punishment

After my sweet little post Saturday, and the one the day before you would think I am the perfect sub and he the perfect Master, wouldn't you?

Not.

We had a fight later that day, which blew up fast. I could tell the reasons but really they are silly. He got testy, over nothing I thought. When he called me on it, I got mad too. And told him why it wasn't reasonable for him to be mad at me.

When the dust settled, I found myself in trouble. His response, to put a binder clamp on my nipple and make me apologize that way.

I was so mad at him, so angry, so frustrated that I felt sick to my stomach. When he took it off me I was a bit less furious, but only marginally.

And from there things escalated.

Today, Tuesday, we are still trying to find our way out of it, which means that I have submitted and will be punished again.

Easy

He likes me to just obey when he tells me something. In his perfect world I am perfectly obedient, I never resist, never even consider resisting. In fact, he doesn't mind if I struggle a bit with his orders as long as I do obey, but really he wants it easy, simple. He orders, I obey.


For ages I didn't really understand his desire for simple submission to his orders because he does enjoy my struggle when it comes to sexual things. He likes setting a task and watching me struggle to complete it. He likes watching me struggle physically or mentally or even emotionally. Struggle for him has various forms, and it might be something like watching me endure pain or making me ask for it, or making me give it to myself. It might be something like setting a task that needs to be completed 3 times and watching to see if the third is harder than the first. It might be watching me kneel and not letting me up, knowing that my knees are hurting more and more til I cry about it. It might be making me pull myself across the room, blindfolded and bound to get something. Or it might be making me talk and flirt and entice strange men knowing I would rather not. In all cases, he likes and takes power from the knowledge that I do something because he told me, and if the task is harder, perhaps it provides him with more power.


The realization that he gets power and pleasure and sex from stuff like that is usually exciting to me, and of course I obey to please him, and I obey because that's what I do.


I think that I assumed that he would like to watch me struggle with his day to day orders too. But really he doesn't want that at all. He wants me to just obey. He wants me to want to obey. He wants it all to be easy and clean and tidy. He doesn't want struggle at all. And if I need to tell him that I have struggled with something a bit, he'll listen, but I think he just prefers me to want to do what he wants.


And that kind of transfers back into the sexual stuff too. If he beats me he doesn't want me squirming away, doesn't want to have to hold me still or chase after me and capture me and pin me down to continue, he just wants to beat me. He doesn't mind me crying or moaning or even screaming if that's where he pushes me, but he wants me to stay where he puts me and just obey. Its not like I have to pretend its all easy to take, though I often do try to do that up to a point, stoically enduring what he gives me.


He hates when I am bratty, and just won't tolerate it at all, so I'm not really suggesting that I say "no" or "make me" when he orders something. Its not that I want him to have to fight me on everything, but somehow I do like him to have to push me down and hold me there sometimes.

A discussion popped up in the comments of a post on Kaya's blog http://underhishand.com/sex-is-always-the-answer-its-never-a-question and though the subject of the initial post was something a bit different, their comments on this made me think. Amber said: Being consistently submissive and obedient at all times. Whether they notice or not, or whether it’s boring or inconvenient. “Yes dear” at all times. I asked Dan a long time ago if he got a kick out of me resisting him (outside of sex play), if he really enjoyed the act of “correcting” me. And he surprised me when he said, “no”. He really does want my obedience, at all times and instantly. When I vowed to obey him, I didn’t say, “But only on my terms” I just vowed to obey, period. But it’s *hard* and I’m not perfect at it and sometimes my ego gets in the way because I’m human.

And then Kaya responded: Yeah. I asked that too. Completely not the answer I wanted..lol. It was a real eye opener, though. I guess I didn’t really know it wasn’t always cute to resist, that he didn’t always want the challenge and that easy submission is HIS want. Who knew??

When I read that post with its "who knew??" I thought that actually I do "know". I didn't at first when we first got together, but I do now, though I still don't really get it. Or perhaps I don't really want to get it. I think want the attention of him knowing (being forced to know?) that something is hard for me, or at least a pain in the ass, or maybe just not my first choice. I want that acknowledgment, that nod to my submission or my sacrifice. I want the attention. I want the "good girl".

I wonder if its just about the maintenance burden. That he wants it easy and simple most of the time, and when he wants it to feel like he is imposing his will on me, against my will, he can just step it up a bit. It shouldn't be more trouble than its worth to him. He wants me to give him my submission, not to have to take it.

