Aisha Asked...

What's my favourite BDSM activity or concept?

The concept is power I think. It's exciting, it just gets me hot. Sometimes, when he orders, demands, whatever, it's like there are live wires between us. There's a flare of heat, and it's the most exciting thing ever. He says, and I do. But I love when he says it. It takes me/Us from 0 to 60 in seconds. And it's both of us, caught up in a sudden sweep of power, because it's rare that it would affect one of us and not the other.

My favourite activity? How about cuddling afterward? Umm, actually, while I love that, wouldn't miss the during for the world. My favourite thing is probably slow sexual pain, where he alternates sex with pain, layering them on, a little of one, a little of the other, at his discretion. For us, it's usually nipple pain. It's controlled, steady, few sudden movements, just a slow build. Is there a name for this? We refer to it as the pain/pleasure cocktail; he mixes it as he chooses and I drink what he mixes.

There, question month, short and sweet....?

Actually it was fun. If you have more, I'd answer. Probably.

-sin

Questions

Nilla asks me this in the comments on the last post: 

So one wonders...how did you break your foot? If you feel like answering.

And how was your vacation? Any memorable highlights?

And which is better....pain right away followed by an orgasm? Or a bunch of fast orgasms followed by pain? Why?

If you had to choose ...the shoe drop or big blackie in the tookas?

It's still question month !(aren't you glad I stopped by today? LOL!)

Funny. Actually I wasn't playing in the March Question Game. Because one time it resulted in questions I wasn't comfortable answering... but ... here goes, just cause I like to please as you know:

 1. How did I break my foot? I broke it falling down the stairs. It's more complicated than that, because I was carrying stuff and dropped it and stepped on it, thinking I was at the bottom, but I wasn't quite, so I surfed the rest of the way down and did this spectacular flip around my ankle and there it was broken. I felt it break. It snapped a bit like a chicken bone. I screamed "fuck, oh fuck" as one does. And then I put ice on it. And then I thought it was maybe just a sprain. That's what I wanted it to be. But as I found myself crawling to the bathroom the next morning I realized it was probably more than that. So it's a break in the little bone that leads to the baby toe. Air cast for 6 weeks. Sigh.
 
2. Memorable highlights of my vacation. Nice time with my family. I really did enjoy all of them. Well, mostly, there's a couple of teenagers in there, so it's hard to enjoy them all the time, right? Sun and fun and relaxation. Some dancing. Some sightseeing. Oh. And I had butterbeer. That stuff rocks.

3. And which is better....pain right away followed by an orgasm? Or a bunch of fast orgasms followed by pain? Why? Pain followed by an orgasm is better. Why? Because I don't think I've ever had the other, lots of fast orgasms followed by pain. What I mostly get from him is lots of pain, an orgasm in the middle and a bit more stronger more intense pain. It could probably stand a longer answer, but I love the intensity of sex and pain together. That's the stuff addictions are made of.

4. If you had to choose ...the shoe drop or big blackie in the tookas? Okay, Nilla, let's back up just a little. The prissy part of me, and oh yes there is one as you well know, insists I would never write tookas. And if I did I would spell it tuchas I think. With a phlegmy sound for the ch. I probably wouldn't say it either. Okay. Sorry.

So let's define the question a little for those readers who might not have read every word I've ever written, some of it years back. I think the question is would I rather relive one scene or another.

The first is the shoe drop which is a pair of running shoes attached to a pair of clover clamps attached to my nipples and then dropped from a height. Excruciatingly painful.

The second is a ponygirl scene with my ass filled with my black butt plug which comes with a long horse tail attached for pony play and general humiliation. And then, because humiliation is better when shared, he shows me on webcam to someone I like and am trying to impress. Worse, it's another girl. Enormously humiliating.

Answer, I'd way rather have the butt plug.  It was embarrassing, so embarrassing, and I felt at the time that it set up an imbalance in our relationship and I still blush thinking about it. But the shoes were just awful. I don't want to go there again. Which just goes to show we are all different huh?

I would be happy to lend Big Bad to anyone for either or both of these activities though, I'm sure I can persuade him to step up and share his talents. He is pressed for time, but I'm sure he would clear his schedule to fit it in. Right Sir? Just comment here or send me an email if you are interested. No fair volunteering each other now.

