Keeping Sweet

I just finished Escape, a book by a woman from a fundamentalist sect of the Latter Day Saints (FLDS). The book, by Carolyn Jessop talks about her life as a wife in a polygamous marriage, at the time she was one of 7 wives, married to a man much older than she was. And of course, as the title would suggest she was unhappy and felt powerless and eventually fled the relationship, the church, the culture. So she has a point of view.

Reading the book, I couldn't help but think about power relationships, as she cared for her husband, obeying him completely. The relationship was very traditional, very male dominated, male centred. And their society is very male centred, taking orders as gospel when they come from the prophet.

I'm not trying to slam anyone's religion here. Just pondering on submission and different aspects of it.

Obviously her brand of submission would not be mine. I would never be as powerless, as isolated as she is. Her submission was given to this man, as a priest, who would be her intermediary to God, by order of her parents and her religion.

As I write this I keep erasing, because I keep confusing the aspects of submission and those of polygamy. I am fascinated by polygamy, always have been. I like the idea of sharing a man. But this polygamy was not like my happy little fantasy.

Her submission or perhaps its her subjugation was deepened by the fact of the polygamy. The availability of all his wives meant that Carolyn's husband had little or no need for her love or approval. All her power came from him. None of his came from her. The relationship was very unequal.

One little phrase in the book made me think of my own submission. The FLDS sect used the phrase "keeping sweet" for a state of mind of submission and cooperation. And I know exactly what they mean by it because my Dom and I use it the same way. "Keeping sweet".

That's the way he likes me best. Sweet.

What an odd juxtaposition, my very sexual D/s relationship, with that fundamentalist culture. But I saw a clear parallel in my Dom knowing I am easiest to deal with when I am sweet.

sin

Speculation

In the comments on another blog I saw this statement, "My ex Master once made me hold my cum for one year…" and it has stuck with me. The commenter had a name but not a link to a blog, so there's no way to sneak in and see what the story is, but I am so curious.

Can you imagine not cumming for a year?

Yes, I know there are people who never ever cum, most of them are women. And there are people who cut themselves off from sex, or people for whom sex is not important, or people who become physically incapable of having sex.

But I'm not really talking about them, though my heart goes out to them.

What I am talking about is the idea of the Master saying to the submissive, either "you won't cum until I give you permission" or "you won't cum for a year." Can you imagine either of those situations? Can you imagine being so submissive to someone, loving them so much (I guess that "loving" comment says something about my submission doesn't it), feeling so solid in your submission that you would agree not to cum for a year?

Whether you knew at the beginning how long it would be or whether you slid into the realization more slowly would matter. At least it would matter to me I think. Though with the first, you would make a decision to endure, and with the second it would just slowly creep up on you.

My own Dom will read this and it will make him consider it, at least for a moment. He likes denial. I do too, but not like that. I like denial for half an hour and then being made to cum. Not denial like this.

Would my Dom wonder whether he could make me do it? How would he approach it with me?

Would I do it? Would I do it if I knew up front? If he said to me that either as punishment (for what heinous crime?) or just because he wanted it, for control or teaching, that I wouldn't cum for a year, would I agree? Or would that be something I couldn't agree to? It seems unthinkable that I would revolt over something like that, yet there's so much wrapped up in that concept.

And if he gave it all at once, in some ways it would be finite. It would be a known thing, a decision to be made and discussed perhaps, even protested, but knowing all the facts, rather than a creeping realization with increasingly desperate protests. You can see that I have given this some thought.

How would I feel if it happened? Sad, mad, bad. I think I would feel desperate at times, and at other times I would try to separate myself from what was happening, just try to ignore it. At times I would be bratty I think, to get attention that wasn't coming in other ways, or just to make him acknowledge that what he was doing wasn't fair. It would be hard, maybe impossible to just suck it up day after day, month after month.

Of course I assume that he would not go the same year without an orgasm. He would likely not be celibate. He would likely make me serve him, suck him, stroke him, even fuck him, just without cumming. Can you imagine it?

I assume he would want me to be turned on as he fucked me, used me, and yet he might not want that. Perhaps he would want me totally sexless, though that seems less likely. Would he mind if I was angry?

It would be unacceptable in our relationship for me to refuse him sex or sexual service. But it would also be unacceptable for me to refuse to obey for that year. I believe that refusal of something like that would be relationship damaging, if not actually ending.

