What Makes a Good Dominant?

 Sofia asks What is the most important quality for a Dominant? Has your opinion on this changed over time?

Gosh. I think there are several things that are important. And I think they are really just important to me, I don't know about anyone else.

And these aren't necessarily the things that would make him attractive to me, but the things that would make him a good Dominant.

Consistency. He has to respond basically the same way to things, day after day, year after year. If you let someone else control your stuff, they have to be fairly predictable or it won't work.

Realism. He has to understand you aren't going to jump off a bridge or murder your family in their beds. He has to start off slowly and not give you things to do that you balk at early on. He has to get your agreement to his dominance.

Imagination. He needs the ability to put himself into your shoes, just a little, just enough to understand what it feels like to X or Y or Z. So he knows about  (and probably gets off on) your pain, isn't just oblivious to it.If he's causing the pain, he should at least know and value that it's there. Or something like that.

Anyone else? What do you think?

And has my opinion changed over time?

Probably, like everything else does. But I think I always wanted consistency. It's a bit like living under the rule of law. You need to know what's allowed and what's not. If not, you don't know when you are breaking the rules and when you aren't. And it's not fair if you don't know, and I'm all about fair. I don't break the rules on purpose very often. 

Cuckqueaning

I've been emailing with a blogger friend about cuckolding and why it's a turn on.

Nice hmmm?

It's a kink for lots of people.

Not my particular thing, at least I don't think about it in those specific words.

But I do like when my man has other girls. Subs-on-the-Side. Extra girls.

Why do I like it? 

Well because it means he's attractive to them. They validate my opinions about him. Sometimes they are there for me to talk to about him. I love that. I get a little extra piece of him, through them.

And he's always had extra girls, variety. He likes it, and I like him to have what he likes. That's my thing. 

And I also like that little hit of humiliation that he gets to fuck around and I don't. That he expect me to take it, AND like it. Which I try to do. Cause you know, that's really hot sometimes. Is it a hint of objectification or something? Just the idea of it...

As you'll know, if you've read my blog for a while, I do this with varying degrees of success.

I don't want to lose him to someone else, that's for damn sure. But I do like the idea of sharing. 

Sometimes it's sexy and hot and sometimes it's submissive and obedient, and sometimes it's sisterhood. And sometimes I struggle with it.

And yes, sometimes I've been desperately jealous and unhappy. And fairly "out" about that, as I'm required to be with my submission. Which is complicated, right?

And I learn more about myself as we go.

I certainly have not been consistent about how I have responded to sharing him with other girls over time. So much depends on the other girls. Do they want to interact with me? Do they want to be friends? Do they want to be sexual partners? Do they want to domme me? Why yes I do try to get under everyone I encounter sexually, why do you ask? Do they want to displace me and take him away? Do they want to love him, do they want him to love them? Do they want me to be jealous of their relationship with him? Do they want to fight? Is it going to be about sisterhood and sharing experiences or about one upmanship? Do we have things we can offer each other.

While talking to one of his Subs-on-the-Side recently, she said to me that the only times she ever felt like we  were getting close to fighting, were all times when she could see I didn't feel like I was being heard. I really liked that actually. I did and do want to be heard. I think I feel that the opportunity to talk about it is my prerequisite (or is it a payment) for acquiescing to the arrangement. Because after all, a significant part of D/s for me is exploring and understanding how it makes me feel. 

So cuckolding, which is where I started, doesn't seem to apply in the same way to women who share their man. The official term is cuckquean for a woman who shares her man. Wikipedia says "Cuckquean refers to a woman with an adulterous husband. In modern English it generally refers to the sexual fetish in which sexual gratification is gained from maintenance or observation of sexual relations by a man with a woman or a number of women besides his girlfriend, wife or long-term female sex partner, and therefore, the reversed gender roles of a cuckold relationship." It also notes that the male is sexually dominant, the female is submissive, and sometimes is completely celibate, only becoming involved with the man or his lover when he permits it. I guess I'm glad I'm not celibate. It also notes that typically it involves some humiliation. Which I guess is why it turns me on.

I think it's different for men, more about competition, tons about humiliation, not so much about sisterhood/brotherhood. But jeez, I don't know, because I'm not a man. So I get how it feels for me, and why I like it, but I don't really get what appeals to me. Anyone want to wade in and discuss?

