Bigging It Up

I have no idea what to write here today.

I feel like I've moved away from a D/s blog, and am occupying a niche as a filler blog. Each day some new quickie or funny thing to fill in the blanks where there used to be D/s and intensity.

At the moment there's not much D/s in my life.

My Dom and I are ...

Well he's away.

And he's got a family crisis. Actually it's mostly a crisis of his own making. It requires tons of maintenance and will for a while.

Which matters because I need some maintenance too. And he doesn't have the time or the energy for me at the moment. I do get that.

He says "trust me". Which is sort of his way of putting me on hold and telling me everything will be fine in the long run if I don't "big it up" too much in the short term.

Yeah. I trust you and trust that that's the case. We'll get through this.

I really could use some attention though. Relationship attention. D/s attention. Some good rough play.

Not gonna happen for a while. I guess this is me bigging it up huh? Tsk.

Resolutions

As we come to the end of one year and the beginning of the next, what will I change? What will change in my life whether I want it to or not? What will I resolve?

Will I improve myself, my life?

Will I plan more? Will I be happier? Will I be more organized?

Will I be thinner? Maybe taller?

Will I be a better wife, submissive, mother, employee, boss? Will I be a better friend, a better colleague?

Will I procrastinate less, accomplish more?

What are you satisfied with in your life? What needs improvement? 

Stay tuned for the next gripping installment...

Badness

My kobo is broken. That's my e-reader.

I think some damn teenager sat on it.

Actually I think it was a team effort, one kid threw his jacket down on it, and the second kid sat on the jacket.

Wahhh!

Canadian, eh?

Do You Think My Teenager is Right?

Maybe we did have kids just so they could do all our chores?

Right now my teen is doing all the packing, my husband is messing around on his computer, I'm here on mine and my younger kid is outside playing.

Just an update. Everything okay after yesterday's desperate sounding post.

Okay... I'm going to help pack.

-sin

Confrontation

This morning was lovely. It was peaceful and happy. My sister was here, slept over last night and we had 2 hours or so of girl talk before anyone else got up. Perfect.

And then I watched a sweet movie, Love Actually. Yeah, I know it's girly, but it was that kind of day. Curled up on my couch, with a shawl and coffee and a girly movie.

And then, out of the blue something bad happened. A nasty little confrontation that left me feeling bad, worried, guilty, sick over it. It was done and over in less than five minutes.

But I think some of the bad will linger. Anxiety, guilt. Concern.

Shit.

I Love Christmas

I love Christmas.

I know lots of people, whether Christian or Jewish or Muslim or atheist (should that have a capital?) or just generally vanilla living in a predominantly Christian world do not love it. They feel it's overblown, too commercial, too much of everything.

Yes, I guess it can be. But here's the thing. It's commercial (and I do concede that it can be) because people want to give things to the people they love. They want to give them happiness and love and the perfect present can say that, can't it?

Don't you think all of us look back on those perfect Christmases or birthdays, those perfect gifts when we were little or not so little. Those times when we got exactly what we wanted, sometimes more than we expected? I think that's what we try to recreate with the buying we do. We want that moment of perfectly pleasing someone. We want to give that moment of perfection.

As we get older and have to buy stuff for people who we know we probably won't please, it can be frustrating or make us sad or resentful. And yes, that can be hard. I remember looking and looking and looking for something spectacular for my Dad. But of course he didn't need anything from me. And gosh he was hard to buy for. As I look back I realize that he was pleased by everything I gave him, because the gifts showed love and caring and thoughtfulness, things he would have valued greatly.

What I love about it is how many people do take the time to think about others. Sometimes it's in the context of religion, sometimes it isn't religious at all. But people give to charity and to others, giving is way up this time of year. People think more about others.

And it seems to me that in the midst of this crazy season of hurry and parties and buying and traveling and cooking and consumption there's a moment, an hour, a day even when we stop, when we are forced to stop, and enjoy our families and the people we are with.

