Sick Sub!

No, not perverted sick. Sorry to disappoint you...

I feel sick. maybe a flu bug. I feel feverish. Skin too sensitive. Sinus headache. Coughing a bit.

And I feel pathetic. Weak. Feeble.

And I feel disappointing.

He had given me a task to do. The task involved pain. And nakedness. So therefore it needed some privacy.

It was supposed to have been done today but I had no privacy today. And I had no creative ability to manufacture a way to do it.

My thinking wasn't working. It's all sick and pathetic and feverish.

So I begged off. I asked him to let me off the task.

I think he was astounded. I never do that. But I did today. I needed to.

The task beat me today.

He said ok. I know he wasn't thrilled. But he said fine.

Not what he was hoping for.

Disappointing.

That's my emphasis, not his.

Gosh I was relieved when I found him, asked him, and got permission to not perform the task.

Thank you Sir.

What's That About?

Spreader

I have this ongoing fantasy of being spread out on the bed, arms and legs pulled wide and tied tightly, available, a little uncomfortable. And then examined, perhaps exhibited. Humiliated. Eventually used.

I've been tied just that way, and I love it. It's somehow so liberating. Isn't that a bizarre word to use?

And I have another fantasy, opened and restrained using a spreader bar. Which I haven't ever done?Why is it different? I don't know, in my imaginings it's even more exposed. Though perhaps only as he could flip me over or move me. It offers him more control of location or method of inspection or display. And somehow it's a little naughtier as it presupposes that someone has had the foresight to plan and purchase the equipment. Yes, or make it, but there's forethought there too.

I want to be restrained that way, to be spread wide. Used. Humiliated. Offered. Unable to resist in that moment.

Oh it's all consensual. I want to consent. And then I want my ability to resist taken away from me. I want to be used his way.

So ... happy Monday?

What Do You Care?

Shoes Again

So, a bit more context? 

Yes, Little Monkey is back on the scene as Girl 2. At least she was. Maybe is. It seems to change pretty quickly. I think she is. Sort of. But I'm not sure.

And I like her, and am fine with him having another girl. Though there might be those that would tell you that changes pretty quickly sometimes too. That's true too. I'm not always fine. But today I am.

About a week ago they were playing with clamps. I was mostly watching. Though she points out she was watching me too. She missed an instruction. I knew, even if she didn't that he would punish her for missing the instruction. He wants it the way he wants it, right?

And I wrote the day before yesterday about how sweet she was in accepting it. It doesn't make me insecure about him to note that she was sweet. It's like seeing a sunset, I can admire it and be impressed by it, and not be envious of the sunset. Or something like that.

So his punishment for her was that he clamped her nipple with clover clamps, and clamped the other clamp, attached by a chain, to a running shoe. He sat the running shoe on the desk where she could see it. And after a lecture (how long?) had her push the shoe off the desk. She resisted. Because it's really fucking hard to do something like that to yourself. And eventually she did it.

I have a confession to make, LM. It was me who brought it into his head. He made me provide a list of possible punishments. I think he likes how uncomfortable that makes me.  So I wrote up a little list of punishments. And I included in the list, attaching something to the other end of the clamp. NOT something heavy I said. NOT like the shoes. It's like waving a fucking red flag at him sometimes. Why don't I learn? But I didn't think he would take my red flag and use it on someone else. Sorry Monkey. And yes, it's taken me a week to confess.

I was shocked when she told me he had done that. Shocked because it was my suggestion. Or it wasn't. Sigh. Really I didn't offer THAT as a suggestion. But I felt kind of guilty about it.

And then shocked that he'd done that to her? Maybe a little. Because he's been less sadistic with her than with me. Though I know she wants more of the dark side. Which might be one of the reasons he has been less sadistic, wanting her to want it.

And I think he's been kind of gentle with her. In a way. Though I get the shoes don't seem gentle. But he likes her a lot. And there's a friendship there along with everything else. I think. Though I'm not completely sure, because I'm outside their main relationship. But it seems to me that he's nice to her. When he's not being evil.

Aisha commented that she was shocked that he did the shoe thing with her. That she had thought of that as being between the two of us. That it seemed like something just for me.

That made me smile. Some days I know I would be upset that he took some act that had seemed intimate between us and used it with someone else. (And how sweet of Aisha to realize that I could be upset about it!)

But the shoes? Sir, go ahead and play that game with anyone else you please. In fact, if it saves me one shoe session, I will even recruit for it. Anyone else who wants a turn with the sadist and the shoes, please let me know in the comments or by email and I will do my best to set it up. Or maybe you'd like to volunteer a friend? Come on, you know you want to try it...

And I admit there have been times when he's done something with someone where my response was exactly that. "But I thought that was our special thing!" I went looking to see if I had blogged about it. I'm sure I have, though I couldn't find it. And I don't remember the specifics but I have an uneasy feeling that one recent time it was about piss, which is SO not "our special thing" and usually not a thing I want much to do with, and ... well you get my drift. So I can see how you might think that.

But not this time. Maybe part of it is that I don't want the shoes back again. Maybe part of it is that it was a punishment; and I am never envious of punishments. Or maybe it's a guilty conscience, that it was my suggestion (sort of) that was implemented.

Or maybe none of the above. Maybe I'm just okay with it.

Changing Me

He says:

Sometimes I want to take your cute little smile

and fill your face, mouth, and throat with cock

and watch it change

from cute

to hungry whore

Acceptance

Sometimes my Dom has another girl.

One of the things I've discovered is that she is more accepting than me of discipline. Maybe easier going in general?

The other night they were playing. She missed an instruction. He called her on it and chided her for it. He told her she had been disobedient. She was very accepting of his scolding.

I would have gotten defensive and probably gotten mad, because it seemed to me that it wasn't wilful disobedience, just an error. Or negligence or lack of focus, but not purposeful disobedience.

I would have fought it. Especially knowing that it would derail the evening, the play. I would have resisted the judgement that it was disobedience. I would have been angry and sulky, partly that I made a mistake and partly that he was bigging it up.

She just accepted. She apologized. She was sweet about it. Submissive.

Guess what? He likes that better.

He didn't say to me, "look, she did this better". It's me that noticed. I was struck by it at the time, and since.

I bet he thinks I'm a big job some days.

Scolding

Today is all hurry hurry hurry. And I'm not keeping up. I've been scolded twice already. Scolded. Humph.

It's snowy here today. The first day of snow. Nice. Pretty. The kids love it, but it means hassle for the mom.

The buses were going to be late but at least they are running. Late because traffic is horrible, as everyone has forgotten how to drive in it. Late because all the kids are late as their mom's haul out gear, boots, jackets, mitts, hats. Little kids are thrilled. Bigger kids probably excited but a bit more blasé. Snowpants? Oh Mom. No!

There were things He wanted from me this morning and I was preoccupied, doing other things. I knew, when he gave me each set of instructions that things would be tight. That if everything went perfectly I might make it on time to do as he wanted.

