Recently Big Bad Dom went exploring on the internet and discovered someone else's rules.
He started reading them to me, asked what I thought, and I said I thought they were pretty all inclusive and pretty naive. He agreed with me, he even said they were utopian.
But he kept reading them to me.
And a couple of things became clear.
He liked The Rules. They were about action and intent and feelings and they gave everything to the Master. This submissive was going to do everything to please him, everything she thought might please him and she was going to do it all willingly. So he thought they were great.
I didn't like the rules. I thought they were silly. Yes, they gave him everything but and oh so willingly and sweetly. But they didn't take reality into consideration. The second there was anything outside perfection in their relationship, she'd be outside the rules.
In my relationship, being outside the rules is bad. There is enforcement, punishment, etc.
So I hated the rules and started feeling defensive and, okay a bit sulky too.
He kept reading. Maybe he didn't realize I was getting sulky. Every so often, I'd say to him something like, "oh you should get a sub who does that!"
It was threatening because I'm not a perfect submissive. Not even close. Somedays I'm perfect and obedient and sweet. Some days I'm obedient. And tired or sick or busy or sulky or furious or have PMS or dying to do something else, show off something else, get his opinion about something else.
Our deal is that he chooses what we're going to do or talk about and I do what he wants. We have some pretty basic rules about whether my attitude is appropriate or not. Again this is his decision. Surprised? But he actually wants to know whether I like what he's chosen. I'm required to be honest about my feelings if he asks. And then I might be required to just shut up about them. But none of that will make me Little Mary Sunshine if I want to fuck and he wants to talk or the reverse.
And these rules were so much about attitude. Yeah, I could be a bit better maybe. That's honesty. I could change a bit. But I don't think I'd ever get to that perfect submission in The Rules.
And I hope he doesn't get a sub who does that!
perfection is boring.
ReplyDeleteMick
I keep telling my bf that I want rules and whenever he gives me one I balk.
ReplyDeleteI am as far as it is possible to get from the "perfect" submissive/slave that "everyone" agrees is the goal of all of this thing we do. That reality is the indelible, inarguable fact of life. I am, at this point, as "good" as I can be about doing what I think Tom would want me to do... if he ever wanted me to do anything at all ever again. It is all on me now. No rules, and so nothing to push back against -- except the terrible, dark, empty blankness that stretches out ahead for all the rest of my days. If I think too much about that, I get pretty crazy. Just as I used to about the impossibilities of the demands of slavery. So, I do the best I can, and try not to analyze it all too much. I don't know where I was going with all of that. It just seems to me that, entering into this sort of thing is more about how I think about it than it ever was about how he thought about it. He never made me submit. I chose that; still choose it. He never made me be "his." I wanted that -- with every ounce of my heart and being. I still do. And so, whatever he does or does not do, I do my best to be the person I wanted to be; the person I want to be. For that, there are no rules. Just the moment to moment deciding to act in accordance with what I know is required.
ReplyDeleteDoes any of that make any sense?
I have had to look up rules before. The "rules" should be as individual as those that are participating in their particular dynamic. It's like everything else .. what works for one dynamic does not mean it work for another. I am sure Big Bad already knows this though eh? .. and would probably be really bored with a lil' miss perfection. ;)
ReplyDeleteI note that you don't say where you came across the rules in question, perhaps they are ours (or is that a hint of paranoia....you don't need to answer that). Our rules were set out at the beginning of our journey into TTWD and were adapted from a set that petals had found. They are idealistic and perhaps unattainable but I like to think of them as an aspiration. Trouble is rules shouldn't be aspirational. They should be clear cut and if they are to be enforced (what's the point of having them if they aren't enforced?) they must also be attainable. I will in the future amend our rules I think. It will be a task that I undertake when I have a better understanding of just what our dynamic is. I expect they will be quite different from what they are now and will likely always be just the latest manifestation of something that evolves between us.
ReplyDeletePetals Master, I just want you to know I am enjoying you and your submissive's blooming TTWD relationship, as provided in your blog. Not addressing here where sin got that specific set of rules, I think it is important to say that every D/s couple develops and establishes a set of rules that fit their specific relationship. We are each individual Doms/ Dommes and likewise each individual sub is a unique person. Please don't feel any paranoia about your initial set of rules because if they work for you at this point in your relationship then they are what you want. Frankly, I think you should take great pride in the fact that your submissive trust you enough and wants to give you this level of control over her. Then, each Dom must recognize the level of responsibility with every level of control we take or even accept. I occasionally refuse sub's offers of more control over them as I realize I don't have the time or inclination to deliver the level of oversight, maintenance, punishment, etc to take it and enjoy it properly.
DeleteThank you for the encouragement Master of sin. D/s is quite an undertaking, We have had things to work out for sure and in the beginning I wondered if I was "doing it right". A big step forward was to realise that there is no right or wrong way, rather it is our way and we fit the dynamic to "us". I am glad you enjoy our blog.
DeleteOur rules are all very concrete. There is nothing about attitude, demeanor etc in there at all. I guess that is just how Master and I think, we match in that way. Vague rules would drive me nuts (AM I obeying??? I don't know! Ack, ack!) and he makes them all very plain for me. Such things as "Don't wake me up". "Tea must be served such and such way." Ok, I can do that.
ReplyDelete