I love that time. It's still and white here. Peaceful, though there are sounds of kids playing. I love the trees and the lights and the presents. I love knowing I'm going to my moms to eat dry turkey with lots of gravy and play games with my family and laugh and shout and ...

I wish some of that for all of you.

Merry Christmas.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been pretty good this year. At least I think so, though some might not agree. But we know the truth right, because you know if I've been naughty or nice.

So here's what I want for Christmas.

I'd like to wake up Christmas morning and find my Big Bad Dom all wrapped up under the tree.

Actually, now that I think about it, wrapping is optional.

Thank you,

sin

P.S. if you have extra room, toys would be good too.

How To Wrap A Cat For Christmas

Its Christmas Eve and most of my stuff is done. Most?

Well, I still have the find the gorgeous blue scarf that I bought for my mom and stuck in my closet back in October. I am sure it's in there. Really.

And I have to do some non-Christmas things. Like renew my licence plates before they expire and ... Stuff like that. Wish I'd done that earlier!

And some baking. But that's easy. And I've left it til the last minute because I want it fresh, and because I like it. I often do it Christmas Day, as my Christmas Day doesn't really start til about 4 in the afternoon when we go to my mom's (with the scarf all nicely wrapped!)

I have some things to wrap too. Some of the awkward shapes. But I have tape and lots of paper, though the tape and scissors keep moving around this year with at least 3 of us wrapping things. For the past 15 years it's been almost entirely me who wraps things so the tape and scissors never moved, never got lost!

And in that spirit of wrapping special things, or maybe in the spirit of getting silly about wrapping, I offer you the following youtube video. Why yes, I have been spending a lot of time watching youtube. Why do you ask?

Captain Jack Sparrow

I love this. It's the contrast! And it's funny. "Not better!"

But seriously, how can there be 61 million hits on it? How can there be 61 million hits on anything?

Darth Vader conducts Christmas Choir Flash Mob - Carol of the Bells

Negotiating

Let me start by saying this is another post about us fighting. If you don't want to read about that, that's fine, click one of the excellent selections on the right hand side to read another blog or click the red X in the top right hand corner. Don't leave me a comment that says we always fight and maybe we should break up or that I'm not submissive enough. My relationship is fine, healthy, and pretty durable. It's passionate, and our fights are part of that. And this blog is part of me processing that kind of thing. But it's not for everyone, and if you've been around for too many cycles of Big Bad and Sin fighting, then move on. 

Still here? Okay, here it is:

Several days ago he gave me a task. It's something kind of sexy, kind of fun, and it was meant to keep me busy and keep us a bit connected while he is away for AGES over Christmas. We will have some contact but not as much, as he hangs with his wimminfolk: his mom and his sis and his kids and oh yeah, his girlfriend.

He gave me the task, and I read it over. It's a shopping task and it's to be done during the time while he's gone, which is about 9 days long. And then a proposed (but not really anticipated) trip came through for me and I will be gone for 5 of those days. And 2 of them are non-shopping days. So that leaves me two days to do it. Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. NOT my favourite shopping days of the year.

So suddenly the task went from kind of intriguing to very onerous. Instantly.

So I was cranky. Trying to figure out how to do the task, which had kind of become the "damned task". It didn't occur to me to say no, or even to try to renegotiate it. But it was going to be a huge hassle. It was going to take time, and lots of it because of the days it had to be done. It was going to cause stress. And I guess I didn't think he knew that. I wanted him to know it. And I wanted him to value the time it was going to take me.

And oh, it also seemed to me, that in this busy jam packed time of year he was giving me this thing to do that didn't matter one little bit. It was irrelevant. Maybe even busy work. And I was swamped. And how could he make me do this thing that didn't matter?

So I didn't say no. Not quite. But I wasn't sweet about it. I was sulky. Pouty. Harried. I made sure he knew it.

And then he was annoyed. Sulky? Umm. Maybe a bit. Certainly annoyed. Ticked at me.

He asked me, finally, if I wanted the task taken away.

I kind of hedged. I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either.

I started to backpedal, to try to see the positive. I said I could do it. Maybe I could squeeze some time at lunch time or ...

