Procrastination

Running is sooo hard some days. But really the hardest part is getting started. Motivating myself to put on my running gear and go down to the treadmill or out the door is huge. Today I have put it off for ages.

I should have run yesterday and managed to convince myself that I was just too tired. I ate the treat I had imagined I would have after I run, holding it out to myself as the carrot; persuading myself that I deserved it if I ran, like a good little girl. And then I ate it. And then I told myself now I HAD to run. And still didn't. Too tired. Exhausted from my day; from life, and stress, and ... yeah, just life.

Today... well Tuesdays its just hard to run, after a session with my Dom, or in between sessions. The sessions drain me, often hurting my body, tiring me, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Hard to run after that.

But today I had to run. I was off schedule already after yesterday and I refuse to fall behind the training schedule I want to meet.

And my weight isn't moving. Boo. And I have been pretty good. Yes I did eat the treat yesterday, but that put me 3 points over for the day, well within the flex points if I was using them, which I've been trying not to, but not beating myself up about if I do...

And I wasn't exhausted today, because the session with HIM was good, and fairly intense while it lasted, but shorter because HE really was focused on inauguration day with all the intensity of a political junkie who can't get enough. I think he had the TV on all day, and the attention I drew was during the slow news periods. (I don't resent it, not one day of TV focus, though I'm certain I would hate it if TV crowded out lots of our time together.)

And that did leave me with the energy to run.

So when I finally got myself onto the treadmill, it was easy, and I started to laugh at myself within the first ten steps. Why do I procrastinate? Why do I dread this? Its not great; its never gonna replace sex as fun, but its not terrible either. Its just a matter of doing it. And the key to that, is starting.

And do you suppose that Barack Obama found time for the gym today?

running is hard

omg it feels good when you stop! I have been running on the treadmill, and I use everything in the world to motivate myself, and its still hard hard hard.

I think about the half marathon I have committed to running. I think about being fitter, thinner, think about fitting into clothes, think about how great my muscles will look, think about being able to run faster than my kids, further, think about impressing them, if only for that one day.

I think about being able to run faster, more easily, with less effort. I think about it getting easier to do the distance, to do the time.

I think about the girl that motivated me to do this, much younger, thinner, fitter, and think about just finishing.

I think about the treat I can have if I finish the run, think about maybe not having the treat, and putting the extra calories towards the grand effort. I think about progress, slow but there.

I think about the songs that are playing. I think about anything I can think of to distract myself.

I think about one more minute, one more song, one more lap.

And then its over. Thank God! Running is hard.

progress?

today its hard to not hang around the fridge. I found a pretty book with empty pages to write my food and exercise points in. The book might be too pretty for such a utilitarian purpose, but thats negative thinking isnt it? I have the book, and should use it for something important... and thats me in this case.

It is better for me when i write down what I eat, makes me focus on what I eat, what I will eat, what i have eaten. i eat better things, better portion control. And am less likely to lose control. Though of course its still possible.

I was angry earlier. At the world I think. At injustice and accusations and inattention. From a variety of sources. And my usual response is to turn to food, my old friend. And in this case, in this unusual case, I managed not to. Go me.

I have faith right now. Faith in my desire to succeed at this diet, this change in lifestyle. I want to be thinner, to be prettier and fitter. To run faster. Thats a big one. To run with less effort. That would be amazing.

I wonder if I had pictures of runners, or better maybe of me running, if that would help. I wonder where i need the motivating pictures, on the treadmill? on my computer? on the kitchen cupboards?

I will run on the treadmill too, once I am not on mom duty. And do a thousand loads of laundry. And feel like an accomplished super mom.

I want to train for a half marathon and have been trying to run and really its pathetic. i cant believe i am as out of shape as i am. running for 20 minutes is hard, so hard and i sweat and strain and want to quit.

today i did 30 minutes, run walk, a slow pace, and wanted to quit pretty much the whole time after the first minute.

i look at training plans and despair. but i need a focus, a goal or i wont ever make myself do anything.

i need to lose about 25 pounds to really be able to run decently, i notice a real difference at that point, but i think that even 15 pounds would make a difference. god... who am i kidding, anything would help, but i keep going up and up and up