Does D/s mean I love you?
It sounds like a simple question. No D/s doesn't necessarily mean love, though it can.
And D/s doesn't repair a marriage or a relationship, any more than a baby would in my opinion. Though both work for some people, some relationships. Those are the rare lucky ones I think. Those happy families who discover Domestic Discipline and suddenly a marriage that was old and stale becomes fresh again. All the things they always loved about each other are back in a new context and the marriage is saved. Yeahhh!
If one person wants to try D/s and the other one doesn't then it can create a rift. If I want it an my partner doesn't, what do I do? Suck up the lack or look elsewhere for it? Or if he wants it and I don't I think he's a pervert right? Like those couples where she thinks he is disgusting because he watches porn. Nasty.
I think that where D/s exists, it can create love. It can create a such a strong connection between the two (or more) people. There's some kind of magic, some kind of alchemy that happens. That takes two ordinary people and creates an extraordinary passion.
How else to explain it? Why else would I feel such an immense desire to please him? And is that love or magic or fascination?
For me, making him unhappy, displeased, disappointed, is it's own little punishment. Left on my own, I'll almost always seek to correct that as soon as possible. I think it's self policing. Let me know what you want, and I'll try to give it.
Be explicit with me about what you want, and I'll try to do it.
Let me know that you are pleased with what I did, and I'm thrilled. Those "good girl" strokes, are strokes worth seeking for me. And while I don't perform for them, I love receiving them. I would never have imagined that I would. And yet from the very first time someone said "good girl" to me, I was thrilled. Although secretly, inside I thought, "omg I can't like this! The other feminists can never know this!" But I do love it.
I know that some people have very strong ideas about D/s and love. To some, it seems essential that there be love, to others it seems obvious that love would make the D/s less pure.
I guess everyone is different. And I know which way it is for me.
For me, I think D/s means there's love. For me, I think I need love in order to feel that my D/s is working.
Hmmm... I have tons more to say and no more time. Stay tuned.
13 comments:
A rich topic, sin.
I don't think D/s HAS to mean love. But I'm not surprised that it so often ends up that way. It requires such nakedness, such intimacy - far deeper than the mere physical. For it to really work, so much has to be revealed on both sides.
Plus you're dealing with such basic needs. Acceptance. Approval. Again, on both sides. Because doesn't the sub's obedience imply a non-judgmental acceptance of the dom's darkest fantasies?
When the sadist first approached me, and for about the first month and a half, I never expected I would end up loving him. I was excited, I was enthralled, I was obsessed. But not in love. It was the connection beyond D/s that did it: literature, music, a general enjoyment of intelligence... I was almost outraged when I saw it happening. He just laughed. He said I'd been in love with him all along.
And the sadist? His feelings for me are deep and unnamed, although defined as falling short of "love", whatever indeed that word denotes. Was it inevitable? I'm not his only sub, and his relationships with the others are each very different. Sometimes I think that what happened with me caught him by surprise. I think it did to an extent, but only perhaps in its intensity. It seems he knew when he spotted me on Fetlife that this would be something else. From early on, he called me his complication.
But the sadist is very good at compartmentalizing. And maybe that's what a dom must be to hold back the love. That and a talent for coldly regarding a sub as no more than a source of amusement.
I'm curious to hear from more doms on this.
o.g.
I think love is optional. Good, of course, but not a requirement. Sam
Hmm Sin...another post that makes mouse think....
D/s doesn't really have to mean love but those feelings can certainly grow into love. It certainly does mean respect and a host of other words mouse is too blonde to remember at the moment.
Daddy used to believe that being in "love" with his sub or slave hindered the process. He felt that punishments would be more difficult if he loved the girl. They are more complicated and maybe it causes him some frustration at times.
But having said all that, we are happy and very much in love. So for us, yes D/s does include love.
Still not sure if they are mutually exclusive tho. Can't wait tho to read more of your thoughts on this!
Hugs,
mouse
PS the word verification thingy says, "undom," Ha!!!
I think D/s really means different things to different people. To me, the idea of trusting someone enough to give them that power over me and not being in love with that person seems... untenable.
Grinning... and you know I think submission is love in action... and Dominance is too. No matter what you call it.
aisha
Perhaps others can dance this dance without love. More men I would imagine than women, since they generally are better able to compartmentalise. I'm sure there are women who can as well.
For me...I can't be that transparent with someone else, be that intimate, and not give my heart too.
I thought I had fallen in love before I met Master.
But now I realize that I never really was.
Not even to my Ex-Husband.
Master is the first.... the only.
D/s came after we fell in love and I am sure that is the only reason why the D/s happened.
Love has a completely different meaning to me now.
~faithful
I never had an opportunity to try it the other way around - but for me - i wouldn't have been able to have the confidence in myself or the trust in him if there hadn't been love first. It's such an intimate, intense thing - i wonder how it could be sustained and not at least feel like love.
I imagine we have to go to what we mean by the word, "Love," because I think that what arises for us in the midst of conscious and deliberate D/s is potentially very intense and very elementally human -- and yes, I believe those intense, elementally connected human responses are likely to turn to love -- just not the sweet, sappy stuff that we call by the name of "love" when we are caught up in our childlike fairy-tale visions. Love, when it loses all the white lace and Valentine's Day sentimentality is scruffy and rough hewn and sweaty and durable... a very practical survival program burned so far down in our genes that it happens way below our ability to be aware of it... In my view, D/s gets past our conscious imaginings about such things and triggers the responses at the neural level where we can't fuck it up as badly as we might do if we were really aware...
swan
Love has so many definitions. I love what aisha said. For me, I never expected love to be part of the equation, but then I did not expect to be so exposed, physically exposed, yes, but emotionally never. It has come to mean love, and for me, that is now essential. abby
I don't feel that love is requisite to all D/s relationships, but it's certainly a relevant emotion for many D/s relationships.
This is something I have been thinking about in the last couple weeks as our D/s relationship develops. I'm finding myself parsing complicated, deep emptions---trust, devotion, caring---and it feels so much like love sometimes. Is it? Maybe love is developing in tandem with the other emotions...
I think some people seem to have D/s without love, it's more about sex and power and control but not necessarily love. However, I haven't heard of any DD blogs (that I'm aware of) that don't incorporate love. Maybe that's because DD tends to be geared toward married couples and so the bloggers are all committed to their partners for life, with lives and families together. In D/s, some are like that, but some are just play partners or f*** buddies even.
I'm in a What is Love? situation right now, and I find all your responses very thought-provoking.
My man told me at the beginning of our relationship that it's about only sex, but the last time he visited, while I was pleasuring him with my mouth, he asked if I love him.
I had no answer ready for him, even though I had a feeling he had been leading up to that question recently.
I don't know if I love him. It's difficult to know when our relationship has been about nothing but sex. I don't know him that well. I don't know if he has qualities worthy of my love.
He has become a very important part of my life, I would miss him very much if he were no longer in it, and I have done my utmost to make him happy by giving him what he wants and not asking for more than he wants to give.
Is that enough to be love?
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