But things didn't go perfectly. And he got increasingly annoyed at my lateness. Just a couple of minutes here and there, but throwing him off the tight timetable he had planned.

Today wasn't the day for that. But how to say to him, "This just won't work today." I don't say no, so I just tried my best. And didn't quite make it each time.

He's annoyed. He's scolded me and I hate it. And now I'm behind again.

Now I have to go clean up the broken glass on my bedroom floor. And take a shower. Find my clothes. And be ready for the next time. 

"Write Something Sweet for Me" - Part 3

Here is the last part of my letter to him after his request (order!) for me to write something sweet for him. You'll note, if you read my blog regularly, that some of this is a variation of what I posted on Antonyms about a week ago. That grew out of this letter, and I've left it in here for continuity. It's a bit repetitive, though it's longer there, different here.

The process of writing the letter made me sweeter for him. You know what else? Reading it made him sweeter to me.  Who'd have thought it?


Submission. Submission is offering myself and my obedience to you and your control and authority. Submitting is letting go of what I want to give you what you want.

Submission means being compliant to the rules, pliant to you, easy, doesn't it? It means humility, and doing what you want when I don't want it. Sometimes that's hard for me. Humble is defined by what it's not. Not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive. Humble means biting my tongue, shutting the fuck up and just doing. Humble means not making the point I want to make.

Submission is the act of submitting to the authority or control of another. Yeah. I do that. She smiles. I submit to your control. Your authority. We both love that part. I submit to you Daddy. (Isn't it strange, and kind of wonderful, that the Daddy part has grown? I love it, play with it, test it. There's an excitement there. No, still not about incest at all. But... something tender and taboo and loving. A daring in saying "Please hurt me Daddy" or "Please stop Daddy". And knowing you'll do exactly as you please.)

(Btw, the antonyms for submission are: balkiness, contrariness, contumacy, defiance, disobedience, frowardness, insubordination, intractability, noncompliance, obstreperousness, rebelling, rebellion, rebelliousness, recalcitrance, refractoriness, self-will, unruliness, waywardness, willfulness Have you thought all those things about me at times? Okay, I guess I'm not perfect. But I do think I'm improving)

Sometimes I struggle with it. Sometimes I think you feel it's too easy for me, and you want to see more struggle, so you top it up a little. Add another weight to the clamp, make me use my left hand, put my hands behind my back. Sometimes watching me crawl through the barbed wire and the mud makes it better, doesn't it Master? And sometimes crawling through the mud makes it better for me too.

I love submitting to you. Belonging to you. Having you own me. I'm so glad you are my Master, my Dom, my Daddy, my love.

Pain, pleasure, sex? Where are they in this? They certainly aren't irrelevant, but they aren't as essential as I'd have once thought. They are important elements. But could our D/s go on without them? I think so.

I want them, I know you want them. And please don't see this as a request for denial Sir. But I am coming to realize that they aren't the essential components.

You asked me last night if I needed you to hurt me. I said yes. (your other girl said yes too. Interesting how the sadist built that need in both of us?) And I meant it too. I need you to want me, to love me, however that's expressed. I need to connect with you. Often for us that's pain, and so I crave that.

But whatever the way of connecting, as long as it pleases you, fulfills you, I think I'm good with it. If that meant no more pain, no more sex, I'd struggle hugely with that of course, but I'd learn to submit to that too. At least I think I would. I think I'm learning, trying to learn that submitting means pleasing you, getting pleasure myself, by doing things your way.

I think it's a work in progress. Some days I'm more successful than others. Some days we are a better fit than others. But you know Master, even on bad days (okay maybe not the very worst days) we are pretty damn good together.

And after all this, an offering. This email, with it's sweetness is a kind of offering Sir. I do feel it sweet. Do you Sir?

And the second part of my offering, is offered carefully, to not offend, to not take us back to my resistant (recalcitrant?) obedience of last night. Offered so that it's clearly a give and not an accusation. And offered knowing that it might be a red flag, a trigger to you to do more of that with me.

I had another paragraph or two in the body of this letter to you Sir, offering some insight into last night and then I thought that perhaps it detracted rather than added to what I wanted to give to you.  I wanted to give you the sweetness you asked for.

Perhaps, in it's reference to last night the added info is critical rather than informational. Perhaps it's negative rather than offering an insight into me. Though I have struggled to make it information that you can use rather than criticism at all. So I'm taking it out. You may have it if you want it.

Or if you prefer not to return to last night, then my offering is not to mention it again.

I love you Master. Thank you for giving me this task. I think it helped. Don't you?

Your submissive

And no, he never did ask for the other paragraphs. 

"Write Something Sweet for Me" - Part 2

This is the middle part of a letter I wrote to him. We were angry with each other, both feeling the other was to blame for a tense day or so. You know that point where you know it's the other person's fault, and you know you should just let it go, but somehow you can't without hauling it all out again? We were there. I was sulking and he told me to write something sweet for him. 

The first drafts were attempts at sweet, which kind of meant they were attempts at seeing the discord from his point of view. But they sure weren't letting it all go and just being sweet. The third draft was the beginnings of a sweet, sexy little story. And with this one, I was feeling sweet. It turned into an examination of the elements of our relationship. Kind of a love letter. So, he got what he wanted. And he loved it. Because I think he hoped it would be sweet, and maybe make me sweeter, and it was and did.


Intimacy. Intimacy wraps around trust doesn't it? And knowledge of each other. And belonging. We belong to each other. I belong to you. I am yours, to love and use and command. To count on. Belonging implies an intimacy as well as possession. I am yours, you are mine. I am yours. Yes I wrote that twice on purpose. We belong to each other, but I think I belong to you more? Does that make sense?

Ownership. What comes with that Sir? Obligation? Responsibility? I think those come on both sides of our relationship don't you? Obedience. Caring. Lots of things that go with your collar. I wish I was wearing it as I write this. Monogamy I think. From me. As demanded all those years ago. And Sir, I do know that you didn't actually demand monogamy from me, but you did tell me that your submissive wouldn't have others.

I love belonging to you. I feel treasured, cherished, adored sometimes.

Other times I feel things that are less sweet, less romantic. Darker things. I feel used, owned, humiliated. Most of the time I love feeling those things. I could never have imagined before you that I would love feeling those things or that I could admit that to anyone. You've taught me, shaped me. Changed me I think.

Sometimes I feel angry, resentful that you boss me around. I feel like things aren't fair. I feel like you have shaken up or totally violated my sense of entitlement. I know that's ridiculous. I see you smile. Should subs have a sense of entitlement?

Sometimes I feel jealous. No Sir, not lately, this isn't about K, it's about us. And it's about truth. Sometimes belonging to you, being yours gives me the right(see? entitlement!) to feel jealous. Or makes me feel I have the right. Possessiveness. You are MINE. And though I've accustomed myself to the idea that you'll have other girls, I am stabbed sometimes with jealousy over emotional intimacy. 

