carpe diem

where to go now?

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Release

So what happened?

We fought all the time.

I wanted more. He felt guilty and defensive.

I probably made him feel guilty. I HATE that I did that.

We fought, made up, fought some more.

We stopped trusting each other.

We had one final fight, not a big one. At least I didn't think so.

And we broke up.

He released me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016


Being back to my blog is strange. It's like prying open the door to an old house and finding that it squeaks and creaks and there are some strange things as well as things I remember with joy.

It's a liberating thought that I can write anything.

That I will see my friends again. That I've missed you.

It's going to take me a couple days to figure things out. I can't even change the look of it anymore.

Can't rearrange the furniture or repaint or wallpaper. Boo.

I've moved some things that were published to a draft format. I might move them back to published in the future. If there's something you notice that is missing and you want to see it back, please let me know. I might as well know what y'all are thinking while I tidy up.

And yes, I have relationship things to share. I'm thinking about those, about where I am and how to tell it while I play with the rest. The rest is easier in a way. It's just technology. And publishing. Not feelings.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I Found My Way Back

I'm back. 

Things are different. 

I missed you all so much. My community that suddenly wasn't. I knew it was important to me, the support. But I don't think I realized how much. 

I used to hate it when bloggers just disappeared. It felt like a bit of a betrayal. I understand that. 

I'm sorry I left. 

I missed having a place to write that was my own. I missed having readers. 

I miss you guys. Every one of you, even those I don't know are there. 

And sorry I didn't find my way back before this. 

I will try to stay this time. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

What Do I Bring?

Sofia asks What is the most important quality you bring to you submissive role?

Jeez Sofia, some days I don't feel like I bring very damned much to my submissive role.

Some days I'm not very submissive. I'm an angry resentful woman.

I was more submissive before than I am now. Right now, in our relationship I'm hurt and it often splashes out in unsubmissive (he'd say "bratty") ways.

So what do I bring?

The desire to please him, which does come out fairly regularly. I really do want to please him both sexually and otherwise. Which often works to our advantage, and occasionally to our disadvantage, when I'm sure that I know what he wants and he wants or claims to want something different.

And a lot of history. Which is relevant in a couple of ways. It means that both of us remember how good it was, how good it can be, how good we want it to be, so we work at it more than we otherwise might. And it means that the habit of obedience is there, so if he orders me to do something I just do it, I don't question it.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014


Left Over Questions

Sofia asked me the following questions (and yes, I'm almost out of March) so can I still answer them in April? I assume you'll say yes.

Would you be submissive with someone other than BB? i mean, if for some unfathomable reason, you weren't going to be with him.

Sofia, I've thought about this one off and on a lot. Because it's not a sure thing that we'll be together forever. Sometimes it seems like we were made for each other, and other times it seems like we are doomed. So I guess it doesn't seem that unfathomable to me.

Yes I would be submissive with someone other than BB. I'm wired that way. I love pleasing, I love submitting, especially sexually. I love bondage and always have. I have come to love pain and even humiliation.

If I had another partner I'm certain I would be looking for D/s and I'm more certain I'd want to be on the bottom.

So then the question is would I look for a new Dom?

I don't really know.


Sometimes I think I would be SO over men and my sexuality (like that old joke where you trade in the man for a dog and then shoot the dog?). I think I'd be angry and hurt.  But would I stay that way forever? I doubt it. I love feeling desired. I love feeling pretty. I love flirting. I flirt with everyone I meet, men, women, Doms, subs, vanillas. I just do. I want to make everyone laugh and feel good about themselves.

So I expect I'd find a new person eventually.

OR, I'd go off in a huff and find someone right away. (Depending on what ended our relationship. And yes I'm that childish.) A rebound Dom. Would he be good for me? No. And then what? I don't know.

But yes, I look for dominance and try to get underneath it. It's what I do.

Monday, March 31, 2014

What Makes a Good Dominant?

 Sofia asks What is the most important quality for a Dominant? Has your opinion on this changed over time?

Gosh. I think there are several things that are important. And I think they are really just important to me, I don't know about anyone else.

And these aren't necessarily the things that would make him attractive to me, but the things that would make him a good Dominant.

Consistency. He has to respond basically the same way to things, day after day, year after year. If you let someone else control your stuff, they have to be fairly predictable or it won't work.

Realism. He has to understand you aren't going to jump off a bridge or murder your family in their beds. He has to start off slowly and not give you things to do that you balk at early on. He has to get your agreement to his dominance.

Imagination. He needs the ability to put himself into your shoes, just a little, just enough to understand what it feels like to X or Y or Z. So he knows about  (and probably gets off on) your pain, isn't just oblivious to it.If he's causing the pain, he should at least know and value that it's there. Or something like that.

Anyone else? What do you think?

And has my opinion changed over time?