Bad Habits

Stress eating. Why do I do that?

And procrastination? Some day I will be past that, right?

I need to exercise more.

Aren't I old enough to have fixed all my bad habits?

Not By Accident

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I'd never met him.

You know how there are some people you meet over and over again, and you probably don't really remember the first time you met them, because if you hadn't met them that day, you'd have met them the next day. Or the day after that.
 

But he and I met by chance. And if we hadn't met that night, I don't think we'd ever have met.

So there must have been a reason. Right?

Thoughts on Submission

The I've been thinking a lot lately about what submission is to me.

I'm not always the perfect submissive. (Duh!)

Often I'm angry sub, or resentful sub or PMS sub. Occasionally I'm smart-ass sub. Though what really pisses him off is when I'm bratty sub. 

I'd like to be better. Maybe some of the way to do that is thinking about submission, and about why I want to be submissive. For me, writing about something often facilitates my understanding of it.

Why do I want to be submissive?

I have no idea. Seems like a lot of work sometimes.

Yeah, I know, smart-ass answer.

But it's sort of the truth. I don't really know why I WANT to be submissive.

I started down this path to feel desirable, and wanted and sexy. But that's certainly not the only answer.

The thing is, I'm not really submissive in life. Oh I am in the bedroom. But there's a difference between bedroom submission and being submissive. And mostly I'm not submissive outside the bedroom. I'm bossy and take charge.

Except to Him.

And I am to him because he wants it, and because I want it and because we've always been this way. And I want it because he wants it.

Seems simple enough?

Submission

Sometimes when I take the time to just think about things...they come into focus.

All that stuff that gets hidden in a jumble of things, of worries and day to day clutter.

Submission to him is what I want.

Sometimes I forget that. And I let other things factor in.

But the important thing is that I want to submit to him.

No, it's not the only important thing in my life. And the other things won't go away, they'll still be there.

But so will my submission. To him. 

Summer is Coming - I Know It

Today was better. I was less desperate. Summer will come. I will survive this.

Maybe it was because my drive home today only took 30 minutes instead of 90.

This was my parking spot last night. 

After I drove over the scariest bridge ever. In a fucking snowstorm. Okay, a blizzard. Slowly.

It has to end eventually right?

At least it's almost Friday.

Life in Canada

Another day, anot?

Enough already!

I feel like I spent most of my day yesterday driving around the city. Or trying to.

It took me 90 minutes to drive home from work - should have taken 35. Sigh.

I'm too discouraged (okay and too late) to find yet another cute facebook graphic for how much I'm hating this winter.

Damn white stuff. 

Happy Monday

Things that made me happy today?

That Big Bad and I didn't end this morning.

That he sent me a text saying, "I want a strong, smart, sexual woman, not a doll." And some other nice ones too.

And that the rest of my day is better than the crappy morning was.

Update

Bonjour Blogworld

I'm making progress at French class. I bet you're glad for me.

It's preoccupying me, taking tons of time and energy and I'm really trying to do well at it. Does anyone want to correspond with me en français? If so, I'm at nosyparker9@yahoo.com

What else can I tell you.

Because of French class, I don't have much time left with The Man. He's pretty busy anyway and just doesn't have much time available, so it's probably just as well.

The Olympics are over. Did I mention that we won at hockey? Women's and Men's? Yes, I thought I had.

I'm thinking of getting a new phone. Everyone in the world has a smartphone except me. Maybe it's time.

I've finished a big work project. I've hired a cleaning lady. I haven't been to the gym in ages. It's time to go. I know.

I'm not sure what else to tell. I've scaled back on volunteer activities and actually said no to a couple of requests. I think the requestors were surprised. I was sort of surprised by myself.

What else should I write about? Write me and give me some advice, ask questions, or be provocative and annoying so I write back. Inspire me!

-sin

Game Day

Big Bad Dom asked me early this afternoon if I was going to write another gloating hockey post. I said no, it's not just a hockey blog. (Doesn't seem like he's that taken with the hockey posts - he's American, I'm Canadian, what's not to love there?)

I'll write a bit about our days instead. Starting with the fact that he got dressed and went to church while I stayed home and watched hockey in my nightie and drank Bloody Marys.

Oh, and btw, my team won.