But by then it was too late. He was pissed off at me, and asked me again and again whether I wanted the task taken away. I was aware he was disappointed and that whatever I did wasn't salvaging the situation. Eventually I said yes. And he took it away.

Which didn't make us better.

Today we finally talked about what happened. What he knew, what I knew. What I should have done. Why what I did didn't work.

What I should have done is try to renegotiate with him. Times. I could have done it before he left or after he came back. That would have been an easy offer from me, and he likely would have accepted it. I could have said that I felt it would be really hard and offered to substitute a different task, and do his another time. Any Saturday afternoon in January would work for his task. I should have trusted him to know me and my situation.

Sorry Sir. I will try to remember this next time. 

So that's part 1 of the lesson.

I'm sure that part 2 will  come in January some time. When he turns this into a teaching moment and makes sure I don't forget it.

And honestly, I hate when he punishes me, but I truly hate when he's just disappointed and pissy with me even more.

Maybe he'll forget between now and then?

A Horse of a Different Colour

Happy Hanukkah. It's odd when Christmas and Hanukkah overlap. They are just a little bit similar, which might be why the zebra appealed.

Anyway... whatever you celebrate, Hanukkah, or Christmas, Solstice or Kwanza, happy holidays.

Math Answer and Bad Girls at Parties

Okay, you get this right? I did promise an answer.

The question was:

It took Marie 10 minutes to saw a board into 2 pieces. If she works just as fast, how long will it take her to saw the board into 3 pieces?

The right answer is 20 minutes. Sawing the board into 2 pieces is 1 cut which takes 10 minutes. Sawing the board into 3 pieces is 2 cuts which takes 20 minutes.

The teacher was wrong. Dumbass.

This math moment brought to you by me being overtaken by the festive season: Hanukkah, Christmas, and other December celebrations. Like Birthdays.

Too much celebration? No such thing right? Actually I love it.

What I'm not loving this year is a succession of whiny spoiled girl children. Seriously. Tears, drama, angst. Who needs it? I don't get why girls think it's acceptable to bring that whiny crap to social events and expect to be rewarded for it. I've had two events in a row impacted by girl antics and brattyness. Now one of them was only 6, but still old enough to know better than to act the way she was acting. There were other girls though, the oldest was 21. Grrr.

All those years I kind of thought wistfully about the little girls I hadn't had. I take it all back. I don't want girls. I am so happy with my boy children. Calm, even tempered. Sweet. Lucky me?

Okay, I know you were hoping for a different kind of thing when you read the title that said "Bad Girls at Parties". It is a good title, isn't it? Maybe it calls for a story? Truth or fiction. What do you think?

A Math Moment

This didn't happen to me or mine, it's copied from Facebook. Funny anyway though. Answers tomorrow if you don't get it!

First World Problems

I was looking out my back window this morning, admiring the prettiness of the silvery blue ice on the pool. The pool that the winter cover isn't on, and I guess it probably won't go on at this point. There's a pretty dusting of snow on the patio furniture around the pool. Everything is sparkling. And it made me think of this which I tucked away a couple of days ago...

Have you heard of first world problems? First world problems are things that annoy us, but that people with real problems would find ridiculous. First world problems are brought about by us having too much stuff, or by our stuff not working quite the way we want. Or something like that.

The Badger's Hut says that : 'These can’t just be modern annoyances or complaints – they must have some manner of venal but pointless decadence to them. Ergo, “my pizza is late” is just irritating; “the pizza tracker is broken so I don’t know when to put my pants on” is a first world problem.'

Anyway... I've seen references to the idea a couple of times. But the Mommy Edition which I pasted below speaks to me! It's from Rants from Mommyland.

Enjoy...

Wish List

I was telling the story of last Wednesday, but I think the mood is broken so I'll move on, at least for the time being. Maybe I'll come back to it at some point.

I'll tell you instead,  about a conversation last night. The Man, The Other Girl, and I were talking and The Man asked us both to tell one thing we'd like for Christmas.A sex toy.

One thing? Crap. How could I choose just one thing? And why did I have to go first?