I should probably add that there was an orgasm with each of these. But wow, talk about the hard way of getting there!

5. It's still question month ! Aren't you glad I stopped by today? LOL! I am glad Nilla - I was in a bit of a funk and needed the smile. Thanks. Should I ask if anyone else has questions now that time is running out?

-sin

And Now

And now I feel thin skinned and wounded and sad.

Gosh what a mess I am sometimes.

Oh, and do you suppose I have PMS too?

Yeah, probably.

Fuck.

Some Days

Big Bad Dom is having trouble finding time for me.

No, I don't think he's looking to dump me.

He's got other calls on his time that make it almost impossible for him to squeeze me in though.

My response?

Varies by the day unfortunately (sometimes by the hour).

Some days I'm understanding.

Some days I want to rush to sex, because I need that from him, and I'm afraid it will get torn away from me, from us, before we get it. 

Some days I'm sulky and childish.

Some days I'm pragmatic, making the best of things, seeing the glass as half full. Or trying to. 

Some days I am jealous of his time, watching how he spends his minutes. As if I get to decide whether the allocation is worthy.

Some days I'm sweet, loving, wanting to cheer him up. Knowing that if I am adoring I can break through the walls of misery around him and brighten his day.

Some days I feel like it will go on forever. And then I'm so sad, feeling like my relationship is disintegrating.

Some days I try to focus on knowing how long we've lasted, how important we are to each other.

Today... has been most of those days.

But right now I'm at sweet...

I Should Make Better Notes

Cause sometimes I think of all kinds of things I want to post about. And they're interesting, really...

And then something crappy happens and all I can think of is that.

And yeah, I'm tired and my foot hurts, so here's another blue post...

Sorry...

I Want It So Much

I want it so much I can't think of anything else. I'm focused on the need in my body, my mind. Connection, fulfillment.

Oh I do need it.

I feel the parts of myself, swollen, tingling, needy.

I want to cum. I want pain. I want connection.

I want Him.

He makes me want this so that he can play around with it, do as he wants with me.

Knowing that as soon as he lets me I will lie down and spread myself wide, begging him to take me, use me, do me.

What will tomorrow be?

Pain? Sex? Humiliation? Maybe nothing at all?

Please. Not nothing at all.

I want it so much I can't think of anything else...

What Do You See?

I love this - makes you think doesn't it? 

It's decoding something in a different way. Recognizing a patter or system and then applying it.

How many do you get? I have 7, but not the 8th... 

Need a hint? 

I think this is the original creator http://www.facebook.com/peter.may.dk.eu

Good Girl

On his way out the door he tells me to be a good girl.

Sigh...

Like I could be anything else today?

Like I'm ever anything else?

I'm obedient. I don't mess around. I don't even talk to other men without his explicit permission. Usually at his specific command.

And today I'm home, in sweat pants and t-shirt with a cast on my foot. Stranded on the couch. Could I be anything but good?

But it's not just today I realize. I'm dull. I used to be fun, pretty, witty. Party girl. Other men used to want me. I'm sure that made me more appealing. I've lost my flirt I think.

I know he likes having me under control, likes controlling all of me, and that definitely includes my sexuality. But didn't he find me more interesting when I wasn't so controlled and predictable?

Lessoning?

I bet you're all wondering what happened with those birthday clothespins. Not a damn thing. They are still sealed in their little plastic bags.

He decided that there would be no clamps or clips or nipples toys in the game he played with me. Not 56 of them. Not 2. Not a single one.

As we started and he told me what toys to assemble he made the observation that this wasn't what I had asked for, or rather what I had hinted at. What's that I asked. Pain. He heard me ask for pain. I didn't get it.

What I got was ass play.

He had me on my hands and knees on the floor in front of him. Or sometimes on my face and knees. Hardwood floor with a towel spread out to give my knees a bit of a break but not enough padding in my opinion. If anyone's asking me. 

He had me kneel facing away from him, positioning myself so that he's looking right at my holes. And then reach back and spread my cheeks, opening myself further. It makes me feel like he can see right up inside me. Like he's looking at my colon. It does NOT feel attractive.

