carpe diem

where to go now?

Friday, November 11, 2016

Loving Submission, Loving Dominance

Today I love this ...

stolen from somewhere on the net - if this is yours let me know and I will be happy to credit it

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Sub Drop - How to Deal

So what do you do about sub drop? 

I get it, lots of subs get it. I think Doms get Dom drop and maybe that's different but probably similar, a reaction after the intensity and the connection and the adrenaline? 

Someone else mentioned it yesterday. They didn't call it by name, but clearly they knew it could happen and because of that decided not to have a session. They were avoiding the possibility of sub drop. 

I've never avoided play because of possible sub drop, though maybe I should have sometimes. I never really expect that it will happen to me. I'm normally a fairly level person. Oh stop, I see you snorting and rolling your eyes. Yes you. 

I think with sub drop, because it doesn't happen right away, like the second I'm finished the session, I don't always connect the dots and realize what it is and what caused it. So... sometimes I recognize it and sometimes I don't. 

What I know about sub drop for me is that I get emotional, clingy, dramatice.  I'm cold. I'm a bit self destructive. I medicate with food. 

I just googled it and there are tons of articles... I'm going to research. I will be back. 

But in the meantime if you have stories or good suggestions or bad suggestions or, please comment. You guys are the experts, I think we are all the experts, right?

Friday, November 4, 2016

Better November

This November is better than most. 

I'm always blue in November. The weather sucks. I have bad memories, bad anniversaries. It's grey and horrible and cold. And dark. The leaves are gone and there's no snow yet to brighten things.

And now that I've said all that, this year seems better. 

Maybe I'm better? 

I'm still a bit down.  A bit more liable to be blue or to get mad. But really, I can tell already on the morning of day 4 ...

ok ok, there's some afterglow from morning sex and then another little session with the hitachi, 

but maybe that's my point? I'm going to self medicate with sex and love and joy. And find happiness wherever I can. And look away from the shit that makes me unhappy. 

November, you are going to be my bitch this year. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


I want to be like this bowl I want to be repaired and be better than ever, more beautiful, more treasured. I was broken. I'm fixing myself. I'm getting happy

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Be Zen

Be Zen.

It has been a rough couple of weeks.

Lots of real life shit in my life.

A friend died. Fucking cancer.

Two more people almost died. Everyone around me is wound too tight, too sad, too stressed.

I feel like I am absorbing all the sadness. That I need to help them if I can. But I'm drained by it.

So... I felt like I had run out of the ability to help.

And I also think I've run out of the patience of everyone who is trying to support me. My people are tired of me being angry, petulant, cranky, weepy.

I am too.

I want my life to just settle back to normal.


Sunday, October 23, 2016

When You Thought Your Friend Was Over That Guy

My friends must think I'm a masochist. Wait. I AM a masochist.

An addicted masochist I guess.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Three Weeks To Go

Three weeks to go and I'm hating media and social media and social interactions.

There's so much hate. And bashing and meanness. Sarcasm and name calling.

We've demonized the other side.

We can't imagine what the world will look like if the opposition wins.

We can't imagine what the opposition will do if we win.

This is bad guys.

We all need to scale back just a little and realize that nothing will change overnight, the world won't end. It will go on, pretty much as it has.

We all need to be a little nicer, a little kinder, and a little more accepting of people who don't think just as we do.

I guess that was me on my soapbox.

Play nice today friends.

Friday, October 7, 2016


Today is a good day, it's Friday, the sun is shining.

And everything looks pretty freaking rosy in my world today.

Image result for sometimes when a door closes

Oh, and maybe there are some new doors.

Monday, October 3, 2016

So Then...

This blog doesn't really seem like the right place for me to write anymore. 

It's funny because I felt like an exile for ages, and I was so happy to get back here and writing, and touch base with some of you again and yet... 

Things have changed for me. Relationships have changed. I'm changing. 

Writing here kind of feels like I have to conform to the expectations of who and what I was here a long time ago. Writing here got dangerous too, and it still doesn't feel like a safe space.

And it seems like I'm struggling to write here, I haven't written in almost a month and... I miss it and miss you and your comments. But yet I'm not writing. 

I feel sometimes like I'm struggling with craziness. Up and down and ... yes I know I always was, but now more than ever. Lots of uncertainty. 

So ... maybe this is a starter post. A stub. And I will come back often. Maybe. 

Maybe this post will open everything up again and things will flow. 

Or maybe I need to move on and write somewhere else. 

Or both? 

Of course, if you have questions, or suggestions or motivating things you want to say to me, to encourage me to write and share, just jump in and inspire me. 

Or maybe I will find my muse again. Wish me luck?

Monday, September 12, 2016

What am I Looking For?

I'm spending lots of time thinking.

Some time cleaning my house.

Some time trying on fall clothes and new lingerie.

Some time thinking about what it is that I'm looking for.

Am I still looking for the same things?

How can I find someone who perfectly fits the bill.

And what the hell does the bill look like anyway?

So I'm confused. But my house is pretty clean.

Oh and my new lingerie looks nice. Thanks for asking.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Declutter Blog?

So... is this going to be my new declutter blog? Ummm, probably not.

But I guess it's not going to be what it was.

I had a Dom, and now I don't.

And I need to figure out what to do about that. Whether I want a new one. Where to find one. What kind of relationship I'm looking for.

It's tiring just thinking about it.

The other one, the old one, just happened. I didn't really have to think about it. It just kind of grew that way.

Damn, life is complicated sometimes.

I wish I could just wave my wand and have everything be peachy.

This whole transition period, whatever it is I'm transitioning to... this sucks. I hate uncertainty.

But... the decluttering is going well.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Times, They are a Changing

Things are changing.

I'm getting used to the new normal.