See? It's not ALL about hockey!

Questions

Who is getting up to watch hockey tomorrow morning at 7? 

Will you be drinking coffee or beer while it happens?

Will you be at home or at a bar or in Sochi?

Who thinks it's crazy? Who wouldn't miss it for the world?

Compliments

"Subgirl," he says, "This will make you blush but your breasts are fabulous. I'm a tit man and I love them. And look, your nipples are sticking out like little pencil erasers. That's not from the cold you know, that's from me. They were like that as soon as I took them out."

"Thank you Sir," I say.

Gold Medal Game

I have Olympic fever.

I just do; happens every time.

And this year. Well, we're happy. Canadians are happy and proud of our people.

This afternoon, we are celebrating. Delirious with joy. Thrilled to bits. Our women won gold in hockey (and curling too) today.  

I didn't watch the curling. It's a Canadian sport too but not the obsession that hockey is. But congrats to the undefeated team that wrapped that up today.

But hockey. It's huge to Canadians. Americans have football and baseball and basketball and soccer and some hockey too. We have hockey. And we believe we are great at it and we want to be great at it and celebrate it and ... well you know.

Olympic hockey is really between the American and Canadian teams. No one else has a team in the same league. I'm very knowledgeable (not) about women's hockey. Okay, I'm really not, though I'm getting that way. I know a couple of girls who are playing hockey well enough that we have to notice. And I'm really proud of them.

So anyway... hockey. We won this afternoon. It looked like we were going to lose. It looked like we were going to get our asses kicked actually. And then, suddenly, we scored and then we tied and then, in overtime, we won.

How do I know? I was watching it. My kid was watching it in school. Everyone was watching it. 

And on the way to that win, there was this part where we pulled our goalie, and the Americans almost scored on the empty net and the puck miraculously bounced off the post instead, so we put the goalie back (and probably all said a prayer of thanksgiving) and then we won.

And you could hear rejoicing all over town, and all over facebook and as it turns out all across the country.

We love winning Olympic hockey. We'd like to win mens hockey too. A lot. I'm sure lots of people consider that that's the "real game". And in a way, it is, I get that. And I want to win it. I hope we do. But all the men on those teams are already rick and famous and acknowledged as great. So, it's a huge deal to win at the Olympics, but ... maybe not as big in a way as for these women who... give their all to this, for years and years and years without much return. And then this.

Do you think they'll be saying this to the guys tomorrow? Maybe! I do kind of love that idea. And yeah, it's all over facebook where I live.

And yes we are assholes about it when we win.

Lots of Snow

I know it's snowed a lot everywhere this year. I know. 

At least, it's snowed a lot for places that don't normally see much snow. Lots of nasty winter weather in the south. It's made the news over and over. Traffic and delays and airport shut downs. And I've tried to be sympathetic. I know it's not the same in Georgia or Alabama as it is here in Canada when it snows. They don't expect it. They aren't equipped to deal with it. We are. So it's not nice to make fun of other people who are getting wintery weather.

I live in Canada, so it's supposed to snow. But jeez it seems like a lot this year. This was taken somewhere in central Ontario, fairly recently.

It wasn't taken by me. I've been home shoveling my driveway. Okay, not really. I paid someone to do that this year (thank God!)

So if Sochi needs snow, we could send them some.

Just sayin.

Dark Valentine

 

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who was searching for the  key to her kingdom. She searched high and low, because she didn't really know what she was looking for.

One day she found a clue that pointed her towards a dark dungeon. At first she turned away and continued her search somewhere else. That couldn't be the key. Not really. It was too nasty and embarrassing.

So she looked and looked and looked some more. She couldn't find it anywhere else.

Finally she turned to look at the dungeon. Could the keys be there? Maybe.

She looked around to see if anyone was looking at her. No one was. So she snuck into the back, very very quietly. And then, nervous, she ran out again.

The next day she snuck back in again and stayed a little longer before running away again. And every day she repeated this, because she began to realize that the keys to the kingdom were probably in a dungeon just like this one.

She could see princes and princesses, lords and some ladies and some sorcerers in the dungeon, mostly off in the distance. There was treasure there and lots of peasants. And there were so many things to look at. She grew at ease with her surroundings but never forgot her search.

