And We're Back

Well that was a short vacation.

Or a big misunderstanding.

Or a ...

Okay it was a huge fight.

"Such turbulence," Nilla says, shaking her head, with a hint of ... is it disapproval?

Yeah.

Turbulence is one word. Or passionate. Or obstinate. Or stubborn.

Or both of us always determined we are absolutely right all the time.

I could tell you what the fight was about. But then you'd all be on my side. I'm sure. And there aren't supposed to be sides. Right?

Right?

We aren't all the way back to where we were. It was a huge fight. But I think it will be okay eventually. Thanks.

-sin

Hiatus

He and I are on hiatus. Or maybe we are done.

For more info you can ask him.

Guns and Roses

Okay... let's just imagine the story that goes with this photo?

 

I feel like I should have a tag for "very miscellaneous". 

Brain Clutter

Sorry. I've tried 3 times to write stuff and it's all crap today.

I spent the day (and most of the past 2 weeks) writing stuff at the office. It's pretty good, but I think I'm out of writing.

Sigh.

And I'm tired.

Fed up with not being able to exercise. Stupid broken foot.

Fed up with immobility.

My job is sucking.

My family life is full of end of school year mommy things. Everything ending, special event for each activity, and I have to provide a present for the teacher, coach, leader, etc. Gift cards for the book store for everyone!

I think there's too much clutter in my life. I can't write big thoughty blog things when there's all this clutter in my brain.

Yeah, sorry, that's all I've got. Hmmm, maybe I have something funny in my photos? Yep...

Yep, that's fantastic!

Memories

Memorial Day, and the beginning of summer. When we were little, I grew up in a military family, so we'd decorate our bikes with red, white and blue for the first of our summer parades. Once they were finished we'd drive them around the block several times, escorting the walkers and musicians with pots, pans and harmonica and a ukulele. 

We sang America the Beautiful and the Star Spangled Banner and other appropriate songs at the top of our lungs.

After the parade we'd go to the base for a picnic with races and prizes.

Food? Honestly I don't remember food.

Just friends and fun and those prizes. There was this little bead loom... best prize ever!

Happy Memorial Day to my American friends.

Clarification

I feel like I should clarify a couple of things.

1. I'm married too, and pretty happily married, so I don't really spend too much time pining for anything.

2. As Aisha points out, it usually works okay for me. I was just kind of blue.

3. He's responded in a way that makes me not feel left out at all anymore.

-sin

Feeling Left Out

One of the things I don't talk much about here is that he's married.Okay, not technically married, but he's lived with the same woman since ... I dunno... 1870?

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about "cheating" or the fact that I'm the other woman, but I am.

Which means that sometimes I get left out. Holidays and birthdays and special occasions and day to day stuff.

And as a cheater, I just have to learn to accept that.

But sometimes it wounds me. Sometimes it just plain sucks.

He doesn't make me feel that way on purpose. I know he doesn't do it to create a distance between us, but it sure does do that. 

This past week, it seems like every time we talk he's talking about some cozy thing they've done together, or are planning to do together.

It's the cosiness of the mundane in some cases, we ate this, we went there, we're going to church. It's the romantic couple-ness of it in other cases. We did this on our vacation, this is our dream retirement, we're thinking of buying a condo.

It's just that they are a couple and we... aren't. Or we are, but not in the same way. I feel like I keep running up against the wall of their couple-ness. 

I say to him, "Sometimes I feel a bit left out. Do you ever feel left out of my life?"

He says no.

I guess I'm overthinking things?

Words

What words would I use to describe him?

Compelling.

Sexy.

Dominant.

Strong.

Smart.

Controlling.

Sadistic.

Sweet.

Loving.

Bossy. Yeah, I know, same as controlling, but it bears repeating anyway.

Determined.

Creative.

Funny.

Perceptive.

Mine.

Nice Day

My body feels sore and sated. My spirit is happy and at peace.

I feel happy with the world.

No angsty searching thinking or over-thinking post today.

Just happy.

Contentment doesn't really make for very interesting posts, does it?

Suddenly

We're talking, and first it's fairly vanilla, it's logistics and plans for the day.

And then it's kind of sweet. He asks me why I'm going to work early, and I say I'm going early so I have a chance to talk to him on the way, just so we get some time. And he tells me that he loves that.

And then, out of the blue he says, "I'd like to strip you now, and hurt you. And then I'd fuck you."

Wow.

My mouth fills with saliva. I'm ... suddenly I want that too.

The sadist is out. Suddenly.

Or is it that I need it?

Welcome Home

We'd both been away and sometimes that separation makes us bad, disconnected, confused about what our relationship is supposed to be. We are jealous of the others time. We are (yes Sir, both of us) like spoiled fretful children, needing reassurance.