I thought quickly and couldn't decide. So I tried to squeeze in a bunch and hope he didn't call me on it. She tried to help me out by suggesting I should get one for each night of Hanukkah. Nice huh? Though he didn't really go for it.

So after considerable stalling, I said that though I usually wanted clamps, so I have lots. So I chose heavier weights. I know, crazy right? But there's something very freaking hot to me about weights. No. Not shoes Sir, weights. Smaller weights that can be added slowly, cause slow is good.

And I want a belt. Yes, in the sex toys category.

Interesting to note that when the sub is telling the Dom about things she wants, it's all stuff that most people probably think I should be avoiding. But he asked and I do want it. I'm not usually much into spanking or being beaten or whatever words you want to put on it, but I do kind of want to explore that a bit more. I like being pushed a bit. So, the belt. Nervously.

And pink handcuffs, cause who wouldn't want pink handcuffs?

And a new vibrator, cause I am worried about mine. It's getting elderly, and not as energetic as it used to be.

And... he cut me off. Before I could even say that you can never have too many clamps. Can you believe it?

When we asked him, he said he'd choose a huge dildo. Bigger around than his wrist. Yikes. Would you like lube with that Sir?

He asked her for her choice.

And she said she'd like a webcam, and clamps, and weights too. She clearly liked my Hanukkah approach. More is better. And oh the power of suggestion. I bet she wouldn't have thought of weights without me going first. And would she be sorry she'd picked them? Would I?

And then she said that any gift he gave her would be the gift she wanted most. Sweet huh? And she meant it. Being a Dom is great sometimes isn't it?

And then he said something sweet too, that would utterly destroy his reputation as a bad ass, so I'm not supposed to repeat it.  But it was sweet and reassuring and I thought it totally charming. 

Nice huh?

Gagging

He said submit. Knowing I didn't really want to. Knowing I wanted to rebel. Sometimes I think there's more power that way. Though I do get that keeping his fucking foot on the back of my neck to keep me kneeling is a nuisance for him sometimes.

He had me playing with myself with my favourite black vibrator. And I was turning on, making myself submissive. Doing as he wanted.

He was touching his cock. And then suddenly I was wishing I was sucking his cock. Imagining the sucking, the feel of him on my tongue, and the submission of doing it.

He asked me if I wanted it, to suck his cock.

And then suddenly I was kneeling in front of him, and he had me demonstrating on my vibrator.

He stood it straight up, had my curl my hand around it, and then demonstrate how I'd suck the top 3 inches. How I'd love it, caress it, kiss it, rub it on my face.

Then he moved my fingers down, giving myself another inch, having me take it all and then stroke my mouth up and down it. Occasionally, he'd tell me he wanted to see my lips right up against my fingers.  And then he'd have me play with the head of the cock for a while.

And then he moved my fingers another half inch, then another and another. And eventually it was too much for me to take it all in my mouth without gagging.

And yet he was still telling me to take it all, to press my lips right up against my fingers, that he didn't want to see any black between my lips and my fingers.

And I was gagging on the cock, trying to fake it, to push my lips out to cover the gap, to use my lips to take up the space that wasn't in my mouth.

(Often blow jobs wind up as fakery don't they? Where we try to fake that we still feel as enthusiastic as we did when we started, we pretend that our jaws or our knees don't hurt. Or that we aren't choking. I pretended that. And I pushed my lips out further, to seem like I was taking more of the cock in my mouth. And I'm sure they know and don't want to that we aren't as enthusiastic after 30 minutes of sucking... )

So he moved my fingers down another half inch and insisted again that I go down to my fingers. And then stay there. As I gagged on it, I came off and he made me go down again. And stay there this time. And as I gagged on it a couple of times and recovered each time, I wondered if I'd throw up and what he'd do if I did.

And whether the power of making me do that, of knowing that I was following his instructions and obeying would outweigh the ick factor.

And then he eased off a little bit and I didn't actually throw up. 

Yeah. I guess there was some power and some sex there for him.