Belonging to you means a trust that won't hurt me. Actually, I guess I know you will often hurt me but I am certain you won't harm me.  I feel safe with you. Safe in a big way, even if anxious sometimes in the moment.

I feel like you'll take care of me. And though I know I can take care of myself, I love this part of you, of us. It's very important to me. I think it's part of the Daddy/little girl part of us, and I love being protected.

Obedience. Obedience is what I do. It's the actions rather than the feelings behind the actions. I obey because it's important to you, because it's my kink, my thrill. I obey because you've trained me to obey, to follow instructions even when I really don't want to. I obey because I just do.

It's not always gracious, sometimes it's resentful. But sometimes, in that action, in the doing of it, I can find the seeds of submission. Sometimes when I focus on submitting, pleasing, giving him what he wants, not just what he's asked for, sometimes it can grow that way.

Communication. Usually there is great communication between us. We work hard at it. We value it, treasure it. You work really hard at understanding me, knowing what makes me tick, seeing inside me, mostly with a view to fulfilling me I think.

I work very hard at knowing you, understanding you, understanding your orders and your desires. With a view to pleasing you and doing as you say.

I think we are a wonderful fit that way, and I love that I can tell you anything, but so much you know without me needing to tell it. Often you'll ask me something, but really it's not for the information, it's to confirm what you knew already.

I love that you want to know everything about me. I want to know everything about you. I want to know everything you've ever thought, done, wanted. I want to be all that to you.

Trust. I trust you. It's a leap of faith that I make each time you ask me about a fantasy, a desire, a need.

It's trusting you with my heart, my body, my sexuality, my mind.

I trust you with my happiness. Tons of my happiness is wrapped up in you. Thank you for making me so happy Sir.

And all that is reciprocated. I know you make that same leap of faith in sharing your fantasies and desires and needs with me. I know that you trust me, as I trust you with your heart, your body, your sexuality, your mind. I know I'm a big big part of your happiness.

All that thrills me.

It's not "fair" but it's so damn good for us And neither of us was looking for "fair" were we?

To be continued

"Write Something Sweet for Me" - Part 1

We had a dip last week. Oh it wasn't a fight, just a pissy little exchange. About what? Who remembers? And would it have died down or flared higher into a fight? Who knows. The next morning he's certain that he was in the right, and that it was all my fault. I was pretty sure it was his fault, though less vocal about it. Biting back the words and washing them down with a bit of resentment.

"Write something sweet for me" he says on his way out the door, knowing I don't feel sweet. It catches me off guard, as perhaps he intends. I don't start right away. I need to think. To process. To submit to it. I know I'll obey. We both knew that from the start. But submitting to it, actually writing something sweet. Sweet. Sweet is hard to fake. Hard to manufacture. I write a draft. Throw it away and write another. In our relationship sweet means submission, belonging to him, love... it means focus, love, offering. Around the fourth draft I feels I have it right.

I sit and think about sweetness, about submission.

About submitting to you.

I'm proud, honoured, thrilled to be your submissive.

I belong to you.

I contemplate what it means.

Love. Yes it does mean love for us. We've talked about this recently. We both want love with our D/s. And though there was a discussion about whether it's essential I think we both agree that we want love to be a part of our main D/s relationship. Right? And with love comes respect and trust. But trust is bigger than that I think.

Love means that sex comes with tenderness sometimes.

Sex doesn't always mean I love you, even between people who love each other, but for us, the passion often ties in with love.

Somehow love between us can be expressed in pain. It means that you can want to hurt me, and I can want that too, and that both of us can see that as love and connection and one of the strongest bonds I've ever imagined.

Sometimes when I kneel in front of you and you put the clamps on me, and then watch me, touch me, talk to me. Sometimes that feels like such love, and I melt into your hands and we wallow in it. And sometimes it's just darkness from my sadist, isn't it Master?

To be continued...

I Love To Be Included

This was a big week here in blogger land. I got several notices about getting a VBA - Versatile Bloggers' Award. Hmm, not quite sure where that apostrophe goes.

I love love love that you picked me, that you like me, that you like my blog. Thank you. It means a ton to me that you've included me. Please don't think I'm not extremely flattered.

I'm going to be a drag and not do it though. And here's why.

Here are the rules:
1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

It's number 3. I don't like it. Because I love being included, I HATE being excluded. It makes me feel unloved. It makes me feel like I've been picked last at baseball (the only sport I was actually pretty good at as a kid!). I hate feeling left out. And I know that someone might feel that way from my list.

Yes I could find 15 I read. Some that I love reading. You guys are my friends, my community of choice.

I read lots of you, though not always regularly. Some days I have hours and time and the inclination to read. Some days almost none. Some of you write regularly, daily, and it's almost a cliff hanger and I have to read and find out what happens. Some don't write regularly at all anymore and I wish you did.

Some of you are fantastic writers. I love your points of view, your expression, your creativity. And some of you write blogs that I haven't even discovered yet. But I know I will if you leave a trail back to them.

I value the friendship, the impulse to flatter, to let me know you appreciate me. It means tons to me. I'm not at all blasé about it. Please don't think that.

And 7 things you don't know about me that I'm willing to share?I don't know, I've probably told some of these before... so stop me if you know this already.

1.I'm not allowed to play with my favourite vibrator right now unless I ask permission. He doesn't always say yes. I am allowed to use my fingers or other toys. But... somehow it's not the same. It's my fave for a reason. It's a very smart thing to limit.

2. I'm never allowed to use my clamps unless he gives me permission; not allowed to play with them on my own. That's so that I can only get that fix through him. He wants me to crave them and need him to get the thrill.

3. I'm a librarian. It's what I wanted to be when I was a little girl and it's what I grew up to be. I still think it's about the coolest job going, though it's not really what I imagined when I was 7.

4. I usually read about 6 books at once. A trashy novel, something for work, something political, something about food or diet or religion or child raising, a more "important" novel, maybe a biography. I start them all, like a buffet, and then it's kind of like a race, whichever one appeals the most gets my attention. I love when I finish one of the hard books. That makes me feel accomplished.

5. I love being a mom more than I ever thought I would. I think I'm good at it. I have great kids though.

6. I try to keep kosher. Some days I fall off the wagon.

7. I lost my virginity at 14 to my 17 year old boyfriend, who I still think was one of the sexiest guys ever. He wasn't very nice, but jeez he was hot.

Edit: Linking back to the people who picked me? I do thank you so much for the nice things you said about me. These people have done a ton of work, essentially an annotated bibliography of what they like about these blogs so I do want to link to the specific posts where they do that! I think there's some very good stuff in here!
thesubmissivebf
the training of my lovely slut
Finding Myself
Being Aisha

Some Weeks Are Like That

I'm living in a computer black hole and I can't seem to climb out.

I've had about 16 different computer problems this week. And it's making me NUTS.