This time, none of that was the case. We came together well. Dominance and submission. Which comes first? I don't know. I always want it to be the dominance. He wants it to be the submission. This time, I think it was both.

He started playing with me. Hurting me just a little. Letting me know he could. Preparing me for our time together. He had me touch my nipples, gently at first, then rougher.

He was glorying in the fact that he can do whatever he wants with me. And I was wanting to push my submission at him, to offer it, perhaps even faster than he was taking it. I was loving that the choice of what to do with me, and how was his, entirely his.

He started talking to dirty to me. Calling me his fucking needy little whore. Why is that such a turn on for me? He was admiring my beautiful white tits and pretty nipples. He told me that.

It all turned me on. Made me feel so submissive, so desirous of giving him more of me. It made me short of breath, made my heart beat faster. Made my pussy swell with want.

Eventually he let me touch, for two minutes he said. I could masturbate. And somehow (where was my brain while this was happening?) it wasn't until he counted off that one minute was gone, that it occurred to me that he'd probably have let me cum if I could get there in his stingy two minutes. But by then it was likely too late. Could I get there in the remaining one minute? I felt for it. No. It wasn't there, wasn't going to be there in a minute.

So I just continued. Touching. Turning myself on for him. Making myself desire so that he could deny me.

And then, saying thank you when he did it. 

What a good little sub? What a needy little whore?

He did say that I was a good girl, and that he'd give me "lots more soon".

I so want that.

Still

Relationship Advice

We went away this weekend with a lovely couple. These friends of ours are fairly recently married, about 3 years ago. Is that recent?

We've known them both for years; they are some of our oldest and dearest friends. They got together about 5 years ago and at first it was a bit weird, because... well, because I was used to thinking and seeing them both with other partners and really not with each other. But gradually we got used to how sweet they were together, and how much in love with each other they were.

Of course she is sweet with everyone, eternally positive. And he is shyer, but generally good with people, and I think he had waited for her for 30 years. Give or take. 

Their version of their love story is that I introduced them. I guess I did. And at their wedding, when people asked, "friend of the bride or the groom?" I said "both!"

And now, three years later...

They are horrible with each other. Horrible. Sniping. Snapping. Snarling at each other at every opportunity.

She finds fault with everything he does. He does the same to her. Every interaction is an opportunity for criticism and meanness. Every interaction seems to open the door for them to disparage the other. They respond with exasperation. With anger or embarrassment or resentment, or with a need to prove they other wrong. They escalate. Or they call attention to how they are victimized or rather villainized by the other.

Which made me realize they were like this the last time I saw them, over Christmas.

I'm worried about them, worried about their relationship. This is horrible for their relationship.

It was uncomfortable. It was disturbing. I wanted to smooth things over, to make light of it, and make things better for them. That's what I do.

Eventually I realized that it wasn't one bad interaction, and it probably wasn't just this weekend. It's a bigger thing. This is the way they are with each other now.

Twenty times this weekend, I bit back unasked for advice. I wanted to say to them that they need to be gentler with each other. That they cannot treat each other this way 3 years into a marriage and expect it to survive. (Which doesn't mean I think it's better if it happens further into a marriage, but by then you have history, maybe you have enough highs to survive some lows. Maybe it means that your relationship has ups and downs rather than just a steady downward trend?)

I wanted to tell them that you have to be sweet to each other, to love each other, to be gentler with each other. I wanted to say that your spouse remembers every critical thing you ever say to them. I wanted to tell them to try to see the positive in each other.

I decided, each time, that it wasn't really my business to do it. That they know, surely they know that things aren't good. That they are old enough, and hopefully wise enough to find solutions without me getting in their stuff. I hope.

At the end, as we said goodbye, she apologized for the way they were, the way they are with each other. Jumping at the opening I said I was worried about them, their relationship. She said she was worried too. And then she talked about the stresses in their lives.

Yeah, the stresses are real. I agree. They suck.

But.

Your relationship still works better if you are nice to the other person in it. It works better if you are kind instead of mean. Loving instead of disparaging.

We all know this. But sometimes we forget. We lose sight of the big picture in the struggle to conquer the day to day details. But the big picture can fall apart on the accumulation of those little details. 

Be loving to each other.

Pretty Is

I assume he thinks I'm pretty. I believe he finds me attractive, desirable, that he wants me.  I need to think that stuff, it's part of what makes us work, part of the balance of power and desire between us, is my faith in that stuff, but I think it's actually mostly true too.

I need to feel desirable to him. I need to know he wants me. Tons of our relationship is based on sex. He won't love me saying this, so let me say it this way. Sex was the initial attraction, the initial foundation on which we built everything else. Sex was the original reason for the building.