My sexuality is so wrapped up with my feelings of desirability, of sexiness, of worth. Sex and orgasms make me happy. All that will sound so obvious to some, and so silly to others. But really, the way I live my life now, sex is important to my self esteem.

And would that be the point of it all, to mess with her self esteem? Or was it punishment? Or just what he wanted? For control or to teach something? Did he decide all at once, or did it kind of grow on him too? And was there an end to it or did she finally rebel and take a stand, or rebel and leave? What an intriguing story.

What is the longest you have ever been denied orgasm for? And why? Or, if you are a Dom(me), what is the longest you have denied someone for? Same question. Why?

I wonder...

Don't you wonder sometimes what pain feels like from the point of view of the sadist? Don't you wish that you could understand the sensation they get from it?

I kind of know. I know he tells me its power that he gets. That it makes him feel powerful. That sometimes that power translates into sex.

I assume that the power comes from knowing he can do what he wants with me, from knowing I freely offer the pain to him.

But when I look up sometimes, and see him leaning forward, utterly intent, looking like he wants to swallow me alive, I wish I could climb inside his head just for a little while and really live it.

And its silly because I know I would hate it. I hate causing pain to someone else. Its not that I am a wimp, but the idea of purposely causing someone physical or emotional discomfort would make me squirm.

And I love that he loves it. I love that he loves me for it. Its complicated isn't it?

Comments? From either team?

Choices

Friends of mine are getting married this weekend. Which is amazing and I am happy for them. I am struck by the reasons they are getting married, which include companionship and money and I think genuine caring. He is a good stepfather for her kids. And I do think their marriage is likely to work out, or at least I hope so.

I think its remarkable for a couple of reasons. When she got married the first time, she married a big buff athlete. And was not happy. They weren't compatible. They had no money. And all the resulting stress. So it seems like she is looking for something pretty different this time.

I think that if I chose a new man, the differences I would look for would not be about companionship and security.

They would be about D/s.

I think...

Clarification

Even before Cutesy Pah commented on my last post, my Dom had told me he was uncomfortable with it. It makes me sound like a stalker he said. No no I told him. I said it was theoretical. I said it was fantasy. I said it was discussion.

So just to clarify, he doesn't want all that from me. It was a discussion on the kinds of things that would make me uncomfortable. He has never asked any of that from me.

sin

100% Submission

The other day he asked me, in what I think was a strictly hypothetical question, if I would want to submit fully, 100%. I asked what he meant by his question. He said it meant he would set all the rules, all the time, about everything. I said don't we have that now? He said no way. His examples included kids, career, weight, food, clothes.

In our current situation, that doesn't happen. We don't live together. We don't actually live in the same city. His ability to control all those elements is limited by the distance, and I have always assumed that it was also limited by his disinterest in controlling most of those things. In order for him to control all that he would have to work too hard and make too many judgements from afar. It doesn't happen. I live my life, and he controls some parts of me. He takes pieces of the rest sometimes. And sometimes that works well and sometimes not.

So we don't really know what it would be like if we lived together but we were playing with the idea. When I have thought of what it would be like it sometimes I romanticize it. And sometimes it scares the hell out of me. I think about how much of me he would want to control, and it seems like there wouldn't be much left untouched.

When we discussed it more, he said that he would work to ensure that despite the control he would want, the power he would take from me, he would want to ensure that I was myself, and was proud to be myself. I know he likes me strong, self-reliant. I assume he would leave me some of that.

Its scary to me, how much of me he wants to control sometimes. And I change for him, not necessarily changing the way that I think, but changing the way that I act. He gets involved in my friendships, one in particular, with a friend he doesn't like. He has set limits both explicit and implicit on my interaction with her, and it has changed my relationship with her. And so the rule I set for myself at 12 years old, that friendship was more important that boys, goes by the wayside.

And there are other rules too, that I think I have always held inside me, that have shaped the woman I became, that he has made me change. I give in, I concede when I don't think I am wrong. I don't fight the fight to the death anymore. I let other people plan for me, even when I think I know better. I let him decide. I try not to backseat drive.

Now you might think that all these concessions would make me an easier person to live with. And you would likely be right. But my point is that he has changed me, is changing me. And I worry about it sometimes, wondering what will be left of the me that started once he is done. And the corollary of course, will he still love me and want me once I am changed?

I always believed that you couldn't really change a person, and here I am changing for him. I'm a pleaser, and I love to be the woman he wants, but is it right for me to change?