The first thing that happened was that my work network screwed up and randomly just rearranged all my email files. It took them out of the files where I had neatly organized them and dumped them all back in my in-box. About 4000 of them. I was dismayed. That's an immense understatement. And so I asked tech support to help me by restoring an old version of my email. But they took so long to get back to me that eventually they would have been restoring a version from 4 days ago. What would that have done to the emails I had sent and received in the meantime? Eventually, after chasing tech support for 4 days I decided to do it myself without the restore. 

And then I got a new computer at work. It's a laptop and the IT guy (not the illusive tech support guy!) installed it while I wasn't there. So there were some things he was supposed to come back and tell me. But he didn't come back.

So I had no bookmarks. None of my links or favourites.

And I couldn't print. Printing might have helped me re-organize all my 4000 emails into files. Or not. Okay 4000 is a lot. Too many - but most of them were information files. Okay, so I'm a file hoarder. It's my shameful secret.

Oh and then yesterday, my work email started bouncing messages. It told the senders (hopefully all of them) though it didn't tell me. This happened to several of us.

With the new laptop I had Outlook 2010. So I had new Outlook, Word 10 and IE 8. Everything was different and hard. Not bad. Not exactly. But unfamiliar and hard. 

And then this morning, for no apparent reason, my frickin yahoo email stopped working. I couldn't open any of my emails (except in my spam folder). That was on my home computer! It told me I had temporary error 4. And that if I tried refreshing that might work. Which I did and it didn't. It suggested that I could delete all my cookies and clear my cache. I tried that. No luck. Eventually I gave up assuming it would either come back or not. I tried yahoo from work. And surprise! It didn't work there either. So I sent an error report to Yahoo. About 4 hours later I tried my email again, this time it was working. And there was a message from Yahoo, saying that I should try refreshing or clearing the cache. Thanks guys.

So now... I have my yahoo back, though I think I am still missing some emails that didn't come.

I have my work email working again, though all the emails are NOT back in files. Okay, about 20 of them are. Only 3980 to go.

I can print and I have my favourites back. And my photos. And I'm getting used to new Outlook. And I've lost a week of work. Oh well, I guess it will all still be there next week.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Savouring the Good

Things are good between my Dom and I these days.

Let's just take a moment to savour that, shall we?

I know there are some of you who think we fight alllllll the time. We do fight, I admit, but probably not as much as it seems here.

We actually spend lots of time very happy and contented. Pastoral?

Sometimes it's better than that. What I think of as completely connected to each other. Where we finish each other's sentences. Where we just adore each other. Where we can't get enough of each other. We're like that now.

I'm sure from the outside it's like watching high school kids enthralled with each other. A little too much public display of affection and beyond that, kind of dull.

But for us, living it on the inside, it's the thing to strive for in our relationship, the thing that hooks us. There's passion here, fireworks of a good kind,  excitement, need and a desire to please. Umm, I do think he wants me pleased too, so I'm leaving that in, though probably more of that need to please comes from the sub side to the Dom.

He says I shouldn't tell you that he dotes on me, that it will ruin his rep as Big Bad Dom. So I'm not saying that. He's pretty loving though. He's tender, he's sweet.

And he's still a bad ass. The Sadist is still there, he doesn't just come out to play when things are rocky. Not at all. He's often there in spades when things are very good between us.

An example?

Tuesday night we were chatting. Loving. Pouring virtual honey on each other and licking it off. He had me get up and put on the nipple suckers and put them on "tight". So I put them on tight, so they pull my nipples way into the suckers and he likes that.

Then he tells me to lie back down again. On my tummy. And my tits. And those suckers. I fuss with them, trying to find a way that's comfortable that doesn't pull them right off me. And there's nothing of course. It's impossible. I wind up kind of perched on my elbows, balanced on the suckers which are right underneath me, digging into my tits.

And we chat for a bit.

After a while he says to me, you seem tense, tired? Really?? Tense? You think so Sir?

And when he took them off, he had me pull them off rather than breaking the seal and easing them off. My tits were all red from lying on them, and the suckers digging in and sucking and hurting and he has me pull the suction fuckers off. Ouch.

All as a prelude to our day together yesterday.

And still it all makes me feel adored. Treasured. Loved. Really.

What Do Doms Get?

I must have written about this before. Surely I've written about all of it before. But I was looking through someone's archives (looking for cookie recipes believe it or not, so I was back in the archives of last December) and this caught my eye and my attention.

What do Doms get out of our exchange?

I see things from the submissive point of view most often. I feel safe, cared for, desired, pleasing. I feel loved.

And I get that it's not really unconditional. I feel all those things as long as I do what I'm told, do what's expected of me.

I also discover things I never really knew about myself. I get to know myself more deeply. Perhaps this is why some of us come to this so late in our lives.

What does he get?

I think he gets love, power, sex. He gets to exercise his dominance. There's an ego stroke for sure, pride, fulfillment. He gets to try new stuff, he gets to live his fantasies. I think he gets to experiment.

He gets a project; he shapes me the way he wants me. Does that make him an artist or a project manager? Or a scientist?

He shapes our relationship to try to leave me better, happier, more successful and more satisfied with my life than he found me. He does this with me, and I watch him do it with others too. He's not a social worker, but there's a tiny bit of that in there. He's a leader who likes the power but genuinely wants to improve too.

And he's searching for himself too, trying to understand himself, just as I am trying to understand myself.

In her post, Aisha said:
"i don’t think the answer is that our growth benefits them. It may do that, but i can’t believe that’s what their part of the relationship is about. That would make them two-dimensional – props in our universe. That can’t be right.

Even if their role is as leaders or guides – you know, being a therapist myself, i know that i grow from my experience in relationship with my clients. And the therapist-client role is supposed to be uneven, is supposed to be all for the benefit of the client. But that can’t be true. If i’m not growing, then i’m not really in relationship. If i’m just sitting back manipulating growth for my client, i’m not doing what i need to be doing.

(Note: That doesn’t mean i ever talk about my problems or my current issues with my client. That’s not how it works either.)

So if me-as-therapist also engages and grows through the relationship, then i believe that’s true for Doms as well.

If i extend that analogy – as therapist, i’m always watching myself as well as my client. Checking myself. How did i respond – and what does that say about me? Is there a sore spot of my own here? Did i really understand? That kind of self analysis.

And through that, i grow. Through my clients’ reactions, i learn things about myself. i learn from their insights. i learn from their struggle – but i have to turn it around and see how it applies to me. i can’t just be an observer, i have to grasp it and pull the ideas, the thoughts and feelings into my own life."

I think she has it right here.

And I think I'm his project. But in shaping me, helping me grow, discovering myself, he discovers himself too, and grows as well.

Oh. And then there's the whole sex and power thing. Did I mention that?

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011

So every year Rori from Between My Sheets does a list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of the year. It's based on her assessment, with an esteemed panel of judges, of who the best sex bloggers are. She has criteria, you can go and read about them there.

And guess what? I made the list. Me me me!

Sorry, lost my cool there for a minute, but an accurate reflection of how thrilled I am.

I'm number 43!

Lots of my friends are there too, I know you'll want to check for your faves. So I've reposted it here. 

