carpe diem

where to go now?

Monday, December 29, 2008


Today has been slow, and so far my resolution is holding. Dont eat like a pig, dont eat because I am sad or stressed. Keep track of what goes in my mouth. Do my runs. I KNOW this will work for me, if I stick with it, but damn its hard to start.

And I know that tomorrow all my resolve will go to hell in a hurry when my houseguests arrive. And stay there til they leave on Saturday or Sunday, and then I will need to start over.

Ooops, pity moment. Must think resolve. Must think about success. Focus on the steps needed to get to where i want to be and on the goal itself.

the goal in this case is to be thin and beautiful (how thin and beautiful is up for thought and discussion and not completely determined yet) and to run a half marathon. No time specified, but I would obviously like to beat the last one. Shouldnt be impossible, the time was pretty lame.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I want to train for a half marathon and have been trying to run and really its pathetic. i cant believe i am as out of shape as i am. running for 20 minutes is hard, so hard and i sweat and strain and want to quit.

today i did 30 minutes, run walk, a slow pace, and wanted to quit pretty much the whole time after the first minute.

i look at training plans and despair. but i need a focus, a goal or i wont ever make myself do anything.

i need to lose about 25 pounds to really be able to run decently, i notice a real difference at that point, but i think that even 15 pounds would make a difference. god... who am i kidding, anything would help, but i keep going up and up and up

Monday, December 1, 2008


So I spent the weekend lurking around the internet looking for news of Kaya. Her blog was down and I was confused, frustrated, annoyed with that stupid smiling squid that was there in the place of her words of wisdom all weekend. I refreshed over and over, hoping she was back. Confused about what had happened, whether she had forgotten to pay the bill, or had moved and forgotten to leave a forwarding address. I didn't even consider that she might have left us all for good. Taken down her site. Wow.

Its odd, I think that bloggers like her, who have zillions of readers don't consider that we are her friends. She doesn't think of us as friends, and why should she? She doesn't know us. We know her, as she has chosen to share so much of herself with us, but she knows far less of us, with a few exceptions of people who she has become close to.

We are strangerfriends as someone said. We peek into her life. She shares some of it, restricts other parts. And we think we know her. We want to know her. We want the intimacy of knowing her. We like her, and want her to like us too. We wish her well.

This past weekend when I couldn't find her, I kept looking, compulsively, hoping that someone would mention her, someone would have word of her. But I didn't find her anywhere. And I missed her.

I knew that if she wanted to disappear forever she could and I couldn't prevent it. I had no way of finding her, like a casual friend who stops showing up for drinks at a bar, or doesn't turn up at the bus stop anymore.

Like the friend at the bus stop, we don't really know her, don't know her last name, or her phone number, where she lives or but we value her friendship, her humour, her insights and we hope that she will let us know.

And when I found her there today, her blog back, at first I was delighted, she paid the bill, all was forgiven, but with the first line, where she says "I had every intention of shutting down and walking away..." my heard sank.

Your strangerfriends are sad for you Kaya, we wish you well. We feel we know you, we want what is best for you. We even think we know what that is. Is that hubris?

should I tell?

He is away, and I miss him, and have written to him several times, but haven't told him yet about this blog. Does that omission count as a sin of omission?

I haven't done anything yet, the failure to tell isn't that big a deal.

But I should have told him that I started a new blog. Should have said "hey Master, guess what? I decided to write a blog."

But before I do that, I want to decide what I want this blog to be. Do I want it to be a refuge from him? Do I want it to be a place where I can talk about him, say horrible nasty mean stuff about him when I want to, when I need to? Or do I want it to be more dignified than that? A place where I don't wash all my dirty laundry for all the world to see?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

my first time

wow... where to start?

its like facing a blank canvas, thrilling, intimidating, full of promise. A diary which will document my thoughts and hopes, secrets. A diary, which by existing, supposes that I will have secrets. Thats exciting. And scary.