Probably, like everything else does. But I think I always wanted consistency. It's a bit like living under the rule of law. You need to know what's allowed and what's not. If not, you don't know when you are breaking the rules and when you aren't. And it's not fair if you don't know, and I'm all about fair. I don't break the rules on purpose very often. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

The Quest for Perfect Submission

Responding to a recent post on submission, nilla asks a bunch of questions:
"so let me ask this...(and feel free to excoriate me here or in several future blogposts--think of the fun you'll have. :D)

Does he demand things that are unattainable for you?
Does he treat you unkindly or unfairly?
Is he bad for you? For your mental/physical wellbeing?
Does he drive you to do things that are harmful to your family?
Does he expect you to drop your entire life and attend to him in a way that makes you unhappy/uncomfortable/unsafe?

If not, then I'd guess you're the submissive he wants, needs, and chooses to be with.

Maybe, possibly, it's time for you know it, on a cellular level. Own it. Deal with it. And really believe it.
You two are together for a reason. Maybe it's because you deserve one another (grinning)...or maybe it's because your submission and his dominance are well meshed despite your constant 'struggle' to submit. I'm not sure what kind of perfection you're trying so hard to achieve, but maybe, possibly, you're already there and just haven't realized it yet."

Well nilla, I think you actually know Big Bad and I both fairly well. So it's interesting that you'd ask all this. Perhaps just to give me something to write about or maybe to point out that I talk about things that some readers wouldn't find all that relevant sometimes? Or just that some people wouldn't know what the hell I was writing about or why or what the hell my problem is. And why do I stay with a guy when I'm not perfectly happy with him all the time? And why do I write about it when I should just get on with things?

Anyway, good questions.

Yeah, I guess I could just get on with things, but both he and I love exploring and discussing our relationship, especially when it's good.

And I actually thought that post was fairly introspective, and very submissive, but not really whiny. It was a re-post of an email I had sent to him. I'm sorry you didn't care for it, but actually he was the primary audience it was intended for, and he loved it. So I think it was fairly successful. 

So on to your questions: And I hope this isn't excoriating, but I'll just answer as we go?

Does he demand things that are unattainable for you? Not usually, though he doesn't stop til I'm exhausted sometimes. But he doesn't suggest things that I absolutely cannot do. He's aware I can't fly or turn into a vampire. He has more sense than to demand impossible things.
Does he treat you unkindly or unfairly? Fair? What's fair in D/s nilla? It's not fair. And sometimes yes, it's unkind. He'll admit he's a sadist. So yeah, sometimes it is unkind.
Is he bad for you? For your mental/physical wellbeing? I don't know. Sometimes it's very hard to be okay with what goes on in our relationship. That's the mental. And the physical? See sadism above. Is he physically hurting me in a way that will damage me permanently? No.
Does he drive you to do things that are harmful to your family?  No.
Does he expect you to drop your entire life and attend to him in a way that makes you unhappy/uncomfortable/unsafe? Sometimes he makes me unhappy. Sometimes he makes me uncomfortable. I don't think he ever makes me unsafe on purpose, but that has happened too.

If not, then I'd guess you're the submissive he wants, needs, and chooses to be with. So, okay, there are some yeses and some nos in there. Imagine that? And yes, I am the submissive that he wants and chooses to be with.

Maybe, possibly, it's time for you know it, on a cellular level. Own it. Deal with it. And really believe it. Maybe that's true nilla. After all we've been together for a long time. However, our relationship has changed a lot during that time, and it has undergone a huge shift over the past two years. Perhaps you might be comfy with the changes. Honestly, I'm not really.

And if only it were that easy and I could just believe in it. Some days I absolutely do. And other days I struggle with it. I get disappointed, sad, pissed off. I'm a regular person. I have trouble believing in myself or the relationship.

And as you know, we've always struggled. There's a lot of passion in our relationship. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing. Btw, he likes my struggle. It's part of his kink to make me struggle.

And I started this blog to discuss my thoughts on the relationship and my thoughts about D/s in general. Actually I don't do as much of that as I thought I might, because:
1. I'm very much a work it out and then share it person (not always but often)
2. He reads here and doesn't appreciate me sharing the bad. He doesn't want to read it and he doesn't want me to share it.
But that was the initial intent.I do know there's a fair bit of whining about the relationship here. Honestly, it hasn't been great the past couple of years. And I think the blog has been a bit of a drag for that same period of time, because of that.

But I still like the blog, I still enjoy writing sometimes and I love the feedback I get from readers.

I do know that not everything I write appeals to everyone, and if you don't like that day's post, I suggest you just skim past and go on to one of the fabulous blogs on my blogroll.

And you conclude I'm not sure what kind of perfection you're trying so hard to achieve, but maybe, possibly, you're already there and just haven't realized it yet. I assure you that Big Bad thinks I'm often a pretty good sub, especially for him. He doesn't think I'm perfect, and he thinks I'm a fucking brat some days. I think I'm a pretty good sub some days, and spectacularly unsubmissive on other days.

I guess I'd like to wake up one day and just be the perfect sub. Though not a doormat. Just perfect. And I want to be very appreciated. And tall. And thin. And I want tons of time and money available too. And I'd like a corset. In red. Oh hell, I'd love a whole bunch of them while I'm at it. What do you mean that's more than 3 wishes?

I guess I'll keep thinking about it and writing about it.