and college had no pics and I read them voraciously. And the porn I read now (yes I confess it, when I am not reading blogs, I'm reading porn) doesn't include pictures.
I love the stories in blogs, my latest favourite is The Heron Clan http://www.theheronclan.blogspot.com/ which makes me want to write a story loosely based on one entry that particularly struck me. I love the shock of Kaya's blog don't you? http://underhishand.com/ Its hard to imagine living that and I think the most fascinating thing about it is the contrast between the shocking violence and the mundane housewife and the thoughtful way in which they combine sometimes. I love the writing in Gray Lily's blog, http://www.journeyintosubmission.com/ though I have found her sad lately, but when she writes about her submission its in such beautiful detail that i adore it. I like the violence and cruelty in the fucktoymemoirs and the shock and humiliation in Slut on Display which I won't link because they are friends only.
There are blogs that have ended too, ended without warning, deleting all, (thank you for coming back Tess!), or just stopping, either planned or unplanned. Its strangely traumatic isn't it, because we feel like we know these blogging people who write to us.
Do you ever want to ask the bloggers questions? Really nosy ones, like "do you give him your paycheck?" and "aren't you jealous when that happens?" and "didn't his first wife hate that?" I do. But questions like that are hard to work into a comment conversation aren't they? And don't you want to hear way more from the Dominants? Like what motivates them to do the things they do.
Comments?
Curiosity
Yesterday he got a message from an old submissive (previous submissive, probably not really old). Which probably just said hi happy Valentines Day. And which probably just made him smile. Not sure.
He doesn't talk much about the submissives who preceded me, and of course I am dying to know. I say I am curious. He says I am nosy.
And that's completely true. I am nosy, curious about details of the lives of strangers, wondering what makes them tick, and the back stories on all kinds of things that will never be relevant to me. I am soooo much more curious about his history.
I think its about wanting to know what made him what he is today, the forces that shaped him. I am curious about all the little details of it, what he liked from them and why. I want to know when he started to like giving pain, how that became part of power transfer for him.
And naturally I want to know about them too, what they were like, what he liked about them, how they are the same as or different from me.
He's private about them, which makes me crazy. I want to know them, talk to them, compare girlfriendy experiences about him with them. I get that that is all not going to happen, but, I do wish it could.
Is that crazy?
He doesn't talk much about the submissives who preceded me, and of course I am dying to know. I say I am curious. He says I am nosy.
And that's completely true. I am nosy, curious about details of the lives of strangers, wondering what makes them tick, and the back stories on all kinds of things that will never be relevant to me. I am soooo much more curious about his history.
I think its about wanting to know what made him what he is today, the forces that shaped him. I am curious about all the little details of it, what he liked from them and why. I want to know when he started to like giving pain, how that became part of power transfer for him.
And naturally I want to know about them too, what they were like, what he liked about them, how they are the same as or different from me.
He's private about them, which makes me crazy. I want to know them, talk to them, compare girlfriendy experiences about him with them. I get that that is all not going to happen, but, I do wish it could.
Is that crazy?
Valentine's Day Thoughts
I was sick yesterday on Valentine's Day, but am feeling better and have some thoughts. For a while, early in our relationship I thought that Valentine's Day wasn't really a day to be celebrated by Dominant and submissive. It seemed to me that it had evolved from a kind of medieval courtly love tradition where the man adored his lady, even putting her on a pedestal. I think this struck me as too incongruous to reconcile with bdsm, so I dismissed it.
In my relationship, by the time the first Valentine's Day rolled around it was very evident that our relationship was not about me being on a pedestal, but rather on a leash at his feet. I was coming to terms with the idea that he could hurt me and love me. I was coming to terms with the idea that I liked the pain and wanted more of it. And I was just starting to come to terms with the fact that I loved him too.
In our relationship, the strongest bond is often created out of pain, or humiliation, struggle of some kind. He tries to avoid this generalization sometimes I think, because he doesn't like the idea that the bond only comes from that (and I didn't say "only" and I did say "often" not "always"). I think our bond comes from shared emotion, from trust and love and joy and pain and pleasure, from our delight in finding and exploring each other, from our thrill when the other lets us see inside. And probably from lots of other things that escape me at the moment.