Oh, don't be so quick to celebrate. I'm sure I will circle back around to depression, despair and denial.

But today, things seem slightly sunnier.

I'm trying to look on the bright side.

I'm getting my life cleaned up.

I'm clearing out the clutter. I mean literally and figuratively. I'm doing some major decluttering. You'd be proud of me. The corners of my room are open for the first time in an embarrassingly long time. I'm excavating, putting away, throwing away, giving away.

I'm proud of myself.

And trying to see the positive in every day.

Stay tuned for the next gripping instalment in my decluttering journal.


Thursday, August 11, 2016

I Miss It

I miss it.

The dominance.

The connection.

The sex.

Even the pain. Maybe especially the pain.

What am I going to do?

I have no idea how to replace it. Where to get a fix.

I'm an addict and I've been cut off.

And I'm sad.


Tuesday, August 2, 2016


I'm really glad I posted what I did the last time on being released and that several of you said there were resources I could go to. Thanks for steering me that way. I've started researching release in Dom/sub relationships.

And it turns out that not surprisingly, they are different. We are different. We want to please, our relationships are about pleasing, about earning approval, so release is a clear sign that hasn't happened.

We put more into the relationships in terms of trust, honesty, dependency. If it's real we do. I guess this isn't mandatory.

Maybe even the fact that it's s different kind of relationship where all the norms aren't all laid out for us to see right from the beginning? So we don't know what to look for in a Dom, don't know what to select for, don't know how to be, during and after, don't know the risks.

Sagacity says: Coping with release produces some of the toughest emotions a submissive will ever face. Lost, alone, scared, lonely, no direction, unfocused, failure, guilt, panic, disappointment, depression are but a few of the emotions.

Yes, all of that. Wow. It really isn't just me gone crazy all of a sudden. What I'm feeling is normal in this situation. Because I do feel crazy, panicked, out of control. Bargaining, hysterical. That I'm a failure, disappointing - I feel like I wrecked my relationship. I feel scared. 

The withdrawal of approval is killer. It's brutal to my self-esteem and my sense of purpose. Directionless. Depression. Grief. 

I feel like I was a fool to do this, to trust, to put myself in this situation. Like I will never trust someone that way again. I did this to myself on purpose. This is my own fault for trusting. 

Anger. Thank goodness for the anger which is finally starting.

My best suggestion is to not face them alone. Seek out sis/bros, they have been there, they can help you through it.

Most people in my life don't know that I had this relationship and I can't out myself now.

I have one amazing friend, and I've leaned on her pretty heavily. She has been amazing and sympathetic and helped me and listened to hours of me talking, crying, silent. She seems like an endless well of friendship and she must be so freaking fed up with me. If I was her, I would be. 

So I'm reaching out to blog world. If any of you have any suggestions about anything you can think of that will help, I think I'm open to any and all. Links, books, pep talks, advice, (even advice that I should buck up), things I should do or think or just sympathy, I can use all the help I can get. 

Or if it's happening to you, or has happened. Write to me and let me know and maybe we can help each other. I know I'm not the first, and won't be the last. 

Some of you have already offered support, sympathy, advice or a hug. I really appreciate it. It's actually amazing how much it helped. Thank you. 

Hopefully your Dominant will also help you as much as possible, with Their aftercare of you.

No. He really hasn't. More on this later. But he really has not. Turns out that's important. 

I've found several sites with info, and I probably won't go through them all, some strike me as more helpful to me right now. But I'm going to start to keep a list of links that help. If you have suggestions, I welcome them.

Sunday, July 31, 2016


... and now?

He released me.

I'm devastated.

I'm not coping. Or, I guess I am. I eat, sleep, go to work, try to interact normally with people. I walk around and everything is different.

I'm grieving for a relationship that was huge to me.

No one tells you how to do this in a Dom/sub context.

How to just be dumped by the guy who was my Dom, my Daddy, my Master. My friend. My lover. Who controlled so many things in my life.

I was honest. Open. I gave him all of me. That's what he demanded. And guess what? He decided he didn't want it.


My mind spirals. I'm out of control. I cry. I bargain. I overthink it. I spend hours, days, talking about him with my one friend who knows about him. I don't sleep. I alternate between binge eating and talking myself out of it.

And he... ? Is not the man I thought he would be if and when he released me.

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Release

So what happened?

We fought all the time.

I wanted more. He felt guilty and defensive.

I probably made him feel guilty. I HATE that I did that.

We fought, made up, fought some more.

We stopped trusting each other.

We had one final fight, not a big one. At least I didn't think so.

And we broke up.

He released me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016


Being back to my blog is strange. It's like prying open the door to an old house and finding that it squeaks and creaks and there are some strange things as well as things I remember with joy.

It's a liberating thought that I can write anything.

That I will see my friends again. That I've missed you.

It's going to take me a couple days to figure things out. I can't even change the look of it anymore.

Can't rearrange the furniture or repaint or wallpaper. Boo.

I've moved some things that were published to a draft format. I might move them back to published in the future. If there's something you notice that is missing and you want to see it back, please let me know. I might as well know what y'all are thinking while I tidy up.

And yes, I have relationship things to share. I'm thinking about those, about where I am and how to tell it while I play with the rest. The rest is easier in a way. It's just technology. And publishing. Not feelings.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I Found My Way Back

I'm back. 

Things are different. 

I missed you all so much. My community that suddenly wasn't. I knew it was important to me, the support. But I don't think I realized how much. 

I used to hate it when bloggers just disappeared. It felt like a bit of a betrayal. I understand that. 

I'm sorry I left. 

I missed having a place to write that was my own. I missed having readers. 

I miss you guys. Every one of you, even those I don't know are there. 

And sorry I didn't find my way back before this. 

I will try to stay this time.