Some years, some time in December, I have written a retrospective on the past year and my hopes for the future.
This year that isn't gonna happen in any kind of detailed way because I'm having a New Years party, I have a house full of house guests, including a mother-in-law (not mine thank goodness!) and a dog. Lots of preparations still to go and a booze and ice run to make and I just submitted some work stuff.
But I guess I can't just leave it without saying anything, without some acknowledgement of what has been before and my hopes for the future.
2010 wasn't a banner year for me. It made me question some of the things I thought about myself and my submission and my relationship with my Owner. It was stormy and troubled for much of the year.
But that's the dark side.
The brighter side is that we survived it, and maybe it will make us stronger.
The new year starts with some constraints on time and privacy. These frustrate both of us. And I have to keep remembering, keep reminding myself that he wants the time with me too. I have to remind myself that the lack of time and attention isn't what he wants.
I want all the things I've every wanted. Attention, love, sex, dark stuff that he knows about, that he brings out in me, that I don't have the time or the inclination to share more publicly today. I freakin love you so much Master.
I have enjoyed my blog and my readership, though even that has been a frustration for me at times this past year. Honestly, I feel flattered by your readership and honoured by your friendship. Thank you all for that. (And how much do I like Kelly for telling me today that she is reading back though previous years. Nice!)
Resolutions? Yeah, I have some, weight, and exercise and me time. Patience and peace and profession.
I hope you all have a party or some other fun thing planned for tonight. And if not, make your own fun. C'mon, do something fun for yourself, Happy new years for tonight and the coming year.
sin
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
A Different Threesome
I wrote this story for my Owner at his request - the back story is in the previous couple of posts if you are just getting caught up. I hope you like it.
We meet them at a party; the first night of a weekend D/s fair and you and the other Dom strike up a conversation right away. You seem to have a lot in common and you are both intrigued by the other's girl. You briefly chat about swapping and I hold my breath, hoping that won't happen as the idea makes me nervous. After some conversation you decide to share in separate threesomes. He will share his girl, Dara, with us one night, and the other night you will share me with them. You negotiate for which night of the weekend will belong to which Dom.
I'm not thrilled with the idea and you know that, so you don't bother to consult me and you don't tell any back story to the other Dom and Dara either about why I am unenthusiastic. "She doesn't like the idea of sharing me," you announce. "Jealous, threatened. Doesn't want to see me with another girl. But I think it's good for her."
The other Dom, Master Stone, chuckles a little, perhaps at the idea of a subgirl having any preference and jerks his head to Dara who falls to her knees and starts nuzzling his crotch though his leather pants.
Both of them are all in leather. He's a big man, tall and muscular, and fairly handsome, and wears leather pants and a vest and boots. She wears a micro-mini and a little leather vest, more than a bra but not much more. She also has high boots over the knees, very sexy on her big tall dark body. She has long dark hair and café au lait skin and toned muscles show in her arms. She wears a leather collar too, a narrow black one that says BITCH across the front in block letters.
She nuzzles and mouths and strokes his cock and balls through his pants as you carry on the discussion, she's squirming at his feet. You discuss various ways and means and I can tell you are hungry for his girl and eventually you decide to flip a coin. You call tails and tails it is. Your choice then, and you choose tonight, and Master Stone nudges Dara with his knee and when she looks up at him he indicates that she should move over to you. She nods and without any apparent emotion beyond desire, she shifts her body and crawls the couple of feet to you. He backs up a foot or two to become part of the crowd of onlookers that gathers.
You lean down to her and ask her if she likes girls and she nods emphatically and says that she does. "Good girl," you say to her. "This is my slut, sublime and she needs some convincing tonight. See what you can do with her will you?"
She looks at me with a gleam in her eye, then at you and asks if she may stand and if she may touch me? You give permission to both of those things and she gets to her feet and come to me. She is taller than I am anyway, maybe taller than you, but in her super high heels she is very tall and even a bit intimidating for all she's a girl and a sub and was grovelling at his feet a moment ago.
She keeps moving towards me til she is touching me and says to me "You'll like me girl. You'll like me a lot. She bends to kiss me and I'm startled that she would without being told, this is way beyond what you would want from me without being told, and I don't know, I'm uncertain and yes sir, still reluctant. She's in my space and I move back and she moves with me, but I can't back up far there's a wall behind me and the next thing I know I'm backed right against the wall and she is pressed up against me. I'm sandwiched between her muscular body and the wall and she takes my wrists above my head, holding me there. There's nothing subtle now, and everyone must be looking at us. But I can't really tell. She moves to kiss me again and this time I let her, I have no choice really. Her thigh is between my legs, pressing into my crotch and helping to hold me there and she moves it so I am riding it. It goes from 0 to 60 pretty damn fast.
She stops and looks at you for approval and you tell her good girl and to go on. And then without warning she takes both my wrists in one of her hands still over my head and puts her hand on my tit. I'm wearing a ruffly black top, and short shorts and boots, along with my pretty collar and wrist cuffs. and she squeezes my breast through the top hard, massaging and squeezing me, gripping it so hard it hurts, and I squeak with surprise and then she pinches the nipple hard through all the layers and then she starts to peel the top away so that she can expose my breast and I start to struggle and to say "no wait. Master please I don't want this Sir. Not here, not like this."
Perhaps that's what you were waiting for? Or maybe you hoped I wouldn't balk but were prepared anyway. You reach into your toy bag and pull out the ball gag and you come to stand right next to us. "Open your mouth sub," you say to me and I protest, "but Sir, I'm sorry Master, I'll be good" and I realize that you are determined. I'm not sure if you are angry or not, but absolutely determined so I open my mouth and you push the big purple ball into my mouth and fasten the strap behind my head pulling it so tight it hurts me. "There. No dissenting voice now," you say with satisfaction. "You may go on," you say to her.
She squeezes my tit again and then peels the top away from it and then the bra underneath it, exposing my naked breast and erect nipple. She bends her head and licks it, like a cat, and then sucks it, and then bites it just for a second, then sucks it again. I moan and sway and both of you laugh a little.
"Go on," you say to her, your voice is harsh, I hear the want in it, you love this. She exposes my other breast the same way and starts sucking and nibbling on it and then she has her hand on my shorts covered crotch and she is massaging my pussy through the shorts. I squirm away from her and you laugh and say "careful subgirl I can attach your wrist cuffs too. Do you want me to use those?"
She turns and gazes at you, attracted by the determination, the control, the fierceness I think.
You grab her hair and kiss her, you have to bring her head down to do it, she towers over everyone in those boots. And then the kiss turns rougher and your hands are all over her as you kiss, in her hair and on her skin, her waist, her tits through the leather and then on her ass. And hers are still on me, holding my hands over my head, holding my pussy.
"No panties slut," you say to her, discovering her nakedness under her leather. "Spread your legs for me," you order and she does so. "Your turn subgirl," you tell me, indicating her top and I undo a couple of snaps till I can spread it wide enough for her tits to fit though the opening. You are fingering her cunt as I do it and she is riding your fingers and rocking her hips. "Suck her nipples sub," you order me, "Oh no, you cant do that because you were a bad girl. Just play with them then, pinch them and pull them and get them ready for my clamps."
I do as you say and we play with the girl and get her very very turned on as the crowd watches us, she still has her hands on me, back on my titties now and she's kissing you. "Don't you dare cum without my permission," you warn her. Yes sir, a good time for that warning I think, much longer and it might have been too late. She moans and squirms more.
"Get the old clamps and the clovers sub," you order me, and I pull them out of the toy bag and wait with them in my hands. "Now tighten the old clamps up as tight as they go. And hang then from your top for now. And then fasten one clover clamp on Dara's pretty left nipple." Her nipples are dark, pointy, hard as little rocks. I stare at you, dismayed. I've never done this before, never clamped anyone, and I don't want to and you know it. You know this. Surely you won't make me.
"Do it sub, don't make me punish you." All the sex drops away from me as I stare at you. Troubled. I feel like I might cry. I pick up the clamp and put it gently, oh so gently, on her nipple. She squeaks and flinches and moans and I feel ... I don't know what I feel. And then you say, "the other one too subgirl" and I put the other clover on her other nipple and she flinches and moans. "Good girl you did it. Now was that so hard sub?"
"Your turn now, give the old clamps to Dara. Now Dara, take one of these clamps and put it on her left nipple, good. See, she likes that. See how she moans around the ball gag? See her eyes? Now the other one on her right nipple, but thread it through your chain first so that you move as a set from now on. Good. Say thank you now to Dara subgirl, oh, nasty, look at the drool. Aren't you sorry you weren't a good girl now subgirl?
You have us kneel, which we do with exquisite care, as each time we move we pull the others nipples and you love that.
Out of your bag of toys you pull a new toy. The Hitachi vibe is attached to a stand so it stands straight up. You have us maneuver over to kneel on either side of the vibrator, You want it to touch each of our pussies so that we can press up against it. And then you smile at the difference in heights between us. "Well subgirl i guess you will have to kneel tall and slut you might have to scoot down a little for this to work. I guess you'll have some incentive for that in a minute or two."
You ask someone to plug it in and then, as we kneel there, both of us with our titties out and chained and linked together, tunny to tummy, me still with the ball gag in, you talk to us about what you expect. You expect that the vibrator will buzz both our pussies and turn us on. We can move and squirm if we want to, but it will likely hurt and probably hurt the other girl too. That's fine with you. You like stuff like that where I have to pay for my pleasure with pain. You remind both of us that we aren't to cum without permission. You smile ruefully at me, noting that it may be hard for me to get permission as you might have trouble understanding what i want.
And then you turn it on and it starts buzzing my pussy. You are right I have to keel up tall for it to buzz in the right place but it does do that, vibrating the lips of my cunt. It feels really good, even through the fabric of the shorts that I am still wearing and I push my pussy against the vibe and feel Dara do the same. She moans and starts to squirm against it, rocking her hips and shes moving her whole body and pulling at the chains and jingling the clamps on my titties too. She's hurting me , but not more than I can stand and I like the buzzing and then I realize that I will need to cum soon. I look up, look at you and mumble around the gag, "Sir may I cum?" but of course it sounds like "Mmmm ah brmmm hhmm uum" And you look at me puzzled and pretend not to know what I am saying.
But you warn me too, saying "Subgirl, make SURE you don't cum without permission." And I take heed and back off a bit from the vibe, but its still there of course and I'm worried now. And I ask again, still mumbling around the gag. And she asks you too. "Master, may this slave cum please Sir?" And you smile at us wickedly and say yes sluts you may both cum for me now. And we cum, together, I think together, both of us rocking on the hitachi invention both of us pulling and hurting ourselves and the other, and both of us crying, afterward as the pain ramped up from the clamps attached to our titties.
Before she can ask for the clamps off, would she have done such a thing? I don't know. But you tell her that the two of us will suck your cock first before the clamps come off. You allow us to open your jeans and take out your rock hard cock and to caress and play with it. and love it. You tell us that we may suck your cock. And then you say, "Oh subgirl you wont be able to, what a bad girl you were. You'll have to watch this pretty slut suck my cock." Which she does with huge enthusiasm, sucking and slurping and licking and stroking you. I still stroke and caress you with my hands and wish that I was sucking your cock too of course. You have your hands on my head and on hers, moving her head, your fingers twisted in her hair as you move her faster and faster on your cock til eventually you shoot your load of cum into her greedy mouth. "Good girl" you tell her. "You're a very good girl and your Master is a very lucky Dom."
You have us unplug the hitachi and stick it back in the bag still attached to each other, but eventually you allow the clamps off both of us, permitting us to undo the other one's clamps.You have us rub each other titties, squeezing and pulling on the nipples. And then you make us both thank you for the scene. Mine is incomprehensible of course, but she thanks you very prettily and sticks her face in your crotch again. She's like a dog. Presumably she's been trained that way and you note this for me, telling me that Master Stone will no doubt expect this of me the following night. You comment that you hope I won't have to wear the ballgag that night too.
I know that you aren't happy with me as you make me continue to wear the ballgag all night til we get back to our room where you permit me to ask for it out again.
We meet them at a party; the first night of a weekend D/s fair and you and the other Dom strike up a conversation right away. You seem to have a lot in common and you are both intrigued by the other's girl. You briefly chat about swapping and I hold my breath, hoping that won't happen as the idea makes me nervous. After some conversation you decide to share in separate threesomes. He will share his girl, Dara, with us one night, and the other night you will share me with them. You negotiate for which night of the weekend will belong to which Dom.
I'm not thrilled with the idea and you know that, so you don't bother to consult me and you don't tell any back story to the other Dom and Dara either about why I am unenthusiastic. "She doesn't like the idea of sharing me," you announce. "Jealous, threatened. Doesn't want to see me with another girl. But I think it's good for her."
The other Dom, Master Stone, chuckles a little, perhaps at the idea of a subgirl having any preference and jerks his head to Dara who falls to her knees and starts nuzzling his crotch though his leather pants.
Both of them are all in leather. He's a big man, tall and muscular, and fairly handsome, and wears leather pants and a vest and boots. She wears a micro-mini and a little leather vest, more than a bra but not much more. She also has high boots over the knees, very sexy on her big tall dark body. She has long dark hair and café au lait skin and toned muscles show in her arms. She wears a leather collar too, a narrow black one that says BITCH across the front in block letters.