What it feels is open, available, vulnerable, humbled, obedient and submissive. It's not very sexual. This isn't about sexy or pretty, and oh I long to be those things. This is about his power to arrange me that way and spend the day examining my asshole if he chooses.

It's really about his power to choose. 

So he puts my head down on the floor and just stares at my asshole for a while. And briefly, as I listened to him, it occurred to me that he might jerk off looking at my ass and leave me wanting as he did the last time he had me. Not the ass part, but the denial part. There's power there too, right?

It's about obedience sometimes. About submission to what he wants. Him being happy and pleased with me is the best way for me to get what I want or need. 

He puts my head on the floor, my ass in the air and stares at my asshole for several minutes.

And he has me play with my tits roughly for several minutes while he reads me a dirty story that another girl wrote for him.

In the story she tells him about how she played with her tits, pulling them out and then straight up, about the nipples changing colour, from pink to red as she played. Then she clamps her nipples, tweezer clamps, yes he does like clamps doesn't he, but not for me, not for today. She tells about the pain, how it felt, how she needed it. How she wasn't sure it would be "enough".

And then he has me get body lotion and spread it on my hands and on my ass with particular attention to my asshole. He wants some on my pussy too, but I'm not to play with it he says. But just spread it on my ass and asshole and pussy. So I spread it around, massaging it in. It burns a tiny bit on my asshole and I worry that it's going to hurt, to be awful, but it's a micro-burn. Really it's fine.

It's awkward though, reaching around from my position to massage the lotion into my ass. He loves awkward. He freakin loves the struggle he creates for me, whether physical or mental, he loves watching me struggle to obey his orders.

 So after that part is over he tells me that I'm to put my head down , ass still up in the air, knees apart (and hurting) and reach back and pull my ass cheeks apart so he can get a better look at my holes. I'm to do it for 30 seconds, while he times me, then rest for 10 seconds, then start again for 30 seconds. Repeated 5 times.

I start when he tells me and immediately it's apparent that this is a fools task. My hands and my ass are slippery and I can't get a good grip and I'm off balance and I have to keep re-gripping my ass. I tell him that my hands are slippery and he says he knew they would be and then he says that's why he had me apply the lotion. Yeah, imagine that, he wants to watch me struggle with it.

By the end of the first 30 seconds I feel like it has been 5 minutes. If it was anyone but him I'd think they had timed it wrong either on purpose or accidentally, but he wouldn't. So I know it was really 30 seconds though it felt longer and I'm exhausted. I lay my head to the side and rested and waited for the next session. I try moving my head a different way this time, as its the third leg of the tripod he makes me into as he has me use my arms to open up my ass for his entertainment. The new position does not help.

By the time we get to the third session I am wondering what he would do if I begged him to stop. Whether there is any possible request that could make him change his plan and not do the last part of what he has planned. I decide not.

He asks me at some point if it's sexual at all. No sir, it's not.

So we get to the end of the 5 30 second sessions. I'm exhausted.

I think he reads me a bit more of the story at that point. She's in the shower now, still with the tweezer clamps on her nipples. I've done that, showered with clamps, and it hurts I think, but no nipple pain for me today, he's made that clear, the closest I will get is her story. She talks about how it hurts as the water hits them and then she adjusts the shower head to play with herself in the shower, but she still wants more pain so she aims the water at her tits. Yeah, that's enough pain now. For her.

For me, it's back to my asshole. He has me put more lotion on my hands and from there onto my asshole. He tells me to slide my fingers into my hole as he watches and then my thumb. They go in easily. He's pleased.

And then he has me take the big butt plug (it took me ages to find it, it's not a favourite toy and he doesn't use it often but he wouldn't have been impressed if I returned from the search empty handed) and slide it into my asshole. no lube, just the lotioned asshole I have prepared. It hurts but I have 60 seconds to get it in and I make it under the deadline.

That turns him on so he had me take it out again and fuck myself in the ass with the plug for several minutes, pushing it in and out of my asshole for him. Which hurt more of course and I was probably whimpering by the time he was done with that.

He talked to me about how it wasn't about me liking it, it was about him liking it. Yeah, I got that Sir.