Comments?

His

I am endlessly greedy for him, can't ever seem to get enough of him.

I want his time, his attention. I want his conversation and his opinions. I want his humour. I love when he plays with me, when he touches me, when he does mean sadistic things to me.

I need his approval and would do almost anything (where are those limits?) to get it.

I love when he desires me, and makes me desire him so fast. I love when he cums. And of course when he makes me cum.

I like that he is possessive of me, though I find it strange. I think its crazy, because I am so his, so wrapped up in him, but I like it, it makes me feel treasured, valued, held close.

I feel obsessed with him sometimes, and he is the same way. We steal moments of time, telephone conversations, stolen kisses, secret love. We are like teenagers, passionate, impatient, greedy. We fight like teenagers too, with hot angry words and tears and the thought that it all might end if things don't work out right.

He can make me so angry sometimes, so determined to persuade him, to make him understand.

I adore him, and its still a miracle to me that we found each other.

I love wearing his collar. It makes me feel beautiful and treasured and owned.

I am his.

Anticipation

Sometimes he tells me things in advance, letting me anticipate them before they actually occur. Yesterday he told me he was going to give me an orgasm last night, told me not to masturbate yesterday afternoon, told me to come to him sexy last night. The anticipation was exciting, though I confess that without his instruction not to get myself off in the afternoon, I would have done so. Instead I waited, stayed turned on, and came to him hot and sweet and ready last night.

Today he told me to buy some ginger for tomorrow. Which I love. When we have played with figging in the past, its always very hot (oops a pun!), though there are degrees of it, sometimes its milder, sometimes its screamingly hot, and a range of things in between. I love it. I love the sex and the pain and the urgency and the humiliation of it. Its fucking amazing. I am astounded when people say they don't like it. I can't understand that at all. Though of course, we don't all share the same likes and dislikes do we?

There's an added thrill to knowing it is going to happen. To knowing when its going to happen. I get aroused thinking about it. I want it sooner, but the certainty of it is there waiting for me. Figging. Tomorrow. Ha. Either that or cooking Chinese with Master. Yeah. Right.

Sometimes there's something scarier that he tells me in advance. He promises me pain. Or perhaps I should say he warns me? Threatens me? Those times are scarier, contain more anxiety, but can also be laden with anticipation. Will it be good, or bad? Will I be able to handle it? Will I be good or bad? There's often arousal there too, isn't there?

Sometimes its just bad, when I know there is punishment coming. He will send me for equipment or supplies, and I will collect them knowing that they will be used for some exotic punishment. Sometimes I just know that he will use a day alone, usually a Tuesday, for punishment. That's bad, when I know that. Though as I write this now, and perhaps as you read it, there's a hint of excitement there too. That's the power, the control, the dominance. But trust me, his actual punishments are evil and mean and no fun at all.

Overall, its a good thing for me, the anticipation of something to come. Especially at times like this when I can't get enough, it gives me something to float on til the actual time comes. Figging tomorrow...

Improvement

My running is better lately, thank goodness! I have been struggling with it for ages. I was running okay starting to improve a bit, and then was travelling, and then sick , and then travelling. And my running SUCKED. No wind, no legs, no endurance. No motivation. De-motivation in fact.

But its better now. Or at least it was, for one glorious run yesterday. One of my friends says you are all about your most recent run. If it was good, things are going well. If it was bad, your assessment of your running is that its bad.

I'd still like to run a half marathon in May, but that is starting to look more like a hope than a real attainable objective. I think this week may be a critical one in deciding that. Stay tuned for the next gripping installment.

sin

Asking

I have started this post six different ways already, but keep erasing, not knowing how to start. Best to begin at the beginning I suppose.

In our relationship, we play a lot with humiliation and with pain. In both cases, I would prefer it to seem like he imposes those things on me. And, at first that was true.

I was shocked when he hurt me the first time. And then shocked that I grew to like it, even, eventually to crave it. He calls me pain slut, among other things.

Humiliation was a little different. I don't think the first tastes of humiliation were as obvious to me, until he pointed it out to me that I liked a bit of humiliation. At first I was in denial. I couldn't like that. Could I? I did. He was right. I have no idea how long we had been playing there before he told me. Likely from the beginning. But once he told me, I did begin to see some of it. He pointed out other instances, and I agreed with his observations, agreed with his assessment. I did like a bit of humiliation.