She nuzzles and mouths and strokes his cock and balls through his pants as you carry on the discussion, she's squirming at his feet. You discuss various ways and means and I can tell you are hungry for his girl and eventually you decide to flip a coin. You call tails and tails it is. Your choice then, and you choose tonight, and Master Stone nudges Dara with his knee and when she looks up at him he indicates that she should move over to you. She nods and without any apparent emotion beyond desire, she shifts her body and crawls the couple of feet to you. He backs up a foot or two to become part of the crowd of onlookers that gathers.
You lean down to her and ask her if she likes girls and she nods emphatically and says that she does. "Good girl," you say to her. "This is my slut, sublime and she needs some convincing tonight. See what you can do with her will you?"
She looks at me with a gleam in her eye, then at you and asks if she may stand and if she may touch me? You give permission to both of those things and she gets to her feet and come to me. She is taller than I am anyway, maybe taller than you, but in her super high heels she is very tall and even a bit intimidating for all she's a girl and a sub and was grovelling at his feet a moment ago.
She keeps moving towards me til she is touching me and says to me "You'll like me girl. You'll like me a lot. She bends to kiss me and I'm startled that she would without being told, this is way beyond what you would want from me without being told, and I don't know, I'm uncertain and yes sir, still reluctant. She's in my space and I move back and she moves with me, but I can't back up far there's a wall behind me and the next thing I know I'm backed right against the wall and she is pressed up against me. I'm sandwiched between her muscular body and the wall and she takes my wrists above my head, holding me there. There's nothing subtle now, and everyone must be looking at us. But I can't really tell. She moves to kiss me again and this time I let her, I have no choice really. Her thigh is between my legs, pressing into my crotch and helping to hold me there and she moves it so I am riding it. It goes from 0 to 60 pretty damn fast.
She stops and looks at you for approval and you tell her good girl and to go on. And then without warning she takes both my wrists in one of her hands still over my head and puts her hand on my tit. I'm wearing a ruffly black top, and short shorts and boots, along with my pretty collar and wrist cuffs. and she squeezes my breast through the top hard, massaging and squeezing me, gripping it so hard it hurts, and I squeak with surprise and then she pinches the nipple hard through all the layers and then she starts to peel the top away so that she can expose my breast and I start to struggle and to say "no wait. Master please I don't want this Sir. Not here, not like this."
Perhaps that's what you were waiting for? Or maybe you hoped I wouldn't balk but were prepared anyway. You reach into your toy bag and pull out the ball gag and you come to stand right next to us. "Open your mouth sub," you say to me and I protest, "but Sir, I'm sorry Master, I'll be good" and I realize that you are determined. I'm not sure if you are angry or not, but absolutely determined so I open my mouth and you push the big purple ball into my mouth and fasten the strap behind my head pulling it so tight it hurts me. "There. No dissenting voice now," you say with satisfaction. "You may go on," you say to her.
She squeezes my tit again and then peels the top away from it and then the bra underneath it, exposing my naked breast and erect nipple. She bends her head and licks it, like a cat, and then sucks it, and then bites it just for a second, then sucks it again. I moan and sway and both of you laugh a little.
"Go on," you say to her, your voice is harsh, I hear the want in it, you love this. She exposes my other breast the same way and starts sucking and nibbling on it and then she has her hand on my shorts covered crotch and she is massaging my pussy through the shorts. I squirm away from her and you laugh and say "careful subgirl I can attach your wrist cuffs too. Do you want me to use those?"
She turns and gazes at you, attracted by the determination, the control, the fierceness I think.
You grab her hair and kiss her, you have to bring her head down to do it, she towers over everyone in those boots. And then the kiss turns rougher and your hands are all over her as you kiss, in her hair and on her skin, her waist, her tits through the leather and then on her ass. And hers are still on me, holding my hands over my head, holding my pussy.
"No panties slut," you say to her, discovering her nakedness under her leather. "Spread your legs for me," you order and she does so. "Your turn subgirl," you tell me, indicating her top and I undo a couple of snaps till I can spread it wide enough for her tits to fit though the opening. You are fingering her cunt as I do it and she is riding your fingers and rocking her hips. "Suck her nipples sub," you order me, "Oh no, you cant do that because you were a bad girl. Just play with them then, pinch them and pull them and get them ready for my clamps."
I do as you say and we play with the girl and get her very very turned on as the crowd watches us, she still has her hands on me, back on my titties now and she's kissing you. "Don't you dare cum without my permission," you warn her. Yes sir, a good time for that warning I think, much longer and it might have been too late. She moans and squirms more.
"Get the old clamps and the clovers sub," you order me, and I pull them out of the toy bag and wait with them in my hands. "Now tighten the old clamps up as tight as they go. And hang then from your top for now. And then fasten one clover clamp on Dara's pretty left nipple." Her nipples are dark, pointy, hard as little rocks. I stare at you, dismayed. I've never done this before, never clamped anyone, and I don't want to and you know it. You know this. Surely you won't make me.
"Do it sub, don't make me punish you." All the sex drops away from me as I stare at you. Troubled. I feel like I might cry. I pick up the clamp and put it gently, oh so gently, on her nipple. She squeaks and flinches and moans and I feel ... I don't know what I feel. And then you say, "the other one too subgirl" and I put the other clover on her other nipple and she flinches and moans. "Good girl you did it. Now was that so hard sub?"
"Your turn now, give the old clamps to Dara. Now Dara, take one of these clamps and put it on her left nipple, good. See, she likes that. See how she moans around the ball gag? See her eyes? Now the other one on her right nipple, but thread it through your chain first so that you move as a set from now on. Good. Say thank you now to Dara subgirl, oh, nasty, look at the drool. Aren't you sorry you weren't a good girl now subgirl?
You have us kneel, which we do with exquisite care, as each time we move we pull the others nipples and you love that.
Out of your bag of toys you pull a new toy. The Hitachi vibe is attached to a stand so it stands straight up. You have us maneuver over to kneel on either side of the vibrator, You want it to touch each of our pussies so that we can press up against it. And then you smile at the difference in heights between us. "Well subgirl i guess you will have to kneel tall and slut you might have to scoot down a little for this to work. I guess you'll have some incentive for that in a minute or two."
You ask someone to plug it in and then, as we kneel there, both of us with our titties out and chained and linked together, tunny to tummy, me still with the ball gag in, you talk to us about what you expect. You expect that the vibrator will buzz both our pussies and turn us on. We can move and squirm if we want to, but it will likely hurt and probably hurt the other girl too. That's fine with you. You like stuff like that where I have to pay for my pleasure with pain. You remind both of us that we aren't to cum without permission. You smile ruefully at me, noting that it may be hard for me to get permission as you might have trouble understanding what i want.
And then you turn it on and it starts buzzing my pussy. You are right I have to keel up tall for it to buzz in the right place but it does do that, vibrating the lips of my cunt. It feels really good, even through the fabric of the shorts that I am still wearing and I push my pussy against the vibe and feel Dara do the same. She moans and starts to squirm against it, rocking her hips and shes moving her whole body and pulling at the chains and jingling the clamps on my titties too. She's hurting me , but not more than I can stand and I like the buzzing and then I realize that I will need to cum soon. I look up, look at you and mumble around the gag, "Sir may I cum?" but of course it sounds like "Mmmm ah brmmm hhmm uum" And you look at me puzzled and pretend not to know what I am saying.
But you warn me too, saying "Subgirl, make SURE you don't cum without permission." And I take heed and back off a bit from the vibe, but its still there of course and I'm worried now. And I ask again, still mumbling around the gag. And she asks you too. "Master, may this slave cum please Sir?" And you smile at us wickedly and say yes sluts you may both cum for me now. And we cum, together, I think together, both of us rocking on the hitachi invention both of us pulling and hurting ourselves and the other, and both of us crying, afterward as the pain ramped up from the clamps attached to our titties.
Before she can ask for the clamps off, would she have done such a thing? I don't know. But you tell her that the two of us will suck your cock first before the clamps come off. You allow us to open your jeans and take out your rock hard cock and to caress and play with it. and love it. You tell us that we may suck your cock. And then you say, "Oh subgirl you wont be able to, what a bad girl you were. You'll have to watch this pretty slut suck my cock." Which she does with huge enthusiasm, sucking and slurping and licking and stroking you. I still stroke and caress you with my hands and wish that I was sucking your cock too of course. You have your hands on my head and on hers, moving her head, your fingers twisted in her hair as you move her faster and faster on your cock til eventually you shoot your load of cum into her greedy mouth. "Good girl" you tell her. "You're a very good girl and your Master is a very lucky Dom."
You have us unplug the hitachi and stick it back in the bag still attached to each other, but eventually you allow the clamps off both of us, permitting us to undo the other one's clamps.You have us rub each other titties, squeezing and pulling on the nipples. And then you make us both thank you for the scene. Mine is incomprehensible of course, but she thanks you very prettily and sticks her face in your crotch again. She's like a dog. Presumably she's been trained that way and you note this for me, telling me that Master Stone will no doubt expect this of me the following night. You comment that you hope I won't have to wear the ballgag that night too.
I know that you aren't happy with me as you make me continue to wear the ballgag all night til we get back to our room where you permit me to ask for it out again.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Stories, Part 2
Big Bad Dom wants to know if anyone wants to read the story I wrote for him. Shoot your hand up if you are interested. I think he wants me to post it.
I did write the story yesterday afternoon. Writing the blog post here first helped me I think. It helped to get some of the anger out. Because I was angry with a hint of despair. I too thought it kind of a mean task for him to give me.
I'm not sure he would agree with mean. He says he is helping me get back on the horse that threw me. He says, "surely you didn't think I was just going to leave that forever when it's something I want?" Umm, yeah, I guess not Sir.
A story where the Dom got his comeuppance as someone suggested wouldn't have worked. If he really hated it he would make me rewrite it or punish me in some way for it. And I knew that, but honestly that's what I kept thinking of before I wrote it. Or at least a story that turned into a morality play where the Dom learned an important lesson about monogamy.
Bad bratty stuff wouldn't have worked either. He's not a Dom that appreciates bratty stuff. And yeah, he could lighten up, and does occasionally, but it wasn't likely this was gonna be the moment. Though maybe, if it was hot enough, there was a possibility he might accept it.
Several of you commented that it was a tough assignment. Yes. It was. When he asked me to write a story, I thought okay, sure, and when he told me he wanted it about a threesome, him and me and another sub, my heart just sank. And he knew it. And knew that it would.
Swan suggested that perhaps he wanted to understand the depth of my discomfort with this and where it is rooted. Ummm. He knows. He knows how I feel and where it's rooted. I keep thinking that maybe he doesn't understand, because if he did would he behave the way he does. But the answer seems to be yes, he does, and would. He just wants what he wants.
Nilla, I wonder what you would have said that was funny? I truly do. Want to share that with the class? This wasn't particularly cathartic, though I can see how it might have been. But it was a relief to be able to write anything and get it down on paper (or in bits and bytes) by deadline.
And yes, he liked the story. He thought it was hot and sexy and just about what he wanted. Of course he likes everything I write and thinks it's all brilliant and clever and would frame the grocery list I think (just like a proud Daddy is supposed to feel). He says he wants to live it. Big surprise there too. I don't think that writing porn is really my best event, especially compared to some of you, but he likes it and I like doing it for him.
I actually wrote it yesterday afternoon. I was home alone writing it. He was travelling home from Christmas with his family. When he realized I was home alone he told me he wanted a topless pic of me which I took and sent him after some fiddling with the self timer on my phone. I had surprised him with dirty pics to his phone about a week ago and clearly he wanted more. So I sent him the pic and went back to writing.
And he told me to go and get my clamps and put them on and send him another pic which I did. So I wrote the rest of the story topless with the clamps on my nipples. At some point I asked him if I could masturbate, and he said no at first, but then said yes eventually. I sent him several other texts, several other naughty pictures of my tits with the clamps on, knowing he would be turned on by the taboo nature of getting these inappropriate pics while with his family. And actually, I was turned on by that too and fairly delighted with the whole thing. The story got hot and I did too. As did he.
He asked me if I wanted to ask for the clamps off, and I told him that I liked him hurting me. Actually, I half (maybe more than half) wanted them off, but something about it brought out the daredevil in me I think. He told me then that I could cum because he knew the clamps would hurt me more after I came and he wanted that. So I did cum and then was desperate to get the clamps off. I told him I had finished the story, which I sort of had, though I had to come back and do a bit better job later. And I told him thank you nicely with another pic or two.
When he finally let me take the clamps off my nipples he demanded one last pic which I sent to him, of me holding my tits, with the sore pinched nipples right in front of him, with the heading "Final?" See? I told you I was feeling daring.
I know he was sitting in his car, heading home with a giant boner the whole time. Don't I love that?
And me? After I finished the fix for the story I went and masturbated again. Took me forever the second time.
He was dying to read the story. Could have read it on his email in the car as I suggested, but for some reason he seemed to think more privacy would be a good thing. Imagine that?
And yes, he loved it.
I did write the story yesterday afternoon. Writing the blog post here first helped me I think. It helped to get some of the anger out. Because I was angry with a hint of despair. I too thought it kind of a mean task for him to give me.
