finding my submission

Shafia Trial

2012-01-31T08:41:00.000-05:00

Today's post is an angry feminist rant about current events. It's not even that coherent. I feel like I have so much to say, and I've run out of time today to say it. But I must say something.

Yesterday there was a court ruling about a case which has captured the attention of Canadians. The parents and brother of 3 murdered girls and their step-mom were found guilty and sentenced to life in prison.

The murders were carried out a couple of years ago. The parents and brother pushed a car that carried the 4 women into a canal. All 4 women drowned.

The reason? Licentious behaviour. The girls, aged 19, 17, and 13 weren't modest enough for the Afghani parents. So they killed them.

There's tons more info on the case here:

http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/Christie+Blatchford+There+honour+shameless+murders/6070834/story.html

Every time I have heard this story on the radio, and there have been numerous reportings on it, I have thought, "those fuckers!" I wish there was a death penalty. I really do. I'm so angry at these people. Can you imagine killing your child? Can you imagine killing 3 of your children? They killed a 13 year old girl for slutty behaviour.

The family moved from Afghanistan to Canada. They're a wealthy family. There was a dad, a mom, the older brother who helped to kill them. The three sisters who died, 2 other sisters and a brother. And the dad's first wife who they brought in a couple months later as a cousin who was going to "help with the housework" or something.

The oldest daughter, Zainab was rebellious. She hung out with boys, she wore makeup and clothes that showed her body. She ran away, to a women's shelter. She got married to someone her parents didn't approve of and then had the marriage annulled. Her behaviour was pretty wild in some ways. Not so wild in others. Not so far off the beaten path of teenage-hood.

The second sister, Sahar, was rebellious too. She hung out with boys, took tarty pics of herself with her cell phone. She dated boys.

The third daughter, Geeti was 13. She asked teachers and schools for help, saying they were going to kill her and then recanted in front of her parents. Pictures of her make her look like a child, not an adolescent. She was a little girl.

The first wife, Rona, was 52. She was barren. She wanted to leave her marriage. She was afraid of her husband. Afraid he would kill her.

All 4 of these women were afraid. Justifiably.

There's a sense that the system let them down. They knew they were in danger, and asked for help, from schools and friends and social workers. They were afraid of being killed and they said so.

We are so politically correct as a culture, so stupidly liberal, that we want to believe that every culture has legitimacy even if it isn't our own. And here's the thing. They don't all have the same legitimacy. Some cultural ways, traditional ways, are just barbaric and evil and repressive. Some are just wrong. We need to say so.

Who decides? Well if you don't feel capable, I can do it, thanks.

These honour killings were that kind of barbaric, primitive, evil thing. This man, their father, obviously the mind behind the crimes, clearly felt that he had the rights to power and control over their sexuality. They were killed because he couldn't control their sexuality.

I seriously hope they put him in jail with a thousand other men and he learns something about sexuality there.

Naked Yoga Test

2012-01-30T07:43:00.000-05:00

It feels like he's been testing me lately. To see where my limits are. To understand what I would to and not do. I think he feels like he hit a balk a week ago. And now he's exploring, unwilling to hear another "no".

Which is interesting, because he didn't hit a "no" that night at all. In fact, I did what he had said, although I admit I was a bit sulky about it.

So last night, I made some comment about how I didn't want to be naked, which he sort of wanted, because I needed to do my yoga practice.

And he pursued it.

"Why couldn't you do yoga naked if I told you to?"

"Well I could, I guess, but I meant to do it in the living room."

"Why couldn't you do naked yoga in the living room?"

"Well, it's right in full view of the big glass front doors. And one of the kids was home with a friend."

"So, it's not that you can't it's that you wouldn't be comfortable right?

"So no Sir, I wouldn't be very comfortable."

"Oh, I know you'd prefer not to. That's not the issue to me here. I knew that part."

"I don't think they want to see me do naked yoga either."

"So you'd agree that if I chose to have you do naked yoga in the living room, you would."

"Yes Sir, sure. You seem to be testing me."

I think he's just making sure the lines were where he thought they were. Which is just this side of mayhem and murder on his behalf.

Yes Sir, I'd do naked yoga in the living room. And try to think up a reason for it if I got caught. It's good for the chakras?

Game of Denial

2012-01-28T10:17:00.000-05:00

He plays this game of denial with me.

He heats me up, then stops me cold.

When he does it, while he's doing it, I crave the sex, the release, the orgasm. I feel like I am so focused on the cum that it's all I can think of.

Sometimes when he stops me, I moan, out of frustration, need.

Sometimes I'm frustrated with a hint of anger.

Sometimes I'm so fucking turned on, by the game, the denial, and the power and his ability to make me do as he wants.

Sometimes I'd do anything for the gift of the cum. Usually I only get that way (that "do anything for you" feeling) with submission or with pain. And this feeling doesn't last as long as that one, but it's there, the need is so strong.

It's humiliating. To be so turned on. To be played like that. To be naked and needy and begging him.

This time the game was because he wanted me turned on, on fire for him.

But it was to teach a lesson too. Shaping me the way he wants me. Each little refusal kind of a slap on the wrist.

Have I learned?

The lesson? That things go his way, not mine. Secondary lesson? That I'll never win a fight with him.

And what does he get? Power. Power. Power.

Caption

2012-01-26T18:56:00.000-05:00


Add caption

So... I've actually seen this before but this time I had to share. Don't you think this is a photo looking for a caption? What would you title this?

And what's the story?

Sorry Sin Can't Come to Her Blog Right Now...

2012-01-25T21:43:00.000-05:00

Sorry... Sin can't come to her blog right now.

She's reading A Game of Thrones.

It's REALLY good.

I'll be back when I'm done.

Would That Have Been More Submissive?

2012-01-23T07:59:00.000-05:00

You tell me to do something and I don't want to do it. It's carries a risk of being caught, but more than that, I want to talk to you. At least a little bit, it seems like ages since we've talked. And we are scraping each other lately with harshness and misunderstanding.

So I do it but you can tell I don't want to.

Obedient but resistant.

So you ask me about it and I agree. I am resistant. I don't want this thing you want from me.

And soon you get pissed that I don't want it.

And things go downhill from there.

So ... should I have lied? Pretended I liked what you wanted?

Would that be more submissive? It would certainly have been more pleasing to you last night.

I Wonder How You'd Like...

2012-01-21T11:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we are so intensely sexual and connected and I feel his dominance so clearly that it takes my breath away. This was one of those weeks.

One night he says to me, "I wonder how you'd like to sleep in clamps tonight?"

I don't say anything. Why taunt the beast? He won't do it, I know. It's just a fleeting thought. And I guess if he did he'd make it manageable.

He continues with it though. "Yes, I'm serious. Maybe tomorrow night would be better though. When you don't have to get up and go to work."

Yikes. That sounds more than fleeting.

"The only thing I worry about, and you would too subgirl, is that I wouldn't be here for 8 hours to manage you, to manage your pain. If I was sleeping with you tonight, I'd put them on you."

The Sadist, thinking things through. I didn't interrupt.

"Which ones would we use? The red ones? Or the little tweezers? I think the little tweezers for the first time don't you?"

Wow. I couldn't sleep in the red ones, that's for sure. They go on okay, and stay that way for a while, and then all of a sudden they become unbearable. The tweezers would be better. But I don't say any of that.

"The ring only pushed up 1/3 of the way maybe? or 1/4? Would they stay on at 1/4?"

He's teasing me. I know he is.

"Subgirl, run get the tweezers quick while I wait."

"Yes Sir."

He Wakes Me

2012-01-20T19:03:00.000-05:00

He wakes me just by being there, a whisper of sound, and I jerk awake. He's been watching me. Deciding whether to wake me or watch me sleep.

I'm sleeping, exhausted from a week of mild stress and burning the candle at both ends and lots of little pieces of my Dom. Lots of sex. Lots of pain. Lots of submission. And I've fallen asleep waiting for him. But left a note saying wake me, please wake me. I want you to!

And after hesitation he does wake me and ...

it's odd. I feel discombobulated. I feel like I don't have all my faculties. I'm not together. I'm a little bewildered after being roused from my cat-nap. He has a jump on me from which I never really recover. We already play on an uneven field, so this matters. And yet it doesn't. Because I want that unevenness. Right?

But I feel sweet too. Compliant. Easy.

And he... was sweet with me too. Open. Easy. Gentle. Loving.

Yeah, it did get a big darker eventually.

And was I ready for it by then? I guess. Really I was braced for worse. I was expecting pain. Which didn't materialize.

It turned sexual. Big surprise?

But still so sweet.

Conversation Between Dom and Sub

2012-01-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

Me: I want a man who will adore me, who is crazy about me, who can't get enough.

Him: You have one.

Me: I know....

Me: But shhhh... you aren't supposed to know that I know.

Him (laughing): You know??

Me: Today I know. Today I'm sure. I don't "know" every day.

Him: You should.

Cold

2012-01-16T08:44:00.000-05:00

It's - 28 Celsius (that's -18.4 for you Americans). It's cold. Really really cold.

So as my kids left the house this morning this was the drill.

Me with Kid One. Do up your coat. Do you have a hat? Put it on. Yes your hood is fine as long as you wear it. Do you have gloves? Really? Show me. Gloves in your locker at school do not count as you head out to the bus stop. Get different gloves. Do up your coat. And put up your hood. Really.

Me with Kid Two. Do up your coat. It's really cold. Do you have a hat? Put it on. Do you have gloves? Really? Show me. Do up your coat. Do up your coat. I SEE you. Now do up your coat.

I did a pass on nagging my husband who wasn't wearing a hat or gloves or even boots. But he was already cranky. So I just gave it a miss.

Sigh...

I'm going to layer up and go to work. I really wish I had a remote car starter this morning.

Reintroduction

2012-01-15T09:57:00.000-05:00

Yes I survived him reintroducing pain, though holy crap he can be a mean fucker.

I had expected him to have some fun reintroducing it slowly, over time, step by step. Getting more value for less investment for a while. Like a cheap date.

Not.

He wanted it fast. It was almost as if he was trying to get me back up to speed. Like it was just something to be gotten through to get back to where he wanted.

Like playing a game, zipping through those earlier levels to get back up to the level where he wants to play, where it's challenging for him.

Details? Hmmm, it's days ago, happened back on Wednesday, and the details are foggy, but let's see.

He put clamps on me and had me bring my weights. He didn't use the wide clamps with jaws of steel he usually uses with weights. Instead he pulled out one of the pairs of clamps he had hurt me with earlier in the week. Standard medium sized clamps, adjustable to really mean. But he opened them a bit, put them on me and yeah, they hurt like crazy. Way more than they would have a month ago. Maybe not quite as much as the clamps the night before.

And then he put me on all fours and moved me this way and that to watch the chain sway before putting on weights. So he put on a medium size weight, and then another. And then he put on one of the big weights.

And did me.

Moved me this way and that. Made me fuck, made me cum. Made me wish desperately that the clamps were off.

And then instead of taking the clamps off, he played a new game.

He stood me up in front of him, and had me lift my tits as high as I could, with the clamped nipples perkily pointing upward. I have big ones, so there's a fair bit of play there. So scoop them up, hold them, and then drop them so he could see the clamps fall and jerk, and see my face. Terrific game for a sadist.

So we played that for a while, with me getting increasingly unhappy. How long? How many times? I don't know.

Until suddenly, without warning, the right clamp slipped off, snapped off. Whatever. Came off. With a jerk, leaving a screamingly sore right nipple, all the weight hanging with a jerk from my left nipple, and me screaming and panicked.

I was crying.

He was calm. Isn't that the best thing? The calming voice of the Dom when I'm freaked out about something.

Except that he ordered me to put it back on.

And then he said to tighten each clamp a bit. He wanted me to appreciate at that point how great it was that he hadn't made me take them off to tighten them and put them back on again. Yes Sir, that was nice.

And then we played the game again. Lift, wait, drop. Lift, higher, wait, drop. Lift, higher, higher, drop. Lift, drop.

And the other clamp came off. Leaving me screaming and crying harder, louder. With all the weight dangling from my wounded right nipple.

Put it back he ordered.

And start again.

Lift, wait, drop. Lift, higher, drop.

Til it came off again and I fell apart.

And he put it on one last time.

And then, I think he made me cum. Honestly, I do remember very well. I do know there was an orgasm in there.

And then finally he took both clamps off.

I was in survival mode by then. Just enduring.

In retrospect, I imagine there was more to it for him than just getting to the level that he wanted. In retrospect it seems that he must have enjoyed the zero to sixty of that day.

In retrospect, what he probably liked best was knowing that he could play that game with me, deliver that kind of pain, that kind of treatment to me, knowing what my body could take, knowing that I'd survive it, but that it would hurt me more than at any other time. And he likely did all that deliberately, wanting that pain.

Either way, I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it more than I did.

Awesome

2012-01-12T14:27:00.000-05:00

I spent last night watching a baby being born.

I helped, I encouraged.

I held her hands and got her stuff.

I breathed with her. I shouted instructions. I did what the nurses let me do.

I wished I could do more. I wanted to share some of the work, the labour.

I held her legs and watch the baby crown.

I cried when the baby was born.

Everyone did. I wonder if everyone always cries?

It's the most amazing miracle ever. And yes, it happens every day, but it doesn't make it less amazing.

I think the world seems like a better place today. I feel like I have my priorities straight.I feel very lucky.

Awesome indeed.

Recovery

2012-01-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

It had been ages, weeks, almost a month. Oh we'd talked a bit, then talked a lot, and even played a little. But we hadn't played with pain.

On the weekend, he started again. A clamp on one nipple. And it really really hurt. Way more than I thought it should.

On Monday night he used the tweezer clamps. OMFG they hurt. He put them on pretty tight, then pulled them this way and that. And then told me to just hold them, holding my breasts up by the clamps on my nipples. I panicked. Seriously. I thought I might have to stop him. (A bit like stopping a bulldozer!) I thought I wouldn't be able to do what he told me to do. I don't even know how I'd have stopped it.

Last night. He got clamps out and had me put them on. Right first. I put them on myself, so gently. And as soon as the first one went on I started to panic again. It hurt. I couldn't do it. It must be on wrong. He had to stop. I couldn't take it.

He was watching me. Watching the play of emotions, of fear, on my face.

My hands were fluttering near my clamped nipple, trying to save it. Not daring to.

He told me to put the second one on.

I started to obey.

He said to me, "I know you are in trouble here if that helps you."

It did help a tiny bit.

At least he wouldn't expect me to wear them for hours. Would he?

I put the left one on as ordered.

He had me take the right one off. Better. Still excruciating but better.

And then put it back on again.

I ... did it but oh it was horrible.

Eventually, hours later, he took them off me.

Total time elapsed, for the whole thing? Not hours. It was under 4 minutes.

I guess the nerves do get blunted with abuse. I guess they do recover. I don't think recovery is going to be good for me.

And today we have hours together. I bet it seems like longer.

More on Service

2012-01-10T06:37:00.000-05:00

He notes that when he taught me to love pain, he paired it with pleasure.

And that if he was teaching me to love service, he would likely do the same.

Imagine it. If he developed a new obsession with cleaning my bathroom. He could link it to orgasm. I could have an orgasm every time I cleaned the bathtub well, but only at those times.

So when he said it was time to clean the tub, there would be incentive, anticipation, desire.I would start to turn on right away.

I'd do the job, knowing I was pleasing him, and working towards something he wanted, but also knowing there was an orgasm coming.

It would be exciting, sexual.

There could be other ritual around it. Special clothes, like the French Maid's outfit, or just a thong, or some other skimpy attire. He could stop me halfway sometimes, or not allow me to orgasm on some days even though I had done a great job. He could make me ask or even beg to clean the tub and cum.

He could.

Would it cue desire and sex for me?

Maybe.

Would it make me want to clean the bathtub?

Ummm... I've laid out how it could happen. Maybe.

Service

2012-01-08T12:10:00.000-05:00

Aisha asks if he could train me to want to scrub the bathroom.

I was talking about service and said that he wanted sex and pain, and that was what he had trained me to want. And I had used cleaning as an example of other kinds of service that were not required of me in our D/s relationship. So she asked if I thought he could train me to want to scrub the bathroom.

Yes, as unlikely as it sounds I think he could.

We don't live together. So it wouldn't be his bathroom I was cleaning. So it's hard to imagine he'd care. It wouldn't match up with any obsession of his to have his environment pristine and sparkling.

And I'm not a keen cleaner, not keen about any of the little housewifely tasks that need to be done again and again. My house is pretty clean, I have a cleaner who comes and does it for me. I don't hate doing bathrooms; at least they're small, and without much clutter, so the job is pretty contained. My real hate is floors.

But here's the thing. It's not impossible that he could decide he wanted something like that done. Just for the power of it.

It's clear that he taught me to crave erotic pain. I didn't have much interest in it before him. But he claims the building blocks were there in me and he just brought it out. I don't know if that's true.

And I don't think the building blocks to make me love cleaning the bathroom are in me. I suppose there would be satisfaction in seeing the clean bathroom. But it seems to me that the question isn't about satisfaction in the product, it's about whether I could find satisfaction in the service.

I do think he could easily train me to like other kinds of pain at this point. His focus is usually my breasts. But I think he could attach the clamps and his attention to an earlobe or a finger or tongue and make that the focus of my service that that I could get a thrill that way. I think that spanking could give me that thrill. I think my association of pain with pleasure is pretty damn strong at this point and that it would be easy to transfer the feelings.

It would really be about knowing that he was pleased and approving. That would make it a good thing for me.

If he was turned on by it, by spanking or tongue pain or by me cleaning, I think he could train me to like it.

I think it would be about power at that point. I think he could be excited by his power to make me do something because he ordered it. And I think he could make me like it. But it wouldn't be easy.

So if we imagine him saying "Sub, today I want to come home and find the bathroom sparkling. Do it for me," it wouldn't excite me.

Or even "today I want to spend the morning watching you scrub the bathroom," and it was his focus, and it turned him on...Okay, honestly I don't see it. I don't think it would give me that submissive high.

Add the French maid's outfit and ... then it turns into sex rather than cleaning right?

But then... if it was bossy enough, humiliating enough, dark enough. I can imagine scenarios where it just might give me that high. Like living in some dark fantasy. Maybe.

But just straight up cleaning as service as a turn on? Even when tied in with his approval and turn on? Well I want to say no. But really, I do think he could make me like just about anything so, maybe I am stuck on "no" because I simply can't imagine him getting turned on by it. Approving of it? Sure he would. He'd like it. He'd probably like it better if there was a benefit to him in it. So maybe it's just that I can't imagine his reaction to it.

What do you think? Do you get turned on by domestic service, either as the Dom or the sub? Could you? And if so, tell me what you feel, what the excitement is?

He's Busy...

2012-01-07T11:25:00.000-05:00

He's busy and wants to finish reading something and tells me to find something to do. A minute later he has found something for me to do, as he tells me that I can play with my tits and nipples while I wait for him.

Actually I don't really want to do that. My nipples are sore from him playing pretty rough with them a couple of days ago, and maybe from my cycle.

So I question it. Was that an order or a suggestion?

An order he says. Now do it.

I start touching my nipples. They hurt. They are swollen sensitive. And it's not very sexual. I'm not hugely resistant, but not excited about it either.