I have come to accept both of those things about myself. That I do like pain and humiliation. Both of those things still shock me a bit. I imagine saying them, not to him, or to you, my faceless audience, of mostly like minded thinkers I think. But imagine saying it to someone else. Wow. I don't even want to pursue that in imaginary world.

I guess the thing is, that sometimes, when he doesn't play rough with me, I want it rougher. And its damn hard to work myself up to asking for humiliation or for pain. Its a bit easier to say the kind of generic "I love when you play rough with me..." and hope that hint will work its magic and he will do me that way.

But its harder, much harder, to say "Please Sir, will you humiliate me?" or "Please Sir, would you hurt me?" Both of those are so hard, partly because asking it, is in itself a humiliating thing to do. It reflects need and perversion and maybe weakness. It shows that I have dirty desires, that I am a dirty girl. I think the weakness comes from asking for something, from wanting it enough to ask, knowing that it exposes me, and that still I may not get it.

It also potentially sets me up for more than I want. When I ask for either pain or humiliation, it must be a powerful rush to him, to know I want enough to ask. But of course he doesn't have to give me what I ask for. He can give me a little taste, or none at all, exactly what I want, or way too much. So its scary that way.

With pain, we have a set of fairly standard (for us) activities which both of us adore. But of course there are a zillion variations on pain that he could use on me, which I might or might not love. But I do know what he likes, and it tends to be what I like too. Hasn't he trained me well?

With humiliation, its chancier. Unless I ask for something specific, he might do anything to me, some of which I might like, some of which I would hate, and some in between. And, again, it might be way more than I wanted.

And, its hard to ask for something specific in the way of humiliation. In a way, it actually seems to dilute it. For example, if I ask him to put me in the corner, does that dilute the thrill or step it up even more if and when he does it to me, because I asked to have it done to me. If I ask for the ball gag, which muffles my speech and looks obscene and makes me drool, does the fact that the desire for it came from my mind rather than from his make it silly, make me ridiculous? And, does that sense of myself as ridiculous translate into heat?

I find over and over that the best way for me to submit to him is to give him as much of my mind as I can. Which says that telling what I like, asking for things is the best, though I would love them just imposed on me.

And really, as you can see, I like my humiliation pretty mild, not wild and spicy as some of you prefer. But kind of gentle. But I do like it. Dirty girl.

And sometimes I don't mind asking, though often its just kind of a nameless yearning. I just crave that sense of humiliation. The heat of the blush he makes me feel, when he makes me do the things he makes me do.

I had a friend at one point who said that D/s was the sub's way of getting the things she wanted without having to admit that she wanted them, being able to pin the responsibility on someone else. I think in many ways he was right.

So, where does that leave me? Loving when he "plays rough with me". Revelling in the pain he gave me today. Enjoying the anticipation of the humiliating positions he has ordered in a list of tasks. There's heat in all of that for me.

sin

Telling

Today he gave me a task, and at the end of the giving, he said I had to tell him about it, either in an email, which is the norm, or here on my blog, which is not.

At first I thought email, because that's what I always do, and I'm not gonna just put stuff like that up on my blog.

And then I thought blog, because he'll like it that way, like that it pushes me a bit, like that it exposes and humiliates me. He likes me vulnerable, though perhaps only to him.

And then I thought email, because there are details in there that I couldn't share with the world. Things that are too embarrassing.

So... that's where it wound up, in a personal email to him.

And I guess I am writing this now, trying it on for size, imagining what I would feel if I had posted the task requirement on here. Its funny, compared to some of what I read its not at all outrageous, but its mine you know, my obedience, my humiliation. And while I have grown accustomed to the idea of baring all to him, I haven't yet wrapped my head around the idea of baring all to the world.

I admit that I am an exhibitionist, that I love telling and showing and shocking the world. Though of course its a bit intimidating, trying to shock the internet. The mind boggles. And I think he likes watching me struggle with my exhibitionism and my sense of appropriateness. Is he trying to push me or maybe he doesn't really care at all what I do with it. Maybe he just wants you all to know me a bit better?

sin

Hedging

Pain again...

So this morning we had a conversation about pain and whether I hedge on it, or fudge it, when he has me give myself pain and he doesn't calibrate it for me; when he doesn't say exactly how he wants something done. Sometimes I do hedge on it; I admit that.