So back to our discussion this week. He mentioned career, about putting it into his hands. Gosh that would be hard for me. What if I thought he was wrong in his decisions? What if it was bigger than insistence that I try for this promotion and don't try for that one? What if it was more than telling me to work overtime or not. What if he told me to quit my job? What if he made me give him my paycheck, and left me with no safety net? My need for a financial safety net is a pretty integral part of me and has been since I was a kid. How would I deal with orders like that?

We didn't even talk about examples of control over my kids. That question is even bigger. I think I am a pretty typical mom, and would fight to the death to protect my kids. Giving control of that would be huge. I think he hung it out there as something he knew I couldn't give easily.

I expect that he will read this, and if I have expressed it right, he will also be torn between the part of him that wants total control over me and the part that loves and respects me as I am. He doesn't want me as a doormat or as a doll. He loves the strong woman that I am, he loves me more when I submit that to him completely.

We skimmed over talk of submitting control over money, and went to weight. He would like more control over my weight, that's one of the safer, more solid points in this discussion as it is one we have had many times already. He wants me thinner, I want it too. So its a place where at least we would want the same objective even if we differed on how to get there.

And then somehow we wound up at a discussion of piss. Lots of subs asks permission to piss. I don't. As I said, we live in different cities so it would be very impractical. And even if we didn't he doesn't want that kind of micromanaging control over me. He doesn't want to have to take the time that would take. It would be a big job for him and that's not really what he is looking for. And I hate piss play. Hate it. Which naturally makes the whole idea more interesting to him, because its so humiliating for me. Its ridiculously humiliating for me, and so easy for him. He does think my aversion to it is ridiculous, laughable, and so powerful. Because he can make me do anything.

And that's what this whole discussion was about after all. He was asking me to think, hypothetically, about the struggles I would have in submitting more to him than I have in the past. Kids, career, weight, and more. Because of course there is more power for him in something that is harder for me to submit. And although its more humiliating for me to think of piss play than him controlling my kids or my money, its actually back in the realm of what he has controlled before. Although it threatens a limit I thought I had, its a limit he pushed past long ago.

So it was sort of a relief to move away from the idea of him having control over my interaction with my children and back to piss. But not entirely.

We were talking about power and control and negotiation. He talked about short periods of increased control or punishments. I said to him "I cannot imagine a relationship where I had to ask your permission to go to the bathroom." His response? "Maybe you would be required to bring me all of your piss at the end of each day." I know I pulled back in horror, thinking of bringing him that jar, or bucket or whatever full of piss. I flashed on how I would feel, some of the details of it. And I felt, despite the fact that the discussion was hypothetical, about a situation that will likely never happen, I felt the flash of humiliated blush, the heat and horror in my face. And I felt rebellion, thought that it would serve him right if I spilled it as I brought it. All that in a flash, in 10 seconds, before I asked him if I flinched, and he said yes.

Maybe the story just shows that I am not ready. Maybe it says to him that I am. I think sometimes its all one big experiment. The push and pull of a relationship, new to me, always new because its D/s. And I want it, and I don't.

I do know that there's a huge difference between my situation and the way some of you actually live. Some of that difference is about our living situations, that he and I are separated by distance. Some of it is about the people we are, the baggage we come with. Everyone is different.

It was a fascinating discussion, mostly fantasy I think, though that's a funny term to put on the discussion we had. It was hypothetical, and unlikely to ever really be relevant. But it makes us think about my submission and his dominance and what we both want from that. It makes us think about where we are going and how far we have come, makes us know ourselves better. I suppose you could say it advances our thinking on the matter which we both love.

I am Yours

Renea from http://aslavestale.blogspot.com/ wrote an entry about how to treat a slave, and its very poetic I thought. Please go and look... http://aslavestale.blogspot.com/2009/05/care-and-feeding-of-slaves.html

I love it. It expresses so well, the need, the vulnerability I feel sometimes; the need to have him care for me, when I am too owned, too used, too drained to care for myself. Because I have trusted that he will and given myself to him with no reserves.

And it tells him that even though he thinks he has finished training me, he never really has.

And I do want to copy it here too, though I am trying to resist. I think that to me it furthers the discussion, puts it in context so someone reading my blog can see what I admire. Though of course, this way a reader is offered a link to her blog to admire it in the context she placed it in.

I also think that my desire to put it here in my blog is a bit acquisitive. Its like seeing art that I love and wanting to hang it in my house, so that everyone can see it, and know, not that I painted it, but that I saw it and loved it.

sin

Blog etiquette

I have a question about blog etiquette. And I want opinions this time, from you bloggers or from non-bloggers. I think there will be different views on this.