I ask him a couple of questions. Tell him a couple of things. Like that my nipples hurt. I guess I figure that if my nipples hurt, and he knows, he'll like that, and maybe he'll make me like it.

He answers briefly, and then he doesn't.

Eventually he tells me to hush and play with my sore nipples and let him finish like he told me.

I do.

It hurts. My breasts ache. Oh, I said that already.

Well it does hurt. It feels like I'm doing some kind of faintly unpleasant task (cause it's only very faintly sexual, and it hurts!) while I wait for him. Like washing the floor or cleaning the bathtubs. I'm doing it because he told me to. Because he wanted me to feel his power while he makes me wait for him.

I think about power and the fact that my nipples hurt.

I like the power actually. Does that make me like this? Yeah. Maybe. A bit anyway.

After a while he pulls my top down and has me play with my naked nipples til he finishes. It hurts more but is more sexual, and I stop thinking about how this is like cleaning the floor, and start thinking about sex and seduction and submission.

If he wanted, I'd clean the floor for him too. And try to get the thrill I need from the power transfer there. Or scrub bathtubs.

But I'm glad that the areas where he wants my service are sex and pain.

Of course that's what he's trained me to want, right?

Is It Like That For You?

2012-01-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

It had been weeks since we connected, weeks since he had touched me.

In a grand sweeping novel, we would have been separated by misunderstanding, war, distance and disaster. Perhaps for years.

In real life we'd been separated by misunderstanding, a little resentment, distance and disaster. Almost the same right?

We were talking, the conversation not sexual at all. We were talking, as we've been talking about it almost constantly, trying to manage and assess the aftermath of disaster.

I said... what was it? I don't remember. Something not sexual, but with a hint of yearning, of want.

"Slide your hand under your shirt," he said. "Into your bra. Now pinch your nipple. Hard. HARD. Like I would."

Violence. Passion. Desire. Heat. Want.

I knew how he wanted it. Hard. To touch me, hurt me. Own me.

HARD.

Need.

All there.

At the flick of a switch.

All there, right below the surface.

His.

The submission, right behind the passion. Like a train, one pulling the other.

The speed of it.

Submission. Need to submit.

Need to crawl. To give him... everything.

All there. Right below the surface.

Is it like that for you?

All Is Well

2012-01-05T08:29:00.000-05:00

Everything is fine - will write more soon - an actual D/s post believe it or not!

Maybe even tonight.

Just no time now.

Thank you for your patience and your friendship.

Though I had some great filler posts lined up. Really!

The Canada Party - Election 2012

2012-01-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

"We've noticed you're hurting and we're here to help... "

Skin

2012-01-02T17:38:00.000-05:00

I feel like I need to protect myself.

You seem to think that things I do to protect myself aren't necessary.

But I feel they are.

I feel like I am losing you a little piece at a time.

And collaborating in the process.

Being asked to collaborate in the process.

So yes, I feel the need to protect myself.

To grow a little skin. To be less vulnerable.

Strap-On

2012-01-02T08:49:00.000-05:00

Strap-on?

Could I? Would I?

I was exploring online and found several references to strap-ons this morning. (Yep, that is the kind of thing I read before coffee apparently. Why do you ask?)

Maybe it's fate? Maybe it's meant to be? Maybe I should explore it and see where it takes me?

One of the things I found started with this quote. Read it and see what you think?

"My boyfriend’s butt is beautiful. It’s pretty. It’s plump. It fits in the palm of my hand. I can’t keep my hands off it, and simply touching it turns me on. I’ve spanked it, kissed it, rubbed it, grabbed it, bit it — and now I want to stick something in it. A strap-on dildo to be exact. I want to bend that boy over, face down, bum up, and do him in the most dirty of ways. I want to make his prostate gland giddy with anal afternoon delight."

Sounds naughty, and delightfully sexy doesn't it?

But umm... I just don't know if it's me.

Sticking a finger, or a plug in someone's ass is one thing, but to fuck him? That seems totally different to me.

It seems to be about power.

I can imagine the mechanics of it, me on top, opening him, penetrating, quieting him. Soothing or not. Slowing for a bit, persisting, harder, faster. However I want.

Yeah, power.

And power, in my world, doesn't flow that way.

I want to clarify and say that sex, even penetrative sex, isn't always all about power. Sometimes it's tender, sweet, loving. Sometimes it's not about power at all.

But somehow to me, fucking someone with that strap-on seems to be about power. Don't you think so?

Anyway, I found a link for a beginner strap-on kit. Comes with two different sized dildos so you can start with a smaller one.

Molly and Mick write this morning about strap-ons and their need to purchase a new one. And yes their strap on does look a bit shop worn, but what a sexy photo of Molly wearing it. M and M use it when they switch. And I think for them it's always (almost always?) associated with power, her power over him. I think it's often used in conjunction with a crop to remind him that she's the boss.

And let me say too, that I think he likes it. Not just that he likes her being the boss, but he likes the strap-on play and being the recipient of it. He likes it in his ass and enjoys that interaction. All good right?

Much of my understanding of strap-ons and how they work has come from them. Though I've done a little more research (yes that is what I call it when I cruise trashy sites!)

And I think that leaves me feeling like I don't want to drive. Do I? Okay maybe I'd try it, but I'm a try anything once kind of girl. But I,m sure I wouldn't like it. Would I?

But I wouldn't mind being on the bottom in some naughty strap-on play. Now, all I need to do is find a girl with a strap-on, right?

Resolutions?

2012-01-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

Be healthier, be thinner, be fitter. Don't be obsessed with any of it.

Be true to myself.

Stop procrastinating.

Say what I think.

Be more content with myself, less reliant on others.

Branch out a bit more, connect with friends, with art, with nature.

Bigging It Up

2011-12-31T09:44:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what to write here today.

I feel like I've moved away from a D/s blog, and am occupying a niche as a filler blog. Each day some new quickie or funny thing to fill in the blanks where there used to be D/s and intensity.

At the moment there's not much D/s in my life.

My Dom and I are ...

Well he's away.

And he's got a family crisis. Actually it's mostly a crisis of his own making. It requires tons of maintenance and will for a while.

Which matters because I need some maintenance too. And he doesn't have the time or the energy for me at the moment. I do get that.

He says "trust me". Which is sort of his way of putting me on hold and telling me everything will be fine in the long run if I don't "big it up" too much in the short term.

Yeah. I trust you and trust that that's the case. We'll get through this.

I really could use some attention though. Relationship attention. D/s attention. Some good rough play.

Not gonna happen for a while. I guess this is me bigging it up huh? Tsk.

Resolutions

2011-12-30T17:31:00.000-05:00

As we come to the end of one year and the beginning of the next, what will I change? What will change in my life whether I want it to or not? What will I resolve?

Will I improve myself, my life?

Will I plan more? Will I be happier? Will I be more organized?

Will I be thinner? Maybe taller?

Will I be a better wife, submissive, mother, employee, boss? Will I be a better friend, a better colleague?

Will I procrastinate less, accomplish more?

What are you satisfied with in your life? What needs improvement?

Stay tuned for the next gripping installment...

Badness

2011-12-29T13:38:00.002-05:00

My kobo is broken. That's my e-reader.

I think some damn teenager sat on it.

Actually I think it was a team effort, one kid threw his jacket down on it, and the second kid sat on the jacket.

Wahhh!

Canadian, eh?

2011-12-28T22:13:00.000-05:00

Do You Think My Teenager is Right?

2011-12-27T09:35:00.000-05:00

Maybe we did have kids just so they could do all our chores?

Right now my teen is doing all the packing, my husband is messing around on his computer, I'm here on mine and my younger kid is outside playing.

Just an update. Everything okay after yesterday's desperate sounding post.

Okay... I'm going to help pack.

-sin

Confrontation

2011-12-26T20:20:00.000-05:00

This morning was lovely. It was peaceful and happy. My sister was here, slept over last night and we had 2 hours or so of girl talk before anyone else got up. Perfect.

And then I watched a sweet movie, Love Actually. Yeah, I know it's girly, but it was that kind of day. Curled up on my couch, with a shawl and coffee and a girly movie.

And then, out of the blue something bad happened. A nasty little confrontation that left me feeling bad, worried, guilty, sick over it. It was done and over in less than five minutes.

But I think some of the bad will linger. Anxiety, guilt. Concern.

Shit.

I Love Christmas

2011-12-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

I love Christmas.

I know lots of people, whether Christian or Jewish or Muslim or atheist (should that have a capital?) or just generally vanilla living in a predominantly Christian world do not love it. They feel it's overblown, too commercial, too much of everything.

Yes, I guess it can be. But here's the thing. It's commercial (and I do concede that it can be) because people want to give things to the people they love. They want to give them happiness and love and the perfect present can say that, can't it?

Don't you think all of us look back on those perfect Christmases or birthdays, those perfect gifts when we were little or not so little. Those times when we got exactly what we wanted, sometimes more than we expected? I think that's what we try to recreate with the buying we do. We want that moment of perfectly pleasing someone. We want to give that moment of perfection.

As we get older and have to buy stuff for people who we know we probably won't please, it can be frustrating or make us sad or resentful. And yes, that can be hard. I remember looking and looking and looking for something spectacular for my Dad. But of course he didn't need anything from me. And gosh he was hard to buy for. As I look back I realize that he was pleased by everything I gave him, because the gifts showed love and caring and thoughtfulness, things he would have valued greatly.

What I love about it is how many people do take the time to think about others. Sometimes it's in the context of religion, sometimes it isn't religious at all. But people give to charity and to others, giving is way up this time of year. People think more about others.

And it seems to me that in the midst of this crazy season of hurry and parties and buying and traveling and cooking and consumption there's a moment, an hour, a day even when we stop, when we are forced to stop, and enjoy our families and the people we are with.

I love that time. It's still and white here. Peaceful, though there are sounds of kids playing. I love the trees and the lights and the presents. I love knowing I'm going to my moms to eat dry turkey with lots of gravy and play games with my family and laugh and shout and ...

I wish some of that for all of you.

Merry Christmas.

Dear Santa

2011-12-25T08:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa,

I've been pretty good this year. At least I think so, though some might not agree. But we know the truth right, because you know if I've been naughty or nice.

So here's what I want for Christmas.

I'd like to wake up Christmas morning and find my Big Bad Dom all wrapped up under the tree.

Actually, now that I think about it, wrapping is optional.

Thank you,

sin

P.S. if you have extra room, toys would be good too.

How To Wrap A Cat For Christmas

2011-12-24T08:22:00.000-05:00

Its Christmas Eve and most of my stuff is done. Most?

Well, I still have the find the gorgeous blue scarf that I bought for my mom and stuck in my closet back in October. I am sure it's in there. Really.

And I have to do some non-Christmas things. Like renew my licence plates before they expire and ... Stuff like that. Wish I'd done that earlier!

And some baking. But that's easy. And I've left it til the last minute because I want it fresh, and because I like it. I often do it Christmas Day, as my Christmas Day doesn't really start til about 4 in the afternoon when we go to my mom's (with the scarf all nicely wrapped!)

I have some things to wrap too. Some of the awkward shapes. But I have tape and lots of paper, though the tape and scissors keep moving around this year with at least 3 of us wrapping things. For the past 15 years it's been almost entirely me who wraps things so the tape and scissors never moved, never got lost!

And in that spirit of wrapping special things, or maybe in the spirit of getting silly about wrapping, I offer you the following youtube video. Why yes, I have been spending a lot of time watching youtube. Why do you ask?

Captain Jack Sparrow

2011-12-23T15:10:00.001-05:00

I love this. It's the contrast! And it's funny. "Not better!"

But seriously, how can there be 61 million hits on it? How can there be 61 million hits on anything?

Darth Vader conducts Christmas Choir Flash Mob - Carol of the Bells

2011-12-22T21:38:00.000-05:00

Negotiating

2011-12-21T17:53:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying this is another post about us fighting. If you don't want to read about that, that's fine, click one of the excellent selections on the right hand side to read another blog or click the red X in the top right hand corner. Don't leave me a comment that says we always fight and maybe we should break up or that I'm not submissive enough. My relationship is fine, healthy, and pretty durable. It's passionate, and our fights are part of that. And this blog is part of me processing that kind of thing. But it's not for everyone, and if you've been around for too many cycles of Big Bad and Sin fighting, then move on.

Still here? Okay, here it is:

Several days ago he gave me a task. It's something kind of sexy, kind of fun, and it was meant to keep me busy and keep us a bit connected while he is away for AGES over Christmas. We will have some contact but not as much, as he hangs with his wimminfolk: his mom and his sis and his kids and oh yeah, his girlfriend.

He gave me the task, and I read it over. It's a shopping task and it's to be done during the time while he's gone, which is about 9 days long. And then a proposed (but not really anticipated) trip came through for me and I will be gone for 5 of those days. And 2 of them are non-shopping days. So that leaves me two days to do it. Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. NOT my favourite shopping days of the year.

So suddenly the task went from kind of intriguing to very onerous. Instantly.

So I was cranky. Trying to figure out how to do the task, which had kind of become the "damned task". It didn't occur to me to say no, or even to try to renegotiate it. But it was going to be a huge hassle. It was going to take time, and lots of it because of the days it had to be done. It was going to cause stress. And I guess I didn't think he knew that. I wanted him to know it. And I wanted him to value the time it was going to take me.

And oh, it also seemed to me, that in this busy jam packed time of year he was giving me this thing to do that didn't matter one little bit. It was irrelevant. Maybe even busy work. And I was swamped. And how could he make me do this thing that didn't matter?

So I didn't say no. Not quite. But I wasn't sweet about it. I was sulky. Pouty. Harried. I made sure he knew it.

And then he was annoyed. Sulky? Umm. Maybe a bit. Certainly annoyed. Ticked at me.

He asked me, finally, if I wanted the task taken away.

I kind of hedged. I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either.

I started to backpedal, to try to see the positive. I said I could do it. Maybe I could squeeze some time at lunch time or ...

But by then it was too late. He was pissed off at me, and asked me again and again whether I wanted the task taken away. I was aware he was disappointed and that whatever I did wasn't salvaging the situation. Eventually I said yes. And he took it away.

Which didn't make us better.

Today we finally talked about what happened. What he knew, what I knew. What I should have done. Why what I did didn't work.

What I should have done is try to renegotiate with him. Times. I could have done it before he left or after he came back. That would have been an easy offer from me, and he likely would have accepted it. I could have said that I felt it would be really hard and offered to substitute a different task, and do his another time. Any Saturday afternoon in January would work for his task. I should have trusted him to know me and my situation.

Sorry Sir. I will try to remember this next time.

So that's part 1 of the lesson.

I'm sure that part 2 will come in January some time. When he turns this into a teaching moment and makes sure I don't forget it.

And honestly, I hate when he punishes me, but I truly hate when he's just disappointed and pissy with me even more.

Maybe he'll forget between now and then?

A Horse of a Different Colour

2011-12-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Hanukkah. It's odd when Christmas and Hanukkah overlap. They are just a little bit similar, which might be why the zebra appealed.

Anyway... whatever you celebrate, Hanukkah, or Christmas, Solstice or Kwanza, happy holidays.

Math Answer and Bad Girls at Parties

2011-12-20T21:16:00.000-05:00

Okay, you get this right? I did promise an answer.

The question was:

It took Marie 10 minutes to saw a board into 2 pieces. If she works just as fast, how long will it take her to saw the board into 3 pieces?

The right answer is 20 minutes. Sawing the board into 2 pieces is 1 cut which takes 10 minutes. Sawing the board into 3 pieces is 2 cuts which takes 20 minutes.

The teacher was wrong. Dumbass.

This math moment brought to you by me being overtaken by the festive season: Hanukkah, Christmas, and other December celebrations. Like Birthdays.

Too much celebration? No such thing right? Actually I love it.

What I'm not loving this year is a succession of whiny spoiled girl children. Seriously. Tears, drama, angst. Who needs it? I don't get why girls think it's acceptable to bring that whiny crap to social events and expect to be rewarded for it. I've had two events in a row impacted by girl antics and brattyness. Now one of them was only 6, but still old enough to know better than to act the way she was acting. There were other girls though, the oldest was 21. Grrr.

All those years I kind of thought wistfully about the little girls I hadn't had. I take it all back. I don't want girls. I am so happy with my boy children. Calm, even tempered. Sweet. Lucky me?

Okay, I know you were hoping for a different kind of thing when you read the title that said "Bad Girls at Parties". It is a good title, isn't it? Maybe it calls for a story? Truth or fiction. What do you think?

A Math Moment

2011-12-19T07:37:00.000-05:00

This didn't happen to me or mine, it's copied from Facebook. Funny anyway though. Answers tomorrow if you don't get it!

First World Problems

2011-12-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

I was looking out my back window this morning, admiring the prettiness of the silvery blue ice on the pool. The pool that the winter cover isn't on, and I guess it probably won't go on at this point. There's a pretty dusting of snow on the patio furniture around the pool. Everything is sparkling. And it made me think of this which I tucked away a couple of days ago...

Have you heard of first world problems? First world problems are things that annoy us, but that people with real problems would find ridiculous. First world problems are brought about by us having too much stuff, or by our stuff not working quite the way we want. Or something like that.

The Badger's Hut says that : 'These can’t just be modern annoyances or complaints – they must have some manner of venal but pointless decadence to them. Ergo, “my pizza is late” is just irritating; “the pizza tracker is broken so I don’t know when to put my pants on” is a first world problem.'

Anyway... I've seen references to the idea a couple of times. But the Mommy Edition which I pasted below speaks to me! It's from Rants from Mommyland.

Enjoy...

Wish List

2011-12-17T09:07:00.000-05:00

I was telling the story of last Wednesday, but I think the mood is broken so I'll move on, at least for the time being. Maybe I'll come back to it at some point.

I'll tell you instead, about a conversation last night. The Man, The Other Girl, and I were talking and The Man asked us both to tell one thing we'd like for Christmas.A sex toy.

One thing? Crap. How could I choose just one thing? And why did I have to go first?

I thought quickly and couldn't decide. So I tried to squeeze in a bunch and hope he didn't call me on it. She tried to help me out by suggesting I should get one for each night of Hanukkah. Nice huh? Though he didn't really go for it.

So after considerable stalling, I said that though I usually wanted clamps, so I have lots. So I chose heavier weights. I know, crazy right? But there's something very freaking hot to me about weights. No. Not shoes Sir, weights. Smaller weights that can be added slowly, cause slow is good.

And I want a belt. Yes, in the sex toys category.

Interesting to note that when the sub is telling the Dom about things she wants, it's all stuff that most people probably think I should be avoiding. But he asked and I do want it. I'm not usually much into spanking or being beaten or whatever words you want to put on it, but I do kind of want to explore that a bit more. I like being pushed a bit. So, the belt. Nervously.

And pink handcuffs, cause who wouldn't want pink handcuffs?

And a new vibrator, cause I am worried about mine. It's getting elderly, and not as energetic as it used to be.

And... he cut me off. Before I could even say that you can never have too many clamps. Can you believe it?

When we asked him, he said he'd choose a huge dildo. Bigger around than his wrist. Yikes. Would you like lube with that Sir?

He asked her for her choice.

And she said she'd like a webcam, and clamps, and weights too. She clearly liked my Hanukkah approach. More is better. And oh the power of suggestion. I bet she wouldn't have thought of weights without me going first. And would she be sorry she'd picked them? Would I?