Sometimes, especially if I begin to suspect he is warming me up for something big, if he tells me to pinch my nipples or twist them or something, I am not as enthusiastic as I might be. I don't refuse, and I don't fail to do it, but I don't do it hard. I don't act with enthusiasm and vigour.

If he tells me to do it as hard as I can, or if he tells me to do it hard or medium or gently, then that's clear. But if he says just to roll my nipples or pull them or pinch them, then that could be hard or soft or anywhere in between, couldn't it?

And if he wanted it as hard as I could do it, he would tell me, wouldn't he?

Sometimes he catches me at it, tells me to do it harder. Sometimes he threatens me with retribution if I don't act rougher.

Sometimes, he actually tells me to do it softer. Sometimes he advises me, in that tone that Doms use, that oh so helpful, kindly Dom tone, that he thinks I better scale back, and not be so rough because there is lots more to come.

Only once, that I can remember, have I actually not done as he ordered in that kind of situation. I was lying on my tummy and my tits, and he was having me do something cruel to myself, and the orders were so fast and I was so far gone in pain, and when he ordered, I flinched, and didn't do something he ordered, and I actually forget now, what it was, I think it was to squeeze my nipples really hard and I did it really soft, and didn't get caught.

But then it felt wrong, so I told on myself. I'm not sure who was the most shocked, him or me, that I had flinched and disobeyed, probably him, surprised that I had disobeyed, surprised that he hadn't noticed. And then I'm not sure who was the most surprised that I had told on myself. Probably me, as he expects me to tell all. He did punish me, at the time, though I think the punishment was mitigated a bit by me telling when he hadn't noticed.

With things like clamps, which are his favourite toy, I cannot hedge, or fudge anything. I can't protect myself. I can't cheat. They feel the way they feel. They are tight or not so tight. They stay on for as long as he wants. I can ask, or beg, or cry or scream about them, but they feel the way they feel. I can't make them hurt less, or more than he wants.

I like it better when I can't cheat, as its really hard to hurt myself once the pain gets bad. Although they are inexorable, unforgiving, unbearable sometimes. But at least then, its what he wants, isn't it?

I'm a goody-two-shoes, so I try to do as he wants, but its very hard sometimes.

In the aftermath of pain

In the aftermath of pain I often want more pain. While he is hurting me I deal with it in various ways, loving, exulting, hating, enduring. Sometimes I am hating it, sometimes anger. It depends on the day, but the range of emotions during pain can be pretty varied. But afterward, once its all over and I know its over, and there's no going back (because he never goes back once he is really done), then I crave it.

I crave it, thinking about what it will be like, what it would be like. I think about it, wanting it, desiring it. Not just any pain of course, what I want is his pain.

He knows this naturally. He loves it, uses it. Its part of his tool chest of dominance I would say, my relationship with pain.

I love it, hate it, fear it, need it. I think its the thing I write about the most often, my convoluted relationship with pain. I examine it often, uncomfortable with my feelings about it. Why do I feel the way I do about it?

Ball gag

Tuesdays are "usedays" for us. We both have schedules which leave us relatively free on Tuesdays, so that's the day we schedule for sessions, for important conversations, fur punishment (boo!) and for Us.

Isn't that a terrible pun? Sorry. It just popped into my head and I knew it wouldn't go away til I wrote it down. So now I have shared it with you.

Earlier he prepared me, blindfold, very slutty clothes (ok I did that part), ball gag. He had me put my hands behind my back, presenting my body to him and then as he looked at me, or I assume he looked at me, I thought about how much I love that. I thought about how submissive that makes me feel; that I want more of this. I wish that he had me do exactly that every day, for 5 minutes or 10, just to give me time to think of my submission to him. I love when its sexual, and it was. I love when its humiliating, and it was a bit. I love when there's uncertainty, which there was, as I really didn't know if he was watching me or the news, or maybe reading the paper... And I don't and wouldn't need for him to watch me at it, though the possibility that he would watch would make it better for me I think.

He didn't leave me there that long, but for the span of time I was there, I was thinking passionately of how much I love when he does that with me. How much it makes me want to get down on my belly and crawl to him. How I want to greet him that way every day. And of course completely unable to communicate any of it with the ball gag in my mouth. The gag is so bondage-y to me, so damn hot. And I think its hot to him mostly because he knows how hot it makes me, because it turns me into such a needy slut. He is willing to use it for what it does for me, though I think he misses and begrudges even that half hour of lost communication.

What a sweet Dom, to do that for his sub?