So... if you're wondering what to do with any spare time, go check out Rori and her blog and the list!

And thank you to those who nominated me.And to Rori and her judges.

Here it is in it's entirety:

1. Guy New York (@quickiesnewyork) and The Dirty Gentleman from Quickies in New York
2. Charlotte Times (@charlotte_times) from The Life and Charlotte Times
3. Kendra Holliday (@TBK365 and @beautifulkind) from The Beautiful Kind
4. Amie Wee (@crevicecanyon) from Crevice Canyon
5. Riff Dog from Ashley and Me
6. Catherine Toyooka (@Catcoaches) from Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator
7. Vineyard Road (@vineyardroad) from Vineyard Road
8. David from A View from the Top
9. Quizzical Pussy (@quizzicalpussy) from Quizzical Pussy
10. Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life
11. Dick and Jane from Dick-n-Jane
12. EA (@easilyaroused) from Easily Aroused
13. Axe (@unspeakableaxe) from Unspeakable Axe
14. Joan Price (@JoanPrice) from Naked at Our Age – Better Than I Ever Expected
15. Oatmeal Girl (@oatmeal_girl) from Submission & Metaphor
16. Dark Gracie (@darkgracie) from Dark Gracie
17. Mistress Lilyana (@MistressLilyana) from Mistress Lilyana
18. Kyle Jones (@butchtastickyle) from Butchtastic
19. Cheeky Minx (@LoveHateSexCake) from Love Hate Sex Cake
20. Adam from The Mind of a Married Man
21. Dr. Marty Klein (@drmartyklein) from Sexual Intelligence
22. Lady Pandorah (@ladypandorah) from Lady Pandorah’s Sanctuary
23. Holly (@pervocracy) from The Pervocracy
24. Brooke from Puppy Tales
25. Lady Dragonfly (@miladydragonfly) from Lady Dragonfly
26. nilla (@swirlednilla) from Vanillamom’s Blog
27. Wilhelmina Wang (@wilhelminawang) from Heartbreak Nymphomania
28. Holden (@packingvocals) from Packing Vocals
29. 25 Things from 25 Things About My Sexuality
30. Thumper (@thumperMN) from Denying Thumber
31. Kake (@poeticerotica) from Poetic Erotica
32. Lucas (@top2bottom) from Top to Bottom
33. Ms. Diane D from Bi and Large – Cuckolding with a Twist
34. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross (@dodsonandross) from Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross – Sex Information Online
35. Kat from Prowling with Kat
36. The Gentle Nibbles Writing Team (@gentlenibbles) from Gentle Nibbles
37. Pandora (@pandorablake) from Spanked, Not Silenced
38. Molly (@mollysdailykiss) from Molly’s Daily Kiss
39. Vixen from Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen
40. DDD from Dick Dyke Dick
41. Jade (@piecesofjade) from Pieces of Jade
42. Jiz Lee (@jizlee) from Jiz Lee
43. Sin from Finding My Submission
44. Kris from The Phone Courtesan
45. SapioSlut from SapioSlut
46. Rockin’ (@RockinwithaCock) from Light Switch
47. Rachael (@rabbitwhite) from Rachel Rabbit White
48. Neo Dom Tom from A Bedroom Dom
49. Daisy Danger (@daisydanger) from The True Life Sex Adventures of Daisy Danger
50. Violet & Rye (@UCAppetites) from Uncommon Appetites
51. Kaya from Under His Hand
52. Lilith (@lilith9465) from Lilith Land
53. Lady Grinning Soul (@LadyGrinSoul) from Lady Grinning Soul
54. Septimus from Dirty Art by Septimus
55. Roxy (@sroxy) from Uncommon Curiosity
56. Anakin (@AnakinDarth) and Padme (@padmeamidala) from Journey to the Darkside
57. Dr. Charlie Glickman (@charlieglickman) from Adult Sexuality Education
58. Lily from theblackleatherbelt
59. Arabella (@askarabella) from Bombshells & Rockstars
60. SN from Peel It Off!
61. Bre from Owned, Collared, Loved
62. Adriana Ravenlust from Of Sex and Love
63. Delilah (@definingdelilah) from Defining Delilah
64. Arthur and Annabelle from Lust and Confused
65. Lorelei (@suggestive) from Suggestive Tongue
66. Kitty Stryker from PurrVersatility
67. Mollena (@Mollena) from The Perverted Negress
68. Naughty Lexi from Exploits of Lexi
69. Karen Blue (@kissinbluekaren) from Kissing Blue Karen
70. Arti (@ArtiAbsinthium) from Absinthe Cocktail
71. Figleaf (@talkingfigleaf) from Real Adult Sex
72. Miranda and Aarron from The Swingers Attic
73. Blacksilk (@BlacksilkBlog) from Blacksilk’s Boudoir
74. Violet (@violetscreaming) from Screaming Violet
75. Ferns (@Ferns__) from Domme Chronicles
76. SlipperyWhnWhet (@SlipperyWhnWhet) from A Slut’s Memoir
77. Fruit Taster (@fruittaster) from Fruits of Libido
78. Mrs. Discontented (@DiscontentedMrs) from Mrs. Discontented
79. Aisha from Being Aisha
80. Ruby Ryder from Pegging Paradise
81. Chrystal Bougon from Better Sex Radio
82. Lipstick Lori (@lipsticklori) from Rarely Wears Lipstick
83. CarrieAnn (@CarrieAnn_) from A View from the Floor
84. Dangerous Lilly (@dangerouslilly) from This Could Be Dangerous
85. Electronic Doll (@electronic_doll) from Post Modern Sleaze
86. Jerome from Let’s Talk About Sex
87. Dusk (@dusk_in_chains) from Dusk (in chains)
88. Innocent Loverboy (@innocentlb) from Innocent Loverboy
89. RHS from The Redheaded Slut
90. Violet Blue (@violetblue) from Tiny Nibbles
91. Amy (@AnalAmy) from Anal Amy
92. Curvaceous Dee (@curvaceousdee) from Curvaceous Dee
93. Jason Stotts (@Jstotts) from Erosophia
94. Mistress Kay (@mistress_kay) from Kinky World
95. Viemoira from Cavern of the Beast
96. Lucid (@lucidobsession) from Lucid Obsession
97. ♀ & sss (@sweatshopsissy) from Sweat Shop Sissy
98. Kat from She Makes the Rules
99. Yummy from Sexual Adventures of a Married Woman
100. YOU! – As always, I want to leave a place on this list for ALL the awesome sex bloggers out there! So please leave a comment with your name/URL to tell us about your sexy blog!

Cookies - Part 2

Last year we had a cookie exchange. I know... how girly. But it was fun. Really. And even sex bloggers like cookies.

Til I tried to make SFP's almond cookie thingies (bittersweet chocolate biscotti). See here for the story. Sooooo not beginner cookies. But I learned some stuff and they tasted fantastic. My family ate every bit of them, even all the crumbs. And there were lots of crumbs. They want me to make them again. This year I'm allocating more time.