I'm not sure he would agree with mean. He says he is helping me get back on the horse that threw me. He says, "surely you didn't think I was just going to leave that forever when it's something I want?" Umm, yeah, I guess not Sir.
A story where the Dom got his comeuppance as someone suggested wouldn't have worked. If he really hated it he would make me rewrite it or punish me in some way for it. And I knew that, but honestly that's what I kept thinking of before I wrote it. Or at least a story that turned into a morality play where the Dom learned an important lesson about monogamy.
Bad bratty stuff wouldn't have worked either. He's not a Dom that appreciates bratty stuff. And yeah, he could lighten up, and does occasionally, but it wasn't likely this was gonna be the moment. Though maybe, if it was hot enough, there was a possibility he might accept it.
Several of you commented that it was a tough assignment. Yes. It was. When he asked me to write a story, I thought okay, sure, and when he told me he wanted it about a threesome, him and me and another sub, my heart just sank. And he knew it. And knew that it would.
Swan suggested that perhaps he wanted to understand the depth of my discomfort with this and where it is rooted. Ummm. He knows. He knows how I feel and where it's rooted. I keep thinking that maybe he doesn't understand, because if he did would he behave the way he does. But the answer seems to be yes, he does, and would. He just wants what he wants.
Nilla, I wonder what you would have said that was funny? I truly do. Want to share that with the class? This wasn't particularly cathartic, though I can see how it might have been. But it was a relief to be able to write anything and get it down on paper (or in bits and bytes) by deadline.
And yes, he liked the story. He thought it was hot and sexy and just about what he wanted. Of course he likes everything I write and thinks it's all brilliant and clever and would frame the grocery list I think (just like a proud Daddy is supposed to feel). He says he wants to live it. Big surprise there too. I don't think that writing porn is really my best event, especially compared to some of you, but he likes it and I like doing it for him.
I actually wrote it yesterday afternoon. I was home alone writing it. He was travelling home from Christmas with his family. When he realized I was home alone he told me he wanted a topless pic of me which I took and sent him after some fiddling with the self timer on my phone. I had surprised him with dirty pics to his phone about a week ago and clearly he wanted more. So I sent him the pic and went back to writing.
And he told me to go and get my clamps and put them on and send him another pic which I did. So I wrote the rest of the story topless with the clamps on my nipples. At some point I asked him if I could masturbate, and he said no at first, but then said yes eventually. I sent him several other texts, several other naughty pictures of my tits with the clamps on, knowing he would be turned on by the taboo nature of getting these inappropriate pics while with his family. And actually, I was turned on by that too and fairly delighted with the whole thing. The story got hot and I did too. As did he.
He asked me if I wanted to ask for the clamps off, and I told him that I liked him hurting me. Actually, I half (maybe more than half) wanted them off, but something about it brought out the daredevil in me I think. He told me then that I could cum because he knew the clamps would hurt me more after I came and he wanted that. So I did cum and then was desperate to get the clamps off. I told him I had finished the story, which I sort of had, though I had to come back and do a bit better job later. And I told him thank you nicely with another pic or two.
When he finally let me take the clamps off my nipples he demanded one last pic which I sent to him, of me holding my tits, with the sore pinched nipples right in front of him, with the heading "Final?" See? I told you I was feeling daring.
I know he was sitting in his car, heading home with a giant boner the whole time. Don't I love that?
And me? After I finished the fix for the story I went and masturbated again. Took me forever the second time.
He was dying to read the story. Could have read it on his email in the car as I suggested, but for some reason he seemed to think more privacy would be a good thing. Imagine that?
And yes, he loved it.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Stories
He's away and gets home tonight. And I have an assignment for while he is away that I haven't done yet.
I'm supposed to write him a naughty story. Which I used to do frequently but don't do very often anymore.
The story is supposed to be about a threesome. Him, me and another submissive woman.
I haven't written it because all my story lines are angry. Confrontational. Sad, self-pitying. Furious. Even violent. Some combination of all those things.
I don't want a threesome.
In some ways, it's not a big deal right? Just a story. Just do it. Get it done. Get it over with.
But I really don't want this.
I'm supposed to write him a naughty story. Which I used to do frequently but don't do very often anymore.
The story is supposed to be about a threesome. Him, me and another submissive woman.
I haven't written it because all my story lines are angry. Confrontational. Sad, self-pitying. Furious. Even violent. Some combination of all those things.
I don't want a threesome.
In some ways, it's not a big deal right? Just a story. Just do it. Get it done. Get it over with.
But I really don't want this.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Being Able to Convince You
The sign of a great dominant is "being able to want something, and convince you that you want it, that you need it and crave it and that you are being spoiled and treated like a princess when he gives it to you..."
That's what one of my sub-sisters' new Dominant says. See here for context.
I agree. They make us want something. Maybe it's something we never imagined wanting. Maybe it's something that we don't even really think that we want. Or aren't sure. Or maybe we only want it to please them. It doesn't matter. And then they make us understand that wanting isn't getting. That only they can give it to us. Because only they really understand what it is we want. Because they created that need right?
So they won't just hand it to us. There'd be no point to that. No point in creating the need. But that if we really, really, really want it, and ask prettily, then we might get it if they are feeling generous.
Uh huh.
So I tell my Big Bad Dom that. And he loves the quote. Absolutely loves it. He's analytical that way, and while he probably tried to limit my understanding of Dom technique and motivation at the very beginning of our relationship, we are years beyond that now. He likes the discussion of what he does, what I do, and why. And who the hell else is he gonna discuss with if not me?
He asks me what he makes me crave. I say pain of course. Because I never wanted pain before him. I consider saying what about humiliation. Because I really never wanted that before him and he has created a vague hankering for it, or is it just a curiosity, that he doesn't really satisfy.
He says what about sex? I hadn't thought so. Humph. Do you think the is creating a craving for sex that he purposely doesn't satisfy? I thought we were just restricted in terms of time and privacy. But now I wonder if he is purposefully limiting my sex, sexuality or satisfaction.
And make me feel like a princess? That's a whole other post.
That's what one of my sub-sisters' new Dominant says. See here for context.
I agree. They make us want something. Maybe it's something we never imagined wanting. Maybe it's something that we don't even really think that we want. Or aren't sure. Or maybe we only want it to please them. It doesn't matter. And then they make us understand that wanting isn't getting. That only they can give it to us. Because only they really understand what it is we want. Because they created that need right?
So they won't just hand it to us. There'd be no point to that. No point in creating the need. But that if we really, really, really want it, and ask prettily, then we might get it if they are feeling generous.
Uh huh.
So I tell my Big Bad Dom that. And he loves the quote. Absolutely loves it. He's analytical that way, and while he probably tried to limit my understanding of Dom technique and motivation at the very beginning of our relationship, we are years beyond that now. He likes the discussion of what he does, what I do, and why. And who the hell else is he gonna discuss with if not me?
He asks me what he makes me crave. I say pain of course. Because I never wanted pain before him. I consider saying what about humiliation. Because I really never wanted that before him and he has created a vague hankering for it, or is it just a curiosity, that he doesn't really satisfy.
He says what about sex? I hadn't thought so. Humph. Do you think the is creating a craving for sex that he purposely doesn't satisfy? I thought we were just restricted in terms of time and privacy. But now I wonder if he is purposefully limiting my sex, sexuality or satisfaction.
And make me feel like a princess? That's a whole other post.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
How Hard Can It Be?
I like baking. I'm not sure if I've said that before, but I really do. When I was a teenager, baking for a household of enthusiastic consumers I baked a lot. And in college it was a cheap way to entertain and feed my friends. I often use baked treats as little presents, especially when I am not sure what to bring, whether to bring something to a social gathering. It sort of bridges the gap between too expensive and showing up with nothing in my hands, and yes sometimes it seems too fussy but its always appreciated.
In our little subby circle we did a recipe exchange a couple weeks ago. Mine was easy. Fast. Pretty much foolproof. Though as I say that Several people commented on SFP'S recipe for bittersweet chocolate biscotti that it was hard or intimidating. In what might have been a moment of fearless foolhardiness, I thought well, jeez, how hard can it be? I might try those! How hard can it be right? Okay, remember the post she had the week before about her kitchen being such a disaster that she considered calling the fire department and setting fire to it rather than attempt a clean up? Yeah. That hard.
Let me start by saying I had never made biscotti before. I've never been that impressed with them frankly. They strike me as cookies for people who don't really get what desserts are supposed to be about. Desserts, in my opinion are supposed to be like sex, messy, gooey, decadent. Biscotti are like the polar opposite of that, being kind of dry and brittle. But my husband likes them. A lot. And no, he isn't like that with sex, don't worry.
So when people would say that it was hard to make biscotti, and yes I had heard that before, I just assumed that they were people who didn't actually enjoy or make desserts anyway. So, again, how hard could it be?
And I was doing this Christmas Eve, cause I had finished all the things I HAD to do, and was puttering and actually I love baking and domestic stuff on Christmas Eve. We were going out to dinner and I thought it I finished them in time I would take them with me.
The recipe called for 2 cups of almonds. I had a big bag of almonds. Theirs were blanched and mine weren't but, yeah, how hard can it be? I looked online and there were instructions for blanching almonds. It's a bit like taking skins off tomatoes or peaches. You pour boiling water over them, let them sit for a minute, drain and rinse and take the skins off. Umm, in theory. In practice the skins did come off but at the rate of about 2-3 skins a minutes. That's a long time to skin 2 cups of almonds. So I boiled some more water and tried again. Not for long because the instructions warn me to not let them sit in the hot water too long or they will get soggy. And after all this I don't want soggy almonds. I am not doing this to accomplish soggy almonds.
I let the almonds sit for another minute and it's like a miracle. The little almonds are dying to strip down now, one actually pops right out of my fingers. Now it's fun. And I've learned something. I know how to blanch almonds.
I finished stripping the almonds and how long did it take? I dunno. Maybe I was afraid to check.
Then the recipe calls for them to be roasted. Put them on a tray and pop them in the oven for 15 minutes. I hand the almonds to my younger son and ask him to put them on the cookie sheet. Minutes later I turn around and he has, but he's interspersed them with the cookies that were on the full cookie sheet, not the empty one I meant. Sigh. I indicate that was wrong, probably screaming no no no, though I hope what I said was oh sweetie, Mummy meant the empty cookie sheet. Yeah. Could be. So he moves them to the empty cookie sheet, which took a while, picking them out of the cookies, and I roasted them. And then it was time to go out to dinner. I just had time to take them out of the oven on my way out the door. So no biscotti that night.
I came home from Christmas Eve dinner at about 3 in the morning, transferred the golden brown almonds to a tupperware and went to bed. Christmas Day, no time for baking. Lots of craziness.
Boxing Day, I wake up refreshed and ready for more baking and craziness. We are going out for an early dinner and it would be stylish to show up with biscotti. Right? I text her that I am bringing cookies.
I assemble the rest of the ingredients. I chop the chocolate and some of the nuts in the food processor with some of the dried ingredients. I whisk together eggs and brown sugar. I mix them together in one bowl, and as she said there wasn't much liquid but I push them together as instructed. I'm good at following instructions. Well pretty good.
The next part calls for me to make two logs of the mixture on plastic wrap. The instructions said 18 inches of plastic wrap but 13 inch logs. So of course I made 18 inch logs. Wrapped them up tight and put them in the freezer. Almost as instructed. You noticed that right? I made the logs the wrong length. Tsk. It sat in there for an hour. Looked like poo when it went in. Looked like frozen poo when it came out.
I unwrapped the poo-like logs and put them in the oven on a parchment paper covered pan as instructed. See? I bake. I even had parchment paper. Take that Martha Stewart!.
I come back to my computer and out of the corner of my eye I notice the instruction that says Make 13 inch logs. Yikes. I wonder if it's too late. I run back to the kitchen and take the pan out of the oven and squish the stuff around til its a 13 inch log. It's actually still fairly cold but I'm sure I undid whatever effect that freezing it was supposed to have.
It bakes and I take it out after an hour. During the hour I do not clean the kitchen. I'm hoping the kitchen fairies will stop by and help out but they don't. Damn them.
I pull out my serrated knife and start slicing. The instructions assured me that the almonds could be left whole and would just get all sliced up during this part. That's sort of true, they do slice remarkably easily and a couple of pieces come out perfectly. And most of the rest of them turn into a crumbly mess. I try a different knife. I try shorter pieces. I try fatter pieces. I try cutting the other log. Same. It tastes great - I tried lots of little pieces as they broke off but I don't have pretty biscotti. I have biscotti pieces. I ponder what I can do with biscotti pieces. Maybe Bread Pudding? But nothing in time to take to dinner tonight.
I stick the half of the biscotti that are sort of ok back in the oven to do the last bake, wondering if they will miraculously hold together once they are baked a second time. If they will, maybe I should squish the rest of the pieces back together and stick them in too? Yeah, that's not really gonna happen.
While I wait, I whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies to take to my friend's. Damn kitchen fairies still don't show up.
SFP suggests I might have needed more eggs. Yep. Or maybe not to mess around with the poo logs at that stage. I will probably try this again though. Cause I'm stubborn. And how hard can it be?