One day a handsome Lord approached her. And she knew instantly that he was magical. He asked her many questions and encouraged her to ask questions. And he had magical implements of pain and submission and pleasure on his belt. He was dark and mysterious and wonderful.

She was seduced and ran away with him, and lived happily in his castle, mostly in the dungeons. She put aside her original mission because she was happy in the castle.

Many years later she was reminded of her search for the keys to the kingdom and realized that the keys on his belt were those she had looked for all along.

Happy Valentine's Day to the Lord who makes dark magic to me most of my days!

Yours

Go Canada!

Canada is winning at the Olympics. Now you'll think this is boastful. And it is. And that it's a bit obnoxious. Yeah, that too.

But we're winning. For the first time ever. EVER.

And I know it's unlikely to last.

But right now, we're rocking this Olympic thing!

We have 7 medals. 3 gold, 3 silver and a bronze!

These two sisters won gold and silver in women's moguls. Justine and Chloe Doufour-Lapointe must be pretty damn happy. 

And whether it lasts or not, it doesn't take anything away from how amazing these athletes are and how proud we are of them.

And I'm very proud to be a Canadian! Every time I hear the anthem (and it's all over the news) I'm all choked up!

Go Canada!

Pleaser

Mick asked a question in the comments on the last post which makes me realize that most of you probably don't know me very well.

His comment expressed surprise that I'm a pleaser in my non-sub role as well.

Yes, I am.

I think I'm a fairly dominant pleaser. I want things to go well, I want everyone to be happy, and I'm often bossy about how that happens. Because I always think I know best. Which makes me a really bossy sub.

I'm an extrovert. I have lots of friends. I'm a bit of an organizer there. I love parties and bars and large groups. I'm outgoing and loud and funny (I think). If you told my friends I was into D/s, they would definitely think I was on the Domme side.

I'm a manager in my job and I have one employee who really wants to think of me on the Domme side. He's always telling people he's afraid of me. He certainly gives the impression of me getting my way with high boots and a riding crop. He likes bossy women.

And yes, despite all that, I am a pleaser. I want everyone to be happy. Yeah, I know my Dom is rolling his eyes - maybe a couple of the rest of you too! Okay, sometimes I'm a confrontational bratty pleaser.

I'm very submissive in the bedroom. I don't even like to think about being the boss there. I've done it at least in role play, I think because I AM a pleaser, but I didn't like it. I put handcuffs on someone once, thinking that it might be really exciting to focus on teasing and pleasing someone to orgasm while they couldn't change things and get away, but really, it wasn't that exciting. I don't think either of us could get past the idea that I had the key.

I want it to be perfect for the person I'm with. And I like to be swept off my feet. There are some pretty specific things I like, and I don't mind telling them. But I like it even better, knowing they are getting what they want when they want it. 

Volunteering

I spent this morning doing a volunteer thing.

Which was really nice and completely exhausting.

And now I just want a nap.

And I feel very very happy that I did it. And that it's over.

I was in charge of organizing this event, and I wasn't sure how well it was going to go, or whether all my volunteers would show up (only one didn't show!) and whether everyone would like my volunteer thing. Because I'm such a pleaser, I worry about people LIKING everything.

So it was good. It went well. It's over.

I made some friends, and did some good and taught some stuff and worked with kids and ... It was good. 

And I'm sooooooo tired.

Inspiration?

So... I thought about making a list. To motivate myself.

Maybe soon.

Another Rough Day

And what the fuck am I going to do now?

I'm pretty confused.

More

This might become the "All Whining About French Blog."

 For those of you who used to come to read about Dominance and submission, I'm sorry. It doesn't seem to be that blog anymore.

Today we worked on those verbs that have être as an auxilary and the concordences. I know that doesn't mean much to anybody, but it's hard.

The thing is that I'm sitting there, making hundreds, maybe thousands of mistakes an hour. Really only hundreds? Okay. Hundreds. HUNDREDS. Of mistakes in an hour.

There were times today when I wanted to yell at my teacher. When I wanted to get up and walk out. When I wanted to put my head down on the table and cry.

I fucking hate making mistakes.

Parlez-Vous Français?

I'm taking this intensive French course.

It's really hard. I come home every day exhausted. Just wrung out by it.

It's really amazing how much I've forgotten.

And how many French verbs there are. Hundreds? Thousands?