If I see something I like on another blog and want to copy it to my blog, in order to comment on it, usually liking it, would that be appropriate? I would reference where I got it, and probably link to it too. But is it appropriate to copy? Or do you think people would be offended?

I have seen poems that I liked, and wanted to quote here. I've often seen other writing that I liked too. But I have hesitated because I didn't want to offend anyone. And I don't want to just link to something on another blog. I would prefer to copy it and comment on it, that way my comments are in context.

So, what do you think? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? How do you personally feel about someone copying something from your blog, or linking to it?

The gift

He gave the gift back to me. He said that it was becoming a struggle for both of us and I guess I agree. It hurt me that he gave it back though.

Day 8 - Nothing...

My instructions for today were that if I wanted anything I had to ask and be given permission. If I wanted to read porn I would have to ask and be granted permission. If I wanted to masturbate, I would have to ask and be granted permission. If I wanted to cum, the same thing.

I have done none of those things. Not because I was reluctant to ask, though that certainly might be the case some days. And might be more likely after a day as emotionally rough for me as yesterday was. But that's not it. I simply don't want it much. I feel like the last week has been an emotional roller coaster of epic proportions. There has been sex and pain and denial and angst. Yesterday was complicated and confusing and miserable.

Today is a relief.

I second guess that sentence as I see it sitting there. Will he be angry when he sees it? Will he feel that I don't want his dominance? Will he feel like he has pushed me too hard? Will he make me pay for it tonight or in the coming days? Or will he understand me better than I understand myself as so often happens? Will he know better than I what I feel and why?

Mid afternoon, when he asked how I felt about it, I was jolted a bit and considered trying to sex myself up. He would like that. He loves when I ask, when I beg for sex, for permission. And I could do that, I wouldn't mind.

I'm not really interested in sex at all today, though I could be, and of course would be if he wanted it. I'm not interested in sex but I want to please him.

I feel submissive. I want to be submissive. I want to be pleasing. Hopefully I am doing that, although its not sexual at all. One of the things I have begun to realize is that I am more uncertain of our relationship and of his reaction when there is no sex between us. I guess that's something to work on.

Something else that I have begun to realize during this time, which has been pretty intense, is that to make it work I have to hold onto my submission. If I get mad or sad or frustrated and let the submission slip, I need to get it back, and I have been able to get it back under control pretty well I think. Maybe I am learning at last?

And I wonder what is next in store. It seems like he has chosen a bit of everything to incorporate into his gift. So... what's next?

Day 7 - Cat and Mouse

So hard to summarize Friday for my blog. It was complicated.

My day was hard. Lots of things were unbelievably complicated and frustrating. And some of my feelings about that splashed back up onto my Dom as he tried to get access to me today.

Some of it splashed him and I think he felt like it was more than it was. I think he felt like he was pushing too hard, interfering too much.

And its a tough call. Because he DID push really hard. And part of it was something I hated.

His instruction for today, Day 7, was that I would go to work wearing the butterfly vibrator strapped onto me for the day under my clothes, and with two twist ties wrapped onto my nipples, that I would use the vibrator for 5 minutes in every 2 hour time period. And that I would cum twice today. And that one of those orgasms would be at work.

Complicated instructions, which he likes. But I could read into it that he would want access to me for the 5 minute intervals. He didn't ask for that specifically, but I knew he would want to know, would want me to call him. And I didn't. I didn't want him in the 5 minute vibrating sessions I was doing at work, because of course that would make them longer, noisier, more humiliating. He would want me to say things that would embarrass me. Not to actually get me caught. I'm absolutely clear on that. He doesn't want me caught. But he likes fucking with me, likes making me say things that could arouse the suspicion of the friend in the next cubicle, wondering who I am talking to and why on earth I am saying the things I am saying.

So I didn't really make a point of not telling him, but I managed to have the first two happen without him. And then I did realize what I was doing, and tattled on myself. And I think he was annoyed. His instructions had been followed, but I think he was disappointed and maybe even hurt by me not wanting him with me, not giving him all of me he could possibly have access to.

From that point on, I made more of an effort, pushing myself harder. And I think he pushed me harder too.