I know there are things he would "improve" about me if he could. He'd like me thinner. I'd like me thinner. I don't seem to be doing much to get myself there, and in that absence, I sense he is about to intervene. To be fair (fair?) it's impossible for me to exercise at the moment. I have a broken foot, and the exercise I am allowed to do right now is lie on the couch and turn the pages.

Sometimes he wants me to dress sexier. Umm, I think that's partly about the look of it, partly about the power of being able to impose it on me, and partly just to know that I'm thinking of him, wanting to please him.

But I have a basic faith in my prettiness.

I'm certainly not beautiful, though of course like all the other girls I wanted to be, and still do.

I think I was a plain shy little girl. I wanted to be gorgeous with blond curls, but I was a serious little brown haired girl. By my teenage years I had figured out how to manage cute most of the time.

Some time around then I discovered life's basic beauty secrets, stand up straight, wash your hair, brush your teeth and smile.

So it's not that I think I'm gorgeous, but that I think he thinks I'm pleasing, that my appearance pleases him. Because we have this relationship where if I've pleased him I've succeeded somehow. So him thinking that I am pleasing is like a "good girl" stroke.

I'm better looking when I'm smiling. I'm a thousand times prettier when I smile. I make friends when I smile. 

Is it why he picked me out of the crowd? My looks, my face, my smile? No, I don't think so.

He loves my smile, and then he loves to wipe it away. He loves to make me suffer and tremble and cry. He loves to wipe away any prettiness, in need or in sweat or in tears.

He uses my desire to be pretty, to stroke me or to humiliate me.

And oh, he loves to control it, to use it, to control me.

Years

Funny thing today.

We were talking about how long we have been together. He jokes and says it's at least 14 years. Uh, yeah, more like 8. Dude can't do math I guess?

It's been a good day. A connecting day. We're both feeling mellow, a little mushy.

But it has been a long time we've been together.

I say, teasing a little, but meaning it a little too, "Maybe I'm your true love?"

At the same time as he says, "You're a long term project."

Umm, what a guy.

I Need the Need

The thing is, I need the need. I need the feeling of sex stealing over me, taking over my body, my brain, where I know I can let it and just go with it because I have to, because I want to, because I'm safe with him.

I need the sensations of sex and submission and masochism that wrap around each other inside me.

I need to want to please him.

I need to feel he desires me.

I need to feel he knows me, deep down to the bone, and gets me, and wants me anyway. I need to trust in that. 

I need ... the need.

There hasn't been that much need lately. Lately there has been friendship, accommodation, workarounds. We're good at being friends, at listening, we've done that for each other for a long time.  That's crucial to us, to our long term relationship health, but its not that fiery passion, that thing that makes us "the one" for the other.

And when there isn't I kind of back away from it a bit. Not necessarily intentionally, though I do that sometimes too, but just forgetting the physicality of it, the way it feels inside me, to want, to crave, to need.

Today it was there, and damn it's good when it's there.

It's fast and it's so perfect. And it does feel like I don't even care if I cum, just being in the moment is sufficient. Sounds like yoga doesn't it?

But it's true. I like there, spread out, sexed, needing. Realizing I don't care if I cum, I just want this, this thing, this moment. I want this feeling in my body, the swelling, the ache. The drive to rock into it, to feel his hands, his hurt.

I want him to cum. I need him to want me. But whether I cum or not, that's so secondary at that moment.

And he gets it, he says to me "you need the need" and I realize that he sees it more clearly than I do, sees inside me more clearly sometimes than I see myself.

He sees that I need it. This feeling. This moment. Him. Us. That this desire is really what I crave, and can't do without.

He needs it too.

There's No Time to Explain

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Work

Life at my office has sucked lately. Major suckage.

People have been fired, laid off. Programs cancelled for what seems like no reason.

Really it has sucked.

Oh there have been some good things too, people doing nice things, some weddings, some babies. These are good things.

But even the friendships have been strained as everyone goes into survival mode.

I haven't been fired or laid off, so that's great, but I feel kind of guilty around all those that have. Honestly, the way they did things, it's not cause I'm a good worker (though I think I am) or because they value me more, but simply because of the area I work in.

So it has been a damn unpleasant place to work for the past month or so, and will be til sometime around the end of July.

But yesterday I got news that a trip I had applied for was approved. I'm thrilled. I needed something good to happen at work. And this has. And I feel a tiny bit more valued. Umm, by some if not all of management. (That's a whole other story)

But the down side is... not everyone got approved for their travel.

And I don't know who did or who didn't.

So I want to share my happiness over this with the world. And... at least at the office I have to keep a lid on it.