I'm digressing (gosh who could even imagine such a thing?).

I'm supposed to be talking about this year's cookie thing.

Jz, last year's organizer, wants to do it again. And she has a plan. Go look at her blog for more details.

If you are interested in participating, send her an email at 1reluctantbitch@gmail.com before December 5. Include your name and the title of your blog. (Isn't that the best email address ever? I'm envious.)

She will make a giant list of everyone who is participating.

Holiday treat recipes are to be posted on December 7.

If you don't have a blog, I would be happy to post your recipe here. And even give you credit.

Antonyms

I was writing about submission for The Man.

Because I was unsubmissive and knew it.

I was obedient. Crossing the i's and dotting the t's. Oh, it's the other way round? Whatever.

So there I was thinking about submission. Submission. Submission is offering myself and my obedience to you and your control and authority. Submitting is letting go of what I want to give you what you want.

But you know, it's such an intrinsic part of my world that maybe I don't really understand it any more. So I went to look it up. On Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary. What did we do before the internet?

It tells me that Submission is "the condition of being submissive, humble or compliant". Compliant means easy, doesn't it? At least in my world. Humble is doing what you want when I don't want it. Sometimes that's hard for me. If we look further, humble is defined by what it's not. Not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive. Humble means biting my tongue, shutting the fuck up and just doing. Humble can mean not making the point I want to make.

Submission is the "act of submitting to the authority or control of another". Yeah. I do that. That made me smile. I submit to his control. His authority. We both love that part.

And then I get to the antonyms or opposites for submission. They are: balkiness, contrariness, contumacy, defiance, disobedience, frowardness, insubordination, intractability, noncompliance, obstreperousness, rebelling, rebellion, rebelliousness, recalcitrance, refractoriness, self-will, unruliness, waywardness, willfulness.

Yeah, I bet I've been or done all those things at times. I bet He thinks so. I bet even you guys think so.

Wait now. Let's see.

Balkiness. Well, not really. It means refusing to act as expected or directed. I'm slow to act occaisionally, but I don't actually balk.

Contrariness. Absolutely never. Okay, maybe occaisionally.

Contumacy. What's that exactly? Stubborn resistance to authority. Specifically wilful contempt of court. Umm. Yes.

Defiance. Definitely.

Disobedience. Not regularly. Though I have been.

Forwardness? Is that a mistake? A typo in M-W? Nope. Frowardness - habitually disposed to disobedience and oppostion. Well. Not habitually.

Insubordination. See above - rarely to the point of disobedience. 

Intractability. Yes. Noncompliance. Yes.

Obstreperousness. Which means clamorous or noisy. Which I'm not. Oh second meaning. Stubbornly resistant to control. Sometimes.

Rebelling. Rebellion. Rebelliousness. Yes. Yes. Yes. But not all the time she says in her defence.

Recalcitrance, funny, I'm at the point of looking everything up now, looking for shades of meaning. It means obstinately defiant of authority or restraint. Or difficult to manage or operate. Sigh. I am probably both of those things at times.

Refractoriness, resisting control or authority. Yeah. Sometimes.

Self-will, stubborn or wilful adherance to one's own ideas. Obstinate. I'm sure he thinks so sometimes. Funny how each time I read obstinate I feel like they are talking specifically about me?

Unruliness. Not readily ruled, disciplined or managed. It's a big job some days isn't it Sir?

Waywardness. Following one's own capricious, wanton or depraved inclinations. Jee. I think I follow his capricious, wanton and depraved inclinations. Ungovernable. I'm governable. So no.

Willfulness. Obstinately and often perversely self-willed. Hey, who are they calling perverse. Yes.

And yes I'm pretty sure he's thought most of those words about me at times. Okay, I guess I'm not perfect. But I do think I'm improving.

I think that children, particularly girls, used to be brought up with the idea of submission as a virtue, to adults, to authority, eventually to their husbands. And now? I think lots of them are still considered virtues aren't they?

Sometimes I struggle with submission. Sometimes I think he feel it's too easy for me, and wants to see more struggle, so he tops it up a little. Adds another weight to the clamps, make me use my left hand, makes me do it with my hands behind my back. Sometimes watching me crawl through the barbed wire and the mud makes it better for him. And sometimes crawling through the mud makes it better for me too.

I love submitting to him. Belonging to him. Having him own me. Even if I'm not perfect at any of it.

So What's New?

It's been a very "unsubmissive" week here. Not because I've been bad, but because The Man has been busy with real life stuff. And I've been a good sport, and good about being a good sport too, if you know what I mean.

And it means that the D/s stuff gets pushed aside, as does all the non-essential stuff in our lives when we hit a time and attention crunch. I understand that. I'm not a teenager, not new to the idea of relationships, and it's not a new relationship either. Maybe I've earned some relationship points there for being sweet about it, though being too eager to have them acknowledged defeats that right?

So what's been happening?

Well, I've done tons of reading. Which I love.

I've done some painting. Which I loved doing at the time. A girlfriend and I painted at her house. We drank gin and tonics and painted in her garden and had a wonderful afternoon stroking paint on canvases. It was fantastic. Til suddenly the sun went in and we were so cold we were literally running back and forth to get the stuff back into the house, frozen and giggling.

I took the painting into my office this week to hang it there and you know what? I'm not sure I love it that much. It's a good reminder of that afternoon, but the painting itself isn't great. Yes I'm critical of my stuff. I'm allowed to be. I think I'm going to swap it for another one I have here, where I'll be less critical of the painting, and more able to appreciate the memory. And at work I'll have one where I like the painting but don't really notice it anymore in it's current location.

Yoga. Loving it. It's so good for me.

I had one of those moments this week where I realized I'd forgotten to do something. Kind of like in school where you'd suddenly realize you've forgotten to do an assignment. Yikes. Gotta get on it. At least I realized in time.

I got Firefox. It's still mystifying me. I think it's good. But then there are things that are just different you know. And somehow different isn't great when it's on my screen! Not that I'm a Luddite. Am I?

My family life. Up and down. Good and bad. Satisfactions and frustrations. Life as usual right?

I've done girlfriendy things with girlfriends. So nice.

Work sucks. I hope it gets better.

And yes, I've had the blues. But trying to fight them. With friends and exercise and meditation and reading and creativity. See? I do know what to do. The light boxes were a great idea. I think I'll look into getting one. Thanks for that.

And soon I'll have my Dom back from VanillaWorld. That will be nice. I'm looking forward to it.

-sin

Blues

What do you do to chase away the blues? 

I get the blues soooo badly in November. It's cold, and it's dark. It drizzles. 

And it feels like crappy dismal weather will go on forever. 

So what do you do? 

Inspire me?

Remembrance Day

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada. A day when we honour those who served. I was going to post a poem, but then I thought I'd write about remembering my Dad.

George Santayana said that those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. I think that means that we should know it, study it, and think about how big the sacrifices they made were in order that some day we'll be finished going to war over things.

My Dad fought in the Second World War.

