He points out that when I am unhappy (especially when I am unhappy with him) I don't post here very much. I used to. Or so he says. So if I went back and reread old entries I might find angry bitter posts, haranguing him. Maybe.
And now I don't do that. I post filler things. Things that appeal to me in some way, things that I like or think are funny or that speak to me or for me in some way. But that aren't me, that don't reveal too much of the inner me.
Because I hate offering up the inner me when she's troubled. I want things tidy and happy here. More for me than for you I think.
So that's what I've been doing.
Posting filler.
He and I have been struggling lately. The pressures are external, but enough pressure becomes a factor eventually no matter where it originates.
As you'll recall, our relationship is mostly online. We both have real life, long term live-in relationships as well. I won't say "real relationships" because my relationship with him is very real thank you very much.
But we juggle these other more vanilla relationships too.
Do our partners know? Yeah, they know, and maybe know too much. And that's where the problem lies in this case.
He's struggling to keep me despite pressure at home to give me up. He doesn't want to give me up. So that last part is good, right?
I'm struggling to be a good sport about it. To understand the pressure he is under and to try to wait it out. I don't want him to give me up.
He doesn't want to lose his other relationship either and I do understand that.
And that's where we are, and have been for several months now.
We seem to be on a bit of a roller coaster ride with this. Up and down and around. Things have been sad, scary, passionate.
Right now they are pretty good. I hope.
-sin
Hi Sin
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry to hear this. Thats the thing isn't it, we want it all. Often we join with our real time reltionships before we really discover who or what we are and who and what we need. So the wonderful internet..we go online. I have been following quietly for some time and am always interested in the back story..how it all hangs together and how it works. Which helps ground my own situation. I appreciate you have shared this..so what right, i'm words on a screen, but i do appreciate it, even though you exposed the inner you which you don't like to do. Good luck..good luck to you all. May everyone get what they need.
tough times
ReplyDeletebut I get not wanting to post that stuff
I've written piles of unposted posts about doubts
they're your feelings
and for me
sometimes I just can't face the peanut gallery when things are tough
hugs
sfp
I'd love to be able to sit down next to you, cuddle up, with a cup of tea or a margarita, and talk. Since I can't, I'll offer internet hugs.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you don't post at all, some of us get all worried. i appreciate the filler. :-) At least i know you're still with us.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry you're having a hard time. i hope it turns out to be part of the path to something better, somehow. i'm with LM, wishing we could sit down together. i'm thinking tea or wine. But maybe a fancy coffee. With frothy milk. You tell me.
hug,
aisha
I am sorry that it is so difficult. I know what it is to try to maintain in the face of pressures and strains -- and to maintain over a long time is painful and exhausting... You've been a good friend through my and our struggles. I hope things ease up for the two of you -- and soon.
ReplyDeletehugs,
swan
Hard.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the hard times.
{{{sin}}}
and for {Mos} too.
hugs from here, sin.
ReplyDeletekk
I hope things get better soon.
ReplyDelete