The thing is, I need the need. I need the feeling of sex stealing over me, taking over my body, my brain, where I know I can let it and just go with it because I have to, because I want to, because I'm safe with him.
I need the sensations of sex and submission and masochism that wrap around each other inside me.
I need to want to please him.
I need to feel he desires me.
I need to feel he knows me, deep down to the bone, and gets me, and wants me anyway. I need to trust in that.
I need ... the need.
There hasn't been that much need lately. Lately there has been friendship, accommodation, workarounds. We're good at being friends, at listening, we've done that for each other for a long time. That's crucial to us, to our long term relationship health, but its not that fiery passion, that thing that makes us "the one" for the other.
And when there isn't I kind of back away from it a bit. Not necessarily intentionally, though I do that sometimes too, but just forgetting the physicality of it, the way it feels inside me, to want, to crave, to need.
Today it was there, and damn it's good when it's there.
It's fast and it's so perfect. And it does feel like I don't even care if I cum, just being in the moment is sufficient. Sounds like yoga doesn't it?
But it's true. I like there, spread out, sexed, needing. Realizing I don't care if I cum, I just want this, this thing, this moment. I want this feeling in my body, the swelling, the ache. The drive to rock into it, to feel his hands, his hurt.
I want him to cum. I need him to want me. But whether I cum or not, that's so secondary at that moment.
And he gets it, he says to me "you need the need" and I realize that he sees it more clearly than I do, sees inside me more clearly sometimes than I see myself.
He sees that I need it. This feeling. This moment. Him. Us. That this desire is really what I crave, and can't do without.
He needs it too.