Which was one huge war, in the history of wars that creates the history of our world.

I think it shaped his life, his character, as it shaped the world around him. It changed the whole world. Something that's hard for us to remember these days. It went on for years, stealing 6 years of their lives, their time, their youth, their friends.

He lived in England, and was 17 when the war broke out. He was in the RAF, the Royal Air Force, and he flew in bombers for 6 years. Many of his friends died. Most of the men who did that job died. Year after year, hundreds of them died. They weren't unique, so many young men died.

And around them, others died, people died in London during the Blitz, they died in Europe of course, they died in the Pacific.

They suffered cold and hunger, during the war and for years afterward to pay for it.

It shaped their lives. 

He was young during the War.

And then after the War he wandered, left England. Worked in a dozen jobs in a dozen places. He was an old Dad, almost 40 when I was born. He was strict and stern. He didn't have much sympathy for the boys I dated.

I think the War took his youth as it stole the youth and lives of his generation. I think he considered that he was lucky to have lived. Maybe he thought about being lucky to be on the winning side. I know he was proud of what he'd done, proud of what they'd done.

I know, although he never talked about it. Occasionally I'd overhear a story when he was with the friends that he flew with during the War. Or if I'd ask him, for some school project, he'd say yes, he was cold and tired and scared. Yes they went to parties. Yes his Mom was worried. He made jokes about the privations of war. He didn't talk about when his friends died. There was lots he didn't talk about, wouldn't talk about.

It was odd growing up in a military household in the peace loving 60s and 70s. The world wasn't proud of them then.

But I was always proud of him, of them.

I grew up with the idea that war was bad and hard and often wrong. But that some things were worth fighting for, worth dying for. I remember, as a child, wondering what things could be so important they would be worth dying for, or killing someone for. And that we should be proud of the decision made by those who were prepared to pay that ultimate price.

Around this time of year, I love that the world slows down, if only for a moment to remember the people who served, who gave what they had, and in so many cases, they gave everything, to save the world for us.

Remember When...

Hee hee. This makes me laugh every time I see it.

I've felt swamped this week. I promise more real posts soon. Soonish. Pretty soon.

Orgasms in His Pocket

Monday morning The Man showed up while I was masturbating.

He interrupted me. And then I didn't have time to finish. Okay, actually as I recall, I did make time.

And then he took away my permission to masturbate and cum. In his words he "controls my sex".

I get that some of you love that, denial, someone limiting, managing your sexuality.

I feel very ambivalent about it.

Yeah, I like denial a tiny bit. I admit it. It can be steamy, can't it?

And I like that in our relationship he has the power to do this. And I also like that he doesn't do it all the time.

What I don't like is that sometimes when it happens, I wonder if it's something he values.

Cause if he values it, if it's important to him that he's holding my orgasms in his pocket, like a gemstone (or at least a shiny polished rock), if he takes that out and examines it, rubs his fingers over it, treasures it, then that's fine. Better than fine really.

But if it's something he takes and then forgets about, doesn't care or seem to care, then I hate it.

And I never know which way it's going to be. Whether it's the focus of his attention or not.

And I have no control over which one it's going to be. Besides nagging. Sort of negative control, right.

Take right now... he took control of them on Monday morning. Monday and Tuesday he paid close attention to me and my sexuality. I kind of liked it. In a wary way.

Today he's busy. He got me off earlier. And now he's busy and will be for the rest of the day.

It's my worst fear. He's got my orgasms in his pocket and he's wandered off to his real life. And I think he's forgotten he's got them. 

It's one day, one afternoon. No big deal. And this is the post I was going to write anyway. Not knowing that this would happen.

One day out of our relationship. And he's got my orgasms in his pocket. And he isn't thinking about me at all.

And the thing is, that when he reads this, he'll kind of like that. He'll feel in his pocket then, brush his fingers over my obedience, my sexuality, and like it.

Procrastination

Controlling My Sexuality

I've been away, just for the weekend, but we had almost no contact while I was away.

When I came back there were instructions waiting for me. I was going to masturbate for him. Dress in a slutty nightie, wear my collar, bring my favourite toy. I was to read a dirty story while he watched, and get off.

I think he wanted to control my sexuality again.

I think he wanted to ensure that I was sexual - because sometimes when we are apart I kind of lose interest. Though I'm not sure that was the case this time. But perhaps he just wanted to be sure.

So he wanted to ensure that I was sexual and that I felt his control. And that he felt it as well. And saw it. And could take advantage of it.

He chose a story for me and he'd read it before, at least far enough to know the general subject matter. Chastity belt. Yikes.

I bet he'd like me in a chastity belt. Dependent on him for any kind of sex.

I wouldn't. I'm so bad at having to ask nicely. I'm great at showing up sexy and seducing, but asking, begging, really not so good. I hate the humiliation of having to ask, knowing I'm dependent.

So yes I got my masturbation. I wore this totally slutty nightie, that's too see-through, too short, too low, too tight, and he pulls it up and down so it covers nothing at all, but just looks even sluttier. And he moved me this way and that, posing me, watching me, ordering me, until finally I was ready to cum.

I asked permission, as always. And, this is rare, but he didn't give it right away.

I had been masturbating with my favourite vibe, and when he didn't immediately say no, I pulled the vibe away. It was either that or go over and cum without permission. Long pause, and eventually he did say yes, but by then it was gone and I had to go search for it again.

I did find it eventually and had a sweet little orgasm. And thanked him nicely as he likes.

I went to bed not long after, and woke up wanting more this morning.

Sound like mission accomplished? Yeah, me too!

More Love

He read my blog and disagreed with my statement from last time that D/s means that I love and am loved.

He points out that before he came along I was virtually whoring my way around the internet with no love but lots of sex and submission. Well that's true. He points out that I not only wasn't looking for love. He makes me remember that I didn't want to have anything to do with love. And that love is what I feel with him, but not necessarily what I felt or would feel with anyone else that I had some D/s with.

Okay. Point(s) taken.

There could certainly be D/s sex without love. There could be that thrill of being told and doing without there being love. Yeah. I agree.

And while I wasn't looking for love, was afraid of finding love, that in a way I wanted it too. And I would say that I tried to nurture that kind of feeling with the few short lived relationships I had with Doms before Big Bad.

The comments on my last post on Love were great, and helped frame my thinking on this. Hmmm... as much as they are framed. Honestly I think this one is like trying to nail jello to a wall.

Remittance Girl commented, "To me, the idea of trusting someone enough to give them that power over me and not being in love with that person seems... untenable." Yessss. There's something there isn't there. To give someone that power, I must be at least a little in love with them, and they with me. Because otherwise, it would be too dangerous maybe. So it's a safety net? Yes. There's really something that resonates there with me.

Maybe that's the D/s equivalent of needing to be in love with someone you have sex with.


Because though I really wasn't looking for love, I was kind of trying to find it. I wanted my Doms to care about me. To like and care about me as a person. I wanted them to want me too, and to find power and satisfaction in my obedience. But I needed them to care about me. Otherwise, there would be something unseemly in it.
 