It still seems strange to me that such a relationship would be celebrated by hearts and flowers, chocolate (OK, there's really never a bad day to celebrate with chocolate), and satin and lace. Its as if the whole world pauses and gets all coy and sugary about love and sex. Our relationship is coarser than that most of the time. Its rarely coy, although I can be. Its rarely sweet, although it has its moments. Its often sexual, naughty, dirty. Is it exalted? Sometimes it feels that way.
The sweet, coy, valentine-y moments aren't why I'm in it. They are an occasional by-product of a relationship that I love passionately, a man that I love passionately. They aren't the main event for me. They aren't my objective. So the day that celebrates those things in a relationship makes me a bit uneasy.
And yet, its not that I don't feel those things for him sometimes, and I certainly want him to feel them for me. Just not as the ultimate expression of our love.
For me, the ultimate expression of our relationship is darker. Its about things that I get only from him, and that I imagine he gets only (or best?) from me. Does that darker side have its own special day of celebration? Should it?
I've talked around this a lot with him over the past couple of days, trying to express some of my unease with it. And in fact, the unease isn't as strong as it was in the early days. I think because I no longer fear that he will toss aside our darkness for the hearts and flowers of a sweeter, more traditional relationship. I am confident now that he wants what I want. And in that confidence I can treasure the sweetness that comes sometimes.
So Happy Valentine's Day to All
In my relationship, by the time the first Valentine's Day rolled around it was very evident that our relationship was not about me being on a pedestal, but rather on a leash at his feet. I was coming to terms with the idea that he could hurt me and love me. I was coming to terms with the idea that I liked the pain and wanted more of it. And I was just starting to come to terms with the fact that I loved him too.
In our relationship, the strongest bond is often created out of pain, or humiliation, struggle of some kind. He tries to avoid this generalization sometimes I think, because he doesn't like the idea that the bond only comes from that (and I didn't say "only" and I did say "often" not "always"). I think our bond comes from shared emotion, from trust and love and joy and pain and pleasure, from our delight in finding and exploring each other, from our thrill when the other lets us see inside. And probably from lots of other things that escape me at the moment.
It still seems strange to me that such a relationship would be celebrated by hearts and flowers, chocolate (OK, there's really never a bad day to celebrate with chocolate), and satin and lace. Its as if the whole world pauses and gets all coy and sugary about love and sex. Our relationship is coarser than that most of the time. Its rarely coy, although I can be. Its rarely sweet, although it has its moments. Its often sexual, naughty, dirty. Is it exalted? Sometimes it feels that way.
The sweet, coy, valentine-y moments aren't why I'm in it. They are an occasional by-product of a relationship that I love passionately, a man that I love passionately. They aren't the main event for me. They aren't my objective. So the day that celebrates those things in a relationship makes me a bit uneasy.
And yet, its not that I don't feel those things for him sometimes, and I certainly want him to feel them for me. Just not as the ultimate expression of our love.
For me, the ultimate expression of our relationship is darker. Its about things that I get only from him, and that I imagine he gets only (or best?) from me. Does that darker side have its own special day of celebration? Should it?
I've talked around this a lot with him over the past couple of days, trying to express some of my unease with it. And in fact, the unease isn't as strong as it was in the early days. I think because I no longer fear that he will toss aside our darkness for the hearts and flowers of a sweeter, more traditional relationship. I am confident now that he wants what I want. And in that confidence I can treasure the sweetness that comes sometimes.
So Happy Valentine's Day to All
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Games
I titled the last post, "The Game" and described how my Dom took away my permission to orgasm. I wrote it and was happy with it, then slapped labels and a title on it, and went away. But after giving it some thought, I realize I am not happy with the title.
Although it does often seem like a game to me, I don't think it really is to him. From my point of view it seems like he is whimsical, and that sometimes he must be laughing at me.
When we have talked about this, he says that he isn't at all whimsical, which I don't completely believe. I think we are defining it differently, and that in fact, if you take away any negative implications, he is just doing it because he wants to, because he can, because he wants me to act in a certain way so that he can get happiness from it.
Which leaves the question of whether he laughs at me. I want to say the answer is no. Sometimes it must be yes. Must be. So many opportunities, with me in so many ridiculous situations. I think that's the point of humiliation sometimes isn't it?