And then he gave me a bit more of the story. She's still in the shower. And she makes herself cum using the showerhead. The story is sexual, sensual, full of need and submission, pain and pleasure. I'd prefer that to what he's doing with me, and I assume that's the point of him juxtaposing the two things, her story and my session. It's not a punishment, but it might be a lesson about being so explicit about asking for pain. It might be a lesson on me getting what he wants me to have, rather than what I want. It might simply be him making the point that he has another girl and can afford to just humiliate me.

He allows me to use my vibe then, to touch myself, my pussy lips which are in his full view, and my clit, too briefly, and then to pus the vibe inside my cunt, which is really hard as I'm full from behind with the plug and the positioning is all wrong and I'm off balance.  He cums while he watches me. It's probably the struggle that gets him off that time. Watching just how graceless and available and vulnerable he has made me. I wonder again if he will deny me. I hope not, but I've learned to accept what he gives.

I listen to him cum and I want to cum too. And he allows it, taking the vibe from my cunt and letting me play with my clit til I cum. It takes about 30 seconds. I cum so hard that I worry about shooting the butt plug out of my ass and across the room. It doesn't really happen. I guess it's wedged in there pretty tightly. But I'm oh too aware of him staring straight at my cunt and asshole as I cum. That does not enhance my enjoyment of the event.

He let me lie there, on the cool floor and recover for several minutes before making me move. I thank him nicely for the orgasm and for letting me lie there.

So she came, he came, I came.

Happy ending right?

And then he asked me if I'd rather post this on my blog or write it up just for her. Suddenly I had this vision of him doing her the next time with my story as a prop.

I feel like this post is full of questions. Why he did what he did, why he made the choices he did. What he wanted from me, how he wanted me to react.

Gifting

It was his birthday recently. I gave him several things.

Actually it's always a challenge to think of birthday presents for him for several reasons. One is that we are mostly online. So... a thing is hard to give. And I wouldn't see him wear it or use it or consume it.

So one has to be creative.

This year I gave him his age in clothespins. I had to buy 2 packs. That's a lot of clothespins. Actually it was kind of dumb of me to buy two packages since I still have some survivors from the first package he tasked me to buy in the very first conversation we ever had.

Which seemed clever and creative and a little bit out of the box until he asked me how I felt about having 56 clothespins attached to my naked flesh.

Umm.

Well of course I knew that's what they'd be for. I'm not an idiot.

Except that I'd imagined the gifting, his pleasure at the gift, the creativity of it. No ones ever given him 56 clothespins before. I'm pretty sure. If I lived with him I'd have hidden them like an Easter egg hunt.

How do I feel about them on my body? Actually, now that you mention it, a little anxious.

It's sexual of course. Anticipating that kind of pain. And the reason I thought of them as a gift was that I was thinking of that package that he sent me to buy years ago but then didn't use on me for years. I reminded him several times before he finally did.There was a lot of sexual tension and anxiety wound up in that first package. Though he did finally use several of them on me over time. But not til I had asked and reminded him more than once. Seems like I'm more interested in them than he is doesn't it?

So I'm anticipating in a sexual way. But... yeah. Anxious too.

Rant

Trying to hit the ground running this week.

Work is crazy. I knew it would be, but still...

I will need to cancel a course I was supposed to go on next week, as I have a big project that's supposed to end and staff that can't tie up all the loose ends without me. Yeah, yeah, you'll say I need to give them authority and trust them and they'll be fine. But the fact is that they are all really junior and they won't be unless I am there. So... the course has to go.

I submitted a book review to a journal about a month ago. It was returned to me with the comment that it wasn't acceptable, didn't meet their standards and would take so much reworking that they didn't feel it was worth redoing (on their part presumably). I was surprised and shocked and disappointed and frankly I was pissed off too. My writing might not be to everyone's taste and there are always elements of any written product that someone could criticize, but I hit the basic requirements and am really annoyed that there was no other feedback. So I'm taking some time to let things percolate so I don't just write back and say "hey fuck you bitch". I do want the critical feedback so I'm going to ask for it. Nicely but firmly. I guess we'll see how that goes.

What else? Oh all the HR staffing issues.

And it's spring all of a sudden and I have to move my snow tires.