I think I use about 10.

And how many tenses there are. I think there are 16?

I use 3.

Anyone want to jump in and sympathize or tell me I'm crazy?

I did this exercise this afternoon. Remember what we used to do in spelling class when we were kids, using the word in a sentence? So my exercise was to conjugate the verbs and use them in a sentence. I think we were working on futur simple. And and I felt like every damn word I said needed correcting.

I don't know if the teacher was sorry for me or just disgusted. Maybe some of both. He sent me home early.

Feeling...

dis·cour·aged

disˈkərijd,-ˈkə-rijd/

adjective

adjective: discouraged

1. 1.

   having lost confidence or enthusiasm; disheartened.

   "she must be feeling pretty discouraged"

The Joneses

Mistress to sissy patience over at the Sissymaid Diaries has decided to play along and answer some questions about being a Domme. Thanks!

As an intro she says the following: "I happen to be a fond follower of the submissive blogosphere. I find knowing what others are doing helps me to understand my place as a Dominant (and as a submissive when that happens) and allows me to gauge my actions on the scales put forth by others. While I don’t subscribe to the keeping up with the Joneses philosophy of kink, I do like hearing the experiences that others have and using their ideas, desires, and goals to expand my repertoire."

I agree with lots of what she says here. I think there's a pretty big submissive blogosphere, and I find what others are doing and discussing help me to understand and discuss what I'm thinking sometimes.

I've really liked reading the answers from the Domme and Doms. They're so different, and I bet there are people who read them and think about how different they are. And it's not about making anyone feel defensive about anything they are or aren't, it's about openness and conversation about it. 

I don't think I'm a "keeping up with the Joneses" kind of kinkster, but I am curious about what the Joneses are doing. Sometimes in a "omg, I'm glad we aren't doing what the Smiths are doing," sometimes in a "wow, look at that hot thing the Greens are doing," and sometimes in a "what do you think of that thing the Golds are writing about?"

Although I admit that if the Smiths are doing something particularly nasty, I often just don't mention it, because it can be a red flag, a bit like daring him to do it to me.

But I do love the idea of seeing what's inside a Dom's mind as well as a sub's. As patience's Mistress says, "I like hearing the experiences that others have and using their ideas, desires, and goals to expand my repertoire."

Actually, it's not so much the repertoire in my case, but my language, conversation and understanding about D/s. Okay, maybe a little repertoire.

I have this idea that since D/s isn't mainstream, we can find ourselves immersed in it, without really understanding what's going on in our heads and in our relationships.And without growing up in a culture and society that gives us norms and expectations about it. So reading and discussing with other people who are doing similar things helps us to understand what might be "normal" in D/s.

Hmmm, is that what I mean? Do I care about being "normal"? Well, I care that I'm not crazy to desire pain sometimes and to want to offer myself to a Sadist. I don't want to be crazy, I want to be sexual, experimental, open to new things. And I don't want to give them up. I don't mind not being like everyone else on my street, but I love the commonalities here. I want to be like others (some others at least), or really, maybe I want to know that others see themselves as similar to me. Maybe I want to BE the Joneses?

I want to have a conversation about power and dominance and submission that it's impossible to have with people who aren't into it.

I want to hear more about the Dom side, partly to hear the answers from my own Dominant, but also so that I can understand your stories and so that I can crib from your answers and ask him if any of them apply to him/us.

I have a fascination with wanting to know what HE gets out of our relationship, from the pain and pleasure and connection and power exchange, from the Dom point of view. Honestly, it's enlightening to hear and it's often amazingly hot too.

Dom Question 2

I hypothesize there are questions that submissives want to ask Doms or Dommes, whether their own or other peoples'. So here is the second in a series of "Dom Questions" that I hope my Dom and others will answer for us.

Question #2
What do you like most about your submissive? How about least?

My Dom points out that the second part is a dangerous question. Probably is. I wonder if he'll answer it.

And come on... you want to know don't you? Just ask him. Tell him it's a blog thing.

If anyone wants to answer, you can do so in my comments, or on your blogs, or your subs' blogs or on your friends' blogs. Or if you want to answer more anonymously, you can email me and I'll post your answer(s) on my blog.