Food for thought. But perhaps the title should have been Obedience or Whimsy?
Although it does often seem like a game to me, I don't think it really is to him. From my point of view it seems like he is whimsical, and that sometimes he must be laughing at me.
When we have talked about this, he says that he isn't at all whimsical, which I don't completely believe. I think we are defining it differently, and that in fact, if you take away any negative implications, he is just doing it because he wants to, because he can, because he wants me to act in a certain way so that he can get happiness from it.
Which leaves the question of whether he laughs at me. I want to say the answer is no. Sometimes it must be yes. Must be. So many opportunities, with me in so many ridiculous situations. I think that's the point of humiliation sometimes isn't it?
Food for thought. But perhaps the title should have been Obedience or Whimsy?
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Game
On Saturday he took away my right to cum. He said that if I wanted to cum I had to ask permission. I always hate when he does that. It makes me feel unattractive and undesirable, and it makes me cranky. It makes me feel like I am being punished.
We often wind up fighting about it when he does this, because it never winds up the way he hope it will. I think in his mind I spoil it. In my mind of course its a horrible thing and if he is going to do it, he has to compensate for it somehow so that I don't feel like he doesn't even notice much less appreciate how vital it is to me.
This time, when he did it, I was hurt, feeling punished and feeling, as I often do that when he takes it, he doesn't understand how important it is to me. He lectured a bit, telling me to be submissive about it, which I truly wasn't feeling at all at that point. Fortunately our time was limited at first and I really had very little time to get pouty before I had to go. And I had the presence of mind to ask him to help me to be submissive and even sexual.
And by the time we were together again, I was feeling more submissive and he was feeling more like helping me, and somehow those things came together to make for a very very sexual and submissive and exciting day.
He played with me a lot, denied me a lot, and it was fantastic. Better than orgasms would have been? Well, I don't want to go on record saying that but it was unbelievably hot, poised on the knife edge of orgasm for ages. Mmmm.
And then, last night, as a reward for taking it the way I did, he gave them back to me. Ages before I had thought he would. Ages before I went looking for them. I assume this was his way of thanking me for not wrecking it for once.
And of course, he will want to play it again, and I likely won't be the sweet sub that I was this time, but, just this one time it was nice to not disappoint at that game.
We often wind up fighting about it when he does this, because it never winds up the way he hope it will. I think in his mind I spoil it. In my mind of course its a horrible thing and if he is going to do it, he has to compensate for it somehow so that I don't feel like he doesn't even notice much less appreciate how vital it is to me.
This time, when he did it, I was hurt, feeling punished and feeling, as I often do that when he takes it, he doesn't understand how important it is to me. He lectured a bit, telling me to be submissive about it, which I truly wasn't feeling at all at that point. Fortunately our time was limited at first and I really had very little time to get pouty before I had to go. And I had the presence of mind to ask him to help me to be submissive and even sexual.
And by the time we were together again, I was feeling more submissive and he was feeling more like helping me, and somehow those things came together to make for a very very sexual and submissive and exciting day.
He played with me a lot, denied me a lot, and it was fantastic. Better than orgasms would have been? Well, I don't want to go on record saying that but it was unbelievably hot, poised on the knife edge of orgasm for ages. Mmmm.
And then, last night, as a reward for taking it the way I did, he gave them back to me. Ages before I had thought he would. Ages before I went looking for them. I assume this was his way of thanking me for not wrecking it for once.
And of course, he will want to play it again, and I likely won't be the sweet sub that I was this time, but, just this one time it was nice to not disappoint at that game.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Masturbation
One of the things I have to do is to confess when I have been masturbating. This is always humiliating for me, and it really never seems to get much easier. I find various ways of dealing with the humiliation. I hurry through telling it, I leave brief messages when I know he isn't there telling I masturbated and came. Sometimes I tell a little more, always hoping he won't come back to it and ask more or talk about it. I think my hopes are fulfilled about 2% of the time. And I think there's a good chance he actually doesn't notice that I have said it some of those times.
He usually makes me tell how I have done it. What toys I used. Whether I read porn, which is almost always the case. Often, lately, he makes me tell what I have read (and its almost always something I have read rather than watched). Makes me show him the story. Makes me tell him where in the story I came, and what it was that triggered my cum. And how my orgasm was. And that I am a naughty girl or bad girl or slut. And while those words can be so hot to me sometimes, when he uses them in this context they just make me hot with the blush of humiliation.