And then she said that any gift he gave her would be the gift she wanted most. Sweet huh? And she meant it. Being a Dom is great sometimes isn't it?

And then he said something sweet too, that would utterly destroy his reputation as a bad ass, so I'm not supposed to repeat it. But it was sweet and reassuring and I thought it totally charming.

Nice huh?

Gagging

2011-12-16T06:11:00.000-05:00

He said submit. Knowing I didn't really want to. Knowing I wanted to rebel. Sometimes I think there's more power that way. Though I do get that keeping his fucking foot on the back of my neck to keep me kneeling is a nuisance for him sometimes.

He had me playing with myself with my favourite black vibrator. And I was turning on, making myself submissive. Doing as he wanted.

He was touching his cock. And then suddenly I was wishing I was sucking his cock. Imagining the sucking, the feel of him on my tongue, and the submission of doing it.

He asked me if I wanted it, to suck his cock.

And then suddenly I was kneeling in front of him, and he had me demonstrating on my vibrator.

He stood it straight up, had my curl my hand around it, and then demonstrate how I'd suck the top 3 inches. How I'd love it, caress it, kiss it, rub it on my face.

Then he moved my fingers down, giving myself another inch, having me take it all and then stroke my mouth up and down it. Occasionally, he'd tell me he wanted to see my lips right up against my fingers. And then he'd have me play with the head of the cock for a while.

And then he moved my fingers another half inch, then another and another. And eventually it was too much for me to take it all in my mouth without gagging.

And yet he was still telling me to take it all, to press my lips right up against my fingers, that he didn't want to see any black between my lips and my fingers.

And I was gagging on the cock, trying to fake it, to push my lips out to cover the gap, to use my lips to take up the space that wasn't in my mouth.

(Often blow jobs wind up as fakery don't they? Where we try to fake that we still feel as enthusiastic as we did when we started, we pretend that our jaws or our knees don't hurt. Or that we aren't choking. I pretended that. And I pushed my lips out further, to seem like I was taking more of the cock in my mouth. And I'm sure they know and don't want to that we aren't as enthusiastic after 30 minutes of sucking... )

So he moved my fingers down another half inch and insisted again that I go down to my fingers. And then stay there. As I gagged on it, I came off and he made me go down again. And stay there this time. And as I gagged on it a couple of times and recovered each time, I wondered if I'd throw up and what he'd do if I did.

And whether the power of making me do that, of knowing that I was following his instructions and obeying would outweigh the ick factor.

And then he eased off a little bit and I didn't actually throw up.

Yeah. I guess there was some power and some sex there for him.

Ohhhh, and then in talking about this with him later he said, "Now, let me get this straight, were you trying to hide the fact that you were gagging from me? And why would you do that?"

And I didn't know what to say. Why was I? Simply because gagging isn't attractive? He points out that it's not all about "attractive".

And then he said that surely I knew it was set up so that eventually I would gag. That if I didn't gag that time, he would have lowered my fingers again. And again. Humph. I guess I didn't know that. Seems obvious now though.

So I guess gagging on cock is a desirable thing?

Letting It Go

2011-12-15T06:10:00.001-05:00

This morning when he left to go to the gym he said, "wear the pale pink nightie, the one that barely covers you and wear your collar. Bring the 'birthday clamps', the black vibe, the sex cream." And he said he would be a bit late, which suggested to me that he'd be home about 9:30, at the earliest, so that's what I was shooting for.

And then I noticed a text at about 9:15, from a couple of minutes before, that said call me. I was just out of the shower, so I hadn't seen the text come in. But sitting on my bed in my pale green towel I called.

And he had me wait, first for one thing, then a second, then a third. Each wait was maybe 3-5 minutes. But I waited patiently. Well, quietly, and fairly patiently at least.

And then he said "okay, get up in front of the webcam and show me how you've dressed for me."

Argggg.

I didn't dress for you. Not like this. I got hijacked. I was getting ready and then you said this and then you said that and then you said wait and wait and wait. And this isn't how I was going to be and I don't have the stuff I was supposed to bring and ...

And then he said stop. I want you to submit to me. Get your fucking head around it and give me submission.

So I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, and more importantly closed my mouth over the words that wanted to come out.

A jumble of "this isn't fair", "how the fuck do you expect me...", "you can't just...", and even "god you're a pain when you..." I didn't say any of that.

Instead I said "yes Sir". Murmured. I didn't feel submissive at all. I was annoyed.

Yeah sister I get that you wouldn't have been. Doesn't that just make you the best little subbie in the world? I'm talking about me here.

And I get that the name of the game is pleasing him, so if he wants me in a towel that's what he gets and if he wants me in the pale pink nightie he can make that happen too. Just give him what he asks for right? But there's something about conflicting instructions and not being ready through no fault of my own that stresses me, puts my back up, makes me testy.

And it's hard to make yourself feel submissive when he's staring right at me, knowing that i don't feel submissive.

So he moves me this way and that. The towel falls off and he has me touch myself and I reach way down inside myself and pull out the reserve submission that I keep just for times like this. And I murmur softly and sweetly and work on forgetting that I was annoyed and just being and doing what he wants. Sometimes letting it go is the hardest thing.

Striver

2011-12-14T08:22:00.000-05:00

One of my friends posted this on Facebook and I think it's cool and want to share it with you.

It's a visual Personality Quiz . You click on the pictures that represent you. It's fun; a bit different.

Actually it says DNA and Personality Quiz, but the pedant in me wants to point out that at no time was a skin or saliva scraping taken.

Which is not to say I don't think it's accurate. I actually did it twice, entering some different things in cases where there was more than one right answer for me, or another that was close, some same ones where really there was only one that was me.

And I came up with very similar answers each time. I'm a "striver".

It says I am: Kind-hearted and warm, you're always there for your friends, rain or shine. You have a positive spirit and are generous when it comes to sharing it with those around you. You have tons of infectious energy and lots of natural enthusiasm. You tend to be committed when it comes to achieving your goals in life. You set high standards for yourself and others and like to keep your eye on the prize. Resourcefulness is definitely one of your finest strengths. When you get excited about something, you have the confidence and passion to inspire all those around you. You seem to have a really healthy attitude toward life! It takes a lot to throw you off balance, and you don't let much stress you out...

It came out that way both times even using my different responses. Funny huh? It does sound like me. The rest does too, btw, I just cut it short cause I thought you'd get bored and wander off.

Click on the link and try it - it takes about 5 minutes I think, maybe a bit longer to read the results.

Early Sin

2011-12-13T17:52:00.001-05:00

Once I haven't posted for a couple of days, suddenly it's harder to post anything. Because I feel like I'm supposed to have been working up to something profound. And really I haven't been. I've just been busy, swamped with life stuff.

So... hmmm, let's see.

Oh, I know. I'm spending a lot of time with a young woman who just turned 21. She's pretty and sexy and strong and omg she reminds me of me at 21.

When I was that age, I was engaged to be married to a guy I had been with since 17. The thing that attracted me most to him was that he was smart. I loved that he was smart. When I was in high school, I never exactly played dumb, and I didn't lose at games or anything like that, but smart wasn't hanging around smoking on every street corner waiting to be discovered.

Anyway, I LOVED that he was smart. He was witty and quick and funny and oh, did I mention smart? He was science-y and a couple of years ahead of me in school, though only 6 months older and he tutored calculus. And he was cute, in kind of a skinny way. And he had other great qualities. And he loved me, and found me smart and sexy and fun. So we were together for ages.

And, depending on how nice you wanted to be about it you could say that I was kind of bossy with him, or that I wore the pants, or that I was manipulative or that he was totally pussy whipped. It's true. I bossed him around. I told him what to do and how. I gave the orders and got mad if it wasn't done my way. Sometimes I was a bitch and spent a lot of time belittling him. I'm not very proud of any of it. And he let me. It wasn't an explicit power exchange relationship, it was just me taking control cause he let me, and I didn't like the me I became sometimes with him. I could be quite contemptuous I think, often impatient, and sometimes very belittling. I was a bitch. We had sex on my schedule if at all, and it was clear that he wanted it more than I did.

(You want to bet The Man is reading this just shaking his head in disbelief and horror?)

Anyway, we got engaged, much to my sister's dismay. She tried to talk me out of it, telling me he was a nice guy but nowhere near strong enough for me. I didn't listen. But not long after we got engaged, we went out with his brother and sister-in-law. And I was shocked to watch the sis-in-law contemptuously order his brother around. It was gross. I was embarrassed, for them and for myself. I was ashamed of what I was becoming. And not long after that I broke things off with him.

Hmmm... an early Sin story.

Why raise this? Because this 21 year old woman is so much like me. Her boyfriend is weak, ineffectual. He's a pussy. He lets her boss him around all the time. And she's mean about it, contemptuous. She needs someone stronger.

And yes, I get that there are relationships that do very well with the woman in charge, it's not different from the man in charge. It wasn't for me, but at least I discovered it early.

But the thing is, contempt is a killer. It kills the love.

It's subtly different from humiliation, isn't it? Or maybe I just want to think so?

Safety

2011-12-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about safety in a D/s relationship. Partly inspired by Aisha, writing about it here and here. And it strikes a chord in me (and in many of her other readers obviously).

It seems to me that a D/s relationship, which demands openness, honesty, communication and trust can lead to safety and therefore can use that feeling of safety to exploit some other stuff.

But the foundation has to really be there or it's not going to work.

Gosh, how to explain it? It's complicated and some of it doesn't make much sense.

He asks, he questions, he probes, he listens. I do the same, by the way, it's not just one sided in terms of communication and honesty.

And then he uses all that to make me feel safe.

I do feel safe in the relationship. I feel like there's a deep foundation of safety. I feel like he cares immensely about me. I think that's one of the reasons that the "Daddy" name works for so many D/s couples. It's not about age play, and its not at all about incest, or not usually for most people, it's about feeling safe, secure, and unconditionally cared for.

And then, once he has established that foundation of me feeling safe, secure, cared for, and respected, he can do whatever he wants, he can have me do whatever he wants.

In asking me all about everything he has found the places where I am vulnerable, unsure, easily hurt. He demands more. And then he goes there. He makes me open them up to him, because he's interested but also because there's power there for him. And there's more power for him in the places where it's hardest for me, because we both know that it's harder for me.

But he's created a safe place for me to be opened up in. Hmmm, maybe it's like surgery? It's a very unsafe procedure in a very safe place.

When I started exploring submission, I assumed it was all about sex. When I met my Dom, I was surprised to find that he insisted on a relationship. He wanted more than just to do me. Honestly, I wanted the doing at that point. He wanted to talk, to find out everything about me. I wanted him to tie me up and fuck me and do dark deviant things to me. He wanted so much more.

Information is power. I must have said that a thousand times in the early days of our relationship as I watched him collect information about me, and then watched him start to put it to use. I was amazed at his questions, his use of the data he collected about me. I marvelled at how well he understood me. Years later, it's clearer. He knows women, especially submissive women, and he got to know me. And he's smart and intuitive and invested. And he knows what he wants.

I feel sometimes like he has stripped my skin off. I feel intensely vulnerable, I have no protection left, and sometimes it's very very uncomfortable. And yet I crave it. It feels like I am more alive than ever before. And I am able to let it happen, to open myself up to that kind of vulnerability because I feel safe, secure, respected, cared for.

Pleasing

2011-12-09T06:48:00.001-05:00

In a conversation last night, strictly hypothetical about a three way relationship, he asked me if I doubted my ability to please him.

Absolutely not, I said. I knew I pleased him.

Well, wait, he says. Hear me out here. Cause pleasing Me in that case is much more than sexual pleasure. It also becomes accepting the other girl. Enjoying her. Not getting jealous. Keeping the drama down. Lots more than a one on one.
Still feel you don't doubt it?

Great expectations I say.

Well he says. I just want you to know what pleasing me includes in that case.

Not getting jealous? Um yeah. Okay, I guess I do have doubts.

Point of View

2011-12-08T07:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was really good.

Well, in a way it wasn't.

Looked at objectively, lots of people might not have found much to impress them in my day. Not much privacy, and I'm still sick, or is that sick again?

But I felt happy at the end of it.

I got some quality time with The Man. Even that, looked at objectively wasn't ideal. But we both made the best of it, and I think we both wound up feeling loving and connected and very happy with each other.

And I got most of my shopping done. Kind of unexpectedly found a great store with things I know my kids want, things that I was happy with - outdoor/camping gear at the Scout Shop. Yeah!

And I felt like a great mom for a bit yesterday; my non-reader is reading and thrilled with it, my intense child seems happy. All's right with the world.

No angst.

And my glass that could have seemed half empty seems pretty full.

Caramel Oatmeal Chewy Bars

2011-12-07T08:18:00.003-05:00

Mmmm. My sister used to make these and gave me the recipe she had lovingly perfected. These are amazing. But ... be warned, I think they have 200 calories each. And while you are eating them they seem so worth it!

Yes I know they aren't technically cookies, but trust me on this one.

3/4 cups of oats
1 1/2 cups flour
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 cup butter

1 cup chocolate chips (semi-sweet)
1 cup chopped nuts (optional - or you can add skor bits or dried cranberries or raisins or more chocolate or nothing at all here - doesn't matter they are going to be awesome anyway)

14 oz bag of caramels (yes like Kraft)
1/4 cup of water

Preheat oven to 350. Mix dry ingredients. Melt butter and add to dry stuff to make crumb mixture. Grease a 9 x 13 inch pan and pack all but one cup of crumb mixture into the pan. Bake 10 minutes at 350 degrees. Top with nuts and chocolate pieces.

Peel caramels and melt in microwave or on stove with the water. This is fussy. Try to get your kids to help. It takes longer than you think it's going to so this isn't a great recipe to throw together in the last 20 minutes before your guests arrive.

Melt caramel until smooth. Drizzle over chocolate to within 1/4 inch of edge of pan. Sprinkle on remaining crumbs.

Bake 15-18 minutes.

Cool, chill until chocolate is set and then cut into bars.

Sorry, no picture. Where is my camera?

These will turn your friends giddy with joy (and sugar).

Other bloggers and blogs participating are here (ohhhh pleeeeease let the links work properly!). Go and look, I've only seen a few to this point but they look amazing:

***********************
Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
Krissy
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira

Edit : and late to the party Autumn wants to join...

**********************************************
Yeahhh the links worked - happy baking - make good choices!

Over Sharing on Social Media

2011-12-05T19:45:00.000-05:00

My over-sharing facebook friend has decided to take up tweeting. Sweet. Now if I want I can get her messages about what she is having for dinner on tweets as well as facebook. Tonight she's having frozen pizza btw. I just thought you'd want to know. Last night it was chicken dumplings. Often there's a photo.

Does this woman need a job or what?

Social media like facebook and blogs are all about over-sharing right?

It does occur to me that I over-share stuff too.

My Dom and me this, my Dom and me that. We're good, we're bad, we rock the house.

Sex, pain, fights. I over-share everything.

But... I guess that's what you come for. And you'll have to keep coming here for it, as I'm not thinking of taking up tweeting any time soon.

-sin

Real Life

2011-12-04T12:26:00.000-05:00

I'm working on writing something for my real life.

I'm enjoying researching and writing it, but I'm a perfectionist with some things and this falls into that category. I need to just write it and have done with it.

I need to get it to a point where it's good enough and send it in.

Oh... and did I mention that I procrastinate at the beginning of every project? I think it's a kind of self-sabotage. So that it won't ever stand the chance of being really great, but I can excuse that by saying, at least to myself, "well I left it too long."

Or maybe I'm just lazy?

He's Home!

2011-12-03T15:31:00.000-05:00

Yeahhh!

I'm glad to have him home again.

I think he wonders sometimes while he's gone and when he comes home whether he is somehow hungrier for me than I am for him. Which seems wrong to him from a D/s standpoint.

And it's not true. I've just learned to suck it up a bit and not whine about it.

So I am pleased to see him when I see him, I don't nag or whine or have expectations. I'm not demanding about it.

But that doesn't mean I'm not hungry for him.

I am!

Men in Power

2011-12-02T15:25:00.000-05:00

Men in power positions are hot. They are confident. Arrogant even. Aware of their power and their attraction. They're like beautiful women. They have what people want.

And then of course they overstep. They over inflate their own importance and attraction. They think everyone wants them. They are too arrogant at the wrong time with the wrong people. They push too hard.

Which is why so many of them get into trouble.

Politicians. Sigh. Do they think people aren't going to check?

Yes that girl in your background that you groped or harassed (yes it's harassment) or had an affair with. Yes she is probably going to talk to the press. Why on earth wouldn't she?

And if it's a boy or a man you've been messing with. Get real. It's going to be front page news.

We can all think of so many famous men who've been messed up by women. On both sides of American politics, on both sides of the Atlantic.

In many cases it seems to matter less in Europe, to be more accepted there, but ask French politician Dominique Strauss-Kahn and he'd tell you that it was stupid. Yep. I think he's right. Moreover, the recently released book on him says he believes he was set up. Hmmm, if you are a good candidate for that kind of thing maybe you'd be better off keeping your pecker in your pants?

I think if you want to be a politician you have to only ever have sex with your wife. And she has to want it. And it probably has to be pretty tame. I don't think the North American world is ready to know that our politicians are kinky. Do you?

Maybe we should just elect women? It's a rare woman who is caught in a sex scandal. No, I'm not saying none, but we'd be more surprised at Hillary than we were at Bill. And we were pretty surprised at Bill. Political women don't seem to cheat. I think they are less intoxicated by the power then men. Or that somehow it doesn't turn them on sexually. Or something. I read somewhere that women enter politics to help people, men go into it for the power.

Okay. So what about Obama? He's odd in a different way. Different from all the rest of his genre. I doubt he cheats. He likely isn't allowed. Don't you think it odd though, how asexual he seems? And did he ever have girlfriends or drinking buddies like normal people? Or maybe rumours that there was never a girlfriend before he met Michelle at 29 are just the natural next step after birther rumours? He is so darn clean he makes me wonder. I guess he did/does(?) smoke.

I'm not sure why we care about their sexuality, but we sure seem to. And if we aren't convinced by the first hints of scandal, it does influence the way we think about them.

All of which makes me wonder why anyone would ever subject their lives to that kind of scrutiny.

Maybe it's cause men in power positions are hot?

Devotions

2011-12-01T17:40:00.000-05:00

He's away.

Sigh.

And he left me some tasks so that I'd feel connected to him.

Actually it's a daily devotion involving pain.

Which works some days and doesn't really work on others.

What I mean by that is that some days I do feel devoted, connected to him.

Other days I just try to.

I write up what I feel and send it to him. And he freakin loves it.

That helps enormously. That he loves it. I freakin love that.

Sick Sub!

2011-11-30T21:46:00.000-05:00

No, not perverted sick. Sorry to disappoint you...

I feel sick. maybe a flu bug. I feel feverish. Skin too sensitive. Sinus headache. Coughing a bit.

And I feel pathetic. Weak. Feeble.

And I feel disappointing.

He had given me a task to do. The task involved pain. And nakedness. So therefore it needed some privacy.

It was supposed to have been done today but I had no privacy today. And I had no creative ability to manufacture a way to do it.

My thinking wasn't working. It's all sick and pathetic and feverish.