In our little subby circle we did a recipe exchange a couple weeks ago. Mine was easy. Fast. Pretty much foolproof. Though as I say that Several people commented on SFP'S recipe for bittersweet chocolate biscotti that it was hard or intimidating. In what might have been a moment of fearless foolhardiness, I thought well, jeez, how hard can it be? I might try those! How hard can it be right? Okay, remember the post she had the week before about her kitchen being such a disaster that she considered calling the fire department and setting fire to it rather than attempt a clean up? Yeah. That hard.
Let me start by saying I had never made biscotti before. I've never been that impressed with them frankly. They strike me as cookies for people who don't really get what desserts are supposed to be about. Desserts, in my opinion are supposed to be like sex, messy, gooey, decadent. Biscotti are like the polar opposite of that, being kind of dry and brittle. But my husband likes them. A lot. And no, he isn't like that with sex, don't worry.
So when people would say that it was hard to make biscotti, and yes I had heard that before, I just assumed that they were people who didn't actually enjoy or make desserts anyway. So, again, how hard could it be?
And I was doing this Christmas Eve, cause I had finished all the things I HAD to do, and was puttering and actually I love baking and domestic stuff on Christmas Eve. We were going out to dinner and I thought it I finished them in time I would take them with me.
The recipe called for 2 cups of almonds. I had a big bag of almonds. Theirs were blanched and mine weren't but, yeah, how hard can it be? I looked online and there were instructions for blanching almonds. It's a bit like taking skins off tomatoes or peaches. You pour boiling water over them, let them sit for a minute, drain and rinse and take the skins off. Umm, in theory. In practice the skins did come off but at the rate of about 2-3 skins a minutes. That's a long time to skin 2 cups of almonds. So I boiled some more water and tried again. Not for long because the instructions warn me to not let them sit in the hot water too long or they will get soggy. And after all this I don't want soggy almonds. I am not doing this to accomplish soggy almonds.
I let the almonds sit for another minute and it's like a miracle. The little almonds are dying to strip down now, one actually pops right out of my fingers. Now it's fun. And I've learned something. I know how to blanch almonds.
I finished stripping the almonds and how long did it take? I dunno. Maybe I was afraid to check.
Then the recipe calls for them to be roasted. Put them on a tray and pop them in the oven for 15 minutes. I hand the almonds to my younger son and ask him to put them on the cookie sheet. Minutes later I turn around and he has, but he's interspersed them with the cookies that were on the full cookie sheet, not the empty one I meant. Sigh. I indicate that was wrong, probably screaming no no no, though I hope what I said was oh sweetie, Mummy meant the empty cookie sheet. Yeah. Could be. So he moves them to the empty cookie sheet, which took a while, picking them out of the cookies, and I roasted them. And then it was time to go out to dinner. I just had time to take them out of the oven on my way out the door. So no biscotti that night.
I came home from Christmas Eve dinner at about 3 in the morning, transferred the golden brown almonds to a tupperware and went to bed. Christmas Day, no time for baking. Lots of craziness.
Boxing Day, I wake up refreshed and ready for more baking and craziness. We are going out for an early dinner and it would be stylish to show up with biscotti. Right? I text her that I am bringing cookies.
I assemble the rest of the ingredients. I chop the chocolate and some of the nuts in the food processor with some of the dried ingredients. I whisk together eggs and brown sugar. I mix them together in one bowl, and as she said there wasn't much liquid but I push them together as instructed. I'm good at following instructions. Well pretty good.
The next part calls for me to make two logs of the mixture on plastic wrap. The instructions said 18 inches of plastic wrap but 13 inch logs. So of course I made 18 inch logs. Wrapped them up tight and put them in the freezer. Almost as instructed. You noticed that right? I made the logs the wrong length. Tsk. It sat in there for an hour. Looked like poo when it went in. Looked like frozen poo when it came out.
I unwrapped the poo-like logs and put them in the oven on a parchment paper covered pan as instructed. See? I bake. I even had parchment paper. Take that Martha Stewart!.
I come back to my computer and out of the corner of my eye I notice the instruction that says Make 13 inch logs. Yikes. I wonder if it's too late. I run back to the kitchen and take the pan out of the oven and squish the stuff around til its a 13 inch log. It's actually still fairly cold but I'm sure I undid whatever effect that freezing it was supposed to have.
It bakes and I take it out after an hour. During the hour I do not clean the kitchen. I'm hoping the kitchen fairies will stop by and help out but they don't. Damn them.
I pull out my serrated knife and start slicing. The instructions assured me that the almonds could be left whole and would just get all sliced up during this part. That's sort of true, they do slice remarkably easily and a couple of pieces come out perfectly. And most of the rest of them turn into a crumbly mess. I try a different knife. I try shorter pieces. I try fatter pieces. I try cutting the other log. Same. It tastes great - I tried lots of little pieces as they broke off but I don't have pretty biscotti. I have biscotti pieces. I ponder what I can do with biscotti pieces. Maybe Bread Pudding? But nothing in time to take to dinner tonight.
I stick the half of the biscotti that are sort of ok back in the oven to do the last bake, wondering if they will miraculously hold together once they are baked a second time. If they will, maybe I should squish the rest of the pieces back together and stick them in too? Yeah, that's not really gonna happen.
While I wait, I whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies to take to my friend's. Damn kitchen fairies still don't show up.
SFP suggests I might have needed more eggs. Yep. Or maybe not to mess around with the poo logs at that stage. I will probably try this again though. Cause I'm stubborn. And how hard can it be?
Tidbits
Me - I'm trying to seduce you with the image of me with bed head and all stuffed up and breathing though my mouth
Him - You already have Me seduced subgirl
Me - awww, that's sweet
Him - you did that long ago
Me - hey Master? I do love you
Him - but I dont mind daily efforts either
Me- nice. I'm glad
Him - I love you too, My lil girl
Him - You already have Me seduced subgirl
Me - awww, that's sweet
Him - you did that long ago
Me - hey Master? I do love you
Him - but I dont mind daily efforts either
Me- nice. I'm glad
Him - I love you too, My lil girl
Friday, December 24, 2010
Love You Daddy
I love when he's my Daddy. And I am his little girl. "Climb up in my lap little girl," he says. And I love it.
Which is weird because not so long ago I wasn't sure about it at all, and early in our relationship I just thought it creepy.
Now it's sweet. The Daddy part of him is sweeter. He says he finds it endearing. I don't know what part of it specifically, but I think it's the whole thing. He likes being Daddy.
It's not about anything inappropriate. He is a Dad to two lovely adult kids. I had a Dad. There's no confusion for either of us that we wanted any kind of sexual relationship with them.
So why use the Daddy name? Umm... I think there is a sense of Daddy-ness in it. Of having a man I can trust, a mentor, loving father-figure, smart, involved, caring, knowing, protective. That's what Daddies are right?
He is all of those things to me. And I think that he loves being those things to me.
I think he calls me little girl when he sees particular sweetness or vulnerability. Or when he wants to see that sweetness or vulnerability. Or when he particularly wants me to just suck it up and obey him. Little realizing that obedience wasn't really a feature of my real little girlness.
Daddies are indulgent with their little girls, adoring.
Sometimes I try to stimulate some of that indulgence by calling him Daddy. Which I know he loves. I call him that when we are great and when I want him to treat me gently, sweetly. And sometimes it works. And the takes me up onto his lap and loves me and cuddles me and pets me. And sometimes I think he sees through me completely.
Sometimes he takes me up onto his lap and pulls my nipples as hard as he can and snaps the mean clover clamps onto me, all the while calling me his sweet little girl.
So, in that, as in everything else, there's a mix, a blend, of different parts of us, all wrapped up in what he wants, with a core of what he knows I want and need.
And when he calls me little girl and I call him Daddy it makes me feel all squirmy inside. And adoring.
I love you Daddy. I love you soooo much. Merry Christmas.
Which is weird because not so long ago I wasn't sure about it at all, and early in our relationship I just thought it creepy.
Now it's sweet. The Daddy part of him is sweeter. He says he finds it endearing. I don't know what part of it specifically, but I think it's the whole thing. He likes being Daddy.
It's not about anything inappropriate. He is a Dad to two lovely adult kids. I had a Dad. There's no confusion for either of us that we wanted any kind of sexual relationship with them.
So why use the Daddy name? Umm... I think there is a sense of Daddy-ness in it. Of having a man I can trust, a mentor, loving father-figure, smart, involved, caring, knowing, protective. That's what Daddies are right?
He is all of those things to me. And I think that he loves being those things to me.
I think he calls me little girl when he sees particular sweetness or vulnerability. Or when he wants to see that sweetness or vulnerability. Or when he particularly wants me to just suck it up and obey him. Little realizing that obedience wasn't really a feature of my real little girlness.
Daddies are indulgent with their little girls, adoring.
Sometimes I try to stimulate some of that indulgence by calling him Daddy. Which I know he loves. I call him that when we are great and when I want him to treat me gently, sweetly. And sometimes it works. And the takes me up onto his lap and loves me and cuddles me and pets me. And sometimes I think he sees through me completely.
Sometimes he takes me up onto his lap and pulls my nipples as hard as he can and snaps the mean clover clamps onto me, all the while calling me his sweet little girl.
So, in that, as in everything else, there's a mix, a blend, of different parts of us, all wrapped up in what he wants, with a core of what he knows I want and need.
And when he calls me little girl and I call him Daddy it makes me feel all squirmy inside. And adoring.
I love you Daddy. I love you soooo much. Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Bunny Slopes
I talked to a friend today who is often interested in submission and has been for years. Though she describes herself as on the bunny slopes compared to me.
What she means is that she does a bit less than I do in playing with pain, and probably with humiliation and degradation. Her word, not mine. Maybe it needs some defining? What she also says is that her real interest in submission started when she met me during the early years of me exploring mine.
Really she isn't on the bunny slopes as she plays with D/s, and has for years, often with switching. She seems very sophisticated to me.
I think switching leads to (can lead to?) kind of a different dynamic (in my opinion, which isn't very informed really). But maybe things become less extreme if you know that you will switch roles with your partner and take a turn on the bottom too? Maybe it makes you less inclined to put the clover clamps on them for half an hour at a stretch. Maybe the play is less extreme then or maybe the personalities are less extreme? Or maybe I'm tired and have no idea what I'm talking about but...
She says she has a new man. Says he is fairly Dom. And phenomenal in the sack. It's not clear to me whether he is really a Dom or a switch or just new to the whole idea of it.
Have fun showing him the bunny slopes.
What she means is that she does a bit less than I do in playing with pain, and probably with humiliation and degradation. Her word, not mine. Maybe it needs some defining? What she also says is that her real interest in submission started when she met me during the early years of me exploring mine.
Really she isn't on the bunny slopes as she plays with D/s, and has for years, often with switching. She seems very sophisticated to me.
I think switching leads to (can lead to?) kind of a different dynamic (in my opinion, which isn't very informed really). But maybe things become less extreme if you know that you will switch roles with your partner and take a turn on the bottom too? Maybe it makes you less inclined to put the clover clamps on them for half an hour at a stretch. Maybe the play is less extreme then or maybe the personalities are less extreme? Or maybe I'm tired and have no idea what I'm talking about but...
She says she has a new man. Says he is fairly Dom. And phenomenal in the sack. It's not clear to me whether he is really a Dom or a switch or just new to the whole idea of it.
Have fun showing him the bunny slopes.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Pain Chaser
He touches me and the heat is almost instantaneous.
He pulls up my top, pinches my nipples hard. Harder.
He has a task for me later. He sets the task as he drives to visit family for Christmas, leaving something of himself with me.
Clover clamps for 30 minutes.
And he wanted to hurt me first, wanted my nipples sensitive and sore and aching when the 30 minutes starts.
I want it. Right now, anticipating it, I want even more. I want to spend the day with the clamps on. All day. I want him to make me cry with pain and submission and release. To come and watch me and tug gently on the chain between my breasts, escalating the pain by just a hair, just an unendurable fraction.
Watching me. Tasting the pain. Maybe licking a tear from me. Sensual. Slow. Unendurable. Enduring the unendurable. Because he makes me.
That's what I want now.
By the end of the 30 minutes it will be enough. I will be so ready to get the clamps off. Dying to, crying to.
But there's a second part to the task. Cum with the clamps still on. Fucker. God he's a mean fucker sometimes. Don't take the clamps off til I have cum and had that spike of brilliant hard harsh pain.
It's his favourite flavour these days. Knowing that I struggle to cum, knowing that the hit of pain is there waiting.
Orgasm with a pain chaser.
Thank you Daddy.
He pulls up my top, pinches my nipples hard. Harder.
He has a task for me later. He sets the task as he drives to visit family for Christmas, leaving something of himself with me.
Clover clamps for 30 minutes.
And he wanted to hurt me first, wanted my nipples sensitive and sore and aching when the 30 minutes starts.
I want it. Right now, anticipating it, I want even more. I want to spend the day with the clamps on. All day. I want him to make me cry with pain and submission and release. To come and watch me and tug gently on the chain between my breasts, escalating the pain by just a hair, just an unendurable fraction.
Watching me. Tasting the pain. Maybe licking a tear from me. Sensual. Slow. Unendurable. Enduring the unendurable. Because he makes me.
That's what I want now.
By the end of the 30 minutes it will be enough. I will be so ready to get the clamps off. Dying to, crying to.