Its intriguing to me that I can write this for the world to see (ok, maybe not the whole world, but you know what I mean) and not be stopped by humiliation when I am talking about how humiliating it is to confess and give details of my masturbation. So why the difference? I think its because when I write it here, its the general case. I don't have to say where or when or why. I don't have to say what it was that I read or what made me cum. Its just a discussion about how it still makes me uncomfortable even after years of it.
He doesn't usually forbid me from doing it, though sometimes that happens. Either as denial or as punishment. He doesn't usually define how it must be done. Though sometimes that happens too. In my pretty limited experience, all Dominants have some rules surrounding masturbation, because they want to control the sexuality and sexual behaviour of the submissive and its an obvious thing to put limits on.
When he does forbid masturbation, I hate it. It often makes me angry, or makes me utterly asexual, which eventually makes me feel undesirable and uninteresting, and blue. And then angry. And blue. Which is a bad spiral for me. Which means it takes maintenance from him. So, he often doesn't do it for long, unless it is as punishment.
When he left today, he left me heated up. And wanting to masturbate again. Which I would then have to tell about. Again. Humiliating.
He usually makes me tell how I have done it. What toys I used. Whether I read porn, which is almost always the case. Often, lately, he makes me tell what I have read (and its almost always something I have read rather than watched). Makes me show him the story. Makes me tell him where in the story I came, and what it was that triggered my cum. And how my orgasm was. And that I am a naughty girl or bad girl or slut. And while those words can be so hot to me sometimes, when he uses them in this context they just make me hot with the blush of humiliation.
Its intriguing to me that I can write this for the world to see (ok, maybe not the whole world, but you know what I mean) and not be stopped by humiliation when I am talking about how humiliating it is to confess and give details of my masturbation. So why the difference? I think its because when I write it here, its the general case. I don't have to say where or when or why. I don't have to say what it was that I read or what made me cum. Its just a discussion about how it still makes me uncomfortable even after years of it.
He doesn't usually forbid me from doing it, though sometimes that happens. Either as denial or as punishment. He doesn't usually define how it must be done. Though sometimes that happens too. In my pretty limited experience, all Dominants have some rules surrounding masturbation, because they want to control the sexuality and sexual behaviour of the submissive and its an obvious thing to put limits on.
When he does forbid masturbation, I hate it. It often makes me angry, or makes me utterly asexual, which eventually makes me feel undesirable and uninteresting, and blue. And then angry. And blue. Which is a bad spiral for me. Which means it takes maintenance from him. So, he often doesn't do it for long, unless it is as punishment.
When he left today, he left me heated up. And wanting to masturbate again. Which I would then have to tell about. Again. Humiliating.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
thoughts
He bought me one of those butterfly toys and used it on me today. It was amazing. I had a huge endless lazy sweet erotic build up and a huge orgasm. It left me wrung out. By the end I felt like I was completely dried out, from sweat and breathing through my mouth and cumming so hard. I feel that peace you get when you have just cum really hard.
But I think its an intermission.
He promised me pain today. At least I think he did. He advised me not to be too rough with my nipples today. Suggesting that there would be big pain to follow.
While we used the butterfly he put the clamps on me for a little while, the wide ones, and hung a weight from the chain, dangling in the middle. The pain overwhelmed the sex of the butterfly, it was 80% pain and 20% sex and I told him that. He took the clamps off me.
I was relieved. But even more I was disappointed I think. Pain is so confusing.
And if he reads this, will he read it as "I wanted more pain. I want more pain now"? And is that what I mean by it?
But I think its an intermission.
He promised me pain today. At least I think he did. He advised me not to be too rough with my nipples today. Suggesting that there would be big pain to follow.
While we used the butterfly he put the clamps on me for a little while, the wide ones, and hung a weight from the chain, dangling in the middle. The pain overwhelmed the sex of the butterfly, it was 80% pain and 20% sex and I told him that. He took the clamps off me.
I was relieved. But even more I was disappointed I think. Pain is so confusing.
And if he reads this, will he read it as "I wanted more pain. I want more pain now"? And is that what I mean by it?
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