A Diary, A Love Story, A Chat

I think of my blog as something between a diary, a love story and coffee chat with my friends each morning.

I tell what I'm feeling, going through, wanting to discuss. I throw it out there for discussion, and often I get good advice, comments, feedback, friendship. Sometimes I get stuff I don't really want to hear, but I think that's part of it too.

Often it's about sex or my relationship. Occaisionally, it's something else in my life, books, yoga.

But usually it's about my relationship with my Big Bad Dom. My blog is an important place for me to explore that relationship. To help me understand what "normal" is, within the context of a D/s relationship.

I think as we grow up, vanilla, in vanilla worlds, we get a lot of feedback that shapes how we think about our relationships. And we get an idea of what's good or bad or appropriate in that vanilla context. We have role models, mentors, people we copy and imitate. Some are real, some live in stories and media. They all shape what we grow up to be, as we model ourselves on them, choosing those pieces we feel are right for us.

We grow up understanding that fairness and equality are crucial in relationships, we understand that if he respects you he'll treat you a certain way. We understand that porn is evil, not because it leads to masturbation, but because it oppresses women. And lots of other things which turn out not to be as perfectly true as I once thought.

Actually, I'd still offer some of that guidance to my kids. Because I think that girls (and boys) need to think about respect. They need to understand fairness and to expect equality in relationships. They need to think about whether they are being used or respected or exploited in relationships. I think all that advice I got was good advice, and I'm glad I got it, and incorporated it into my life. But it was basic advice about respecting myself, making good choices, and not letting people take advantage of me.

And then eventually I was ready for the intermediate course. Maybe that's the one where you realize that it doesn't matter who does the dishes each time, it doesn't need to be 50-50. The dishes need to get done, and so does the shopping and if and maybe one of you can do the dishes and one of you can do the shopping.

But suddenly I had D/s interests in a very vanilla world. I'm a soccer mom. I'm a maager in a white collar job. I have yoga friends and synagogue friends. I have family who I love. And I'm happy and content in all that.

There's nowhere in that world for me to explore the dark side of my sexuality. I can talk it to death with Big Bad. And we do. For both of us, the explicit exploration includes discussion, disclosure, openness, communication. I love that.

And then this blog turned out to be more of the same. It turned out to be a place where I could chat about my feelings about stuff. What stuff? Um. My feelings about humiliation, and wondering what the fuck I'm doing playing there. My feelings about submitting, and jealousy, and fairness. My feelings about pain and about my sadist. My feelings about love. See a theme here? My feelings about stuff.

I think it's less about what really happens than it is about my thoughts and feelings about it. The naughty scene before it, is often there mostly for context. So you'll understand my feelings as I'm laying them on the table with the coffee.

And I understand my feelings and reactions as I lay them out for you too. As I try to figure out how to explain what happened and why and my responses. And as you talk back to me about them. I've discovered that part of the appeal for me is living with that tension, living on the edge of my comfort zone. Being pushed right up to what I thought were my limits is a rush for me. I've discovered that humiliation is something I not only like a hint of, but crave. And who the hell would I say that to in my real life?

So I lay it all out on the table for you, and lately... there's silence coming back to me. Not total silence, there are a couple of comments most days lately, but hey, where the hell are my commenters?

In the silence I sense ... disapproval. Actually I don't really think it's really disapproval. But it does make me wonder.

Are you all off watching baseball, or decorating your homes or yurts or trailers for halloween, or canning tomatoes?

Are you bored with my relationship on endless loop? Thinking "she's written about that at least once before"? Thinking she needs to resolve that and move on? Are you disapproving?

Do you really like it best when I talk diet and exercise and books?

As I chatter on in the silence...