******************************

Thanks to my Dom who answered the last question here. I only know of two others who played along and answered online, here and here, so if there are more, please let me know and I'll link them too. Hopefully some of the rest of you got answers in private as I do think it was a very interesting question.

******************************

And thanks as well to all those who gave me urls to other Dom blogs. I have been to a bunch of them though, and I really enjoyed them.

I plan to put them all into a post with links so you can wander around to their blogs. But I'm lazy.


Edit: Check out one more Dom who answered here. And thanks for the addition!
And a Domme here .

Discussion

Recently Big Bad Dom went exploring on the internet and discovered someone else's rules.

He started reading them to me, asked what I thought, and I said I thought they were pretty all inclusive and pretty naive. He agreed with me, he even said they were utopian.

But he kept reading them to me.

And a couple of things became clear.

He liked The Rules. They were about action and intent and feelings and they gave everything to the Master. This submissive was going to do everything to please him, everything she thought might please him and she was going to do it all willingly. So he thought they were great.

I didn't like the rules. I thought they were silly. Yes, they gave him everything but and oh so willingly and sweetly. But they didn't take reality into consideration. The second there was anything outside perfection in their relationship, she'd be outside the rules.

In my relationship, being outside the rules is bad. There is enforcement, punishment, etc.

So I hated the rules and started feeling defensive and, okay a bit sulky too.

He kept reading. Maybe he didn't realize I was getting sulky. Every so often, I'd say to him something like, "oh you should get a sub who does that!"

It was threatening because I'm not a perfect submissive. Not even close. Somedays I'm perfect and obedient and sweet. Some days I'm obedient. And tired or sick or busy or sulky or furious or have PMS or dying to do something else, show off something else, get his opinion about something else.

Our deal is that he chooses what we're going to do or talk about and I do what he wants. We have some pretty basic rules about whether my attitude is appropriate or not. Again this is his decision. Surprised? But he actually wants to know whether I like what he's chosen. I'm required to be honest about my feelings if he asks. And then I might be required to just shut up about them. But none of that will make me Little Mary Sunshine if I want to fuck and he wants to talk or the reverse.

And these rules were so much about attitude. Yeah, I could be a bit better maybe. That's honesty. I could change a bit. But I don't think I'd ever get to that perfect submission in The Rules.

And I hope he doesn't get a sub who does that!

Prayers

Yesterday was a weird day. A funeral, a hospital visit to the psych ward, and two moms who I'm close to have desperately ill babies.

Makes you think about priorities.

And prayer.

I'm not really a big believer in prayer. I'm a skeptic.

But sometimes I really really want it to be true.

I think this is one of those times.

Please let everyone be alright.

Praying for a speedy and full recovery, for the babies and the anorexic girl in the wheelchair.

Ah Football...

I know... shocking to some of you, but absolutely true. In fact, I don't even know who is playing. Okay really I don't usually know there's a game on.

Just sayin...
                 

**************************

And yeah, I'm working on questions we'd want to ask Dominants. Do you have a Dom you have questions for? What questions would you want to ask? Would he answer?

FYI

Just FYI, I'm not posting anything else til I get some indication that someone is reading these.

This is supposed to be a conversation, not a one sided monologue.

You can agree or disagree or whatever. But that's my line in the sand.

Validate me.

Winter Prayer

Seriously.

It's stupidly, horribly cold.

They said yesterday was -41 Celsius with the wind chill. Fahrenheit and Celsius meet at -40 btw, that's probably all you need to know.

And it's been insanely cold for most of a week that I had off. So cold that going out risks frostbite or hypothermia unless you are just rushing out to the car and even that's pretty miserable. We talk about which car we are going to take, heated seats or heated steering wheel. And which car heating system works the most efficiently.

No skiing, no skating, no winter fun. No walking or running outside.

Wear a hat, scarf, boots and WARM mittens. Wear a jacket with a hood, just in case. If your car does have problems be prepared to walk away.

The furnace in my house isn't keeping up. No it's not cold in my house, not really, but it's not warm either. The restaurant we went to last night was in an older building. It was cold there.

And for my asshole facebook friends who are in Florida or the Carribbean or Mexico and are whining about having to come back. We've heard your boasting for 2 weeks. We do not feel any sympathy for you having to return. In fact, we want to meet you at the airport and hose you down so you can catch up on the cold weather misery we have felt for a week.

Brrrr.