Ohhhh, and then in talking about this with him later he said, "Now, let me get this straight, were you trying to hide the fact that you were gagging from me? And why would you do that?"

And I didn't know what to say. Why was I? Simply because gagging isn't attractive? He points out that it's not all about "attractive".

And then he said that surely I knew it was set up so that eventually I would gag. That if I didn't gag that time, he would have lowered my fingers again. And again. Humph. I guess I didn't know that. Seems obvious now though.

So I guess gagging on cock is a desirable thing?

Letting It Go

This morning when he left to go to the gym he said, "wear the pale pink nightie, the one that barely covers you and wear your collar. Bring the 'birthday clamps', the black vibe, the sex cream." And he said he would be a bit late, which suggested to me that he'd be home about 9:30, at the earliest, so that's what I was shooting for.

And then I noticed a text at about 9:15, from a couple of minutes before, that said call me. I was just out of the shower, so I hadn't seen the text come in. But sitting on my bed in my pale green towel I called.

And he had me wait, first for one thing, then a second, then a third. Each wait was maybe 3-5 minutes. But I waited patiently. Well, quietly, and fairly patiently at least.

And then he said "okay, get up in front of the webcam and show me how you've dressed for me."

Argggg.

I didn't dress for you. Not like this. I got hijacked. I was getting ready and then you said this and then you said that and then you said wait and wait and wait. And this isn't how I was going to be and I don't have the stuff I was supposed to bring and ...

And then he said stop. I want you to submit to me. Get your fucking head around it and give me submission.

So I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, and more importantly closed my mouth over the words that wanted to come out.

A jumble of "this isn't fair", "how the fuck do you expect me...", "you can't just...", and even "god you're a pain when you..." I didn't say any of that.

Instead I said "yes Sir". Murmured. I didn't feel submissive at all. I was annoyed. 

Yeah sister I get that you wouldn't have been. Doesn't that just make you the best little subbie in the world? I'm talking about me here.

And I get that the name of the game is pleasing him, so if he wants me in a towel that's what he gets and if he wants me in the pale pink nightie he can make that happen too. Just give him what he asks for right? But there's something about conflicting instructions and not being ready through no fault of my own that stresses me, puts my back up, makes me testy.

And it's hard to make yourself  feel submissive when he's staring right at me, knowing that i don't feel submissive.

So he moves me this way and that. The towel falls off and he has me touch myself and I reach way down inside myself and pull out the reserve submission that I keep just for times like this. And I murmur softly and sweetly and work on forgetting that I was annoyed and just being and doing what he wants. Sometimes letting it go is the hardest thing.

Striver

One of my friends posted this on Facebook and I think it's cool and want to share it with you.

It's a visual Personality Quiz . You click on the pictures that represent you. It's fun; a bit different.

Actually it says DNA and Personality Quiz, but the pedant in me wants to point out that at no time was a skin or saliva scraping taken.

Which is not to say I don't think it's accurate. I actually did it twice, entering some different things in cases where there was more than one right answer for me, or another that was close, some same ones where really there was only one that was me.

And I came up with very similar answers each time. I'm a "striver".

It says I am:  Kind-hearted and warm, you're always there for your friends, rain or shine. You have a positive spirit and are generous when it comes to sharing it with those around you. You have tons of infectious energy and lots of natural enthusiasm. You tend to be committed when it comes to achieving your goals in life. You set high standards for yourself and others and like to keep your eye on the prize. Resourcefulness is definitely one of your finest strengths. When you get excited about something, you have the confidence and passion to inspire all those around you. You seem to have a really healthy attitude toward life! It takes a lot to throw you off balance, and you don't let much stress you out...

It came out that way both times even using my different responses. Funny huh? It does sound like me. The rest does too, btw, I just cut it short cause I thought you'd get bored and wander off.

Click on the link and try it - it takes about 5 minutes I think, maybe a bit longer to read the results.

Early Sin

Once I haven't posted for a couple of days, suddenly it's harder to post anything. Because I feel like I'm supposed to have been working up to something profound. And really I haven't been. I've just been busy, swamped with life stuff.