So I begged off. I asked him to let me off the task.

I think he was astounded. I never do that. But I did today. I needed to.

The task beat me today.

He said ok. I know he wasn't thrilled. But he said fine.

Not what he was hoping for.

Disappointing.

That's my emphasis, not his.

Gosh I was relieved when I found him, asked him, and got permission to not perform the task.

Thank you Sir.

What's That About?

2011-11-29T23:42:00.002-05:00

Spreader

2011-11-28T08:12:00.000-05:00

I have this ongoing fantasy of being spread out on the bed, arms and legs pulled wide and tied tightly, available, a little uncomfortable. And then examined, perhaps exhibited. Humiliated. Eventually used.

I've been tied just that way, and I love it. It's somehow so liberating. Isn't that a bizarre word to use?

And I have another fantasy, opened and restrained using a spreader bar. Which I haven't ever done?Why is it different? I don't know, in my imaginings it's even more exposed. Though perhaps only as he could flip me over or move me. It offers him more control of location or method of inspection or display. And somehow it's a little naughtier as it presupposes that someone has had the foresight to plan and purchase the equipment. Yes, or make it, but there's forethought there too.

I want to be restrained that way, to be spread wide. Used. Humiliated. Offered. Unable to resist in that moment.

Oh it's all consensual. I want to consent. And then I want my ability to resist taken away from me. I want to be used his way.

So ... happy Monday?

What Do You Care?

2011-11-27T23:22:00.000-05:00

Shoes Again

2011-11-26T14:56:00.000-05:00

So, a bit more context?

Yes, Little Monkey is back on the scene as Girl 2. At least she was. Maybe is. It seems to change pretty quickly. I think she is. Sort of. But I'm not sure.

And I like her, and am fine with him having another girl. Though there might be those that would tell you that changes pretty quickly sometimes too. That's true too. I'm not always fine. But today I am.

About a week ago they were playing with clamps. I was mostly watching. Though she points out she was watching me too. She missed an instruction. I knew, even if she didn't that he would punish her for missing the instruction. He wants it the way he wants it, right?

And I wrote the day before yesterday about how sweet she was in accepting it. It doesn't make me insecure about him to note that she was sweet. It's like seeing a sunset, I can admire it and be impressed by it, and not be envious of the sunset. Or something like that.

So his punishment for her was that he clamped her nipple with clover clamps, and clamped the other clamp, attached by a chain, to a running shoe. He sat the running shoe on the desk where she could see it. And after a lecture (how long?) had her push the shoe off the desk. She resisted. Because it's really fucking hard to do something like that to yourself. And eventually she did it.

I have a confession to make, LM. It was me who brought it into his head. He made me provide a list of possible punishments. I think he likes how uncomfortable that makes me. So I wrote up a little list of punishments. And I included in the list, attaching something to the other end of the clamp. NOT something heavy I said. NOT like the shoes. It's like waving a fucking red flag at him sometimes. Why don't I learn? But I didn't think he would take my red flag and use it on someone else. Sorry Monkey. And yes, it's taken me a week to confess.

I was shocked when she told me he had done that. Shocked because it was my suggestion. Or it wasn't. Sigh. Really I didn't offer THAT as a suggestion. But I felt kind of guilty about it.

And then shocked that he'd done that to her? Maybe a little. Because he's been less sadistic with her than with me. Though I know she wants more of the dark side. Which might be one of the reasons he has been less sadistic, wanting her to want it.

And I think he's been kind of gentle with her. In a way. Though I get the shoes don't seem gentle. But he likes her a lot. And there's a friendship there along with everything else. I think. Though I'm not completely sure, because I'm outside their main relationship. But it seems to me that he's nice to her. When he's not being evil.

Aisha commented that she was shocked that he did the shoe thing with her. That she had thought of that as being between the two of us. That it seemed like something just for me.

That made me smile. Some days I know I would be upset that he took some act that had seemed intimate between us and used it with someone else. (And how sweet of Aisha to realize that I could be upset about it!)

But the shoes? Sir, go ahead and play that game with anyone else you please. In fact, if it saves me one shoe session, I will even recruit for it. Anyone else who wants a turn with the sadist and the shoes, please let me know in the comments or by email and I will do my best to set it up. Or maybe you'd like to volunteer a friend? Come on, you know you want to try it...

And I admit there have been times when he's done something with someone where my response was exactly that. "But I thought that was our special thing!" I went looking to see if I had blogged about it. I'm sure I have, though I couldn't find it. And I don't remember the specifics but I have an uneasy feeling that one recent time it was about piss, which is SO not "our special thing" and usually not a thing I want much to do with, and ... well you get my drift. So I can see how you might think that.

But not this time. Maybe part of it is that I don't want the shoes back again. Maybe part of it is that it was a punishment; and I am never envious of punishments. Or maybe it's a guilty conscience, that it was my suggestion (sort of) that was implemented.

Or maybe none of the above. Maybe I'm just okay with it.

Changing Me

2011-11-25T20:59:00.000-05:00

He says:

Sometimes I want to take your cute little smile

and fill your face, mouth, and throat with cock

and watch it change

from cute

to hungry whore

Acceptance

2011-11-24T08:17:00.000-05:00

Sometimes my Dom has another girl.

One of the things I've discovered is that she is more accepting than me of discipline. Maybe easier going in general?

The other night they were playing. She missed an instruction. He called her on it and chided her for it. He told her she had been disobedient. She was very accepting of his scolding.

I would have gotten defensive and probably gotten mad, because it seemed to me that it wasn't wilful disobedience, just an error. Or negligence or lack of focus, but not purposeful disobedience.

I would have fought it. Especially knowing that it would derail the evening, the play. I would have resisted the judgement that it was disobedience. I would have been angry and sulky, partly that I made a mistake and partly that he was bigging it up.

She just accepted. She apologized. She was sweet about it. Submissive.

Guess what? He likes that better.

He didn't say to me, "look, she did this better". It's me that noticed. I was struck by it at the time, and since.

I bet he thinks I'm a big job some days.

Scolding

2011-11-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

Today is all hurry hurry hurry. And I'm not keeping up. I've been scolded twice already. Scolded. Humph.

It's snowy here today. The first day of snow. Nice. Pretty. The kids love it, but it means hassle for the mom.

The buses were going to be late but at least they are running. Late because traffic is horrible, as everyone has forgotten how to drive in it. Late because all the kids are late as their mom's haul out gear, boots, jackets, mitts, hats. Little kids are thrilled. Bigger kids probably excited but a bit more blasé. Snowpants? Oh Mom. No!

There were things He wanted from me this morning and I was preoccupied, doing other things. I knew, when he gave me each set of instructions that things would be tight. That if everything went perfectly I might make it on time to do as he wanted.

But things didn't go perfectly. And he got increasingly annoyed at my lateness. Just a couple of minutes here and there, but throwing him off the tight timetable he had planned.

Today wasn't the day for that. But how to say to him, "This just won't work today." I don't say no, so I just tried my best. And didn't quite make it each time.

He's annoyed. He's scolded me and I hate it. And now I'm behind again.

Now I have to go clean up the broken glass on my bedroom floor. And take a shower. Find my clothes. And be ready for the next time.

"Write Something Sweet for Me" - Part 3

2011-11-22T07:18:00.000-05:00

Here is the last part of my letter to him after his request (order!) for me to write something sweet for him. You'll note, if you read my blog regularly, that some of this is a variation of what I posted on Antonyms about a week ago. That grew out of this letter, and I've left it in here for continuity. It's a bit repetitive, though it's longer there, different here.

The process of writing the letter made me sweeter for him. You know what else? Reading it made him sweeter to me. Who'd have thought it?

Submission. Submission is offering myself and my obedience to you and your control and authority. Submitting is letting go of what I want to give you what you want.

Submission means being compliant to the rules, pliant to you, easy, doesn't it? It means humility, and doing what you want when I don't want it. Sometimes that's hard for me. Humble is defined by what it's not. Not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive. Humble means biting my tongue, shutting the fuck up and just doing. Humble means not making the point I want to make.

Submission is the act of submitting to the authority or control of another. Yeah. I do that. She smiles. I submit to your control. Your authority. We both love that part. I submit to you Daddy. (Isn't it strange, and kind of wonderful, that the Daddy part has grown? I love it, play with it, test it. There's an excitement there. No, still not about incest at all. But... something tender and taboo and loving. A daring in saying "Please hurt me Daddy" or "Please stop Daddy". And knowing you'll do exactly as you please.)

(Btw, the antonyms for submission are: balkiness, contrariness, contumacy, defiance, disobedience, frowardness, insubordination, intractability, noncompliance, obstreperousness, rebelling, rebellion, rebelliousness, recalcitrance, refractoriness, self-will, unruliness, waywardness, willfulness Have you thought all those things about me at times? Okay, I guess I'm not perfect. But I do think I'm improving)

Sometimes I struggle with it. Sometimes I think you feel it's too easy for me, and you want to see more struggle, so you top it up a little. Add another weight to the clamp, make me use my left hand, put my hands behind my back. Sometimes watching me crawl through the barbed wire and the mud makes it better, doesn't it Master? And sometimes crawling through the mud makes it better for me too.

I love submitting to you. Belonging to you. Having you own me. I'm so glad you are my Master, my Dom, my Daddy, my love.

Pain, pleasure, sex? Where are they in this? They certainly aren't irrelevant, but they aren't as essential as I'd have once thought. They are important elements. But could our D/s go on without them? I think so.

I want them, I know you want them. And please don't see this as a request for denial Sir. But I am coming to realize that they aren't the essential components.

You asked me last night if I needed you to hurt me. I said yes. (your other girl said yes too. Interesting how the sadist built that need in both of us?) And I meant it too. I need you to want me, to love me, however that's expressed. I need to connect with you. Often for us that's pain, and so I crave that.

But whatever the way of connecting, as long as it pleases you, fulfills you, I think I'm good with it. If that meant no more pain, no more sex, I'd struggle hugely with that of course, but I'd learn to submit to that too. At least I think I would. I think I'm learning, trying to learn that submitting means pleasing you, getting pleasure myself, by doing things your way.

I think it's a work in progress. Some days I'm more successful than others. Some days we are a better fit than others. But you know Master, even on bad days (okay maybe not the very worst days) we are pretty damn good together.

And after all this, an offering. This email, with it's sweetness is a kind of offering Sir. I do feel it sweet. Do you Sir?

And the second part of my offering, is offered carefully, to not offend, to not take us back to my resistant (recalcitrant?) obedience of last night. Offered so that it's clearly a give and not an accusation. And offered knowing that it might be a red flag, a trigger to you to do more of that with me.

I had another paragraph or two in the body of this letter to you Sir, offering some insight into last night and then I thought that perhaps it detracted rather than added to what I wanted to give to you. I wanted to give you the sweetness you asked for.

Perhaps, in it's reference to last night the added info is critical rather than informational. Perhaps it's negative rather than offering an insight into me. Though I have struggled to make it information that you can use rather than criticism at all. So I'm taking it out. You may have it if you want it.

Or if you prefer not to return to last night, then my offering is not to mention it again.

I love you Master. Thank you for giving me this task. I think it helped. Don't you?

Your submissive

And no, he never did ask for the other paragraphs.

"Write Something Sweet for Me" - Part 2

2011-11-21T07:59:00.002-05:00

This is the middle part of a letter I wrote to him. We were angry with each other, both feeling the other was to blame for a tense day or so. You know that point where you know it's the other person's fault, and you know you should just let it go, but somehow you can't without hauling it all out again? We were there. I was sulking and he told me to write something sweet for him.

The first drafts were attempts at sweet, which kind of meant they were attempts at seeing the discord from his point of view. But they sure weren't letting it all go and just being sweet. The third draft was the beginnings of a sweet, sexy little story. And with this one, I was feeling sweet. It turned into an examination of the elements of our relationship. Kind of a love letter. So, he got what he wanted. And he loved it. Because I think he hoped it would be sweet, and maybe make me sweeter, and it was and did.

Intimacy. Intimacy wraps around trust doesn't it? And knowledge of each other. And belonging. We belong to each other. I belong to you. I am yours, to love and use and command. To count on. Belonging implies an intimacy as well as possession. I am yours, you are mine. I am yours. Yes I wrote that twice on purpose. We belong to each other, but I think I belong to you more? Does that make sense?

Ownership. What comes with that Sir? Obligation? Responsibility? I think those come on both sides of our relationship don't you? Obedience. Caring. Lots of things that go with your collar. I wish I was wearing it as I write this. Monogamy I think. From me. As demanded all those years ago. And Sir, I do know that you didn't actually demand monogamy from me, but you did tell me that your submissive wouldn't have others.

I love belonging to you. I feel treasured, cherished, adored sometimes.

Other times I feel things that are less sweet, less romantic. Darker things. I feel used, owned, humiliated. Most of the time I love feeling those things. I could never have imagined before you that I would love feeling those things or that I could admit that to anyone. You've taught me, shaped me. Changed me I think.

Sometimes I feel angry, resentful that you boss me around. I feel like things aren't fair. I feel like you have shaken up or totally violated my sense of entitlement. I know that's ridiculous. I see you smile. Should subs have a sense of entitlement?

Sometimes I feel jealous. No Sir, not lately, this isn't about K, it's about us. And it's about truth. Sometimes belonging to you, being yours gives me the right(see? entitlement!) to feel jealous. Or makes me feel I have the right. Possessiveness. You are MINE. And though I've accustomed myself to the idea that you'll have other girls, I am stabbed sometimes with jealousy over emotional intimacy.

Belonging to you means a trust that won't hurt me. Actually, I guess I know you will often hurt me but I am certain you won't harm me. I feel safe with you. Safe in a big way, even if anxious sometimes in the moment.

I feel like you'll take care of me. And though I know I can take care of myself, I love this part of you, of us. It's very important to me. I think it's part of the Daddy/little girl part of us, and I love being protected.

Obedience. Obedience is what I do. It's the actions rather than the feelings behind the actions. I obey because it's important to you, because it's my kink, my thrill. I obey because you've trained me to obey, to follow instructions even when I really don't want to. I obey because I just do.

It's not always gracious, sometimes it's resentful. But sometimes, in that action, in the doing of it, I can find the seeds of submission. Sometimes when I focus on submitting, pleasing, giving him what he wants, not just what he's asked for, sometimes it can grow that way.

Communication. Usually there is great communication between us. We work hard at it. We value it, treasure it. You work really hard at understanding me, knowing what makes me tick, seeing inside me, mostly with a view to fulfilling me I think.

I work very hard at knowing you, understanding you, understanding your orders and your desires. With a view to pleasing you and doing as you say.

I think we are a wonderful fit that way, and I love that I can tell you anything, but so much you know without me needing to tell it. Often you'll ask me something, but really it's not for the information, it's to confirm what you knew already.

I love that you want to know everything about me. I want to know everything about you. I want to know everything you've ever thought, done, wanted. I want to be all that to you.

Trust. I trust you. It's a leap of faith that I make each time you ask me about a fantasy, a desire, a need.

It's trusting you with my heart, my body, my sexuality, my mind.

I trust you with my happiness. Tons of my happiness is wrapped up in you. Thank you for making me so happy Sir.

And all that is reciprocated. I know you make that same leap of faith in sharing your fantasies and desires and needs with me. I know that you trust me, as I trust you with your heart, your body, your sexuality, your mind. I know I'm a big big part of your happiness.

All that thrills me.

It's not "fair" but it's so damn good for us And neither of us was looking for "fair" were we?

To be continued

"Write Something Sweet for Me" - Part 1

2011-11-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

We had a dip last week. Oh it wasn't a fight, just a pissy little exchange. About what? Who remembers? And would it have died down or flared higher into a fight? Who knows. The next morning he's certain that he was in the right, and that it was all my fault. I was pretty sure it was his fault, though less vocal about it. Biting back the words and washing them down with a bit of resentment.

"Write something sweet for me" he says on his way out the door, knowing I don't feel sweet. It catches me off guard, as perhaps he intends. I don't start right away. I need to think. To process. To submit to it. I know I'll obey. We both knew that from the start. But submitting to it, actually writing something sweet. Sweet. Sweet is hard to fake. Hard to manufacture. I write a draft. Throw it away and write another. In our relationship sweet means submission, belonging to him, love... it means focus, love, offering. Around the fourth draft I feels I have it right.

I sit and think about sweetness, about submission.

About submitting to you.

I'm proud, honoured, thrilled to be your submissive.

I belong to you.

I contemplate what it means.

Love. Yes it does mean love for us. We've talked about this recently. We both want love with our D/s. And though there was a discussion about whether it's essential I think we both agree that we want love to be a part of our main D/s relationship. Right? And with love comes respect and trust. But trust is bigger than that I think.

Love means that sex comes with tenderness sometimes.

Sex doesn't always mean I love you, even between people who love each other, but for us, the passion often ties in with love.

Somehow love between us can be expressed in pain. It means that you can want to hurt me, and I can want that too, and that both of us can see that as love and connection and one of the strongest bonds I've ever imagined.

Sometimes when I kneel in front of you and you put the clamps on me, and then watch me, touch me, talk to me. Sometimes that feels like such love, and I melt into your hands and we wallow in it. And sometimes it's just darkness from my sadist, isn't it Master?

To be continued...

I Love To Be Included

2011-11-19T09:51:00.001-05:00

This was a big week here in blogger land. I got several notices about getting a VBA - Versatile Bloggers' Award. Hmm, not quite sure where that apostrophe goes.

I love love love that you picked me, that you like me, that you like my blog. Thank you. It means a ton to me that you've included me. Please don't think I'm not extremely flattered.

I'm going to be a drag and not do it though. And here's why.

Here are the rules:
1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

It's number 3. I don't like it. Because I love being included, I HATE being excluded. It makes me feel unloved. It makes me feel like I've been picked last at baseball (the only sport I was actually pretty good at as a kid!). I hate feeling left out. And I know that someone might feel that way from my list.

Yes I could find 15 I read. Some that I love reading. You guys are my friends, my community of choice.

I read lots of you, though not always regularly. Some days I have hours and time and the inclination to read. Some days almost none. Some of you write regularly, daily, and it's almost a cliff hanger and I have to read and find out what happens. Some don't write regularly at all anymore and I wish you did.

Some of you are fantastic writers. I love your points of view, your expression, your creativity. And some of you write blogs that I haven't even discovered yet. But I know I will if you leave a trail back to them.

I value the friendship, the impulse to flatter, to let me know you appreciate me. It means tons to me. I'm not at all blasé about it. Please don't think that.

And 7 things you don't know about me that I'm willing to share?I don't know, I've probably told some of these before... so stop me if you know this already.

1.I'm not allowed to play with my favourite vibrator right now unless I ask permission. He doesn't always say yes. I am allowed to use my fingers or other toys. But... somehow it's not the same. It's my fave for a reason. It's a very smart thing to limit.

2. I'm never allowed to use my clamps unless he gives me permission; not allowed to play with them on my own. That's so that I can only get that fix through him. He wants me to crave them and need him to get the thrill.

3. I'm a librarian. It's what I wanted to be when I was a little girl and it's what I grew up to be. I still think it's about the coolest job going, though it's not really what I imagined when I was 7.