And I had to get up an hour early this morning to drive kids around.

And some people are not pulling their share. I'm just sayin. 

And I have a meeting I'm late for.  So I gotta go.

And seriously? Where does she get off saying it's not worth reworking? Huh. 

Update

So I'm back... nice vacation. Nice to be home.

I missed you all. Even you lurkers who just come to my blog to whack off. Okay, maybe there aren't really any of those. I guess I don't really have that kind of blog do I, even if it is a sex blog?

Back to work today. I can't begin to tell you how much I don't feel like going back to work.

I came home yesterday, checked for comments here, then thought about reading other blogs. I don't even know where to start.  I'm 10 days behind of everyone's life.

But I do know that Wordpress wants me to be signed in before it lets me comment. Sigh. Freakin thing. I don't wannna....

Can't Buy Happiness

They say you can't buy happiness...

... don'tcha think?

Diet?

This makes me think...

A Love Letter to My Dom

I love you so much.

I love you because you changed my life.

I love you because you are unashamedly bossy and controlling and it fits so well with me.

I love you because you are the sexiest man I've ever known.

I love you because you taught me how to submit. I wanted to before you, but I had no idea how...

I love you as my Daddy, my Dom, my Master.

My addiction, my obsession.

My lover, my love.

Mine.

Maybe I'll say it in bigger letters for all the world to see. MINE.

I love you.

Yours.

Gone Fishing...

Hi all,

I'm going away on vacation. I'm already sort of gone.

Usually when I go, I try to leave at least a little bit of stuff to fill in while I'm gone.

This time I have been swamped.

Too many other calls on my time, and not enough attention to blog.

So nothing for the next week ago.

Think of me resting, relaxing.

Beaches and margaritas.

Back in a week.

He Watches

He watches me on webcam. It's one of my rules, to leave the webcam on when I'm home alone. So that he can watch.

i think that a thousand years ago, when he implemented the rule, it was so that he could catch me doing things I shouldn't be doing. Or at least partly.

And partly just to have the power and the pleasure of watching me.

He still does that.

Watches.

It's not creepy. Not for me anyway.

It's possessive. Controlling. It's definitely those things. 

Sometimes it's annoying. It can be a bone of contention. Mostly when he says, "why didn't you have it on? What about your rule?" when I've forgotten or (gasp) decided not to put it on.

Sometimes when I see it, it makes me smile. Makes me feel loved, treasured. Adored even. Don't tell him ok?

Sometimes I notice that he's watching or... if not watching that he has been. Of course I can't tell if he's there, watching quietly or if he just turned it on and went away. 

I don't know. Information is power. He has it, and I don't. I guess that's the point, isn't it?

 I admit that I'm an exhibitionist, though it's really not about that in this case. It's just about giving him access, and him taking it as he wishes.

That control is so much a part of us, I often don't even think about it but I love that he wants that.

I like him controlling. I even like him possessive. Good thing eh?

It Started Small

It wouldn't be me, not the real me, if I just shut up and swallowed all the time.

You may be like that. Maybe that makes you more submissive than me.

When stuff bugs me I do swallow sometimes. I'm a grown up. We learn to deal with stuff, not to fight everything, to try to pick our battles.

Yesterday, in the midst of the shitstorm that my life suddenly turned into (and yeah, I get that none of my problems were huge), I had a nasty little interchange with my Dom.

It started small and blew up from there.

I said my bit last night. Told him what was wrong. I think he thinks he gets what was wrong and thinks it ridiculous. I think he has no understanding of what my issue was in the first place.

It was a nasty pissy little fight.

Not surprising after the day I had.

So... now?

I wish it hadn't happened.

I want to turn back time.

Though I damn sure don't want to relive yesterday.

Today has to be better, right?

Life

Wow, what a fucking day.

I was on a course. I had my computer with me though. And every time I'd look at my email there were literally 30 emails. All bad, stupid, frustrating emails.

Arggg.

I freakin hate my human resources people. It's like they are put there as a fucking challenge. It's like a damn obstacle course, getting through the damn thing. I ask for advice, they provide it, I act on it, and then later, sometimes months later, they all run around saying I should have done something different. Fuckers.

