He points out that when I am unhappy (especially when I am unhappy with him) I don't post here very much. I used to. Or so he says. So if I went back and reread old entries I might find angry bitter posts, haranguing him. Maybe.
And now I don't do that. I post filler things. Things that appeal to me in some way, things that I like or think are funny or that speak to me or for me in some way. But that aren't me, that don't reveal too much of the inner me.
Because I hate offering up the inner me when she's troubled. I want things tidy and happy here. More for me than for you I think.
So that's what I've been doing.
He and I have been struggling lately. The pressures are external, but enough pressure becomes a factor eventually no matter where it originates.
As you'll recall, our relationship is mostly online. We both have real life, long term live-in relationships as well. I won't say "real relationships" because my relationship with him is very real thank you very much.
But we juggle these other more vanilla relationships too.
Do our partners know? Yeah, they know, and maybe know too much. And that's where the problem lies in this case.
He's struggling to keep me despite pressure at home to give me up. He doesn't want to give me up. So that last part is good, right?
I'm struggling to be a good sport about it. To understand the pressure he is under and to try to wait it out. I don't want him to give me up.
He doesn't want to lose his other relationship either and I do understand that.
And that's where we are, and have been for several months now.
We seem to be on a bit of a roller coaster ride with this. Up and down and around. Things have been sad, scary, passionate.
Right now they are pretty good. I hope.