But there's a second part to the task. Cum with the clamps still on. Fucker. God he's a mean fucker sometimes. Don't take the clamps off til I have cum and had that spike of brilliant hard harsh pain.
It's his favourite flavour these days. Knowing that I struggle to cum, knowing that the hit of pain is there waiting.
Orgasm with a pain chaser.
Thank you Daddy.
Gratitude 2
How much do I love finding a new blog and realizing that the link to my own blog is already on the sidebar?
I read a post, and then another. I was impressed and wondered if they would like mine, if I commented and lured them back here. After all my little blog isn't for everyone. And I check and I'm there! They like me already!
Yeahhhh!
Okay it's a bit shallow. Listen it's not gonna be Zen here every day people.
I read a post, and then another. I was impressed and wondered if they would like mine, if I commented and lured them back here. After all my little blog isn't for everyone. And I check and I'm there! They like me already!
Yeahhhh!
Okay it's a bit shallow. Listen it's not gonna be Zen here every day people.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Gratitude
A yin yoga class tonight, which is mostly stretching and holding each pose for a long time. That's not usually my favourite kind of yoga but somehow tonight it seemed right. It made me think, as yoga often does, of obeying the instructions. Of how it would be to superimpose yoga onto D/ or D/s onto yoga. And that often makes me smile.
Which I guess I needed today.
And the dedication of the practice was about gratitude. About feeling gratitude for the gifts we are given. And I wasn't really feeling that on the way into the class either.
I have been feeling sad. Missing my Dom who has been tied up with other obligations lately, and is now leaving for 3 weeks of travel. And, worse than that, he will be busy and occupied again when he returns. And I'm getting sulky and tired of being a good sport.
But...
Deep breath...
Looked at another way.
I'm glad I have him. I'm very glad he found me. And kept me. And taught me. And loves me.
And I'm grateful for other things in my life. For my kids and my home and my friends and my job. My health and my hobbies.
And that the microwave incident today was just smoke and not fire. "Mom, don't worry that the house smells smoky, we opened all the doors and windows and changed our clothes and you can hardly smell it anymore."
Yes, lots to be grateful for.
Which I guess I needed today.
And the dedication of the practice was about gratitude. About feeling gratitude for the gifts we are given. And I wasn't really feeling that on the way into the class either.
I have been feeling sad. Missing my Dom who has been tied up with other obligations lately, and is now leaving for 3 weeks of travel. And, worse than that, he will be busy and occupied again when he returns. And I'm getting sulky and tired of being a good sport.
But...
Deep breath...
Looked at another way.
I'm glad I have him. I'm very glad he found me. And kept me. And taught me. And loves me.
And I'm grateful for other things in my life. For my kids and my home and my friends and my job. My health and my hobbies.
And that the microwave incident today was just smoke and not fire. "Mom, don't worry that the house smells smoky, we opened all the doors and windows and changed our clothes and you can hardly smell it anymore."
Yes, lots to be grateful for.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Dear Mick
Dear Mick,
You said the following in a comment on poly, "I suppose you could call M , M and M Poly, though Molly and the Western Correspondent have not physically latched onto one another yet. I am more open to sharing Molly, than she would ever be with me. I think it's good for her insecurities to have that expression of desire from the WC. It makes her happy. that makes me happy. and it has added spice to our relationship, which after 20 years can always use a little spice. But what works for us, does not necessarily work for everyone, does it?"
So Mick, here's what I think. And yeah, I was struggling to find a topic other than moping about how little private time with my Owner I am getting.
Yes, M and M and M are poly. The thoughts and feelings are real even if the physical touching doesn't happen. You say they haven't latched onto each other physically "yet" which implies that they will eventually. That offers a new opportunity for jealousy if it's gonna happen. But it might not. I think it's hard to predict what will trigger jealousy sometimes.
You say that you are more open to sharing Molly than she would ever be to sharing you. You are amazingly open to sharing Molly. I think that it's part of your kink isn't it? Though that part isn't something you talk about a lot. You obviously enjoy the part of it that involves making her happy. But is there something that thrills you about knowing it's with someone else? Some squirmy part of you?
Believe it or not, and I do get that with all the agonizing I have done here about it recently, I am more open to sharing him than he would be with me. He would point out that as long as he controls it he is somewhat open to sharing me. On his terms. To his timetable. Under his conditions. With people he chooses. Working to his limits. Tons of control there for him. And that feeds his desire for power.
I am pretty sure that he wouldn't encourage or perhaps even allow a relationship with another male dominant to evolve. He might share me for a session or two but he wouldn't allow something to develop where there was even a secondary relationship with another dominant.
I always have limits with people. What I can do, how far I can go. These limits are there even in situations that he orchestrates. And any interaction between another dominant and I at this point would be one that he orchestrated or allowed. I communicate regularly with blog readers but if it's a Dom, I ask and receive permission before responding.
And he would know exactly how any interaction was progressing as he would ask for reports, of any conversations or activity, read chats and emails and generally control it all, including time spent together, and sometimes things I say and do. A shocking invasion of my privacy that I am totally accustomed to at this point.
He notes that he isn't jealous of my relationships but he also ensures that he has no need to be. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, isn't it?
It's clear, Mick, from what you have said of your relationship that there was an incident and some jealousy in the past. In our distant past, there was lots of jealousy. Almost all of it was him being jealous of me, causing enough angst in our relationship that eventually it led me to limit my interaction with other Doms more and more, til finally I just stopped altogether. That made things easier all around.
Oh I'm not some veiled woman. I have a job and a life and I interact with men all the time. I talk and I flirt and I enjoy myself, but any interaction that looks like it's at all D/s falls under his purview and control. It's not a physical restriction like a cock cage or chastity belt, but it's a restriction nonetheless. And I think he and I are as comfortable with its existence as you and Molly are in knowing you are locked up tight in your cage while she explores her sexuality with another man.
Our arrangement has always been that he is free to explore other women as he wishes and that I was not free. That's not fair. But, after the first shock of that, I was okay with the fact that it wasn't fair. Our relationship isn't and has never been about "fair". In fact, it was explicitly designed to be "unfair".
Where are we with that freedom to explore other women now? Honestly, I don't know. I think that we are where we have always been with it. That he is free to do as he pleases. Though I expect that you (and he) would say that he is not totally free to do as he pleases because I was unhappy with his relationship and ultimately couldn't cope with it.
I think we are in a period of change where we need to rethink some stuff. Like trust and jealousy and variety.
He had hoped that adding a third to our relationship would add spice, though he added that it didn't really need the spice, but that when things get comfortable enough he likes to mess with them. He wanted variety. He will always want variety. He liked the relationship. I had hoped the same things. And I didn't like the relationship.
So many times Mick, I looked at your relationship and wished that I could feel the same way, the same generosity of spirit that I read in your blog. And I think that what I envied most of all was that, for you two, the addition of a third added spice to your relationship. For us, it created a spiral of jealousy and secrecy, withdrawal and fear that was very negative.
Does it mean that we are closed to the idea forever? No, I don't think it does. Do we need to learn some lessons from it before we try it again? I think so. And I'm not really sure what the lessons are.
You said the following in a comment on poly, "I suppose you could call M , M and M Poly, though Molly and the Western Correspondent have not physically latched onto one another yet. I am more open to sharing Molly, than she would ever be with me. I think it's good for her insecurities to have that expression of desire from the WC. It makes her happy. that makes me happy. and it has added spice to our relationship, which after 20 years can always use a little spice. But what works for us, does not necessarily work for everyone, does it?"
So Mick, here's what I think. And yeah, I was struggling to find a topic other than moping about how little private time with my Owner I am getting.
Yes, M and M and M are poly. The thoughts and feelings are real even if the physical touching doesn't happen. You say they haven't latched onto each other physically "yet" which implies that they will eventually. That offers a new opportunity for jealousy if it's gonna happen. But it might not. I think it's hard to predict what will trigger jealousy sometimes.
You say that you are more open to sharing Molly than she would ever be to sharing you. You are amazingly open to sharing Molly. I think that it's part of your kink isn't it? Though that part isn't something you talk about a lot. You obviously enjoy the part of it that involves making her happy. But is there something that thrills you about knowing it's with someone else? Some squirmy part of you?
Believe it or not, and I do get that with all the agonizing I have done here about it recently, I am more open to sharing him than he would be with me. He would point out that as long as he controls it he is somewhat open to sharing me. On his terms. To his timetable. Under his conditions. With people he chooses. Working to his limits. Tons of control there for him. And that feeds his desire for power.
I am pretty sure that he wouldn't encourage or perhaps even allow a relationship with another male dominant to evolve. He might share me for a session or two but he wouldn't allow something to develop where there was even a secondary relationship with another dominant.
I always have limits with people. What I can do, how far I can go. These limits are there even in situations that he orchestrates. And any interaction between another dominant and I at this point would be one that he orchestrated or allowed. I communicate regularly with blog readers but if it's a Dom, I ask and receive permission before responding.
And he would know exactly how any interaction was progressing as he would ask for reports, of any conversations or activity, read chats and emails and generally control it all, including time spent together, and sometimes things I say and do. A shocking invasion of my privacy that I am totally accustomed to at this point.
He notes that he isn't jealous of my relationships but he also ensures that he has no need to be. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, isn't it?
It's clear, Mick, from what you have said of your relationship that there was an incident and some jealousy in the past. In our distant past, there was lots of jealousy. Almost all of it was him being jealous of me, causing enough angst in our relationship that eventually it led me to limit my interaction with other Doms more and more, til finally I just stopped altogether. That made things easier all around.
Oh I'm not some veiled woman. I have a job and a life and I interact with men all the time. I talk and I flirt and I enjoy myself, but any interaction that looks like it's at all D/s falls under his purview and control. It's not a physical restriction like a cock cage or chastity belt, but it's a restriction nonetheless. And I think he and I are as comfortable with its existence as you and Molly are in knowing you are locked up tight in your cage while she explores her sexuality with another man.
Our arrangement has always been that he is free to explore other women as he wishes and that I was not free. That's not fair. But, after the first shock of that, I was okay with the fact that it wasn't fair. Our relationship isn't and has never been about "fair". In fact, it was explicitly designed to be "unfair".
Where are we with that freedom to explore other women now? Honestly, I don't know. I think that we are where we have always been with it. That he is free to do as he pleases. Though I expect that you (and he) would say that he is not totally free to do as he pleases because I was unhappy with his relationship and ultimately couldn't cope with it.
I think we are in a period of change where we need to rethink some stuff. Like trust and jealousy and variety.
He had hoped that adding a third to our relationship would add spice, though he added that it didn't really need the spice, but that when things get comfortable enough he likes to mess with them. He wanted variety. He will always want variety. He liked the relationship. I had hoped the same things. And I didn't like the relationship.
So many times Mick, I looked at your relationship and wished that I could feel the same way, the same generosity of spirit that I read in your blog. And I think that what I envied most of all was that, for you two, the addition of a third added spice to your relationship. For us, it created a spiral of jealousy and secrecy, withdrawal and fear that was very negative.
Does it mean that we are closed to the idea forever? No, I don't think it does. Do we need to learn some lessons from it before we try it again? I think so. And I'm not really sure what the lessons are.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Retrospective
I've been thinking about what went wrong in my attempt (our attempt?) at a poly relationship.
And doing some reading and blog surfing. Because where else does one find info on poly relationships if not online?
There's a new one I found called A Poly Page for Secondaries (or rather an old one that doesn't seem to have been added to in 6 months which sucks because I really liked the blog).
And so I was thinking.
And trying to understand what I felt and why. And what they felt and why.
I kind of know my own feelings, which included insecurity (okay, okay, insecurities plural) and frustration and resentment.
And I think I know a bit about their feelings. Interesting that I still see "them" as somewhat monolithic, as having the same shared feelings.
I'm sure that what they felt was frustration and anger and resentment and fear. In various combinations at various times.
And I'm sure that they felt those feelings separately and together, and that they talked more openly with each other about those feelings than they did with me, seeing each other as allies. Seeing me as something to be managed in order to get what they wanted.
No, I'm not really looking to fight all that again. I don't want hard feelings and hope there won't be. So why bring it up you'll ask. It's dead and decently buried. Yeah, but this is my blog and I get to pick at the scabs I want to pick at, and if not here then where? (Nasty mixed metaphor there)
One of the entries is about "Why the fuck are you poly?" Which is a great question. She offers some suggestions that I think I'm gonna copy so we can talk about them over here:
I want a relationship, but I don’t want to have the level of commitment a one on one relationship requires. I like the somewhat distant relationship I have. Not that it isn’t intimate, but that…
I love them both equally and I can’t choose. They like each other. It works.
It kind of just happened.
We have always thought of having additional relationships, after we worked on our primary one.
My Master wanted it.
It’s what we do and we love it.
I can’t see limiting myself to one person. I won’t cheat. This is honest.
I haven’t been able to find a one on one relationship that works for me, but this does.
I fell in love with someone who was attached and…
There are far more why’s out there, but let me ask you this? Are any of the above good enough in the why department? It’s hard to really connect to why anyone is poly. It seems to start out as a kinky thing or a swinging thing or maybe…..a little dissatisfaction with the primary relationship?