So I'm sharing my little office victory with you. It's not the end of the problems there, but at least it's a ray of sunshine, maybe even a rainbow.

-sin

I Like These Clamps

He says, "I like these clamps because I can twist them around and then they helicopter back."

(The clamps are the blue pencil ones. I tried to send a phone pic of them here but... I don't know if I can't figure out how on my new phone or if the photo has somehow gone via Hong Kong tree or four times. Whatever the case, they weren't available at time of posting.)

I say, "Yes Sir".

Hard to think of some thing profound when my nipples are being twisted around like that. First one direction and then the other.

Though it did occur to me, is this like a phase men get stuck in, wanting to play games with tits? Is it because they love the visual of it, or just the play of it?

And the great thing about being a Dom is that you can. Right?

Ellen Reads '50 Shades of Grey'

Gotta love Ellen... "do not eat the pancakes!"

Winning

Maturity

Two weeks ago I got in trouble for not being patient enough.

The Man thinks that I should be infinitely patient.

There had been a series of things that happened, all of which meant we had less and less time together. And then I went away for the weekend and when I came back he announced that he had spent most of his meager time budget somewhere else.

I was hurt. So disappointed.

I'd been sweet and patient and grown up about it for ages, but in that moment I felt like the only thing that had achieved was me being taken for granted.

So first I was mad.

And sulky.

Definitely some overlap there.

And then I was bitter and bitchy. Those came together. But really he didn't have time to even notice. So as a strategy, that was a fail.

I wanted attention. I wanted HIS attention.

Then I got bratty. (Why yes I am 14 years old) I pondered rebellion. What could I do to piss him off? Some lavish revolt that would show him I wasn't to be taken for granted, not just pushed aside and ignored.

But I didn't... exactly... want to be bad. I didn't want to do another guy. Not that bad. I felt like we'd never recover from that from where we were.

So I rebelled in a small way. By being deliberately disobedient. I was disobeying a small order, but something he had definitely told me not to do. I knew he'd be mad. And then he'd realize that I was hurt and then I'd get to tell him all the stuff I was upset and hurt about. (Yeah, maybe I'm 12).

I had my grand rebellion. I closed my blog.

Click. Gasps heard around the world.

He didn't notice.

I had to tell him. I had to point out my rebellion.

Which he called brattyness. Not dignifying the act with a big term like rebellion.

And then I got in trouble. And got punished. And not much love from it.

Fail.

I should have started a new craft project instead huh? Maybe a knitting project? Or a new painting?

Turns out I just needed to get through another ten days before getting his attention.

Ten days is forever when you are 10 years old...

He loves when I ask permission for something. He loves having more control over me. He says it's especially when we are good together, when we are tight, that he wants control over more and more of me. I think it's all the time actually. 

I actually think he'd love me to ask what to wear and whether I could have toast for breakfast or whether I could pee yet.

The other day he had limited my masturbation. He'd said it was just for that day, but usually when something like that is over he'll tell me. And he hadn't. So yesterday I asked him if I was allowed. And he hedged a little. I think he didn't really want to tell me that I didn't have to ask, because he loves me asking. Understand?

He told me that he thought I should ask. If I wasn't sure. So I did.

So I asked and he said "Start, right now, while I think about it",

And so I started to masturbate, while he watched me and considered whether he wanted to let me. Whether me asking pleased him enough that he wanted to give me this. Or whether me asking for it made him want to limit it.

Doms are complicated sometimes. Trying to peek into their minds. To understand and predict what they'll want, and why.

He did let me. Isn't he sweet? I think he let me because he was seduced by the sex of it.

Storm of Regret?

Yeah, I know it's not everyone's thing, but others think it should be a day of great celebration.

Don't you just love Star Wars? Okay, well I do!

May the 4th be with you all.
-sin

Better

Well I guess things must be better because I'm back, right?

I don't post much when things aren't good between The Man and I. For soooo many reasons, not least among them that if I post something that he hates, it just makes us worse.

And for anyone who wondered, I did get in trouble for closing the blog, not to you, but to him. So I had to write about a million lines saying I wouldn't close my blog to him.

And then... we still weren't better so I opened it again, but still didn't post.

And now we are better but....Jeez the first post after a layoff is hard to write.

So this is kind of a cheat. But I've loved a couple of posts y'all have written in the past couple of days.

This by Monkey on cyber relationships. This is so good. Go and read it. This is so close to what I feel, that the touch isn't real but the feelings are!

And this and this by Aisha on being (or maybe just worrying about being)  too needy, too dependent. They both spoke loudly to me this week.

Maybe I'll write about it, or maybe I won't. I'm honestly not sure. But I do guess I'll write something.  

-sin