A Pain Pleaser

He calls me his pain slut.

I'm a masochist. 

But it matters how he takes my pain. A masochist doesn't just love any kind of pain. And I don't think a sadist does either. It's really dependent on how it's set up.

Let me explain. My favourite kind of pain is sexual, and it enhances the pleasure, the sex, the power between us, and it creates a strong bond there as well.


And he's there with me, living the moment with me, either in person or by some kind of electronic simulation, by webcam or chat or phone. So he knows, in the moment how I'm reacting, and I know how he is. I think of the give and take of that act as a power flow.

Sometimes it's intimate, sometimes it's insanely hot. And sometimes that same pain can be horrible instead.

Last weekend I asked if I could masturbate and cum. He said "yes but, there are rules". Well I like rules, so I was game. He said I could masturbate and cum but had to wear the clover clamps for at least 30 minutes before I came, and had to still be wearing them when I came. And only one orgasm." But whether I chose to do it or not was entirely up to me.

So I did choose to do it. I wanted to cum. And I knew he'd like that I did it. And I thought too that there was a hint of threat in what he said about how optional it was, since I had passed on something the day before. If I pass on too many he's likely to make me regret it.

I knew it would hurt though. 30 minutes with the clover clamps. Without him there. Those fuckers hurt.

But I could read smut. I could masturbate. I could have toys. Whatever I wanted, it just had to be 30 minutes with the clamps on before I came.
 
So I set it up. Some porn, my vibe, the clamps. As soon as I put the clamps on I was smashed by the pain of them. Within 3 minutes I was regretting, wanting them off, watching the clock. The time was endless.

And yet when I started to touch with my vibe, I was so turned on, I was on the very edge of cumming. I had to stop, to scale back.That's the pain slut part. He gets me. This does turn me on. And yet, it's so different without him there, drinking in all the pain and power.

I was worried I'd cum right away, which was not what I was supposed to do. He's very precise with instructions. He didn't mean cum any time you want, he meant cum after 30 minutes wearing the clamps. So I scaled back, read some more, touched some more. Edged again.

It was crazy. Dancing with danger on the edge of orgasm. If I'd cum he'd have been furious. But I needed, wanted the pleasure to counter the pain.

Dancing with disaster more like.

By the end I was wondering if I was crazy. The pain was so intense I was almost in tears. And yes, I had expected pain but this was horrible. 30 minutes of horrible. Because he told me to. Because he wanted it. And yet it was more horrible because he wasn't there to see it, share it, drink it in. He wasn't getting anything from all my suffering.

We've talked about it a bit since. It brings up all kinds of emotions.

But one of the conversations was about how he knew the pain would be bad. I think he was more aware of that than I was until I did it. Though I do get that clamps hurt. They're supposed to, right?

I said to him, a bit shocked at myself, that if I had it to do over again I would choose not to. He laughed a bit and said "if I gave it to you again, I wouldn't give you a choice." Fucker.

And then we talked about how much I love to please him, and how wonderful that is for both of us. I'm SO not that kind of pleaser in most of my life.

Then he said what if it was 45 minutes? I said then I'd choose not to do it. And he said what if he didn't give me a choice. I wasn't sure what he was getting at. If he said to do it, and didn't give me an option, then of course I'd do it and just focus on survival right?

We talked about negotiating, about how it might be better or worse.

But then it occurred to me, that if he set it up right, he could make me choose it. If he set it up so that I knew it was important to him, so that I knew he really valued it, so that I knew he really wanted it, I'd do it gladly. If instead of saying, "you can masturbate and cum if you follow these rules," he was to say "you don't have to but if you do this for me I will adore you," I would drop to my knees to offer it to him.

And it sounds crazy, sounds like suck up, but it's true. If I knew that it pleased him, really pleased him, in an important way, I'd do it. Voluntarily. The same scenario that I hated so much at 30 minutes, I would voluntarily accept at 45 minutes, still without him there with me, if I knew I would really please him by doing so. And hope that it would carry me some of the way into his 45 minutes of pain.


Discerning Dom says, "I talked to her, intensely, focusing on her sensations and what I wanted from her. I told her how much I valued her pain. I said, the more you are hurting the more you are pleasing me. I want you to offer me more and more of your pain, I want you to push yourself to give me as much as you can. Do not hold back; your pain is my pleasure, and thus your pleasure too."

Discerning Dom gets it. He gets girls like me.