Now to clarify, she doesn't seem to be throwing stones at any of the reasons, just wondering about people's decision making. She goes on, saying that any reason is fine, but the more honest you can be about your reasons, the better things might work in a relationship that tends towards being territorial and insecure (maybe it's just my enphasis there). And this batch seems similar but with a bit more judgement attached to many of them.
Hmmm, maybe you are insecure and don’t think you can find anything else? If that’s the case you should work on your self-esteem. You’ll need it to make you better for you and for those who love you.
Perhaps you are a horny fucker and need lots of poon-tang? Fine, but be honest with your partners. They need to know that you want to keep it “simple” and don’t want committed relationships beyond the booty call.
You are weary of your relationship and want to spice it up? This happens. Work on the primary relationship first, adding others at this point puts them through the grinder and only bandages, not heals the core problem. (And is very selfish.)
Your ego needs the feed? No, you probably won’t admit this to yourself or anyone else. But yeah, your main reason for poly is having them fight over you and you be in total control. I don’t see this type of poly lasting a long time, but maybe if you discover this about yourself you’ll stop putting you and your loved ones through so much shit. Or you can find the right co-dependents to help you out? (Insert rant here.)
You’re bi and want one of each? Oh to find the hot bi-babe!!!!! She exists, but she seems to be always taken. *smiles* You can find her!!!!!! Or have fun trying!!!!!
You love him/her and it’s what they want? No one will stop you. Just make sure you can handle it and DO NOT, sell yourself short. If you do this make sure you get your needs met. If you don’t, you’ll slowly wither and wonder what went wrong.
You want multiple interactions because it simply feels right? You understand that it might be hard. You might make mistakes, but you and those you choose are committed to making it work. You will find your way and in the end, even if it ends, you’ll be all the richer for having had the experience and your life being touched by people you love.
Lots of food for thought there. Any thoughts?
And doing some reading and blog surfing. Because where else does one find info on poly relationships if not online?
There's a new one I found called A Poly Page for Secondaries (or rather an old one that doesn't seem to have been added to in 6 months which sucks because I really liked the blog).
And so I was thinking.
And trying to understand what I felt and why. And what they felt and why.
I kind of know my own feelings, which included insecurity (okay, okay, insecurities plural) and frustration and resentment.
And I think I know a bit about their feelings. Interesting that I still see "them" as somewhat monolithic, as having the same shared feelings.
I'm sure that what they felt was frustration and anger and resentment and fear. In various combinations at various times.
And I'm sure that they felt those feelings separately and together, and that they talked more openly with each other about those feelings than they did with me, seeing each other as allies. Seeing me as something to be managed in order to get what they wanted.
No, I'm not really looking to fight all that again. I don't want hard feelings and hope there won't be. So why bring it up you'll ask. It's dead and decently buried. Yeah, but this is my blog and I get to pick at the scabs I want to pick at, and if not here then where? (Nasty mixed metaphor there)
One of the entries is about "Why the fuck are you poly?" Which is a great question. She offers some suggestions that I think I'm gonna copy so we can talk about them over here:
I want a relationship, but I don’t want to have the level of commitment a one on one relationship requires. I like the somewhat distant relationship I have. Not that it isn’t intimate, but that…
I love them both equally and I can’t choose. They like each other. It works.
It kind of just happened.
We have always thought of having additional relationships, after we worked on our primary one.
My Master wanted it.
It’s what we do and we love it.
I can’t see limiting myself to one person. I won’t cheat. This is honest.
I haven’t been able to find a one on one relationship that works for me, but this does.
I fell in love with someone who was attached and…
There are far more why’s out there, but let me ask you this? Are any of the above good enough in the why department? It’s hard to really connect to why anyone is poly. It seems to start out as a kinky thing or a swinging thing or maybe…..a little dissatisfaction with the primary relationship?
Now to clarify, she doesn't seem to be throwing stones at any of the reasons, just wondering about people's decision making. She goes on, saying that any reason is fine, but the more honest you can be about your reasons, the better things might work in a relationship that tends towards being territorial and insecure (maybe it's just my enphasis there). And this batch seems similar but with a bit more judgement attached to many of them.
Hmmm, maybe you are insecure and don’t think you can find anything else? If that’s the case you should work on your self-esteem. You’ll need it to make you better for you and for those who love you.
Perhaps you are a horny fucker and need lots of poon-tang? Fine, but be honest with your partners. They need to know that you want to keep it “simple” and don’t want committed relationships beyond the booty call.
You are weary of your relationship and want to spice it up? This happens. Work on the primary relationship first, adding others at this point puts them through the grinder and only bandages, not heals the core problem. (And is very selfish.)
Your ego needs the feed? No, you probably won’t admit this to yourself or anyone else. But yeah, your main reason for poly is having them fight over you and you be in total control. I don’t see this type of poly lasting a long time, but maybe if you discover this about yourself you’ll stop putting you and your loved ones through so much shit. Or you can find the right co-dependents to help you out? (Insert rant here.)
You’re bi and want one of each? Oh to find the hot bi-babe!!!!! She exists, but she seems to be always taken. *smiles* You can find her!!!!!! Or have fun trying!!!!!
You love him/her and it’s what they want? No one will stop you. Just make sure you can handle it and DO NOT, sell yourself short. If you do this make sure you get your needs met. If you don’t, you’ll slowly wither and wonder what went wrong.
You want multiple interactions because it simply feels right? You understand that it might be hard. You might make mistakes, but you and those you choose are committed to making it work. You will find your way and in the end, even if it ends, you’ll be all the richer for having had the experience and your life being touched by people you love.
Lots of food for thought there. Any thoughts?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Help Wanted
Okay I admit it, I need help.
I need Christmas present help.
I have two beautiful nieces, aged 20 and 18. They truly are beautiful girls. And I don't know them as well as I'd like to, cause of course they have things to do and busy lives and stuff.
What will I get them for Christmas?
The older one works, goes to school, lives at home, has a boyfriend. I could buy her anything. But I would love something inspired.
The younger one is white trash. Fabulously pretty, but oh so trashy. I'm a bit more stumped for her. Gift cards I suppose. Maybe I could get her a good lawyer?
Are any of my readers in that age range? Any of you have daughters that age? What would you love to get or give?
Come on, inspire me.
I need Christmas present help.
I have two beautiful nieces, aged 20 and 18. They truly are beautiful girls. And I don't know them as well as I'd like to, cause of course they have things to do and busy lives and stuff.
What will I get them for Christmas?
The older one works, goes to school, lives at home, has a boyfriend. I could buy her anything. But I would love something inspired.
The younger one is white trash. Fabulously pretty, but oh so trashy. I'm a bit more stumped for her. Gift cards I suppose. Maybe I could get her a good lawyer?
Are any of my readers in that age range? Any of you have daughters that age? What would you love to get or give?
Come on, inspire me.
Just Don't Do It
Yesterday we had a nasty little spat.
I said something kinda bitchy.
And then he told me to stop.
And I said.
And he said.
And I said.
And then he said he had been joking. Kind of.
And why was I all huffy?
And then I said he wasn't entirely joking.
And he left in a huff.
Saying he had to be somewhere.
I guess I won't make sarcastic little comments about his other women anymore.
Not appreciated. Not sweet of me.
It forces him into a role where he has to protect them from me. And I hate that. So I shouldn't cause it.
Now, if only I can stick to that resolve.
I said something kinda bitchy.
And then he told me to stop.
And I said.
And he said.
And I said.
And then he said he had been joking. Kind of.
And why was I all huffy?
And then I said he wasn't entirely joking.
And he left in a huff.
Saying he had to be somewhere.
I guess I won't make sarcastic little comments about his other women anymore.
Not appreciated. Not sweet of me.
It forces him into a role where he has to protect them from me. And I hate that. So I shouldn't cause it.
Now, if only I can stick to that resolve.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Best Cookies EVER
I love to bake. I love it. I don't do it much because then I eat the results. Which taste great. And then... well... but in November and December every year I bake up a storm of these.
This recipe doesn't usually stay around long enough to be a problem. I bake a batch, take them as hostess gifts mostly, or give them to friends as gifts.
I don't share this recipe with anyone. They ask. I say no. And everyone is shocked. I've had them beg me for it. It's so perfect that I figure if they want it, they have to keep asking me back. And so easy that if I shared it I would turn up somewhere with my perfect little offering and find 3 other plates of these cookies waiting for me.
But for you, my dear readers, I share this recipe. I suggest you keep it to yourselves though.
.
Sinfully Good Chocolate Drops
1 tablespoon vegetable shortening. I use Crisco (I have used butter and even margarine when I haven't had Crisco)
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 can Sweetened Condensed Milk (10 ounces/300 ml.) I use Eagle Brand or President's Choice
1 cup flour
optional - sprinkles or chocolate chips or skor bits
Preheat the oven to 350. Melt shortening and chocolate chips. I do this in the microwave. It takes about 2 minutes. Mix together all the hot chocolaty goodness. Add the vanilla and stir. Add the can of sweetened condensed milk and the flour. Stir those in. Let cool for a couple of minutes so it's cool enough to handle.
Spray a cookie pan. Spray your hands too so the stuff doesn't stick. Make little balls of chocolate about an inch in diameter. Put them on the pan. This makes about 48-60 cookies depending on how good you are at getting them all the same size. Put them in the oven for 7 minutes. Take them out and prepare to be amazed.
Variations.
- I usually make some with sprinkles on top to make them prettier, because they really don't look like much without. So I do maybe a 1/3 of the batch dipping the tops in sprinkles before I put them in the oven. Cook for the same time. Just regular sugary sprinkles for cake decorations, or skor bits, or those pretty silver balls.
- I have tried them with chocolate chips in them, or white chocolate chips or butterscotch chips. All are great but I usually make them without.
- I have tried them with low fat sweetened condensed milk. They are almost as good. We did taste test these. Guess what? More fat is better, but you wouldn't notice if you didn't try them head to head.
-I have tried making these by melting white chocolate chips or butterscotch chips instead of chocolate chips and they weren't a great success.
- I have tried piping these using icing bags and they look gorgeous. But I don't usually bother. I should do that again.
I keep these, when they keep at all, in ziploc bags in the freezer, and they keep pretty well. If people find them, they will eat them frozen though.
This idea of a cookie blog came from SFP and Jz and participating bloggers can be found in the list below. Go have a look at their sites and enjoy. Happy baking.
Aisha
Alice
Ally
Cultivated Discipline
Elysia
Externally Motivated Wife
greengirl
Hedone
Kirsti
kk
Jz
Kelly Red
Molly and Mick
mouse
nilla
Sara
selkie (NB- recipe posted chez Jz, though!)
sephani paige
sin
Striving for Peace
Tempting Sweets
turiya
Xantu
Okay and then (of course ) I couldn't get the darn list to link properly so I had to go through and link everyone to their blog one at a time. And as I did that, it occurred to me that the links should be to the specific recipes rather than the general blog sites, but maybe we can do that later.
Happy holidays!
This recipe doesn't usually stay around long enough to be a problem. I bake a batch, take them as hostess gifts mostly, or give them to friends as gifts.
I don't share this recipe with anyone. They ask. I say no. And everyone is shocked. I've had them beg me for it. It's so perfect that I figure if they want it, they have to keep asking me back. And so easy that if I shared it I would turn up somewhere with my perfect little offering and find 3 other plates of these cookies waiting for me.
But for you, my dear readers, I share this recipe. I suggest you keep it to yourselves though.
.
Sinfully Good Chocolate Drops
1 tablespoon vegetable shortening. I use Crisco (I have used butter and even margarine when I haven't had Crisco)
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 can Sweetened Condensed Milk (10 ounces/300 ml.) I use Eagle Brand or President's Choice
1 cup flour
optional - sprinkles or chocolate chips or skor bits
Preheat the oven to 350. Melt shortening and chocolate chips. I do this in the microwave. It takes about 2 minutes. Mix together all the hot chocolaty goodness. Add the vanilla and stir. Add the can of sweetened condensed milk and the flour. Stir those in. Let cool for a couple of minutes so it's cool enough to handle.
Spray a cookie pan. Spray your hands too so the stuff doesn't stick. Make little balls of chocolate about an inch in diameter. Put them on the pan. This makes about 48-60 cookies depending on how good you are at getting them all the same size. Put them in the oven for 7 minutes. Take them out and prepare to be amazed.
Variations.
- I usually make some with sprinkles on top to make them prettier, because they really don't look like much without. So I do maybe a 1/3 of the batch dipping the tops in sprinkles before I put them in the oven. Cook for the same time. Just regular sugary sprinkles for cake decorations, or skor bits, or those pretty silver balls.
- I have tried them with chocolate chips in them, or white chocolate chips or butterscotch chips. All are great but I usually make them without.
- I have tried them with low fat sweetened condensed milk. They are almost as good. We did taste test these. Guess what? More fat is better, but you wouldn't notice if you didn't try them head to head.
-I have tried making these by melting white chocolate chips or butterscotch chips instead of chocolate chips and they weren't a great success.
- I have tried piping these using icing bags and they look gorgeous. But I don't usually bother. I should do that again.
I keep these, when they keep at all, in ziploc bags in the freezer, and they keep pretty well. If people find them, they will eat them frozen though.