So... hmmm, let's see.

Oh, I know. I'm spending a lot of time with a young woman who just turned 21. She's pretty and sexy and strong and omg she reminds me of me at 21.

When I was that age, I was engaged to be married to a guy I had been with since 17. The thing that attracted me most to him was that he was smart. I loved that he was smart. When I was in high school, I never exactly played dumb, and I didn't lose at games or anything like that, but smart wasn't hanging around smoking on every street corner waiting to be discovered.

Anyway, I LOVED that he was smart. He was witty and quick and funny and oh, did I mention smart? He was science-y and a couple of years ahead of me in school, though only 6 months older and he tutored calculus. And he was cute, in kind of a skinny way. And he had other great qualities. And he loved me, and found me smart and sexy and fun. So we were together for ages.

And, depending on how nice you wanted to be about it you could say that I was kind of bossy with him, or that I wore the pants, or that I was manipulative or that he was totally pussy whipped. It's true. I bossed him around. I told him what to do and how. I gave the orders and got mad if it wasn't done my way. Sometimes I was a bitch and spent a lot of time belittling him. I'm not very proud of any of it. And he let me. It wasn't an explicit power exchange relationship, it was just me taking control cause he let me, and I didn't like the me I became sometimes with him. I could be quite contemptuous I think, often impatient, and sometimes very belittling. I was a bitch. We had sex on my schedule if at all, and it was clear that he wanted it more than I did.

(You want to bet The Man is reading this just shaking his head in disbelief and horror?)

Anyway, we got engaged, much to my sister's dismay. She tried to talk me out of it, telling me he was a nice guy but nowhere near strong enough for me. I didn't listen. But not long after we got engaged, we went out with his brother and sister-in-law. And I was shocked to watch the sis-in-law contemptuously order his brother around. It was gross. I was embarrassed, for them and for myself. I was ashamed of what I was becoming. And not long after that I broke things off with him.

Hmmm... an early Sin story.

Why raise this? Because this 21 year old woman is so much like me. Her boyfriend is weak, ineffectual. He's a pussy. He lets her boss him around all the time. And she's mean about it, contemptuous. She needs someone stronger.

And yes, I get that there are relationships that do very well with the woman in charge, it's not different from the man in charge. It wasn't for me, but at least I discovered it early.

But the thing is, contempt is a killer. It kills the love.

It's subtly different from humiliation, isn't it? Or maybe I just want to think so?

Safety

I've been thinking about safety in a D/s relationship. Partly inspired by Aisha, writing about it here and here. And it strikes a chord in me (and in many of her other readers obviously).

It seems to me that a D/s relationship, which demands openness, honesty, communication and trust can lead to safety and therefore can use that feeling of safety to exploit some other stuff.

But the foundation has to really be there or it's not going to work.

Gosh, how to explain it? It's complicated and some of it doesn't make much sense.

He asks, he questions, he probes, he listens. I do the same, by the way, it's not just one sided in terms of communication and honesty.

And then he uses all that to make me feel safe.

I do feel safe in the relationship. I feel like there's a deep foundation of safety. I feel like he cares immensely about me. I think that's one of the reasons that the "Daddy" name works for so many D/s couples. It's not about age play, and its not at all about incest, or not usually for most people, it's about feeling safe, secure, and unconditionally cared for.

And then, once he has established that foundation of me feeling safe, secure, cared for, and respected, he can do whatever he wants, he can have me do whatever he wants.

In asking me all about everything he has found the places where I am vulnerable, unsure, easily hurt. He demands more. And then he goes there. He makes me open them up to him, because he's interested but also because there's power there for him. And there's more power for him in the places where it's hardest for me, because we both know that it's harder for me.

But he's created a safe place for me to be opened up in. Hmmm, maybe it's like surgery? It's a very unsafe procedure in a very safe place.

When I started exploring submission, I assumed it was all about sex. When I met my Dom, I was surprised to find that he insisted on a relationship. He wanted more than just to do me. Honestly, I wanted the doing at that point. He wanted to talk, to find out everything about me. I wanted him to tie me up and fuck me and do dark deviant things to me. He wanted so much more.