4. I usually read about 6 books at once. A trashy novel, something for work, something political, something about food or diet or religion or child raising, a more "important" novel, maybe a biography. I start them all, like a buffet, and then it's kind of like a race, whichever one appeals the most gets my attention. I love when I finish one of the hard books. That makes me feel accomplished.

5. I love being a mom more than I ever thought I would. I think I'm good at it. I have great kids though.

6. I try to keep kosher. Some days I fall off the wagon.

7. I lost my virginity at 14 to my 17 year old boyfriend, who I still think was one of the sexiest guys ever. He wasn't very nice, but jeez he was hot.

Edit: Linking back to the people who picked me? I do thank you so much for the nice things you said about me. These people have done a ton of work, essentially an annotated bibliography of what they like about these blogs so I do want to link to the specific posts where they do that! I think there's some very good stuff in here!
thesubmissivebf
the training of my lovely slut
Finding Myself
Being Aisha

Some Weeks Are Like That

2011-11-18T20:46:00.000-05:00

I'm living in a computer black hole and I can't seem to climb out.

I've had about 16 different computer problems this week. And it's making me NUTS.

The first thing that happened was that my work network screwed up and randomly just rearranged all my email files. It took them out of the files where I had neatly organized them and dumped them all back in my in-box. About 4000 of them. I was dismayed. That's an immense understatement. And so I asked tech support to help me by restoring an old version of my email. But they took so long to get back to me that eventually they would have been restoring a version from 4 days ago. What would that have done to the emails I had sent and received in the meantime? Eventually, after chasing tech support for 4 days I decided to do it myself without the restore.

And then I got a new computer at work. It's a laptop and the IT guy (not the illusive tech support guy!) installed it while I wasn't there. So there were some things he was supposed to come back and tell me. But he didn't come back.

So I had no bookmarks. None of my links or favourites.

And I couldn't print. Printing might have helped me re-organize all my 4000 emails into files. Or not. Okay 4000 is a lot. Too many - but most of them were information files. Okay, so I'm a file hoarder. It's my shameful secret.

Oh and then yesterday, my work email started bouncing messages. It told the senders (hopefully all of them) though it didn't tell me. This happened to several of us.

With the new laptop I had Outlook 2010. So I had new Outlook, Word 10 and IE 8. Everything was different and hard. Not bad. Not exactly. But unfamiliar and hard.

And then this morning, for no apparent reason, my frickin yahoo email stopped working. I couldn't open any of my emails (except in my spam folder). That was on my home computer! It told me I had temporary error 4. And that if I tried refreshing that might work. Which I did and it didn't. It suggested that I could delete all my cookies and clear my cache. I tried that. No luck. Eventually I gave up assuming it would either come back or not. I tried yahoo from work. And surprise! It didn't work there either. So I sent an error report to Yahoo. About 4 hours later I tried my email again, this time it was working. And there was a message from Yahoo, saying that I should try refreshing or clearing the cache. Thanks guys.

So now... I have my yahoo back, though I think I am still missing some emails that didn't come.

I have my work email working again, though all the emails are NOT back in files. Okay, about 20 of them are. Only 3980 to go.

I can print and I have my favourites back. And my photos. And I'm getting used to new Outlook. And I've lost a week of work. Oh well, I guess it will all still be there next week.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Savouring the Good

2011-11-17T07:58:00.000-05:00

Things are good between my Dom and I these days.

Let's just take a moment to savour that, shall we?

I know there are some of you who think we fight alllllll the time. We do fight, I admit, but probably not as much as it seems here.

We actually spend lots of time very happy and contented. Pastoral?

Sometimes it's better than that. What I think of as completely connected to each other. Where we finish each other's sentences. Where we just adore each other. Where we can't get enough of each other. We're like that now.

I'm sure from the outside it's like watching high school kids enthralled with each other. A little too much public display of affection and beyond that, kind of dull.

But for us, living it on the inside, it's the thing to strive for in our relationship, the thing that hooks us. There's passion here, fireworks of a good kind, excitement, need and a desire to please. Umm, I do think he wants me pleased too, so I'm leaving that in, though probably more of that need to please comes from the sub side to the Dom.

He says I shouldn't tell you that he dotes on me, that it will ruin his rep as Big Bad Dom. So I'm not saying that. He's pretty loving though. He's tender, he's sweet.

And he's still a bad ass. The Sadist is still there, he doesn't just come out to play when things are rocky. Not at all. He's often there in spades when things are very good between us.

An example?

Tuesday night we were chatting. Loving. Pouring virtual honey on each other and licking it off. He had me get up and put on the nipple suckers and put them on "tight". So I put them on tight, so they pull my nipples way into the suckers and he likes that.

Then he tells me to lie back down again. On my tummy. And my tits. And those suckers. I fuss with them, trying to find a way that's comfortable that doesn't pull them right off me. And there's nothing of course. It's impossible. I wind up kind of perched on my elbows, balanced on the suckers which are right underneath me, digging into my tits.

And we chat for a bit.

After a while he says to me, you seem tense, tired? Really?? Tense? You think so Sir?

And when he took them off, he had me pull them off rather than breaking the seal and easing them off. My tits were all red from lying on them, and the suckers digging in and sucking and hurting and he has me pull the suction fuckers off. Ouch.

All as a prelude to our day together yesterday.

And still it all makes me feel adored. Treasured. Loved. Really.

What Do Doms Get?

2011-11-16T08:56:00.001-05:00

I must have written about this before. Surely I've written about all of it before. But I was looking through someone's archives (looking for cookie recipes believe it or not, so I was back in the archives of last December) and this caught my eye and my attention.

What do Doms get out of our exchange?

I see things from the submissive point of view most often. I feel safe, cared for, desired, pleasing. I feel loved.

And I get that it's not really unconditional. I feel all those things as long as I do what I'm told, do what's expected of me.

I also discover things I never really knew about myself. I get to know myself more deeply. Perhaps this is why some of us come to this so late in our lives.

What does he get?

I think he gets love, power, sex. He gets to exercise his dominance. There's an ego stroke for sure, pride, fulfillment. He gets to try new stuff, he gets to live his fantasies. I think he gets to experiment.

He gets a project; he shapes me the way he wants me. Does that make him an artist or a project manager? Or a scientist?

He shapes our relationship to try to leave me better, happier, more successful and more satisfied with my life than he found me. He does this with me, and I watch him do it with others too. He's not a social worker, but there's a tiny bit of that in there. He's a leader who likes the power but genuinely wants to improve too.

And he's searching for himself too, trying to understand himself, just as I am trying to understand myself.

In her post, Aisha said:
"i don’t think the answer is that our growth benefits them. It may do that, but i can’t believe that’s what their part of the relationship is about. That would make them two-dimensional – props in our universe. That can’t be right.

Even if their role is as leaders or guides – you know, being a therapist myself, i know that i grow from my experience in relationship with my clients. And the therapist-client role is supposed to be uneven, is supposed to be all for the benefit of the client. But that can’t be true. If i’m not growing, then i’m not really in relationship. If i’m just sitting back manipulating growth for my client, i’m not doing what i need to be doing.

(Note: That doesn’t mean i ever talk about my problems or my current issues with my client. That’s not how it works either.)

So if me-as-therapist also engages and grows through the relationship, then i believe that’s true for Doms as well.

If i extend that analogy – as therapist, i’m always watching myself as well as my client. Checking myself. How did i respond – and what does that say about me? Is there a sore spot of my own here? Did i really understand? That kind of self analysis.

And through that, i grow. Through my clients’ reactions, i learn things about myself. i learn from their insights. i learn from their struggle – but i have to turn it around and see how it applies to me. i can’t just be an observer, i have to grasp it and pull the ideas, the thoughts and feelings into my own life."

I think she has it right here.

And I think I'm his project. But in shaping me, helping me grow, discovering myself, he discovers himself too, and grows as well.

Oh. And then there's the whole sex and power thing. Did I mention that?

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011

2011-11-15T19:35:00.000-05:00

So every year Rori from Between My Sheets does a list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of the year. It's based on her assessment, with an esteemed panel of judges, of who the best sex bloggers are. She has criteria, you can go and read about them there.

And guess what? I made the list. Me me me!

Sorry, lost my cool there for a minute, but an accurate reflection of how thrilled I am.

I'm number 43!

Lots of my friends are there too, I know you'll want to check for your faves. So I've reposted it here.

So... if you're wondering what to do with any spare time, go check out Rori and her blog and the list!

And thank you to those who nominated me.And to Rori and her judges.

Here it is in it's entirety:

Guy New York (@quickiesnewyork) and The Dirty Gentleman from Quickies in New York
Charlotte Times (@charlotte_times) from The Life and Charlotte Times
Kendra Holliday (@TBK365 and @beautifulkind) from The Beautiful Kind
Amie Wee (@crevicecanyon) from Crevice Canyon
Riff Dog from Ashley and Me
Catherine Toyooka (@Catcoaches) from Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator
Vineyard Road (@vineyardroad) from Vineyard Road
David from A View from the Top
Quizzical Pussy (@quizzicalpussy) from Quizzical Pussy
Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life
Dick and Jane from Dick-n-Jane
EA (@easilyaroused) from Easily Aroused
Axe (@unspeakableaxe) from Unspeakable Axe
Joan Price (@JoanPrice) from Naked at Our Age – Better Than I Ever Expected
Oatmeal Girl (@oatmeal_girl) from Submission & Metaphor
Dark Gracie (@darkgracie) from Dark Gracie
Mistress Lilyana (@MistressLilyana) from Mistress Lilyana
Kyle Jones (@butchtastickyle) from Butchtastic
Cheeky Minx (@LoveHateSexCake) from Love Hate Sex Cake
Adam from The Mind of a Married Man
Dr. Marty Klein (@drmartyklein) from Sexual Intelligence
Lady Pandorah (@ladypandorah) from Lady Pandorah’s Sanctuary
Holly (@pervocracy) from The Pervocracy
Brooke from Puppy Tales
Lady Dragonfly (@miladydragonfly) from Lady Dragonfly
nilla (@swirlednilla) from Vanillamom’s Blog
Wilhelmina Wang (@wilhelminawang) from Heartbreak Nymphomania
Holden (@packingvocals) from Packing Vocals
25 Things from 25 Things About My Sexuality
Thumper (@thumperMN) from Denying Thumber
Kake (@poeticerotica) from Poetic Erotica
Lucas (@top2bottom) from Top to Bottom
Ms. Diane D from Bi and Large – Cuckolding with a Twist
Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross (@dodsonandross) from Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross – Sex Information Online
Kat from Prowling with Kat
The Gentle Nibbles Writing Team (@gentlenibbles) from Gentle Nibbles
Pandora (@pandorablake) from Spanked, Not Silenced
Molly (@mollysdailykiss) from Molly’s Daily Kiss
Vixen from Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen
DDD from Dick Dyke Dick
Jade (@piecesofjade) from Pieces of Jade
Jiz Lee (@jizlee) from Jiz Lee
Sin from Finding My Submission
Kris from The Phone Courtesan
SapioSlut from SapioSlut
Rockin’ (@RockinwithaCock) from Light Switch
Rachael (@rabbitwhite) from Rachel Rabbit White
Neo Dom Tom from A Bedroom Dom
Daisy Danger (@daisydanger) from The True Life Sex Adventures of Daisy Danger
Violet & Rye (@UCAppetites) from Uncommon Appetites
Kaya from Under His Hand
Lilith (@lilith9465) from Lilith Land
Lady Grinning Soul (@LadyGrinSoul) from Lady Grinning Soul
Septimus from Dirty Art by Septimus
Roxy (@sroxy) from Uncommon Curiosity
Anakin (@AnakinDarth) and Padme (@padmeamidala) from Journey to the Darkside
Dr. Charlie Glickman (@charlieglickman) from Adult Sexuality Education
Lily from theblackleatherbelt
Arabella (@askarabella) from Bombshells & Rockstars
SN from Peel It Off!
Bre from Owned, Collared, Loved
Adriana Ravenlust from Of Sex and Love
Delilah (@definingdelilah) from Defining Delilah
Arthur and Annabelle from Lust and Confused
Lorelei (@suggestive) from Suggestive Tongue
Kitty Stryker from PurrVersatility
Mollena (@Mollena) from The Perverted Negress
Naughty Lexi from Exploits of Lexi
Karen Blue (@kissinbluekaren) from Kissing Blue Karen
Arti (@ArtiAbsinthium) from Absinthe Cocktail
Figleaf (@talkingfigleaf) from Real Adult Sex
Miranda and Aarron from The Swingers Attic
Blacksilk (@BlacksilkBlog) from Blacksilk’s Boudoir
Violet (@violetscreaming) from Screaming Violet
Ferns (@Ferns__) from Domme Chronicles
SlipperyWhnWhet (@SlipperyWhnWhet) from A Slut’s Memoir
Fruit Taster (@fruittaster) from Fruits of Libido
Mrs. Discontented (@DiscontentedMrs) from Mrs. Discontented
Aisha from Being Aisha
Ruby Ryder from Pegging Paradise
Chrystal Bougon from Better Sex Radio
Lipstick Lori (@lipsticklori) from Rarely Wears Lipstick
CarrieAnn (@CarrieAnn_) from A View from the Floor
Dangerous Lilly (@dangerouslilly) from This Could Be Dangerous
Electronic Doll (@electronic_doll) from Post Modern Sleaze
Jerome from Let’s Talk About Sex
Dusk (@dusk_in_chains) from Dusk (in chains)
Innocent Loverboy (@innocentlb) from Innocent Loverboy
RHS from The Redheaded Slut
Violet Blue (@violetblue) from Tiny Nibbles
Amy (@AnalAmy) from Anal Amy
Curvaceous Dee (@curvaceousdee) from Curvaceous Dee
Jason Stotts (@Jstotts) from Erosophia
Mistress Kay (@mistress_kay) from Kinky World
Viemoira from Cavern of the Beast
Lucid (@lucidobsession) from Lucid Obsession
♀ & sss (@sweatshopsissy) from Sweat Shop Sissy
Kat from She Makes the Rules
Yummy from Sexual Adventures of a Married Woman
YOU! – As always, I want to leave a place on this list for ALL the awesome sex bloggers out there! So please leave a comment with your name/URL to tell us about your sexy blog!

Cookies - Part 2

2011-11-15T08:06:00.000-05:00

Last year we had a cookie exchange. I know... how girly. But it was fun. Really. And even sex bloggers like cookies.

Til I tried to make SFP's almond cookie thingies (bittersweet chocolate biscotti). See here for the story. Sooooo not beginner cookies. But I learned some stuff and they tasted fantastic. My family ate every bit of them, even all the crumbs. And there were lots of crumbs. They want me to make them again. This year I'm allocating more time.

I'm digressing (gosh who could even imagine such a thing?).

I'm supposed to be talking about this year's cookie thing.

Jz, last year's organizer, wants to do it again. And she has a plan. Go look at her blog for more details.

If you are interested in participating, send her an email at 1reluctantbitch@gmail.com before December 5. Include your name and the title of your blog. (Isn't that the best email address ever? I'm envious.)

She will make a giant list of everyone who is participating.

Holiday treat recipes are to be posted on December 7.

If you don't have a blog, I would be happy to post your recipe here. And even give you credit.

Antonyms

2011-11-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

I was writing about submission for The Man.

Because I was unsubmissive and knew it.

I was obedient. Crossing the i's and dotting the t's. Oh, it's the other way round? Whatever.

So there I was thinking about submission. Submission. Submission is offering myself and my obedience to you and your control and authority. Submitting is letting go of what I want to give you what you want.

But you know, it's such an intrinsic part of my world that maybe I don't really understand it any more. So I went to look it up. On Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary. What did we do before the internet?

It tells me that Submission is "the condition of being submissive, humble or compliant". Compliant means easy, doesn't it? At least in my world. Humble is doing what you want when I don't want it. Sometimes that's hard for me. If we look further, humble is defined by what it's not. Not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive. Humble means biting my tongue, shutting the fuck up and just doing. Humble can mean not making the point I want to make.

Submission is the "act of submitting to the authority or control of another". Yeah. I do that. That made me smile. I submit to his control. His authority. We both love that part.

And then I get to the antonyms or opposites for submission. They are: balkiness, contrariness, contumacy, defiance, disobedience, frowardness, insubordination, intractability, noncompliance, obstreperousness, rebelling, rebellion, rebelliousness, recalcitrance, refractoriness, self-will, unruliness, waywardness, willfulness.

Yeah, I bet I've been or done all those things at times. I bet He thinks so. I bet even you guys think so.

Wait now. Let's see.

Balkiness. Well, not really. It means refusing to act as expected or directed. I'm slow to act occaisionally, but I don't actually balk.

Contrariness. Absolutely never. Okay, maybe occaisionally.

Contumacy. What's that exactly? Stubborn resistance to authority. Specifically wilful contempt of court. Umm. Yes.

Defiance. Definitely.

Disobedience. Not regularly. Though I have been.

Forwardness? Is that a mistake? A typo in M-W? Nope. Frowardness - habitually disposed to disobedience and oppostion. Well. Not habitually.

Insubordination. See above - rarely to the point of disobedience.

Intractability. Yes. Noncompliance. Yes.

Obstreperousness. Which means clamorous or noisy. Which I'm not. Oh second meaning. Stubbornly resistant to control. Sometimes.

Rebelling. Rebellion. Rebelliousness. Yes. Yes. Yes. But not all the time she says in her defence.

Recalcitrance, funny, I'm at the point of looking everything up now, looking for shades of meaning. It means obstinately defiant of authority or restraint. Or difficult to manage or operate. Sigh. I am probably both of those things at times.

Refractoriness, resisting control or authority. Yeah. Sometimes.

Self-will, stubborn or wilful adherance to one's own ideas. Obstinate. I'm sure he thinks so sometimes. Funny how each time I read obstinate I feel like they are talking specifically about me?

Unruliness. Not readily ruled, disciplined or managed. It's a big job some days isn't it Sir?

Waywardness. Following one's own capricious, wanton or depraved inclinations. Jee. I think I follow his capricious, wanton and depraved inclinations. Ungovernable. I'm governable. So no.

Willfulness. Obstinately and often perversely self-willed. Hey, who are they calling perverse. Yes.

And yes I'm pretty sure he's thought most of those words about me at times. Okay, I guess I'm not perfect. But I do think I'm improving.

I think that children, particularly girls, used to be brought up with the idea of submission as a virtue, to adults, to authority, eventually to their husbands. And now? I think lots of them are still considered virtues aren't they?

Sometimes I struggle with submission. Sometimes I think he feel it's too easy for me, and wants to see more struggle, so he tops it up a little. Adds another weight to the clamps, make me use my left hand, makes me do it with my hands behind my back. Sometimes watching me crawl through the barbed wire and the mud makes it better for him. And sometimes crawling through the mud makes it better for me too.

I love submitting to him. Belonging to him. Having him own me. Even if I'm not perfect at any of it.

So What's New?

2011-11-13T08:34:00.000-05:00

It's been a very "unsubmissive" week here. Not because I've been bad, but because The Man has been busy with real life stuff. And I've been a good sport, and good about being a good sport too, if you know what I mean.

And it means that the D/s stuff gets pushed aside, as does all the non-essential stuff in our lives when we hit a time and attention crunch. I understand that. I'm not a teenager, not new to the idea of relationships, and it's not a new relationship either. Maybe I've earned some relationship points there for being sweet about it, though being too eager to have them acknowledged defeats that right?