This idea of a cookie blog came from SFP and Jz and participating bloggers can be found in the list below. Go have a look at their sites and enjoy. Happy baking.
Aisha
Alice
Ally
Cultivated Discipline
Elysia
Externally Motivated Wife
greengirl
Hedone
Kirsti
kk
Jz
Kelly Red
Molly and Mick
mouse
nilla
Sara
selkie (NB- recipe posted chez Jz, though!)
sephani paige
sin
Striving for Peace
Tempting Sweets
turiya
Xantu
Okay and then (of course ) I couldn't get the darn list to link properly so I had to go through and link everyone to their blog one at a time. And as I did that, it occurred to me that the links should be to the specific recipes rather than the general blog sites, but maybe we can do that later.
Happy holidays!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Cookies and My Owner
I feel like just leaving that last post up til someone comments. But... okay you win.
So... what to post? Cookies tomorrow.
There's a movement afoot among the sub-sisters to have a cookie exchange via blog posts. Which is cute. And would be cuter if I wasn't supposed to be dieting.
I kinda wondered if my Owner would have kittens when he found the cookie post, so I told him in advance, figuring that if he was gonna have a fit, better to tell him before I posted rather than after. Cause if he was gonna have a fit, I didn't want to get in trouble for writing about cookies.
So, is it crazy that I might wonder if I was gonna get in trouble for writing about cookies? When and how did I become someone who would ask a man if he was bugged by that?
But, somehow it happened. Here I am. Submissive to what he wants.
He could think and say that the cookies are bad for me to have around because I might eat them all on a binge. He might be right. I do binge.
He could think and say, I told you to take it seriously this time, and even swapping cookie recipes is too much focus on sugar and fat for you, and will lead you down the path of temptation. He might be right about that too.
And maybe he felt disapproving. But if so he didn't say it. He said don't forget you have a goal that you need to meet and a deadline and I mean it. I said yes sir.
So...I guess I'm allowed. So check in for cookies tomorrow.
Maybe some of the sub-sisters will do HNTs with cookies on them. Covering strategic spots. Or not. Maybe SFP will do a dirty pic of her kitchen. Stay tuned...
I think this is gonna become a diet and exercise blog. And in a couple of years after hundreds of yummy nutritious recipes and earnest exercise tips my new followers will happen on the early years of porn and think "whoa someone must have hacked her blog."
I'm just sayin.
So... what to post? Cookies tomorrow.
There's a movement afoot among the sub-sisters to have a cookie exchange via blog posts. Which is cute. And would be cuter if I wasn't supposed to be dieting.
I kinda wondered if my Owner would have kittens when he found the cookie post, so I told him in advance, figuring that if he was gonna have a fit, better to tell him before I posted rather than after. Cause if he was gonna have a fit, I didn't want to get in trouble for writing about cookies.
So, is it crazy that I might wonder if I was gonna get in trouble for writing about cookies? When and how did I become someone who would ask a man if he was bugged by that?
But, somehow it happened. Here I am. Submissive to what he wants.
He could think and say that the cookies are bad for me to have around because I might eat them all on a binge. He might be right. I do binge.
He could think and say, I told you to take it seriously this time, and even swapping cookie recipes is too much focus on sugar and fat for you, and will lead you down the path of temptation. He might be right about that too.
And maybe he felt disapproving. But if so he didn't say it. He said don't forget you have a goal that you need to meet and a deadline and I mean it. I said yes sir.
So...I guess I'm allowed. So check in for cookies tomorrow.
Maybe some of the sub-sisters will do HNTs with cookies on them. Covering strategic spots. Or not. Maybe SFP will do a dirty pic of her kitchen. Stay tuned...
I think this is gonna become a diet and exercise blog. And in a couple of years after hundreds of yummy nutritious recipes and earnest exercise tips my new followers will happen on the early years of porn and think "whoa someone must have hacked her blog."
I'm just sayin.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
He Makes Me
He makes me want him to hurt me.
Tonight we were playing with some clamps. He was experimenting with making them meaner, making them hurt more.
And then he demanded, "Tell me what you are thinking, feeling. I think this is more sexual for me than it is for you."
And I confessed. No Sir, it wasn't very sexual. But yes Sir, I wanted more.
I told him that I was thinking about these blue clamps I have. They are actually meant to be toothpaste tube squeezers. They really really pinch. And suddenly I craved real pain.
He put them on me. Unexpected. It's rare that I get exactly what I ask for in the moment of asking. He did make me ask, beg him. But then he gave it to me. Obviously my request touched a desire in him and he wanted what I wanted in that moment.
He told me to get them. He put them on me. The right one first, but it didn't go on right. It was too far out to the tip of my nipple and it hurt me so much I wanted it off again right away. Like within 15 seconds. I gritted my teeth, knowing that was probably too damn bad. After all they aren't meant to be comfortable. That's not the point of them. I asked him if I could adjust it and he said yes. Freakin miracle...I mean thank you Sir!
And then he put the other one on. Pain.
I think it was very sexual for him. Sex, power, pain.
Not so sexual for me. But omg, so damn fulfilling. So connecting. I love the focus he shines on me. Attention. All on me. Approval. All on me. I love that. I love waking the sadist in him. Really.
Tonight we were playing with some clamps. He was experimenting with making them meaner, making them hurt more.
And then he demanded, "Tell me what you are thinking, feeling. I think this is more sexual for me than it is for you."
And I confessed. No Sir, it wasn't very sexual. But yes Sir, I wanted more.
I told him that I was thinking about these blue clamps I have. They are actually meant to be toothpaste tube squeezers. They really really pinch. And suddenly I craved real pain.
He put them on me. Unexpected. It's rare that I get exactly what I ask for in the moment of asking. He did make me ask, beg him. But then he gave it to me. Obviously my request touched a desire in him and he wanted what I wanted in that moment.
He told me to get them. He put them on me. The right one first, but it didn't go on right. It was too far out to the tip of my nipple and it hurt me so much I wanted it off again right away. Like within 15 seconds. I gritted my teeth, knowing that was probably too damn bad. After all they aren't meant to be comfortable. That's not the point of them. I asked him if I could adjust it and he said yes. Freakin miracle...I mean thank you Sir!
And then he put the other one on. Pain.
I think it was very sexual for him. Sex, power, pain.
Not so sexual for me. But omg, so damn fulfilling. So connecting. I love the focus he shines on me. Attention. All on me. Approval. All on me. I love that. I love waking the sadist in him. Really.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thoughts on Porn
Several days ago one of my blogger friends wrote a steamy story. Her website, if you haven't seen it yet is about 95% stories. I am astounded at her ability to turn out smut day after day after day. I write the occasional naughty story for my Owner. Maybe once a quarter. That's about how much porn I have in me. But she writes it all the time.
Sometimes she asks for inspiration. Last summer, in response to a call for inspiration she received ... nothing at all. The second time she asked for suggestions, any suggestions, I sent her a list. One of the suggestions on the list was that she do a really nasty story with barnyard animals. It was kind of a challenge. Can you write about this?
Fast forward several months and she does just that. See here for the story. Or let me summarize for you and say the story is about bestiality. Lots of it. With bits of D/s and bondage. And lots of people liked it, commented favourably on it. It was clearly masturbation fodder for many.
But what I thought was interesting was that so many people felt they needed to say they didn't like it. Well okay, so you don't like it. I certainly get that bestiality isn't everybodys cup of tea. But people who read Nilla's blog are probably a bit more in touch with their nasty side than many people.
And normally, if you don't like something, especially a story, wouldn't you just skim past it and hope for more appealing fodder the next day? Why bother to make the point that you didn't like it? If you don't like someones clothes do you tell them or just keep it to yourself. What about politeness? And, people get that. I think especially in blogworld, people get that. Even posts where you ask for opinions, far more people will agree than disagree, it's just common politeness.
And still, lots of people felt the need to disassociate themselves. Actually, writing this piece I keep wanting to say to you, my readers, "you do get that I am not into that kind of thing, right?"
It's not my most preferred kink. If you read here, you'll know what my preferences are. But, here's the thing, I thought the story was pretty damn hot. And that embarrasses me a little. After all, what kind of trashy person, especially a woman, likes that kind of thing? And yeah, I think somehow it's even trashier for a woman to like it. Because....? I have no idea why. Because women are supposed to be more proper? Ladies?
But I do think that some people felt a need somehow to draw the line, to say clearly, "no, that isn't me that likes that kind of thing. I'm kinky, but not into THAT."
So what's my point? I think my point is that maybe those protesting people actually felt a squirmy little like for it. Maybe they read to the end. Maybe they were uncomfortable with feeling arousal.
Maybe.
Maybe it's not your main kink. Maybe it's not mine. I am clear that it's not something I want to do for real. Hear that Sir? Really not. But I like nasty porn. Rough porn he calls it. And I liked the story. There. I said it.
And is it possible that the things that turn us on, if we are wired to be intrigued by the forbidden, are those at the dark edges of what makes us uncomfortable? And then somehow we immediately have to say, "oh, but I'm not really like that." And no, maybe you aren't really like that. I agree. But you still want to peek in there at it.
Sometimes she asks for inspiration. Last summer, in response to a call for inspiration she received ... nothing at all. The second time she asked for suggestions, any suggestions, I sent her a list. One of the suggestions on the list was that she do a really nasty story with barnyard animals. It was kind of a challenge. Can you write about this?
Fast forward several months and she does just that. See here for the story. Or let me summarize for you and say the story is about bestiality. Lots of it. With bits of D/s and bondage. And lots of people liked it, commented favourably on it. It was clearly masturbation fodder for many.
But what I thought was interesting was that so many people felt they needed to say they didn't like it. Well okay, so you don't like it. I certainly get that bestiality isn't everybodys cup of tea. But people who read Nilla's blog are probably a bit more in touch with their nasty side than many people.
And normally, if you don't like something, especially a story, wouldn't you just skim past it and hope for more appealing fodder the next day? Why bother to make the point that you didn't like it? If you don't like someones clothes do you tell them or just keep it to yourself. What about politeness? And, people get that. I think especially in blogworld, people get that. Even posts where you ask for opinions, far more people will agree than disagree, it's just common politeness.
And still, lots of people felt the need to disassociate themselves. Actually, writing this piece I keep wanting to say to you, my readers, "you do get that I am not into that kind of thing, right?"
It's not my most preferred kink. If you read here, you'll know what my preferences are. But, here's the thing, I thought the story was pretty damn hot. And that embarrasses me a little. After all, what kind of trashy person, especially a woman, likes that kind of thing? And yeah, I think somehow it's even trashier for a woman to like it. Because....? I have no idea why. Because women are supposed to be more proper? Ladies?
But I do think that some people felt a need somehow to draw the line, to say clearly, "no, that isn't me that likes that kind of thing. I'm kinky, but not into THAT."
So what's my point? I think my point is that maybe those protesting people actually felt a squirmy little like for it. Maybe they read to the end. Maybe they were uncomfortable with feeling arousal.
Maybe.
Maybe it's not your main kink. Maybe it's not mine. I am clear that it's not something I want to do for real. Hear that Sir? Really not. But I like nasty porn. Rough porn he calls it. And I liked the story. There. I said it.
And is it possible that the things that turn us on, if we are wired to be intrigued by the forbidden, are those at the dark edges of what makes us uncomfortable? And then somehow we immediately have to say, "oh, but I'm not really like that." And no, maybe you aren't really like that. I agree. But you still want to peek in there at it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Body Image
For much of last year I dieted religiously and became thin and beautiful. Really, that's how I felt, thinner than I had ever been as an adult and very pretty and even delicate looking. I got to exactly the weight I wanted to be.
I felt perfect. Victorious.
Oh, I wasn't perfect looking. I'm 50 after all, and have had children and ... not perfect. I saw all the flaws. Especially naked, where I was self conscious for the first time ever about little tits.
But I also saw myself as pretty damn good. I was proud of myself for my discipline and I felt healthy fit, strong and sexy.
Something happened though. I hurt my back. I couldn't exercise. We added another girl to the relationship between he and I, and a bundle of stress. Several things weren't right between us. Several things weren't right in my life.
And I was unhappy.
And I ate.
And ate and ate and ate.
And have gained back a ton of the weight I had lost. And now I don't need to worry about little tits anymore. But of course I am not happy with the rest of my body. I've lost the waist that I worked so hard to carve. And I need to start again.
I'm mad at myself for letting it happen.
Last week my Owner and I had a come to Jesus talk. He gave me some orders. Some expectations. And a specific order. I had to take pictures of myself and send them to him.
Naked pictures.
Sigh.
Which I have now done. And I hated them.
I see all the flaws. None of the beauty. And I know that was his intent.
Brutal. Brutal honesty he might call it. But still brutal.
I felt perfect. Victorious.
Oh, I wasn't perfect looking. I'm 50 after all, and have had children and ... not perfect. I saw all the flaws. Especially naked, where I was self conscious for the first time ever about little tits.
But I also saw myself as pretty damn good. I was proud of myself for my discipline and I felt healthy fit, strong and sexy.
Something happened though. I hurt my back. I couldn't exercise. We added another girl to the relationship between he and I, and a bundle of stress. Several things weren't right between us. Several things weren't right in my life.
And I was unhappy.
And I ate.
And ate and ate and ate.