And then... some ass-hat emails the world to say "we have a problem, can someone resolve this?" Yes, I can goddamn well resolve it, if you just give me half a fucking chance.

But of course it's because I am going away on vacation. So I won't have time to do more than start to resolve the issues, and by the time I come back there will be 1000 emails about it. 

And I took my car to get lubed, and tuned up, spent $350 and now one of my warning lights in on that wasn't before. They suggest I take it to the dealership. Which is peachy. Except that I don't have time. Because I am going away. Which is why I took the car for the tune up.

Oh and my kid found something in the boots he found in the garage to replace his boots that fell apart. And dumped mouse shit pellets all over my front hall. 

And yes, there's more.

Grrr.

Vulnerable

Yesterday morning he assigned a task. Masturbation with a little hit of pain.

That's rare for him, for us. Usually it's all or nothing, lots of pain or none at all. And usually he likes to be there to watch it. To monitor it in case I get into trouble and to watch it and groove on it.

So I wondered why he wanted what he wanted this time.

I'll tell you later he said.

And last night he did tell.

"It was to make you vulnerable," he said. "Pain makes you vulnerable, opens you.  I wanted that."

Whoa.

Is that what it's always about I ask him. Feeling poised, on the knife edge of a revelation.

He's right. It does make me vulnerable. It's a power shifter. It opens me to him.

No, not always. Sometimes I just like hurting you. Oh yeah, there's some just plain sadist in there too.

I Hate Watching

I hate watching someone else get in trouble.

I just do.

It makes me want to rescue them, to lift them up, to make them happy again.

I know everyone goes through low points sometimes, that's life isn't it? But when someone is "in trouble" or being lectured or punished... I hate that.

I'm a rescuer, a champion of the underdog. A do-gooder. I'd make a terrible Domme.

Last night Big Bad was lessoning (I think that's the right word) a sub. He was, as she points out, using me to make it worse. He uses me as part of the humiliation, by having me witness the dressing down. And he also uses me as an example of how "good" I am. Both parts of that are icky.

I think I was as uncomfortable as she was. I wanted to pull the fire alarm just to create a diversion.

So, why does he do it? I guess it's part of the lesson for her. And it's a warning for me. And just because he likes being able to?

Something New

Once upon a time, in a dark chatroom dungeon, I met my Dom.

Yeah, I know, you've heard this before.

He was ... so fucking scary.

And so fucking attractive.

I was hooked, right away.

He was terrifying and wonderful and exciting and I couldn't believe he was interested in me.

We talked about our interests, our experience. He gave me a task, to go out and buy a package of clothespins. I was giddy with him, breathless, beside myself.

I couldn't get enough of him. 

I'm full of big words, big ideas here, it probably sounds like exaggeration, but in fact it was simply infatuation. I was enthralled, seduced, romanced and hooked.

He was the biggest, baddest, scariest, most exciting and attractive man I had ever met. 

He wasn't the first man I had talked to online, as I explored what intrigued me. He wasn't the first Dom either. And I talked to other Doms after I met him, messed around with other Doms. Until he insisted I stop (that's not really the way that happened, but it's close enough for today's story, and if I haven't written about it in another entry, remind me and I will).

So while those of you who read here know that he sometimes (often?) has other girls, I don't have other Doms.

Except that lately, he's been chatting with a couple of guys, looking for diversity there.

I don't really what he has in mind, but he's had me email a couple of Doms, to introduce myself. And I chatted briefly with one this morning.

So ummm... Did he make my heart beat faster? I dunno. Maybe a tiny bit in places. Did he make me anxious? Yessssss. Did he turn me on? A bit. Did I recoil in shock when he called me "cuntmeat"? Yep, you gotta know it did. And horror too. I admit it. I think that if you are hooked they can call you whatever, and maybe the dirtier the better, but... until then... ummm.

Big Bad asks if I feel like he is whoring me out. Yeah, kind of. He asks if it makes me feel less special. I don't know. Maybe not. I don't think he is ready to dump me and move on. But I do wonder where the hell he's going with it. It worries me a bit, both in terms of my own comfort with wherever this goes and with his.

And am I more comfortable when we are playing with other subs? You betcha.