So what's been happening?

Well, I've done tons of reading. Which I love.

I've done some painting. Which I loved doing at the time. A girlfriend and I painted at her house. We drank gin and tonics and painted in her garden and had a wonderful afternoon stroking paint on canvases. It was fantastic. Til suddenly the sun went in and we were so cold we were literally running back and forth to get the stuff back into the house, frozen and giggling.

I took the painting into my office this week to hang it there and you know what? I'm not sure I love it that much. It's a good reminder of that afternoon, but the painting itself isn't great. Yes I'm critical of my stuff. I'm allowed to be. I think I'm going to swap it for another one I have here, where I'll be less critical of the painting, and more able to appreciate the memory. And at work I'll have one where I like the painting but don't really notice it anymore in it's current location.

Yoga. Loving it. It's so good for me.

I had one of those moments this week where I realized I'd forgotten to do something. Kind of like in school where you'd suddenly realize you've forgotten to do an assignment. Yikes. Gotta get on it. At least I realized in time.

I got Firefox. It's still mystifying me. I think it's good. But then there are things that are just different you know. And somehow different isn't great when it's on my screen! Not that I'm a Luddite. Am I?

My family life. Up and down. Good and bad. Satisfactions and frustrations. Life as usual right?

I've done girlfriendy things with girlfriends. So nice.

Work sucks. I hope it gets better.

And yes, I've had the blues. But trying to fight them. With friends and exercise and meditation and reading and creativity. See? I do know what to do. The light boxes were a great idea. I think I'll look into getting one. Thanks for that.

And soon I'll have my Dom back from VanillaWorld. That will be nice. I'm looking forward to it.

-sin

Blues

2011-11-12T12:25:00.000-05:00

What do you do to chase away the blues?

I get the blues soooo badly in November. It's cold, and it's dark. It drizzles.

And it feels like crappy dismal weather will go on forever.

So what do you do?

Inspire me?

Remembrance Day

2011-11-11T07:48:00.000-05:00

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada. A day when we honour those who served. I was going to post a poem, but then I thought I'd write about remembering my Dad.

George Santayana said that those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. I think that means that we should know it, study it, and think about how big the sacrifices they made were in order that some day we'll be finished going to war over things.

My Dad fought in the Second World War.

Which was one huge war, in the history of wars that creates the history of our world.

I think it shaped his life, his character, as it shaped the world around him. It changed the whole world. Something that's hard for us to remember these days. It went on for years, stealing 6 years of their lives, their time, their youth, their friends.

He lived in England, and was 17 when the war broke out. He was in the RAF, the Royal Air Force, and he flew in bombers for 6 years. Many of his friends died. Most of the men who did that job died. Year after year, hundreds of them died. They weren't unique, so many young men died.

And around them, others died, people died in London during the Blitz, they died in Europe of course, they died in the Pacific.

They suffered cold and hunger, during the war and for years afterward to pay for it.

It shaped their lives.

He was young during the War.

And then after the War he wandered, left England. Worked in a dozen jobs in a dozen places. He was an old Dad, almost 40 when I was born. He was strict and stern. He didn't have much sympathy for the boys I dated.

I think the War took his youth as it stole the youth and lives of his generation. I think he considered that he was lucky to have lived. Maybe he thought about being lucky to be on the winning side. I know he was proud of what he'd done, proud of what they'd done.

I know, although he never talked about it. Occasionally I'd overhear a story when he was with the friends that he flew with during the War. Or if I'd ask him, for some school project, he'd say yes, he was cold and tired and scared. Yes they went to parties. Yes his Mom was worried. He made jokes about the privations of war. He didn't talk about when his friends died. There was lots he didn't talk about, wouldn't talk about.

It was odd growing up in a military household in the peace loving 60s and 70s. The world wasn't proud of them then.

But I was always proud of him, of them.

I grew up with the idea that war was bad and hard and often wrong. But that some things were worth fighting for, worth dying for. I remember, as a child, wondering what things could be so important they would be worth dying for, or killing someone for. And that we should be proud of the decision made by those who were prepared to pay that ultimate price.

Around this time of year, I love that the world slows down, if only for a moment to remember the people who served, who gave what they had, and in so many cases, they gave everything, to save the world for us.

Remember When...

2011-11-10T07:32:00.000-05:00

Hee hee. This makes me laugh every time I see it.

I've felt swamped this week. I promise more real posts soon. Soonish. Pretty soon.

Orgasms in His Pocket

2011-11-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

Monday morning The Man showed up while I was masturbating.

He interrupted me. And then I didn't have time to finish. Okay, actually as I recall, I did make time.

And then he took away my permission to masturbate and cum. In his words he "controls my sex".

I get that some of you love that, denial, someone limiting, managing your sexuality.

I feel very ambivalent about it.

Yeah, I like denial a tiny bit. I admit it. It can be steamy, can't it?

And I like that in our relationship he has the power to do this. And I also like that he doesn't do it all the time.

What I don't like is that sometimes when it happens, I wonder if it's something he values.

Cause if he values it, if it's important to him that he's holding my orgasms in his pocket, like a gemstone (or at least a shiny polished rock), if he takes that out and examines it, rubs his fingers over it, treasures it, then that's fine. Better than fine really.

But if it's something he takes and then forgets about, doesn't care or seem to care, then I hate it.

And I never know which way it's going to be. Whether it's the focus of his attention or not.

And I have no control over which one it's going to be. Besides nagging. Sort of negative control, right.

Take right now... he took control of them on Monday morning. Monday and Tuesday he paid close attention to me and my sexuality. I kind of liked it. In a wary way.

Today he's busy. He got me off earlier. And now he's busy and will be for the rest of the day.

It's my worst fear. He's got my orgasms in his pocket and he's wandered off to his real life. And I think he's forgotten he's got them.

It's one day, one afternoon. No big deal. And this is the post I was going to write anyway. Not knowing that this would happen.

One day out of our relationship. And he's got my orgasms in his pocket. And he isn't thinking about me at all.

And the thing is, that when he reads this, he'll kind of like that. He'll feel in his pocket then, brush his fingers over my obedience, my sexuality, and like it.

Procrastination

2011-11-08T08:24:00.002-05:00

Controlling My Sexuality

2011-11-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

I've been away, just for the weekend, but we had almost no contact while I was away.

When I came back there were instructions waiting for me. I was going to masturbate for him. Dress in a slutty nightie, wear my collar, bring my favourite toy. I was to read a dirty story while he watched, and get off.

I think he wanted to control my sexuality again.

I think he wanted to ensure that I was sexual - because sometimes when we are apart I kind of lose interest. Though I'm not sure that was the case this time. But perhaps he just wanted to be sure.

So he wanted to ensure that I was sexual and that I felt his control. And that he felt it as well. And saw it. And could take advantage of it.

He chose a story for me and he'd read it before, at least far enough to know the general subject matter. Chastity belt. Yikes.

I bet he'd like me in a chastity belt. Dependent on him for any kind of sex.

I wouldn't. I'm so bad at having to ask nicely. I'm great at showing up sexy and seducing, but asking, begging, really not so good. I hate the humiliation of having to ask, knowing I'm dependent.

So yes I got my masturbation. I wore this totally slutty nightie, that's too see-through, too short, too low, too tight, and he pulls it up and down so it covers nothing at all, but just looks even sluttier. And he moved me this way and that, posing me, watching me, ordering me, until finally I was ready to cum.

I asked permission, as always. And, this is rare, but he didn't give it right away.

I had been masturbating with my favourite vibe, and when he didn't immediately say no, I pulled the vibe away. It was either that or go over and cum without permission. Long pause, and eventually he did say yes, but by then it was gone and I had to go search for it again.

I did find it eventually and had a sweet little orgasm. And thanked him nicely as he likes.

I went to bed not long after, and woke up wanting more this morning.

Sound like mission accomplished? Yeah, me too!

More Love

2011-11-06T09:39:00.000-05:00

He read my blog and disagreed with my statement from last time that D/s means that I love and am loved.

He points out that before he came along I was virtually whoring my way around the internet with no love but lots of sex and submission. Well that's true. He points out that I not only wasn't looking for love. He makes me remember that I didn't want to have anything to do with love. And that love is what I feel with him, but not necessarily what I felt or would feel with anyone else that I had some D/s with.

Okay. Point(s) taken.

There could certainly be D/s sex without love. There could be that thrill of being told and doing without there being love. Yeah. I agree.

And while I wasn't looking for love, was afraid of finding love, that in a way I wanted it too. And I would say that I tried to nurture that kind of feeling with the few short lived relationships I had with Doms before Big Bad.

The comments on my last post on Love were great, and helped frame my thinking on this. Hmmm... as much as they are framed. Honestly I think this one is like trying to nail jello to a wall.

Remittance Girl commented, "To me, the idea of trusting someone enough to give them that power over me and not being in love with that person seems... untenable." Yessss. There's something there isn't there. To give someone that power, I must be at least a little in love with them, and they with me. Because otherwise, it would be too dangerous maybe. So it's a safety net? Yes. There's really something that resonates there with me.

Maybe that's the D/s equivalent of needing to be in love with someone you have sex with.

Because though I really wasn't looking for love, I was kind of trying to find it. I wanted my Doms to care about me. To like and care about me as a person. I wanted them to want me too, and to find power and satisfaction in my obedience. But I needed them to care about me. Otherwise, there would be something unseemly in it.

Is that about respect? Maybe.

LittleMonkey said that perhaps it was easier for men than for women to be involved in D/s and not feel love for their partner. Perhaps that's true. I think women tend to look for love, to justify with love. But I think there are other factors too. I think that there's something that ties up the bottom in bonds of love. We obey so we love. Or something like that.

Aisha says that submission is love in action. Ummm. I bet it is for her. But for me it's more about a way to have sex. A way of framing a relationship in a very very sexual way.

Is there cause and effect with openness and vulnerability, intimacy and intensity? Jeez, I don't know. I kind of think there must be.

And yet, how can all that stuff happen, how can you be that open with someone when you love them? How can that develop with someone you love? Aren't you terrified of losing them? Aren't you afraid they will be horrified and turn away?

I think that love develops by doing, by acting loving. I certainly think that habits can shape belief, in many different ways. Or, more truthfully, love can develop by doing, or resentment and hatred can develop.

Does it matter if it's really love or just some kind of intense physical response? I don't know. I think that if it feels like love, and manifests like love, then maybe it's essentially the same thing.

And does it matter? Does any of this matter to what I feel? Not really. I feel what I feel. And I'm likely to go on feeling it for the foreseeable future. And sometimes I just wonder why or how or what makes it that way. I'm introspective about my D/s. But really I think it's just the exercise of nailing jello to the wall, just to see if I can make it stick.

Love

2011-11-04T08:11:00.000-04:00

Does D/s mean I love you?

It sounds like a simple question. No D/s doesn't necessarily mean love, though it can.

And D/s doesn't repair a marriage or a relationship, any more than a baby would in my opinion. Though both work for some people, some relationships. Those are the rare lucky ones I think. Those happy families who discover Domestic Discipline and suddenly a marriage that was old and stale becomes fresh again. All the things they always loved about each other are back in a new context and the marriage is saved. Yeahhh!

If one person wants to try D/s and the other one doesn't then it can create a rift. If I want it an my partner doesn't, what do I do? Suck up the lack or look elsewhere for it? Or if he wants it and I don't I think he's a pervert right? Like those couples where she thinks he is disgusting because he watches porn. Nasty.

I think that where D/s exists, it can create love. It can create a such a strong connection between the two (or more) people. There's some kind of magic, some kind of alchemy that happens. That takes two ordinary people and creates an extraordinary passion.

How else to explain it? Why else would I feel such an immense desire to please him? And is that love or magic or fascination?

For me, making him unhappy, displeased, disappointed, is it's own little punishment. Left on my own, I'll almost always seek to correct that as soon as possible. I think it's self policing. Let me know what you want, and I'll try to give it.

Be explicit with me about what you want, and I'll try to do it.

Let me know that you are pleased with what I did, and I'm thrilled. Those "good girl" strokes, are strokes worth seeking for me. And while I don't perform for them, I love receiving them. I would never have imagined that I would. And yet from the very first time someone said "good girl" to me, I was thrilled. Although secretly, inside I thought, "omg I can't like this! The other feminists can never know this!" But I do love it.

I know that some people have very strong ideas about D/s and love. To some, it seems essential that there be love, to others it seems obvious that love would make the D/s less pure.

I guess everyone is different. And I know which way it is for me.

For me, I think D/s means there's love. For me, I think I need love in order to feel that my D/s is working.

Hmmm... I have tons more to say and no more time. Stay tuned.

The Letter of the Law

2011-11-02T06:45:00.002-04:00

When your Dominant gives an order does he expect you to obey the letter of the law or the spirit and intent of it?

If mine gives an order he expects me to follow the specific wording of what he has said, the letter of the law. Especially at first he doesn't want me putting my overlay on it, interpreting what he wants, he just wants me to do exactly what he says.

If he says to wear high heels and he's told me to go to the park, and I can tell that heels at the park isn't appropriate, I'll probably wear them anyway. He might not really want that combination of things, but it's what he's said so he probably does. Maybe some game with "inappropriate". And if he's forgotten that he told me to wear high heels on a day where he sent me to the park, at least doing what he said will mean that I get points for obedience.

He doesn't need it to be unquestioning obedience. I am encouraged to ask questions. "Sir, did you really mean for me to do this?" I can ask before, during or after. And he'll almost always answer.

He loves the beauty of having his instructions followed exactly. He loves that if he says do 3 jumping jacks before you start, he knows that I'll do them. If he tells me to masturbate that day before midnight, he doesn't mean "if convenient". He means do it and if you think you absolutely cannot, then find a way to tell me that. If he sends me to the store for something, he doesn't mean it's fine if you have it in the fridge to use that. He means go to the store.

He loves having a set of orders followed exactly. Like a treasure map or a mathematical equation it matters what comes first.

So what if something isn't the way he thinks it is and I know something he doesn't that makes the instruction impossible or impractical or I just can't? Then I better find a way to tell him as soon as possible after he gives the instruction or even before if I know it's coming. And if he has given it, then I need to tell him as soon as possible to try to have it modified. Like if he's sending me to the park in high heels and I don't have time because I'm late, I need to tell him that. If he's sending me to the park in high heels and it's January and there's 3 feet of snow and even the path isn't plowed, I need to tell him that, and maybe he'll wait til spring or maybe he does want me teetering through the park in heels in snow (in which case I'd want to wear old ones).

What if he tells me to do something every hour on the hour and it's embarrassing or exposing? Then I better make sure that I'm somewhere no one sees me. He expected it to be challenging when he gave it, and it's up to me to make it work.

So what if, like an example from a month or two ago, he wants me to pull over and masturbate (or talk) on the way to work? He'd usually ask me about my schedule, my logistics before doing that. He'd usually know if I was busy. But if he hadn't, and I had a meeting I'd be late for, with my boss or a colleague or even a friend, I'd tell him and he'd postpone whatever it was he wanted. He's not so inflexible he won't bend to commitments that came first in time.

What if it's dangerous? Then I need to tell him that and he'll modify it. He won't put me into danger, and he doesn't expect me to go there without protest. He wants me safe above all.

Oh and he loves numbers. And if he gives a number, he intends for that number to stand. If he says to bring myself almost to orgasm 3 times he doesn't mean at least 3 and that 4 would be even better. He means 3. I know, because I've been there before, and gotten in trouble for that. But only once I think, as that message was pretty clear. 3 means 3. More isn't better.

But surely he wants me to think for myself. Ummm. Sometimes. He likes that I can of course. And he doesn't run every single thing in my life, not by a long shot. He likes that I'm smart and successful and have a professional career. But he wants me to do what he tells me. That's his kink, his joy even. He wants me to follow his orders.

If it was up to me, I would lean more towards following the spirit and intent of what I believe he wants. It seems to me that would be a more mature, sophisticated way of dealing, of interpreting, of ensuring that he gets what he wants. But that's not what he wants. He wants what he says, and even where it turns out that following what he says leads us to someplace different from what he wanted, he wants the path followed anyway. His way.

Plenty

2011-10-31T08:33:00.000-04:00

I wonder sometimes if he and I will suddenly run out of things to say, games to play. I wonder if we'll wake up one morning and just be done, not want to spend time together.

I could compare my relationship to a well that gives faithfully for years and is taken for granted and then suddenly runs dry. Oh sure, there are environmental factors there, a long local drought, too many other people taking from the well.

And that could be the case with us. Though it hasn't been so far.

So far, we never seem to have enough time to say all the things we want to say, to talk everything to death, to examine feelings and motivations and how they change and why. We never seem to run out of games we want to play, new things to try.

But it could happen which worries me sometimes. I expect it would be aided by environmental things, like work or family or extracurricular stuff. Or too many people at the well. In my case family, in his case other girls or family. Other commitments.

I don't want to be pessimistic, and I'm really not, but on the other hand I don't ever want to take him or us for granted. Something worth having is worth working at.

But so far... and this is what got me here today... so far, I am so freakin greedy for him. I can't get enough. I'm enthralled. Obsessed.

Fortunately, he seems just as enthralled, just as obsessed.

Lucky?

Halloween Correctness

2011-10-29T09:42:00.000-04:00

It's almost Halloween, one of my favourite holidays. Yeah, I get that it's not really a holiday, but I love dressing up. I always have. When I was a little girl, I think I was always some variety of princess or pretty girl. Maybe a fairy? I was a really girly little girl, and I loved feeling pretty.

This carries over into playing dress up with my Dom now. He likes it too.

But Halloween is fun because you get to share your dress-up with the world.

I think there are limits about what you can wear, or at least to what I can wear and be appropriate.

My appropriate is always about ... well I guess there's a long list. Not too over the top sexy, because I'm older and really some of that is about not wanting to look ridiculous. I guess I want to look sexy, but not silly. Unless my objective really is to look silly, and then that's probably less overtly sexy if you get what I mean.

I don't want to embarrass my husband or kids with what I'm wearing either. Two of my kids love Halloween like I do, and like to go all out. And one is very uncomfortable with it. I think dressing up, pretending to be someone else icks him out somehow.

I don't want to be too inappropriate with colleagues, that's a tough one, especially with lots of colleagues who are lots younger.

But I confess that I never really thought about costumes that are politically incorrect. I was reading this article about "whether wearing Arab, Spanish and other ethnically inspired garb is proliferating stereotypes and feeding racism."

So okay, I try to be sensitive to things that will bug people. I don't want to be politically incorrect. But how is dressing in traditional Japanese clothing proliferating stereotypes and feeding racism? I think she's meant to be a geisha. Does this suggest that geishas are bad? Bad for the Japanese? Is it bad because it's a recognizable visible symbol of Japan, with no nuance and no discourse. Is it better if there's a discourse about any implications about it? And would it be wrong for a Japanese woman to wear this costume?

Okay, would it be wrong if I dressed in Scottish traditional dress? Or how about Medieval dress? Would that be offensive to Saxons and Normans everywhere? Yikes.

I dressed as a Mexican one year. I confess it. I had a sombrero and a poncho and a deadline. I was probably about 13. I would rather have gone as a princess but had not much in the way of pink tulle in my closet that year and I wasn't going to pass up getting dressed up. Did it forever shape my view or the view of those around me about Mexicans? Should I have educated myself about their issues as a way of repenting? Maybe it's not too late.