Information is power. I must have said that a thousand times in the early days of our relationship as I watched him collect information about me, and then watched him start to put it to use. I was amazed at his questions, his use of the data he collected about me. I marvelled at how well he understood me. Years later, it's clearer. He knows women, especially submissive women, and he got to know me. And he's smart and intuitive and invested. And he knows what he wants.

I feel sometimes like he has stripped my skin off. I feel intensely vulnerable, I have no protection left, and sometimes it's very very uncomfortable. And yet I crave it. It feels like I am more alive than ever before. And I am able to let it happen, to open myself up to that kind of vulnerability because I feel safe, secure, respected, cared for.

Pleasing

In a conversation last night, strictly hypothetical about a three way relationship, he asked me if I doubted my ability to please him.

Absolutely not, I said. I knew I pleased him.

Well, wait, he says. Hear me out here. Cause pleasing Me in that case is much more than sexual pleasure. It also becomes accepting the other girl. Enjoying her. Not getting jealous. Keeping the drama down. Lots more than a one on one.
Still feel you don't doubt it?

Great expectations I say.

Well he says. I just want you to know what pleasing me includes in that case.

Not getting jealous? Um yeah. Okay, I guess I do have doubts.

Point of View

Yesterday was really good.

Well, in a way it wasn't.

Looked at objectively, lots of people might not have found much to impress them in my day. Not much privacy, and I'm still sick, or is that sick again?

But I felt happy at the end of it.

I got some quality time with The Man. Even that, looked at objectively wasn't ideal. But we both made the best of it, and I think we both wound up feeling loving and connected and very happy with each other.

And I got most of my shopping done. Kind of unexpectedly found a great store with things I know my kids want, things that I was happy with - outdoor/camping gear at the Scout Shop. Yeah!

And I felt like a great mom for a bit yesterday; my non-reader is reading and thrilled with it, my intense child seems happy. All's right with the world.

No angst.

And my glass that could have seemed half empty seems pretty full.

Caramel Oatmeal Chewy Bars

Mmmm. My sister used to make these and gave me the recipe she had lovingly perfected. These are amazing. But ... be warned, I think they have 200 calories each. And while you are eating them they seem so worth it!

Yes I know they aren't technically cookies, but trust me on this one. 

3/4 cups of oats
1 1/2 cups flour
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 cup butter

1 cup chocolate chips (semi-sweet)
1 cup chopped nuts (optional - or you can add skor bits or dried cranberries or raisins or more chocolate or nothing at all here - doesn't matter they are going to be awesome anyway)

14 oz bag of caramels (yes like Kraft)
1/4 cup of water


Preheat oven to 350. Mix dry ingredients. Melt butter and add to dry stuff to make crumb mixture. Grease a 9 x 13 inch pan and pack all but one cup of crumb mixture into the pan.  Bake 10 minutes at 350 degrees. Top with nuts and chocolate pieces.

Peel caramels and melt in microwave or on stove with the water. This is fussy. Try to get your kids to help. It takes longer than you think it's going to so this isn't a great recipe to throw together in the last 20 minutes before your guests arrive.

Melt caramel until smooth. Drizzle over chocolate to within 1/4 inch of edge of pan. Sprinkle on remaining crumbs.

Bake 15-18 minutes.

Cool, chill until chocolate is set and then cut into bars.

Sorry, no picture. Where is my camera?

These will turn your friends giddy with joy (and sugar).

Other bloggers and blogs participating are here (ohhhh pleeeeease let the links work properly!). Go and look, I've only seen a few to this point but they look amazing:

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Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
Krissy
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira

Edit : and late to the party Autumn wants to join...

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Yeahhh the links worked - happy baking - make good choices!

Over Sharing on Social Media

My over-sharing facebook friend has decided to take up tweeting. Sweet. Now if I want I can get her messages about what she is having for dinner on tweets as well as facebook. Tonight she's having frozen pizza btw. I just thought you'd want to know. Last night it was chicken dumplings. Often there's a photo.