Is that about respect? Maybe.
 
LittleMonkey said that perhaps it was easier for men than for women to be involved in D/s and not feel love for their partner. Perhaps that's true. I think women tend to look for love, to justify with love. But I think there are other factors too. I think that there's something that ties up the bottom in bonds of love. We obey so we love. Or something like that.
 
Aisha says that submission is love in action. Ummm. I bet it is for her. But for me it's more about a way to have sex. A way of framing a relationship in a very very sexual way.  
 
Is there cause and effect with openness and vulnerability, intimacy and intensity? Jeez, I don't know. I kind of think there must be.
 
And yet, how can all that stuff happen, how can you be that open with someone when you love them? How can that develop with someone you love? Aren't you terrified of losing them? Aren't you afraid they will be horrified and turn away?
 
I think that love develops by doing, by acting loving. I certainly think that habits can shape belief, in many different ways. Or, more truthfully, love can develop by doing, or resentment and hatred can develop.
 
Does it matter if it's really love or just some kind of intense physical response? I don't know. I think that if it feels like love, and manifests like love, then maybe it's essentially the same thing.
 
And does it matter? Does any of this matter to what I feel? Not really. I feel what I feel. And I'm likely to go on feeling it for the foreseeable future. And sometimes I just wonder why or how or what makes it that way. I'm introspective about my D/s. But really I think it's just the exercise of nailing jello to the wall, just to see if I can make it stick.

Love

Does D/s mean I love you?

It sounds like a simple question. No D/s doesn't necessarily mean love, though it can.

And D/s doesn't repair a marriage or a relationship, any more than a baby would in my opinion. Though both work for some people, some relationships. Those are the rare lucky ones I think. Those happy families who discover Domestic Discipline and suddenly a marriage that was old and stale becomes fresh again. All the things they always loved about each other are back in a new context and the marriage is saved. Yeahhh!

If one person wants to try D/s and the other one doesn't then it can create a rift. If I want it an my partner doesn't, what do I do? Suck up the lack or look elsewhere for it? Or if he wants it and I don't I think he's a pervert right? Like those couples where she thinks he is disgusting because he watches porn. Nasty.

I think that where D/s exists, it can create love. It can create a such a strong connection between the two (or more) people. There's some kind of magic, some kind of alchemy that happens. That takes two ordinary people and creates an extraordinary passion.

How else to explain it? Why else would I feel such an immense desire to please him? And is that love or magic or fascination?

For me, making him unhappy, displeased, disappointed, is it's own little punishment. Left on my own, I'll almost always seek to correct that as soon as possible. I think it's self policing. Let me know what you want, and I'll try to give it.

Be explicit with me about what you want, and I'll try to do it.

Let me know that you are pleased with what I did, and I'm thrilled. Those "good girl" strokes, are strokes worth seeking for me. And while I don't perform for them, I love receiving them. I would never have imagined that I would. And yet from the very first time someone said "good girl" to me, I was thrilled. Although secretly, inside I thought, "omg I can't like this! The other feminists can never know this!" But I do love it.

I know that some people have very strong ideas about D/s and love. To some, it seems essential that there be love, to others it seems obvious that love would make the D/s less pure.

I guess everyone is different. And I know which way it is for me.

For me, I think D/s means there's love. For me, I think I need love in order to feel that my D/s is working.

Hmmm... I have tons more to say and no more time. Stay tuned.

The Letter of the Law

When your Dominant gives an order does he expect you to obey the letter of the law or the spirit and intent of it?

If mine gives an order he expects me to follow the specific wording of what he has said, the letter of the law. Especially at first he doesn't want me putting my overlay on it, interpreting what he wants, he just wants me to do exactly what he says.

If he says to wear high heels and he's told me to go to the park, and I can tell that heels at the park isn't appropriate, I'll probably wear them anyway. He might not really want that combination of things, but it's what he's said so he probably does. Maybe some game with "inappropriate". And if he's forgotten that he told me to wear high heels on a day where he sent me to the park, at least doing what he said will mean that I get points for obedience.

He doesn't need it to be unquestioning obedience. I am encouraged to ask questions. "Sir, did you really mean for me to do this?" I can ask before, during or after. And he'll almost always answer.

He loves the beauty of having his instructions followed exactly. He loves that if he says do 3 jumping jacks before you start, he knows that I'll do them. If he tells me to masturbate that day before midnight, he doesn't mean "if convenient".  He means do it and if you think you absolutely cannot, then find a way to tell me that. If he sends me to the store for something, he doesn't mean it's fine if you have it in the fridge to use that. He means go to the store.

He loves having a set of orders followed exactly. Like a treasure map or a mathematical equation it matters what comes first.

So what if something isn't the way he thinks it is and I know something he doesn't that makes the instruction impossible or impractical or I just can't? Then I better find a way to tell him as soon as possible after he gives the instruction or even before if I know it's coming. And if he has given it, then I need to tell him as soon as possible to try to have it modified. Like if he's sending me to the park in high heels and I don't have time because I'm late, I need to tell him that. If he's sending me to the park in high heels and it's January and there's 3 feet of snow and even the path isn't plowed, I need to tell him that, and maybe he'll wait til spring or maybe he does want me teetering through the park in heels in snow (in which case I'd want to wear old ones).

What if he tells me to do something every hour on the hour and it's embarrassing or exposing? Then I better make sure that I'm somewhere no one sees me. He expected it to be challenging when he gave it, and it's up to me to make it work.

So what if, like an example from a month or two ago, he wants me to pull over and masturbate (or talk) on the way to work? He'd usually ask me about my schedule, my logistics before doing that. He'd usually know if I was busy. But if he hadn't, and I had a meeting I'd be late for, with my boss or a colleague or even a friend, I'd tell him and he'd postpone whatever it was he wanted. He's not so inflexible he won't bend to commitments that came first in time.

What if it's dangerous? Then I need to tell him that and he'll modify it. He won't put me into danger, and he doesn't expect me to go there without protest. He wants me safe above all.

Oh and he loves numbers. And if he gives a number, he intends for that number to stand. If he says to bring myself almost to orgasm 3 times he doesn't mean at least 3 and that 4 would be even better. He means 3. I know, because I've been there before, and gotten in trouble for that. But only once I think, as that message was pretty clear. 3 means 3. More isn't better.

But surely he wants me to think for myself. Ummm. Sometimes. He likes that I can of course. And he doesn't run every single thing in my life, not by a long shot. He likes that I'm smart and successful and have a professional career. But he wants me to do what he tells me. That's his kink, his joy even. He wants me to follow his orders.

If it was up to me, I would lean more towards following the spirit and intent of what I believe he wants. It seems to me that would be a more mature, sophisticated way of dealing, of interpreting, of ensuring that he gets what he wants. But that's not what he wants. He wants what he says, and even where it turns out that following what he says leads us to someplace different from what he wanted, he wants the path followed anyway. His way.