And when people aren't doing that, apparently they are (we are?) finding new ways to stereotype and sexualize women, oppressing them, in every single profession and identity. Like those naughty nurse and policewoman costumes.

Sigh. Way to suck all the fun out of things guys.

Do you wonder what those politically correct parties are like? What do they wear? What's left?

Mom's Pissed

2011-10-27T20:13:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have days where you feel like chucking it all and just walking away?

I'm sick of doing stuff for people who don't appreciate me, who sneer and snark and disdain me.

I'm sick of sullen teenagers.

I'm tired of my kids lying about homework. No Mom, no homework. Yeah? Your teacher called this week.

I'm tired of being taken advantage of and being taken for granted.

Yes, it's probably menopausal blues. Maybe. But goddamn it, it's real too.

I'm sick of a man who doesn't pull his weight and doesn't even apologize for it. Too busy.

I never want to go to parent teacher interviews again. Ever. Sick of it.

I'm tired of coming home to dirty dishes and crap all over the place.

Tired of nagging and just not even going to bother anymore.

Let them all live in squalor.

Mom's pissed.

Feeling Submissive

2011-10-27T08:12:00.000-04:00

Is submission about offering or about accepting?

Sometimes it's one thing and sometimes the other.

Sometimes it's having sex when you really don't want to. Where in a vanilla relationship you'd push him off and say no way.

Sometimes it's doing something that's hard or nasty or painful because he wants it, because he asks or demands it or whatever the hell it is he does. Just routine submission, where he says jump and I jump.

Sometimes it's doing what you know he wants, whether because it's a rule or just because you know he wants it. Because he's made that clear. Where he has a rule, like I have to tell after I cum, which I hate doing because it's so damn embarrassing.

Sometimes though, it's just about offering something, doing something that you totally don't want, because you know that maybe he'll want it. And then there's that mind fuck of wondering if I actually do want it. Where I wonder if I offered it to appear sexy or attractive or provocative to him, which maybe makes it something I want because I benefit from it. Or whether it's something I'm offering because I think it's something that will appeal to him. So offering something extreme or humiliating that he hasn't asked for fits into that category. Like what? I don't have time to go there this morning so fill in your own blank for now okay?

I think there's a range of submissive thinking and actions, from submitting to dominance to actually offering submission. And I think they are all part of submitting. Because if you submit to something he doesn't want, it's not really submission is it? Or jeez, maybe it is sometimes.

And which make me feel the most submissive? Because it's all about me and how I feel, right? Well maybe not, but I think that's what I'm writing about here.

Or rambling about.

Abstaining

2011-10-25T07:29:00.000-04:00

What do you think of orgasm denial?

My last post was on women who don't orgasm.

What about people, women or men, who aren't allowed to orgasm?

What about relationships where orgasm is denied for long periods of time?

How long would you be prepared to forgo an orgasm for the sake of your relationship?

And would there need to be conditions on it for you to agree?

Would you be more prepared to give up orgasms if you knew he wasn't cumming either? What if he was?

What if he was tender and attentive and sexual with you, bringing you to the edge of orgasm often? Loving but firm. Yes to sex and sexuality and love, but no to orgasm?

What if he wasn't denying himself at all? What if he came freely? Came all the time to the idea of your restriction? Would you serve that desire? What if he had other girls too?

Would you do it for a day? A week? A month? A year? Forever?

And what would you need to make it work for you?

Discerning Dom talks about orgasm denial For Ever. Gosh he is so eloquent and sensual in his writing. But no, I'm not convinced. I can't even imagine agreeing never to cum again. And sticking with it. And he references Agonizing Abstinence, a blog dedicated to the idea of long term abstinence. In both cases, the abstaining isn't part of a punishment, it's a goal all on it's own.

So what do you think? Is there any heat there for you in the denial? If not forever, what about for a year? Or a month?

Comments?

Did You Know?

2011-10-24T19:54:00.000-04:00

Did you know that apparently 10-15% of women never achieve orgasm? Never.

Doesn't that raise about 50 other questions in your mind?

And only about 30% cum during regular sex, what Shere Hite calls "penile thrusting" alone. I love that phrase and had to include it.

Still thinking about the women who never cum.

Baby Shower Rant

2011-10-23T18:52:00.000-04:00

I went to a baby shower today. Children having children. Supported by the government. It makes me sad.

The room was full of trashy looking young women, aged 18-22. None of them are married. 4 of them have children. One more is pregnant. Maybe more... I know it sounds judgemental but they were trashy looking. Too low cut, too tight, too much eyeliner. Yes, I admit that they were sexy too. But come on, they're 18, they'd be sexy even if they looked like decent girls.

Some of their moms were there too. Their moms are in their mid to late 30s. There was one family there, a 22 year old stripper, with her 3 year old daughter and her mom, and her mom. I think the great grandmother was in her mid 50s.

Of course everyone from the 18 year olds to the great grandmother look older because they all smoke. Including the pregnant girl. I think there were 4 of us there who didn't smoke. 2 of the young moms, a nurse and I. Okay the little kids weren't smoking either.

The presents were too expensive. The praise too lavish. Everything a bit over the top. How can they afford stuff like that? Designer clothes for a baby whose mother has no job, no education, no husband, no money.

I remember years ago someone saying that young girls got pregnant on purpose, knowing that the government would support them and they'd never have to get a job. At the time, I said that was ridiculous. Today, I know that for some girls it's true. They see a cushy life ahead with no obligations. How they can see a life raising a child alone as a cushy life with no obligations amazes me.

The pregnant girl lives at home. She's just turned 19. She hasn't finished high school, and doesn't seem interested. Her boyfriend is still around, but barely. He's not very involved, though she's desperate to believe he is. He might be there for the birth, isn't sure, doesn't want to commit. She wants to get married. He very clearly does not. He has other kids with other moms. He's an amiable if not very interested absentee dad to them. Sometimes he brings them treats. He does not pay child support.

She's planning a move. As soon as she gets to the top of the list for government housing she'll get a place. Hopefully a two bedroom. She says she hopes it has a parking spot. She hopes she'll have a car. Lots of hoping for a kid with no education and no job. Here in Canada, if she had a job, the government would give her a years pay to take time off to have her kid. But in her case there is no job, so, no years pay. Instead she gets welfare. And will for the foreseeable future.

I know I sound judgemental. I feel judgemental. I'm angry at them, at their parents. At a society that somehow raises them to think that pretty and sexy is all that matters. That it's a licence to do anything. That getting pregnant means the baby's daddy will stay with them forever. At a society that enables them to get pregnant, not finish school and make it look painless enough that it's attractive to their friends.

I spent the afternoon feeling like there has to be a better way.

A Diary, A Love Story, A Chat

2011-10-22T09:06:00.000-04:00

I think of my blog as something between a diary, a love story and coffee chat with my friends each morning.

I tell what I'm feeling, going through, wanting to discuss. I throw it out there for discussion, and often I get good advice, comments, feedback, friendship. Sometimes I get stuff I don't really want to hear, but I think that's part of it too.

Often it's about sex or my relationship. Occaisionally, it's something else in my life, books, yoga.

But usually it's about my relationship with my Big Bad Dom. My blog is an important place for me to explore that relationship. To help me understand what "normal" is, within the context of a D/s relationship.

I think as we grow up, vanilla, in vanilla worlds, we get a lot of feedback that shapes how we think about our relationships. And we get an idea of what's good or bad or appropriate in that vanilla context. We have role models, mentors, people we copy and imitate. Some are real, some live in stories and media. They all shape what we grow up to be, as we model ourselves on them, choosing those pieces we feel are right for us.

We grow up understanding that fairness and equality are crucial in relationships, we understand that if he respects you he'll treat you a certain way. We understand that porn is evil, not because it leads to masturbation, but because it oppresses women. And lots of other things which turn out not to be as perfectly true as I once thought.

Actually, I'd still offer some of that guidance to my kids. Because I think that girls (and boys) need to think about respect. They need to understand fairness and to expect equality in relationships. They need to think about whether they are being used or respected or exploited in relationships. I think all that advice I got was good advice, and I'm glad I got it, and incorporated it into my life. But it was basic advice about respecting myself, making good choices, and not letting people take advantage of me.

And then eventually I was ready for the intermediate course. Maybe that's the one where you realize that it doesn't matter who does the dishes each time, it doesn't need to be 50-50. The dishes need to get done, and so does the shopping and if and maybe one of you can do the dishes and one of you can do the shopping.

But suddenly I had D/s interests in a very vanilla world. I'm a soccer mom. I'm a maager in a white collar job. I have yoga friends and synagogue friends. I have family who I love. And I'm happy and content in all that.

There's nowhere in that world for me to explore the dark side of my sexuality. I can talk it to death with Big Bad. And we do. For both of us, the explicit exploration includes discussion, disclosure, openness, communication. I love that.

And then this blog turned out to be more of the same. It turned out to be a place where I could chat about my feelings about stuff. What stuff? Um. My feelings about humiliation, and wondering what the fuck I'm doing playing there. My feelings about submitting, and jealousy, and fairness. My feelings about pain and about my sadist. My feelings about love. See a theme here? My feelings about stuff.

I think it's less about what really happens than it is about my thoughts and feelings about it. The naughty scene before it, is often there mostly for context. So you'll understand my feelings as I'm laying them on the table with the coffee.

And I understand my feelings and reactions as I lay them out for you too. As I try to figure out how to explain what happened and why and my responses. And as you talk back to me about them. I've discovered that part of the appeal for me is living with that tension, living on the edge of my comfort zone. Being pushed right up to what I thought were my limits is a rush for me. I've discovered that humiliation is something I not only like a hint of, but crave. And who the hell would I say that to in my real life?

So I lay it all out on the table for you, and lately... there's silence coming back to me. Not total silence, there are a couple of comments most days lately, but hey, where the hell are my commenters?

In the silence I sense ... disapproval. Actually I don't really think it's really disapproval. But it does make me wonder.

Are you all off watching baseball, or decorating your homes or yurts or trailers for halloween, or canning tomatoes?

Are you bored with my relationship on endless loop? Thinking "she's written about that at least once before"? Thinking she needs to resolve that and move on? Are you disapproving?

Do you really like it best when I talk diet and exercise and books?

As I chatter on in the silence...

Over the Line

2011-10-21T07:54:00.000-04:00

I think the thing wasn't that he was over the line of what I like, what I wanted. It was that he started past the line that time.

I'm talking again about this night.

When I just wanted to cuddle up with him and be loved. Or maybe go to sleep. I certainly did not want him to unleash the sadist on me.

He may have been surprised that it hurt me so much. I think my reaction actually was beyond what it usually is with those toys, used that way for that long. I think he can always get me to the point where I can't take it anymore, given enough time and the toys used the way he chooses, he can always make me say uncle. But this time I had said it before we even started.

Why did it hurt me so much? I don't know. Tiredness perhaps. Or my period. Or the accumulation of earlier layers of pain.

And I was a little shocked the he didn't stop when he realized how much it was hurting me and how much I hated it.

Often I love pain. Often it comes mingled with sex which makes the association better. But the link between pain and pleasure is pretty damn strong for me.

But this time he didn't give me any of that. It was just pain. Knowing I didn't want it at all. Knowing that I never wanted it.

But he wanted it. He enjoyed it. He freakin loved that I did it, that I obeyed him, despite not wanting it. Power and dominance and sadism were all wrapped up in that session for him. Maybe sex? I should ask him. In any case, he loved it, and adored me, even while it was happening.

The next day he was surprised when I said he had been "mean".

Please Stop Sir

2011-10-20T07:46:00.000-04:00

I've been home with a sprained ankle. Working from home, and actually getting some work done too, so wipe that skeptical look off your face. Really, I was working. Lots of emails, a couple of reports, and a couple of meetings.

And a bunch of orgasms. Monday I had 2, Tuesday I had 3. Or was it the other way round? Nice huh? Don't you just love being a girl? Lots of orgasms and a fair bit of nipple pain on Monday and Tuesday.

So Tuesday night I was tired. In a pretty good way. But so damn tired. From more than just the orgasms, sprained ankle, busy work day, out that evening with friends, a glass of wine. And those orgasms.

He decided he wanted to play, and really I didn't at all.

Well, first he started asking me if I'd finally had enough, cause I'd taken a lot of teasing about all the orgasms. And he'd forced the last couple, pushing me. So he kept asking me if I was sated, if I'd had enough, teasing me about it and playing with me a bit, touching, fondling, having me do stuff.

In a vanilla relationship I would probably have said cut it out. I was sooooo not interested. But that's not a good strategy in a Dom/sub relationship, at least not mine. The clean up after a balk is messy and time consuming. So I just smiled and tried to go along with him, waiting him out.

At one point he asked me if I was sated, and I said yes Sir I was. He teased me, saying I was crying uncle, and I said yes, yes, uncle, uncle.

We were talking, and suddenly he asked me where my tweezer clamps were, whether they were close. They were and he had me get them. My heart sank. I looked at the clock, and realized we had half an hour left of our "date" and knew I could get through it, but I have to say that I was thinking about how much of the half hour I'd have to wear the fucking clamps for.

So he had me put them on, and these are one of the pairs of clamps where he insists that they go on straight. Really it's an excuse to fuck with me a bit more. That one's not straight enough, take it off and try again. Yeah. That hurts. So I put them on as per his instructions. And wanted to cry. Fuck they hurt, and I was so not into it. I just wanted him to take them off and tuck me into bed.

"Ask for what you want," he said to me. Disbelieving, I thought, oh, maybe he thinks I want this, maybe he wants to make me cum again, maybe he thinks I want another orgasm. So I said "Please stop Sir".

No way.

What happened next depends on point of view. He freakin loved it. He loved me obeying, enduring, taking the pain. He adored it and me. He couldn't get enough.

I endured. I just tried to get through it. I moved slowly, like an old woman. I just tried to survive. He moved me, posed me, made it hurt more, made it hurt differently. The sadist was in full flood. And the masochist had fled, leaving me behind at his mercy.

I was ruined by the end of the night, I had nothing left. I knew that, and I somehow thought that he didn't know it. Though... at one point he said something about how overwhelmed I was that the pain didn't stop, that he wasn't stopping it.

He knew how I felt.

And did he hate that I wasn't enthusiastic, did he hate how reluctant I was, that I was just trying to survive it? I don't think so. He said later that it was sort of what he hoped for, me enduring and giving the best I could, given that I wanted nothing to do with it. I think he loved it, and loved me for obeying, knowing how little I wanted to do with it.

And in retrospect? I hated it at the time. There was nothing I wanted in that session from start to finish. But now that it's over, I can see it as part of our overall relationship. And I guess I'm glad that there are parts like that. Where both of us are really sure that he can ask and I'll give, even when I don't want to at all.

Substitution

2011-10-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

I think some days I have so much to say (about religion, politics, current events, my life), that it's hard to say anything at all. So you get a picture.

Naked

2011-10-18T06:45:00.002-04:00

9:38 I'm naked. As ordered by my Dom. 2 naked hours. Consecutively at home. And that means that I'm locked in my room. There are other people in my house. So I'm here, imprisoned by the rule you set out. By my obedience to it.

I feel... owned. Restricted. Controlled. A little inconvenienced by it. And hugely aroused by the control, the ownership.

I want to masturbate. I feel very sexual, I want to touch my pussy and cum. I want to wiggle against the bed. I want you to come home and do me. My cunt is swollen with it. With being your naked slave. Am I that? a word we never use.

I'm a little cold, though i dont need to be. I could be under the covers I suppose

It's been less than an hour. I know already that once my time is up I'm going to masturbate. Maybe more than once.

I've been working. I've written a blog post. I'm getting my period, I can feel changes in my body.

10:24 The others just left, i'm alone now.

I feel sensual, wanting to touch, but that was part of the prohibition, no touching. 30 mins to go

10:53 I'm watching the clock - 5 minutes to go. I cant wait to masturbate. but...

I've loved being naked Sir. thank you for this task. I've felt treasured, sexual, owned. needy. OMG so needy

And yes, I masturbated and came as soon as the two hours was up, then went to shower and dress. I put the big white vibe under my pussy and lay on it, moaning, and humping and moaning god I came so fucking fast, mmmm

thank you Master

Your submissive

Craving

2011-10-17T09:30:00.000-04:00

I've been craving intensity lately.

I've been wanting extremes of control. Extremes of all the other things that make up my submission.

I've even asked for them, which is somewhat rare for me. I hate asking. I don't like it in itself, but I also fear rejection or being turned down. or worse being teased or laughed at.

He says I can always ask for anything I want, as long as I'm prepared to deal with his response. Often I'm not, so I usually don't ask for things. But lately...

I've asked for more extremes. Darker things.

I want him to push my boundaries a bit more.

We've developed a comfort with each other, a zone where we know we love to play. Where the sex is smoking hot and we adore each other. It's edgy and it's intense, but it can be formulaic too. He'll hate that word, but the concept is his.

It's not that I'm bored. I don't think he's bored either. Or that I think we've exhausted the possibilities where we normally play.

But when he looks for variety, he looks outside this zone.

What do I mean?

He tells me sometimes that someone is dirtier than me, more extreme than me. He says it with glee; he's delighted to play in that area.

And it makes me realize that ... I want him to push me there.

And he doesn't. Not really.

Because we've been together so long. And he knows that he can, he knows that if he takes us there I will certainly obey him. But he knows it's not comfortable for me. He knows it will take some work, some maintenance, some aftercare. Maybe lots. And it's easier not to bother. It's easier for him to get it somewhere else.

And suddenly I realize that I want it. It's like a craving for Thai food. I don't want it all the time. It's not my favourite. Usually I steer away from it. But suddenly I keep thinking about it.

I've developed an interest. While he wasn't really paying attention. And... where I didn't like it or want it before, suddenly maybe I do. But I'm not sure. I'm afraid to commit, because what if I discover I don't. And it's me that's taken us there?

And what if he doesn't like it? What if it's too extreme for him. What if suddenly I'm too dirty for him?

So I've avoided it. Not entirely because I don't like it, though I didn't want anything to do with it at first. And now, I'm kind of embarrassed to let him know that sometimes I might want to try it.

So I hint at things. I am daring. I initiate conversation. I subtly offer. I make it sound like I'm giving something he wants that I'm resisting.

He discusses but doesn't take up my hints. Still looks like too much work to him I think.

As time passes and he doesn't take up my offers, it makes me want it more. Makes me think about it more. It makes me crave it.

I think he's making it clear that if I want something, I will have to ask him for it. Not hint at it delicately. Not offer myself up like a sacrificial lamb. I'm going to have to ask for it, "Sir, please will you do this to me? I crave this." Maybe beg for it. "Master, please, please do this. I need to try this, I need to know, please Sir."

And maybe he still won't. Maybe he doesn't want it with me. Maybe it still looks like too much work. Maybe he just likes to see me get all tied up in knots, or likes to hear me beg. Maybe that's the game here, the dance of advance and retreat.

Maybe

Best Book?

2011-10-15T23:05:00.000-04:00

I sprained my ankle. I went running and... actually it's even more pathetic than that, cause I did it during the warm up. I was walking, messing with my headphones, trying to untangle them, and there was one rock in the road and I twisted my ankle and fell.