Does this woman need a job or what?

Social media like facebook and blogs are all about over-sharing right?

It does occur to me that I over-share stuff too.

My Dom and me this, my Dom and me that. We're good, we're bad, we rock the house.

Sex, pain, fights. I over-share everything.

But... I guess that's what you come for. And you'll have to keep coming here for it, as I'm not thinking of taking up tweeting any time soon.

-sin

Real Life

I'm working on writing something for my real life.

I'm enjoying researching and writing it, but I'm a perfectionist with some things and this falls into that category. I need to just write it and have done with it.

I need to get it to a point where it's good enough and send it in.

Oh... and did I mention that I procrastinate at the beginning of every project? I think it's a kind of self-sabotage. So that it won't ever stand the chance of being really great, but I can excuse that by saying, at least to myself, "well I left it too long."

Or maybe I'm just lazy?

He's Home!

Yeahhh!

I'm glad to have him home again.

I think he wonders sometimes while he's gone and when he comes home whether he is somehow hungrier for me than I am for him. Which seems wrong to him from a D/s standpoint.

And it's not true. I've just learned to suck it up a bit and not whine about it.

So I am pleased to see him when I see him, I don't nag or whine or have expectations. I'm not demanding about it.

But that doesn't mean I'm not hungry for him.

I am!

Men in Power

Men in power positions are hot. They are confident. Arrogant even. Aware of their power and their attraction. They're like beautiful women. They have what people want.

And then of course they overstep. They over inflate their own importance and attraction. They think everyone wants them. They are too arrogant at the wrong time with the wrong people. They push too hard.

Which is why so many of them get into trouble.

Politicians. Sigh. Do they think people aren't going to check?

Yes that girl in your background that you groped or harassed (yes it's harassment) or had an affair with. Yes she is probably going to talk to the press. Why on earth wouldn't she?

And if it's a boy or a man you've been messing with. Get real. It's going to be front page news.

We can all think of so many famous men who've been messed up by women. On both sides of American politics, on both sides of the Atlantic.

In many cases it seems to matter less in Europe, to be more accepted there, but ask French politician Dominique Strauss-Kahn and he'd tell you that it was stupid. Yep. I think he's right. Moreover, the recently released book on him says he believes he was set up. Hmmm, if you are a good candidate for that kind of thing maybe you'd be better off keeping your pecker in your pants?

I think if you want to be a politician you have to only ever have sex with your wife. And she has to want it. And it probably has to be pretty tame. I don't think the North American world is ready to know that our politicians are kinky. Do you?

Maybe we should just elect women? It's a rare woman who is caught in a sex scandal. No, I'm not saying none, but we'd be more surprised at Hillary than we were at Bill. And we were pretty surprised at Bill. Political women don't seem to cheat. I think they are less intoxicated by the power then men. Or that somehow it doesn't turn them on sexually. Or something. I read somewhere that women enter politics to help people, men go into it for the power.

Okay. So what about Obama? He's odd in a different way. Different from all the rest of his genre. I doubt he cheats. He likely isn't allowed. Don't you think it odd though, how asexual he seems? And did he ever have girlfriends or drinking buddies like normal people? Or maybe rumours that there was never a girlfriend before he met Michelle at 29 are just the natural next step after birther rumours? He is so darn clean he makes me wonder. I guess he did/does(?) smoke.

I'm not sure why we care about their sexuality, but we sure seem to. And if we aren't convinced by the first hints of scandal, it does influence the way we think about them.

All of which makes me wonder why anyone would ever subject their lives to that kind of scrutiny.

Maybe it's cause men in power positions are hot?

Devotions

He's away.

Sigh.

And he left me some tasks so that I'd feel connected to him.

Actually it's a daily devotion involving pain.

Which works some days and doesn't really work on others.

What I mean by that is that some days I do feel devoted, connected to him.

Other days I just try to.

I write up what I feel and send it to him. And he freakin loves it.

That helps enormously. That he loves it. I freakin love that.