What Makes a Good Dominant?

 Sofia asks What is the most important quality for a Dominant? Has your opinion on this changed over time?

Gosh. I think there are several things that are important. And I think they are really just important to me, I don't know about anyone else.

And these aren't necessarily the things that would make him attractive to me, but the things that would make him a good Dominant.

Consistency. He has to respond basically the same way to things, day after day, year after year. If you let someone else control your stuff, they have to be fairly predictable or it won't work.

Realism. He has to understand you aren't going to jump off a bridge or murder your family in their beds. He has to start off slowly and not give you things to do that you balk at early on. He has to get your agreement to his dominance.

Imagination. He needs the ability to put himself into your shoes, just a little, just enough to understand what it feels like to X or Y or Z. So he knows about  (and probably gets off on) your pain, isn't just oblivious to it.If he's causing the pain, he should at least know and value that it's there. Or something like that.

Anyone else? What do you think?

And has my opinion changed over time?

Probably, like everything else does. But I think I always wanted consistency. It's a bit like living under the rule of law. You need to know what's allowed and what's not. If not, you don't know when you are breaking the rules and when you aren't. And it's not fair if you don't know, and I'm all about fair. I don't break the rules on purpose very often. 

Cuckqueaning

I've been emailing with a blogger friend about cuckolding and why it's a turn on.

Nice hmmm?

It's a kink for lots of people.

Not my particular thing, at least I don't think about it in those specific words.

But I do like when my man has other girls. Subs-on-the-Side. Extra girls.

Why do I like it? 

Well because it means he's attractive to them. They validate my opinions about him. Sometimes they are there for me to talk to about him. I love that. I get a little extra piece of him, through them.

And he's always had extra girls, variety. He likes it, and I like him to have what he likes. That's my thing. 

And I also like that little hit of humiliation that he gets to fuck around and I don't. That he expect me to take it, AND like it. Which I try to do. Cause you know, that's really hot sometimes. Is it a hint of objectification or something? Just the idea of it...

As you'll know, if you've read my blog for a while, I do this with varying degrees of success.

I don't want to lose him to someone else, that's for damn sure. But I do like the idea of sharing. 

Sometimes it's sexy and hot and sometimes it's submissive and obedient, and sometimes it's sisterhood. And sometimes I struggle with it.

And yes, sometimes I've been desperately jealous and unhappy. And fairly "out" about that, as I'm required to be with my submission. Which is complicated, right?

And I learn more about myself as we go.

I certainly have not been consistent about how I have responded to sharing him with other girls over time. So much depends on the other girls. Do they want to interact with me? Do they want to be friends? Do they want to be sexual partners? Do they want to domme me? Why yes I do try to get under everyone I encounter sexually, why do you ask? Do they want to displace me and take him away? Do they want to love him, do they want him to love them? Do they want me to be jealous of their relationship with him? Do they want to fight? Is it going to be about sisterhood and sharing experiences or about one upmanship? Do we have things we can offer each other.

While talking to one of his Subs-on-the-Side recently, she said to me that the only times she ever felt like we  were getting close to fighting, were all times when she could see I didn't feel like I was being heard. I really liked that actually. I did and do want to be heard. I think I feel that the opportunity to talk about it is my prerequisite (or is it a payment) for acquiescing to the arrangement. Because after all, a significant part of D/s for me is exploring and understanding how it makes me feel. 

So cuckolding, which is where I started, doesn't seem to apply in the same way to women who share their man. The official term is cuckquean for a woman who shares her man. Wikipedia says "Cuckquean refers to a woman with an adulterous husband. In modern English it generally refers to the sexual fetish in which sexual gratification is gained from maintenance or observation of sexual relations by a man with a woman or a number of women besides his girlfriend, wife or long-term female sex partner, and therefore, the reversed gender roles of a cuckold relationship." It also notes that the male is sexually dominant, the female is submissive, and sometimes is completely celibate, only becoming involved with the man or his lover when he permits it. I guess I'm glad I'm not celibate. It also notes that typically it involves some humiliation. Which I guess is why it turns me on.

I think it's different for men, more about competition, tons about humiliation, not so much about sisterhood/brotherhood. But jeez, I don't know, because I'm not a man. So I get how it feels for me, and why I like it, but I don't really get what appeals to me. Anyone want to wade in and discuss?

Bad Habits

Stress eating. Why do I do that?

And procrastination? Some day I will be past that, right?

I need to exercise more.

Aren't I old enough to have fixed all my bad habits?

Not By Accident

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I'd never met him.

You know how there are some people you meet over and over again, and you probably don't really remember the first time you met them, because if you hadn't met them that day, you'd have met them the next day. Or the day after that.
 

But he and I met by chance. And if we hadn't met that night, I don't think we'd ever have met.

So there must have been a reason. Right?

Thoughts on Submission

The I've been thinking a lot lately about what submission is to me.

I'm not always the perfect submissive. (Duh!)

Often I'm angry sub, or resentful sub or PMS sub. Occasionally I'm smart-ass sub. Though what really pisses him off is when I'm bratty sub. 

I'd like to be better. Maybe some of the way to do that is thinking about submission, and about why I want to be submissive. For me, writing about something often facilitates my understanding of it.

Why do I want to be submissive?

I have no idea. Seems like a lot of work sometimes.

Yeah, I know, smart-ass answer.

But it's sort of the truth. I don't really know why I WANT to be submissive.

I started down this path to feel desirable, and wanted and sexy. But that's certainly not the only answer.

The thing is, I'm not really submissive in life. Oh I am in the bedroom. But there's a difference between bedroom submission and being submissive. And mostly I'm not submissive outside the bedroom. I'm bossy and take charge.

Except to Him.

And I am to him because he wants it, and because I want it and because we've always been this way. And I want it because he wants it.

Seems simple enough?

Submission

Sometimes when I take the time to just think about things...they come into focus.

All that stuff that gets hidden in a jumble of things, of worries and day to day clutter.

Submission to him is what I want.

Sometimes I forget that. And I let other things factor in.

But the important thing is that I want to submit to him.

No, it's not the only important thing in my life. And the other things won't go away, they'll still be there.

But so will my submission. To him. 

Summer is Coming - I Know It

Today was better. I was less desperate. Summer will come. I will survive this.

Maybe it was because my drive home today only took 30 minutes instead of 90.

This was my parking spot last night. 

After I drove over the scariest bridge ever. In a fucking snowstorm. Okay, a blizzard. Slowly.

It has to end eventually right?

At least it's almost Friday.

Life in Canada

Another day, anot?

Enough already!

I feel like I spent most of my day yesterday driving around the city. Or trying to.

It took me 90 minutes to drive home from work - should have taken 35. Sigh.

I'm too discouraged (okay and too late) to find yet another cute facebook graphic for how much I'm hating this winter.

Damn white stuff. 

Happy Monday

Things that made me happy today?

That Big Bad and I didn't end this morning.

That he sent me a text saying, "I want a strong, smart, sexual woman, not a doll." And some other nice ones too.

And that the rest of my day is better than the crappy morning was.