And now it's all puffed up and aching and I feel whiny and sorry for myself.

I want a new book. I deserve a new book. Because my ankle hurts.

Wahhhh!

Pathetic huh?

A new book would make me feel better.

So would cupcakes.

I want something to read that's easy. Brain candy. Fun.

Can you help?

What's your favourite book, and why?

Okay, tell me what your favourite book is, and why you like it, even if it isn't brain candy.

-sin

Blogging Rules

2011-10-15T09:08:00.000-04:00

For today's post I want to borrow someone else's content. It's kind of tacky to repost the whole list but it's so good and I want to talk about it . Bonnie, at My Bottom Smarts has 70 Practical Suggestions for Bloggers. I think this is a fantastic list of blogging do's and don'ts and best practices and advice. And I've given the link, but want to post the list of 70 suggestions too. So see below my comments for her list. I have referenced her suggestions by putting the numbers in brackets in each of my comments. Confusing enough?

She divides her suggestions into categories of approach, style, content and technique. I think I have things to learn from each of these. So thanks Bonnie. And I sure don't keep all of these rules, but I can see merit in each one, even if I don't use them all. It's a bit like knowing that I should pass on dessert but not doing it often enough, right?

So, will I point out all my flaws to you? You know me better than that. Do these pants make my ass look big? Why even go there? You can find and identify and point out flaws (features?) as you wish.

But I do want to talk about a couple of points here. There are things I don't do that maybe I should, my pet peeves or crusades, things I've learned, and things I want to explore.

I don't think I keep strictly enough to a single clear vision or theme for my blog (4 and 5). I think my vision is "finding myself" and ... I'm still all over the map. I have sort of a vision for what my blog is, and what goes with that, and what doesn't. I assume that some of you like that. I guess some of you probably don't. I think most of you read the material that you like and skip over the stuff you don't. I think that's probably best. You know I'm always intrigued at the different kind of posts that people comment on. I bet if I posted something on gardening, some of you who read but never comment would suddenly feel the need to comment. I love that actually.

And yes Bonnie, I agree, it's all about content, content, content (34). That's what sends us to a blog, and that's why we keep reading! Thanks to all of you for coming to read mine.

Oh here's one thing that makes me crazy. I go to a blog cause I think they have something to say, but I have trouble reading it because it's dark font on dark background (31) or I'm trying to read through some crazy graphic, or it takes forever to load, I probably won't bother. Make it easy for me ok?

And some things I guess I've resigned myself to, learning them over the years of blogging (omg that makes me sound like Methusalah's Mom!). There's no point in posting spiteful comments (13). Just delete them without comment or fuss. I wouldn't get rid of things that start a real dialogue. At least I don't think so. It's not about stifling discussion, not at all. But this is my place, and if you don't like it and don't like me, you can just move along. Don't let people post stuff on your site that makes you unhappy.

Don't tell too much about yourself. Privacy is important. (15) You don't want some secret internet admirer showing up on your front door, or contacting your boss. Be smart.

Think about incorporating weekly features (54). Yeah... but what? Hmmm... I guess that's something to think about.

Respond to comments (36). Yeah. I know I should. I read every single comment. Always. I don't comment back very often. Sometimes that's about time. Sometimes it's about an unwillingness to cut off discussion (40). I've already said what I think and I want to know what you all think! Sometimes it's that blogger doesn't let you comment after each one; pain in the ass, (I think that's my biggest complaint with Blogger). Sometimes it's that I have a pertinent comment to make about 2 comments but not much to say about 3 others. And I don't want to seem to play favourites (jeez what am I? 12 years old?). So here's a question, should I comment back more often?

Register with search engines. Go to the major search engines sites and submit your blog. (65) I don't even know how to do this. I guess I could do some homework and find out.

And the points about taking the time to know and appreciate the community, yes, yes and YES. (11, 21) I think I initially came here for the outlet, but it turns out that you guys, my community, my sub-sisters and Sam (ohhh that sounds way better doesn't it?) my friends, are my outlet. You inspire me, and motivate me. You are my audience and I write to you.

Sometimes that's a down side, when you don't like what I'm writing. And it's hard to overcome, when I have something to say and I think you don't want to hear it or are tired of hearing it. Sometimes I feel guilty about re-hashing the same old stuff. But I keep saying it and you keep coming to read it. So... there we are.

And I know we all start out with the idea that we write for ourselves. But... as it turns out, I write for you. Yeah, I know there are a bunch of people who come here once to read ponygirl porn. And I don't mind them being here at all. That's the exhibitionist in me. Though, sadly, t

And most importantly (1), Have fun. Be creative. Share yourself. Do what feels right. Yeah, thanks. I do!

If you have a blog or are thinking about starting one, it's really worth taking the time to read the suggestions below. I think they are awesome... okay, now go do it. I can wait.

-sin

********************

Some years ago, I published a series of posts where I shared lessons I had learned about blogging. These posts are still in the archive, but I stopped referring people to them because much of the advice now seems dated. I have long promised to create an updated version. Today, it's finally finished.

Here are seventy suggestions for beginning bloggers. This list is by no means a cookbook. Each blogger must find their own unique path. But if I can help make their journey easier, I am delighted to assist.

I divided these suggestions into four general categories: Approach, Style, Content, and Technique.

Approach:

1.Have fun. Be creative. Share yourself. Do what feels right.

2.Arrange blogging around the rest of your life, and never the reverse.

3.Check out blogs you admire. Notice how they do things. Look for good ideas you can adapt.

4.Explain your vision for the blog early and often. This kind of statement will help to attract and retain the kind of dedicated readers you seek.

5.Stay on topic and on message as much as you can. It's your blog and you can write pretty much whatever you choose. However, it's helpful to have a unifying theme that can be easily understood by first time visitors.

6.Respect your readers. Their time is precious too.

7.Try to learn something new every day. Use your new knowledge to make your blog better or your readers better informed.

8.Ask for suggestions and comments. When you receive them, take those ideas seriously.

9.Avoid being too predictable. Change things up from time to time. Strive to surprise and delight your readers.

10.Pay it forward. Help bloggers who are just getting started. Who knows? They may become a blogging superstar, or better yet, a good friend.

11.Get involved with the informal community of bloggers. These people can provide valuable support, both personal and technical.

12.Avoid judging people or their beliefs in all but the most extreme cases. There's generally no benefit to be derived from offending someone.

13.If you receive an offensive comment, delete it immediately without mention.

14.Avoid becoming too commercial. If you choose to have advertisements, that’s fine. But no one wants to visit an online billboard. Pop-up windows and loud audio are especially offensive.

15.Be honest with people, but not too honest. Avoid sharing details that reveal your specific location and full name, especially if you’re female. Like a superhero, you must protect your secret identity.

16.Be positive. Some people may demonstrate sympathy for your troubles, but few readers will return to a blog dedicated to whining.

17.Take one step at a time. It doesn’t make sense to promote your blog heavily until you’ve accumulated a decent sized body of work.

18.Try to be nice to people. Most of them deserve it.

19.Set reasonable expectations for your blog's growth. It can take months of regular posting to build a sizable core readership.

20.If you are serious about blogging, schedule some time each day for this purpose.

21.Recognize that blogging involves more than writing posts. There are also important backstage conversations with readers and other bloggers. These exchanges are essential, though time-consuming.

22.Don't feel intimidated when you talk with popular bloggers or models. They're real people too and most are happy to converse with bloggers who have similar interests.

23.If you don't know your way around, it's OK to follow the crowd. Once you do know, however, it's better to let them follow you.

Style:

24.Work to create a unique and memorable visual style. Build a brand. Choose a distinctive title, tag line, font, color scheme, logo, and layout. Make it identifiable and uniquely your own.

25.Recognize that a blog is an organic entity. Most successful blogs change and grow throughout their existence. Sometimes, blogs move in directions that their creators could not have foreseen at their inception. Don't be afraid to redefine your blog when opportunity knocks.

26.In general, a clean, consistent, and uncluttered presentation is superior to visually busy pages. Blog widgets can be beneficial, but when used to excess, they draw the reader's attention away from the content you want them to see.

27.Spell check and proofread your posts.

28.Check the links in your blogroll regularly. Trim the dead or inactive ones.

29.Most readers never explore a blog's archives. It's sad but true. For them, all of those great old posts simply never happened. You can encourage visitors to look around by adding navigational aids such as thematic tags or drop down boxes.

30.Structure your text for easy reading. Avoid long paragraphs and run-on sentences. If you frighten the reader with huge blocks of impenetrable text, they are likely to make a quick exit.

31.Artistic presentation is wonderful, but people need to be able to read your text. If the text color is too similar to the background color or graphic, it will be difficult to discern. Many visitors will choose not to work that hard.

32.While we're talking about text and readability, if you're expecting any visitors over the age of, oh, say 35, you'll want to select a clean font and a reasonably large point size. I find the default text size in many templates to be too small.

33.It's generally best to let readers know the subject of each post in the title or first paragraph.

Content:

34.The three most important ingredients for a quality blog are content, content, and content. Only strong material will keep readers coming back.

35.Talk about subjects you know. Especially if they are subjects you love.

36.Share the love. When someone takes the time to comment or send an e-mail, try to acknowledge their contribution and respond.

37.Get your readers involved. People love polls, quizzes, and open questions that invite discussion. Let them be part of the blog too.

38.Be topical. People love news. This can be as simple as tying in the theme of a post with a holiday or popular event.

39.Pace your posts. Many readers examine only your most recent article. If you post much more than once per day, even your regular visitors may miss seeing some of your best work.

40.Pace your comments too. I've discovered that some readers will not comment after I have responded because they think the discussion is now over. As a result, I sometimes purposely wait several hours before weighing in.

41.Variety is the spice of life. It also spices up a blog. Avoid posting two similar features back to back. If possible, separate them with a very different post.

42.It's fine to blend fact with fiction, so long as you explain to readers which is which.

43.Lightweight “filler” content like photos, memes, and polls have a rightful place on most blogs. Few bloggers can produce high quality, meaningful content every day for any extended period of time. Occasional “filler” posts allow a blog to stay fresh for readers without causing burnout for the blogger.

44.When quoting another blog, be sure to reference and link both the author (using the main blog page) and the specific post. Proper citations are a sign of respect.

45.If your blog is intended for a mature audience, beware of links to or from vanilla blogs or web sites. These can cause problems that no one needs. If a vanilla blog has linked you, you may want to write the owner and politely ask them to remove the link.

46.Conversely, if your blog is linked by a site that you feel is offensive, you might consider writing to them. This is far from a sure proposition, but it might work.

47.I find that unless a post is positively riveting, many readers lose patience somewhere around 1000-1500 words. Consequently, even an excellent post can be more effective if broken into bite sized pieces.

48.When another blog mentions your blog or cites your material, it is good practice to publicly thank them for their kind gesture. These folks are doing you a favor by sending you traffic and readers.

49.You may encounter spam blogs that steal your text, or more likely snippets of your text, in order to draw hits from search engines. As of today, there isn't much we can do about these creeps. Save your energy for a worthwhile fight.

50.It's all right to be outrageous or controversial sometimes, as long as it fits the theme of your blog. Many readers like a good rant once in a while. Just make sure you know when you're ranting and, for the readers' sake, please label it as such.

51.Every time you have an idea for a post, write it down immediately, even if you don't think it's a very good one.

52.Maintain a file of post ideas. Consult it when you need a topic.

53.Prepare some posts in advance. These posts can then be used when time and energy are at a premium. It reduces stress on the blogger and keeps the blog fresh and original.

54.Consider incorporating regular features. They give readers a reason to return.

55.Remember that the Web is a flexible medium. You needn't stick to a diary format. Your entries don't have to be prose. Consider poetry, humor, music, video, games, or whatever you think readers might enjoy.

56.When used in moderation, teasers and hooks boost readership. A teaser is a reference to an upcoming post that encourages readers to stop back. A hook is an intriguing post title or lead-off sentence that draws the reader's attention and makes them eager for more.

57.Avoid spending too much time on any one post.

58.Consider guest posts as an alternative content source, but make sure they fit the tone of your blog.

59.Your arguments will carry more weight if you back them with meaningful quotes or statistics.

60.If a topic or formula works, use it again.

61.Remember that it’s ultimately your blog. As writer, editor, and publisher, you make the final decision.

Technique:

62.Post as often as you reasonably can. Readers flock to ever-changing blogs and stop visiting those that become stale.

63.Install a counter and regularly analyze your traffic data. The statistics can tell you a lot about who is visiting, from where they came, and what they choose to read.

64.Links are a critical element in increasing readership. If your link is on a popular page, you will get a lot of first time hits. Few big name blogs will give you a link unless you link them first. Link the blogs you would like to have link you. Choose blogs similar in topic and tone to yours. Then visit those blogs and get involved in the conversation. Beyond a valuable link, you may well find help, inspiration, and friendship as well.

65.Register with search engines. Go to the major search engines sites and submit your blog.

66.Learn about RSS feeds and syndication. It’s an easy way to make your blog accessible to more people.

67.Test your pages to ensure they look right in common browsers.

68.Back up your blog content and your template, just in case.

69.Unless you have a good reason to do otherwise, it's best to adhere to basic blogging conventions such as placing newest posts first, allowing comments, including a date and title with every post, and making embedded links easy to spot.

70.You can easily promote your blog by regularly commenting on similar blogs. If you are inclined, social media tools such as FaceBook, Twitter, and MySpace are another excellent method for getting the word out.

So there you have it. Not all of these recommendations apply in every situation nor for every blogger. But this is what seems to work for me. I hope your blogging experiences are rewarding and fun!

Waiting

2011-10-14T06:49:00.000-04:00

If you feel like I left you hanging last time...

With him wanting more pain, and me having had enough.

That happens sometimes.

I feel like I'm just trying to wait for him to wear down or burn out or peak in an explosion of pain.

I feel like I'm trying to survive it you know?

To turn him in a different direction.

Whether that's a conversation, or a new theme, or sometimes a different person. "Hey Master, you could put the clamps on your other girl..."

Or sometimes its sex, trying to turn the sadist's desire for pain into sex. Or power. Or humiliation. Cause that can work too.

But this time, he's away on a trip. So we still communicate. But he has less access to me, cause of stuff at his end.

Which.... might work eventually.

But now, I can feel it simmering under the surface. We talk, we even play a little. I try to divert him from the pain he wants to heap on me, to lick off me, to fill me with.

And I feel the sadist there.

Watching, waiting. Wanting.

Gratification postponed is gratification postponed right?

Fact

2011-10-13T18:19:00.000-04:00

How To...

2011-10-13T07:12:00.000-04:00

Figuring out how to stop him once he's on a sadistic streak is ... I dunno. I think it's impossible.

It's not what I'm supposed to do, right?

Just go along with him, saying yes "Sir, anything you say Sir". That's what I'm supposed to do.

Though last night, I think he felt sorry for me. Thank God.

He was sweet to me. Instead of mean. I really needed it too.

But with indications that there's more mean stuff coming today.

Sadists...

Prepared

2011-10-12T08:09:00.000-04:00

Today I'm prepared. It's our day.

And my body is prepared.

Aroused. Oh god, so turned on from him playing with me last night.

Sore already, as he clamped and twisted and pinched my nipples. And now wants more.

Nervous. As he said several times last night and this morning that this was the way he wanted me prepared for today. He said that my sexuality was prepared, though he knows that will wane and have to be rekindled a bit. That my tits were prepared, he clearly wants them already hurting, so he can layer hurting on them.

I talk a lot to him about wanting him to take me so far into pain that I cry. That's the masochist in me or the pleaser, I'm never really sure which. But when I'm faced with the possibility of it, (and I definitely feel that possibility this morning), and already hurting as I do now, it's scary, makes me feel like I want to back out. I think I'm bravest about the excitement of being hurt so much that I cry before there's any pain at all.

And the mindfuck. The nervousness of knowing that all that is coming. And the knowledge that I have been prepared. That he wants my mind prepared, wants me nervous about it, as much as he wanted my body prepared.

So yeah, I guess I'm prepared.

Extreme Control

2011-10-11T09:06:00.001-04:00

Do you ever have fantasies of taking things further, and further and further? To whatever crazy extreme place you wind up? Where you know the fantasies aren't logical or sane or ever going to happen. They are fantasies after all. Sometimes they are masturbatory fodder, sometimes just daydreams. But still, they're there, aren't they?

For me... should I share this? I have fantasies of being caged, confined, completely controlled. Used at someone's whim.

Or of being chained and forced to follow orders. Forced to work and serve sexually, and hurt of course. Pain is a part of it.

Both cases are sexual, controlled, severely limited, humiliating.

Neither case is likely to come to pass. And yet I want it.

Would I want it in real life? No, probably not.

I love bondage, but this is beyond bondage, it's having my life, my time, even my movements, everything completely controlled by someone else. I imagine it would get old pretty fast.

My fantasies include pain, being forced to sexually perform, and forced orgasms. Yeah I know, doesn't sound so terrible does it?

Does everyone have fantasies of going too far? Where the fantasy goes way beyond what you'd really want, and yet you daydream about it anyway?

Discerning Dom had a post called Going to Extremes a couple of days ago, where he talked about just this kind of thing. He writes about his fantasy of total control of someone's life. But hmmm, I think mine is more extreme, cause I love that idea of the cage. He says:

You tell her what she may wear every day, what she must (or must not) eat, what she can read, how to spend her leisure time. When to sleep, when to wash, when to study the texts you prescribe.

He is controlling her time, her activity, her body.

You set her daily tasks; write about this or that (her feelings on being indefinitely denied orgasms, for example), or clean the bathroom naked. Her body is no longer her own; she may not touch it without permission.

Hmm, this is also body, but more of a mind fuck too I think. It's about shifting her idea of her self.

If you want her pierced or tattooed, she does it.

Pierced or tattooed. Or a brand? Or scarring? This changes her body permanently. It's painful at the moment of implementation, and marks her as his permanently. What he does to her at one time will change her body forever.

You tell her who she will fuck, and when and how, in what manner she will be used and abused. You colonise her mind.

He controls her sexuality. He affects her sexuality. He works with it. He makes her a slut, something she'll have to process. He colonises her mind. Wow. He is inside her head. Controlling her from the inside out, or wanting to anyway.

And there are many daily rituals, of cleansing and exercising and obedience, kneeling at certain times, the regular infliction of pain on herself, while speaking your name out loud. I could elaborate, but the principle is that every moment of her day is accounted for and carefully controlled, and that there are no limits.

Yes, I suppose that's what I'm talking about. This is control, total control by someone intensely interested in me. Who cares about me.

My fantasy isn't about being kidnapped by some crazy rapist/cannibal who would lock me in a cage and use me til he was ready to eat me. It's not about fear at all.

It's about being rigidly controlled by someone who would dictate every aspect of my life. What I wear or don't wear. Who I talk to. What I eat. Who I fuck. Whether I orgasm. Who loves me and hurts me and cares about me.

There is control, rituals, asking permission. Would there be rebellion? The opportunity to rethink and renegotiate whatever agreement got me there? I don't know. I don't think my fantasy ever goes that far. But kneeling in that cage? Or pulling at the end of a chain? Yeah, my fantasy goes that far.

It's a little crazy right? But not a lot crazy?