Which meant that mid afternoon he vibrated me, and then told me to go to the ladies room and call him, and he would make me cum. So I did and he did, and it was terrifying. I was so worried I would get caught. There were interruptions as people came in and I went silent so they wouldn't hear me talking on the phone in the stall. He brought me closer and closer to orgasm, and just as I was on the brink of it someone came in. She brushed her teeth, then peed, then washed her hands. It was endless, with him talking to me all the time and me wondering if she could hear his voice saying filthy things in the quietness. When she finally left he started me again. I was so tense and stressed it was hard to cum. I touched and rubbed and prayed and tried to relax and finally I started to cum, and as he was offering the phone guidance that I had to be quiet the door opened and someone else came in. I was cumming as she came in and had to stifle it completely. While he talked dirty and she did her hair! I sat there in silence, biting my lips, holding the phone close to my ear to stifle his voice so she wouldn't hear, and reeling from the pain crashing into my nipples suddenly.

Finally she left and I could tell him I was alone again. He teased me, maybe gently, that I was a slut, that I had had to cum quietly, that I should have picked a quieter bathroom. And I was so humiliated and wound so tight that I was miserable. I couldn't even communicate. I was almost in tears.

He grew gentler with me then, I think realizing that he had pushed me hard. He sent me back to my office to recover, to pull myself together. Which I did, rather shakily.

I called him later to share the last 5 minute session with him. I think he was pleased. I didn't think he knew how I felt though, during the bathroom session. I'm sure he wondered though. He would have wondered if the heat overcame the humiliation and fear of doing it at work to make me want it. The answer, no Sir, not this time.

So, why the difference? Because sometimes it does. I think the stress from the rest of the week, and especially my day. And the pain from the twist ties, which is also a big stresser, which today went on all day. I think I was just wound pretty tightly and I felt like I caved under pressure.

I wish I had responded differently, but I really tried. I tried to be submissive, to be sweet, to give him what he wanted. It was really hard to say yes sir, to the elements that I dreaded, but I did. I did cum, overcoming the dread and reluctance in the bathroom to actually cum, then wanting to cry as some stranger walked in on me, interrupting my orgasm which continued nonetheless, and the following pain from my nipples.

He reminded me that I had to cum again, at home. I wonder if he thought I was reluctant. He said to me that if I waited for him, he would get me off. That made me smile. All that power, to make me do whatever, and he still just wants to see me, hear me, be with me when I cum. Sweet eh?

And he did help me cum, but I sure wouldn't describe it as "getting me off", and it wasn't sweet either. He did let me masturbate with him watching but he was mean about it. He made me ask him permission for things and then said no, set a new condition that had to be done first, and made me ask for that. I felt like I was taking two steps backward for every one forward. Often he said no to the things I asked. And I was working to a deadline and seemed to be getting further and further from making my goal. Finally he took pity on me and actually let me touch my pussy, which eventually got me off. Though even that was complicated a bit by the fact that I was raw in places from wearing the butterfly all day yesterday. I did cum but it wasn't a great orgasm, just a relief that I could manage it at all.

And I felt confusion. I had thought it would be sweet, loving, time together. He had wanted tons of time with me, I had been so busy this week, finally we were getting the time he wanted. I had thought, hoped, that we would love each other a bit. He knew I was looking forward to it. But it wasn't like that. He made it hard for me, made me humiliate myself. And he must have known how much I wanted it to be something different.

I hate that my gift to him has been subsumed under the crud of ordinary life. Usually he and I give each other special time which we have managed to sever from the rest of our lives, and keep clear for each other. We work hard for that time and protect it jealously. We always want more. And we find other bits of time here and there. Lovers can always find time to steal. But, this week he has wanted a lot from me, and its been a week that was already overcrowded with other things. And he, aware of the possibilities, and of what he wants, hasn't been happy. And I have been aware of his disappointment.

So... now what Master? I know you don't like limits. You aren't with me to focus on the things you can't have. And yet you wouldn't change my real life, not really. I don't like the limits on you either. And I don't like disappointing you. And I don't like playing at my office.

I think that my feeling about the day was that it was hard. He made it hard, made me struggle, took pleasure in torturing me and fucking with my mind. I guess that's part of the joy of having a relationship with a sadist.

I asked him later what he felt when he had me on the phone in the bathroom. He said he knew I hated it, knew it was a nightmare for me. He said there was huge power there for him.

For him, I think the day didn't go as he had planned. He was disappointed, and so he turned it darker, and instead of being about togetherness it was all about power; his power to make me do whatever he wanted me to do. Whenever he wanted it. His power to make me crawl.

I didn't like that part. But I crawled. Its what he ordered after all.