carpe diem

where to go now?

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Declutter Blog?

So... is this going to be my new declutter blog? Ummm, probably not.

But I guess it's not going to be what it was.

I had a Dom, and now I don't.

And I need to figure out what to do about that. Whether I want a new one. Where to find one. What kind of relationship I'm looking for.

It's tiring just thinking about it.

The other one, the old one, just happened. I didn't really have to think about it. It just kind of grew that way.

Damn, life is complicated sometimes.

I wish I could just wave my wand and have everything be peachy.

This whole transition period, whatever it is I'm transitioning to... this sucks. I hate uncertainty.

But... the decluttering is going well.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Times, They are a Changing

Things are changing.

I'm getting used to the new normal.

Oh, don't be so quick to celebrate. I'm sure I will circle back around to depression, despair and denial.

But today, things seem slightly sunnier.

I'm trying to look on the bright side.

I'm getting my life cleaned up.

I'm clearing out the clutter. I mean literally and figuratively. I'm doing some major decluttering. You'd be proud of me. The corners of my room are open for the first time in an embarrassingly long time. I'm excavating, putting away, throwing away, giving away.

I'm proud of myself.

And trying to see the positive in every day.

Stay tuned for the next gripping instalment in my decluttering journal.

:)

Thursday, August 11, 2016

I Miss It

I miss it.

The dominance.

The connection.

The sex.

Even the pain. Maybe especially the pain.

What am I going to do?

I have no idea how to replace it. Where to get a fix.

I'm an addict and I've been cut off.

And I'm sad.

Damn.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Analysis

I'm really glad I posted what I did the last time on being released and that several of you said there were resources I could go to. Thanks for steering me that way. I've started researching release in Dom/sub relationships.

And it turns out that not surprisingly, they are different. We are different. We want to please, our relationships are about pleasing, about earning approval, so release is a clear sign that hasn't happened.

We put more into the relationships in terms of trust, honesty, dependency. If it's real we do. I guess this isn't mandatory.

Maybe even the fact that it's s different kind of relationship where all the norms aren't all laid out for us to see right from the beginning? So we don't know what to look for in a Dom, don't know what to select for, don't know how to be, during and after, don't know the risks.

Sagacity says: Coping with release produces some of the toughest emotions a submissive will ever face. Lost, alone, scared, lonely, no direction, unfocused, failure, guilt, panic, disappointment, depression are but a few of the emotions.


Yes, all of that. Wow. It really isn't just me gone crazy all of a sudden. What I'm feeling is normal in this situation. Because I do feel crazy, panicked, out of control. Bargaining, hysterical. That I'm a failure, disappointing - I feel like I wrecked my relationship. I feel scared. 

The withdrawal of approval is killer. It's brutal to my self-esteem and my sense of purpose. Directionless. Depression. Grief. 

I feel like I was a fool to do this, to trust, to put myself in this situation. Like I will never trust someone that way again. I did this to myself on purpose. This is my own fault for trusting. 

Anger. Thank goodness for the anger which is finally starting.

My best suggestion is to not face them alone. Seek out sis/bros, they have been there, they can help you through it.

Most people in my life don't know that I had this relationship and I can't out myself now.

I have one amazing friend, and I've leaned on her pretty heavily. She has been amazing and sympathetic and helped me and listened to hours of me talking, crying, silent. She seems like an endless well of friendship and she must be so freaking fed up with me. If I was her, I would be. 

So I'm reaching out to blog world. If any of you have any suggestions about anything you can think of that will help, I think I'm open to any and all. Links, books, pep talks, advice, (even advice that I should buck up), things I should do or think or just sympathy, I can use all the help I can get. 

Or if it's happening to you, or has happened. Write to me and let me know and maybe we can help each other. I know I'm not the first, and won't be the last. 

Some of you have already offered support, sympathy, advice or a hug. I really appreciate it. It's actually amazing how much it helped. Thank you. 

Hopefully your Dominant will also help you as much as possible, with Their aftercare of you.

No. He really hasn't. More on this later. But he really has not. Turns out that's important. 

I've found several sites with info, and I probably won't go through them all, some strike me as more helpful to me right now. But I'm going to start to keep a list of links that help. If you have suggestions, I welcome them.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Post-Release

... and now?

He released me.

I'm devastated.

I'm not coping. Or, I guess I am. I eat, sleep, go to work, try to interact normally with people. I walk around and everything is different.

I'm grieving for a relationship that was huge to me.

No one tells you how to do this in a Dom/sub context.

How to just be dumped by the guy who was my Dom, my Daddy, my Master. My friend. My lover. Who controlled so many things in my life.

I was honest. Open. I gave him all of me. That's what he demanded. And guess what? He decided he didn't want it.

It's...

My mind spirals. I'm out of control. I cry. I bargain. I overthink it. I spend hours, days, talking about him with my one friend who knows about him. I don't sleep. I alternate between binge eating and talking myself out of it.

And he... ? Is not the man I thought he would be if and when he released me.

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Release

So what happened?

We fought all the time.

I wanted more. He felt guilty and defensive.

I probably made him feel guilty. I HATE that I did that.

We fought, made up, fought some more.

We stopped trusting each other.

We had one final fight, not a big one. At least I didn't think so.

And we broke up.

He released me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Creaky

Being back to my blog is strange. It's like prying open the door to an old house and finding that it squeaks and creaks and there are some strange things as well as things I remember with joy.

It's a liberating thought that I can write anything.

That I will see my friends again. That I've missed you.

It's going to take me a couple days to figure things out. I can't even change the look of it anymore.

Can't rearrange the furniture or repaint or wallpaper. Boo.

I've moved some things that were published to a draft format. I might move them back to published in the future. If there's something you notice that is missing and you want to see it back, please let me know. I might as well know what y'all are thinking while I tidy up.

And yes, I have relationship things to share. I'm thinking about those, about where I am and how to tell it while I play with the rest. The rest is easier in a way. It's just technology. And publishing. Not feelings.