And have gained back a ton of the weight I had lost. And now I don't need to worry about little tits anymore. But of course I am not happy with the rest of my body. I've lost the waist that I worked so hard to carve. And I need to start again.
I'm mad at myself for letting it happen.
Last week my Owner and I had a come to Jesus talk. He gave me some orders. Some expectations. And a specific order. I had to take pictures of myself and send them to him.
Naked pictures.
Sigh.
Which I have now done. And I hated them.
I see all the flaws. None of the beauty. And I know that was his intent.
Brutal. Brutal honesty he might call it. But still brutal.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Cold
Yesterday my Owner and I had a discussion about cold.
The impetus for this was that one of our friends had posted a status about being forced to wear her coat undone on the way home in the below freezing temperatures. Clamps too, but that seems like another story.
I say that he never, or almost never, makes me do things in the cold. I hypothesize that it's because he hates the cold even more than I do, and would feel guilty. I try to raise it in a way that does not dare him to do more of it.
When I ask him about it he counters with the suggestion that its because I whine about it so much that it's not worth it.
I resent the suggestion that I whine. Though I guess I do sometimes. I like to think of it as giving him full information, though I guess some of it is whining.
He brings up twice when I whined about cold, once when he was sending me out to do a task very skimpily dressed in mid-winter (in Canada!) and I whined bitterly. And once when he was considering allowing another Dominant to use me and the other Dom talked about having me go cut a switch from a willow tree wearing possibly a bathrobe or possibly nothing at all. Early winter for that one I think, not bitterly cold but snow on the ground I think. And that time I think I was more worried about getting caught doing it than about the cold, I'm not even sure I would have felt the cold in the terror and humiliation of the rest of it.
My recollection of cold is that one time when he was punishing me for something he put me in a tub of cold water and made me sit in it crying. I don't remember what for. He says it was obviously something to cool my pussy down, so maybe it was me being less monogamous than he wanted, flirting or something. I suggested that maybe I had told him to fuck off and he was trying to cool down my temper, and he said if that had been the case he would have gone out and left me there over lunch.
In any case, I have probably changed it all by talking about it here. But, Sir, I do need to remind you that there's nothing that makes me feel less sexy than being cold. Okay?
The impetus for this was that one of our friends had posted a status about being forced to wear her coat undone on the way home in the below freezing temperatures. Clamps too, but that seems like another story.
I say that he never, or almost never, makes me do things in the cold. I hypothesize that it's because he hates the cold even more than I do, and would feel guilty. I try to raise it in a way that does not dare him to do more of it.
When I ask him about it he counters with the suggestion that its because I whine about it so much that it's not worth it.
I resent the suggestion that I whine. Though I guess I do sometimes. I like to think of it as giving him full information, though I guess some of it is whining.
He brings up twice when I whined about cold, once when he was sending me out to do a task very skimpily dressed in mid-winter (in Canada!) and I whined bitterly. And once when he was considering allowing another Dominant to use me and the other Dom talked about having me go cut a switch from a willow tree wearing possibly a bathrobe or possibly nothing at all. Early winter for that one I think, not bitterly cold but snow on the ground I think. And that time I think I was more worried about getting caught doing it than about the cold, I'm not even sure I would have felt the cold in the terror and humiliation of the rest of it.
My recollection of cold is that one time when he was punishing me for something he put me in a tub of cold water and made me sit in it crying. I don't remember what for. He says it was obviously something to cool my pussy down, so maybe it was me being less monogamous than he wanted, flirting or something. I suggested that maybe I had told him to fuck off and he was trying to cool down my temper, and he said if that had been the case he would have gone out and left me there over lunch.
In any case, I have probably changed it all by talking about it here. But, Sir, I do need to remind you that there's nothing that makes me feel less sexy than being cold. Okay?
Friday, December 10, 2010
Command Perfomance
Cumming on command: is it possible?
Yesterday my comments veered toward that question which holds a fascination and appeal for my Owner. He loves the idea of it. I think he loves the idea of looking at me across a crowded room and giving me the nod. What power. And of course it has the power of threat or intimidation too, as he could use the potential of it as often as the orgasm to ... shape me any way he wants me I guess. Though what's one more weapon in his arsenal?
I have to admit that I don't really believe in orgasm on command. I'm a "show me" kind of girl at my core and don't take much on faith.
I think that there's a lot of heat and arousal to be had just from words. I think he can take me from 0 to about 9.5 on a 10 point scale on words alone. Erotic naughty submissive thoughts. Yes, he is definitely that good.
And often when I'm teetering on the edge of orgasm his voice will push me over. He says nasty things to me, things he's trained me to want, maybe to need in his deep dark voice. So I guess he can take me from 9.5 to 10.
And he really has trained me to respond to all kinds of things, a bit like Pavlov's dogs, salivating at the bell. He's trained me to pain, to become turned on when he hurts me, and to want that. He's trained me to love the dirty words, to get turned on by trash talk. Why wouldn't he be able to train me to cum on command?
So why would I doubt that it's possible or that he could do it?
It seems to me that it's a bit like hypnosis; that it won't really work for you if you don't believe in it. But it just seems so improbable, to cum with no touching at all, no squirming, no pressure of any kind. No hands, sure... but no anything? I doubt it.
And., if it were possible, and maybe it is for some people, I'm not calling anyone a liar here. If it were possible, wouldn't you need to be focused? Wouldn't you need to be fairly turned on in the first place?
And assuming it's possible, how does it happen? How did you learn it, teach it, get there? And under what circumstances?
Yesterday my comments veered toward that question which holds a fascination and appeal for my Owner. He loves the idea of it. I think he loves the idea of looking at me across a crowded room and giving me the nod. What power. And of course it has the power of threat or intimidation too, as he could use the potential of it as often as the orgasm to ... shape me any way he wants me I guess. Though what's one more weapon in his arsenal?
I have to admit that I don't really believe in orgasm on command. I'm a "show me" kind of girl at my core and don't take much on faith.
I think that there's a lot of heat and arousal to be had just from words. I think he can take me from 0 to about 9.5 on a 10 point scale on words alone. Erotic naughty submissive thoughts. Yes, he is definitely that good.
And often when I'm teetering on the edge of orgasm his voice will push me over. He says nasty things to me, things he's trained me to want, maybe to need in his deep dark voice. So I guess he can take me from 9.5 to 10.
And he really has trained me to respond to all kinds of things, a bit like Pavlov's dogs, salivating at the bell. He's trained me to pain, to become turned on when he hurts me, and to want that. He's trained me to love the dirty words, to get turned on by trash talk. Why wouldn't he be able to train me to cum on command?
So why would I doubt that it's possible or that he could do it?
It seems to me that it's a bit like hypnosis; that it won't really work for you if you don't believe in it. But it just seems so improbable, to cum with no touching at all, no squirming, no pressure of any kind. No hands, sure... but no anything? I doubt it.
And., if it were possible, and maybe it is for some people, I'm not calling anyone a liar here. If it were possible, wouldn't you need to be focused? Wouldn't you need to be fairly turned on in the first place?
And assuming it's possible, how does it happen? How did you learn it, teach it, get there? And under what circumstances?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
More Interrupting
Yesterday he kept using the word "interruption" in conversation. Making the point over and over again. But what was the point he was making? I'm not really sure.
Was it that he was surprised that I noted and wrote about it? Maybe Was it that he doesn't think he does it? Probably not it. Was it that he knows he does it and I made him feel defensive? Possible. Was it that I uncovered the behaviour and he wanted to make the point that he'll do it if he damn pleases. Probably.
I think there were a dozen references to interruptions yesterday.
AND he pointed out that most of my commenters liked the behaviour, found it hot, even craved it. Yeah it's dominant. I do agree. Bossy. Arrogant. Rude. Dominant.
Last night we were talking, about something... I don't recall what. Oh yeah, interruptions. Without warning he switches tracks. "Put your legs together, tight together so your knees are touching. Now leave them like that."
Then he pulls up my nightie to my waist.
"Now push your hand in between your thighs and touch your pussy. Keep your fucking knees together I told you."
I obey him, straining to reach anything useful in the plump folds my fingers are wiggling into.
"Now masturbate while I watch you. You have three minutes. I doubt you can cum, but I'll allow you to try. Now rub yourself."
It's hard to touch, to reach, and impossible to touch gently. The roughness is not what I want, I mean it's sort of turning me on but not advancing things. I'll never get there in 3 minutes. Not like this. I don't say it's impossible. He doesn't want to hear stuff like that. He wants to watch me work for it. If I work, even if I don't get there, after the three minutes he might loosen up on the restrictions, on my knees in this case, and let me try again. If I have pleased him, turned him on.
He's monitoring my knees, how tightly my thighs are pressed together.
"Come on you little slut. God you love when I let you get your hands between your legs don't you? Now show me."
I push and strain for him, doing it the hard way because it's what he wants, what he orders. I'm rubbing my clit, wiggling it with my fingers. I'm wet. Turned on. Not close to cumming though.
"Stop now. You're out of time. God look at you. You were so pretty before and now you look like a wanton little slut."
He watches me for a moment. I try to look needy, hoping he will start again. Let me finish. I don't have to try very hard for the look but he's done with me. He tells me it's bedtime. Tells me how much he loves being able to interrupt me any time to do what he wants with me. Sends me to bed. No orgasm. Orgasm interrupted...
Was it that he was surprised that I noted and wrote about it? Maybe Was it that he doesn't think he does it? Probably not it. Was it that he knows he does it and I made him feel defensive? Possible. Was it that I uncovered the behaviour and he wanted to make the point that he'll do it if he damn pleases. Probably.
I think there were a dozen references to interruptions yesterday.
AND he pointed out that most of my commenters liked the behaviour, found it hot, even craved it. Yeah it's dominant. I do agree. Bossy. Arrogant. Rude. Dominant.
Last night we were talking, about something... I don't recall what. Oh yeah, interruptions. Without warning he switches tracks. "Put your legs together, tight together so your knees are touching. Now leave them like that."
Then he pulls up my nightie to my waist.
"Now push your hand in between your thighs and touch your pussy. Keep your fucking knees together I told you."
I obey him, straining to reach anything useful in the plump folds my fingers are wiggling into.
"Now masturbate while I watch you. You have three minutes. I doubt you can cum, but I'll allow you to try. Now rub yourself."
It's hard to touch, to reach, and impossible to touch gently. The roughness is not what I want, I mean it's sort of turning me on but not advancing things. I'll never get there in 3 minutes. Not like this. I don't say it's impossible. He doesn't want to hear stuff like that. He wants to watch me work for it. If I work, even if I don't get there, after the three minutes he might loosen up on the restrictions, on my knees in this case, and let me try again. If I have pleased him, turned him on.
He's monitoring my knees, how tightly my thighs are pressed together.
"Come on you little slut. God you love when I let you get your hands between your legs don't you? Now show me."
I push and strain for him, doing it the hard way because it's what he wants, what he orders. I'm rubbing my clit, wiggling it with my fingers. I'm wet. Turned on. Not close to cumming though.
"Stop now. You're out of time. God look at you. You were so pretty before and now you look like a wanton little slut."
He watches me for a moment. I try to look needy, hoping he will start again. Let me finish. I don't have to try very hard for the look but he's done with me. He tells me it's bedtime. Tells me how much he loves being able to interrupt me any time to do what he wants with me. Sends me to bed. No orgasm. Orgasm interrupted...
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Interruptions
Often my interactions with him feel choppy. In normal interactions with someone there's a flow, things move smoothly from one point to another. With him, conversations shift and move according to his whim. And a conversation is often suddenly interrupted with pain or pleasure or questions or humiliation.
We'll be talking about one thing, and he changes the subject completely and asks a question, drilling into me with a series of 3 or 5 or 10 questions. "What did you do first? Did you read this? What did you think of this? What did you say? Did you say anything? You haven't answered my question yet. What did you think of it?" That kind of thing. Persistent. Intrusive. Curious. Wanting all of me.
And then he'll switch again. To sex or humiliation. Out of the blue. Often it's exposure. "Take your top off. No pull it up over your tits and pull your bra down underneath. Now sit like that while I admire you." And then he might do nothing else with it, with me. He might continue the conversation, eventually telling me to fix my clothes so I don't look like such a slut. Or perhaps he continues with me, starting to play with me sexually from there. I never know which it will be. All of it at his whim.
My only path is obedience, submission to what he wants. He says do it and I do.
Do you think that's a classic male fantasy? That he says jump and she jumps. He says undress and she undresses. He says shut up and she shuts up.
When we first started together I found it hugely intrusive sometimes. We'd be having a conversation, sometimes I was talking and he would interrupt mid sentence to tell me to take my clothes off or he would pinch my nipples. Something so disrespectful of what I was saying, and the fact that I was saying it that it had to be intentional.
I notice it less these days. Oh it still happens, but I am less cognizant of it unless it's very obvious indeed. With stuff like that I just obey.
We'll be talking about one thing, and he changes the subject completely and asks a question, drilling into me with a series of 3 or 5 or 10 questions. "What did you do first? Did you read this? What did you think of this? What did you say? Did you say anything? You haven't answered my question yet. What did you think of it?" That kind of thing. Persistent. Intrusive. Curious. Wanting all of me.
And then he'll switch again. To sex or humiliation. Out of the blue. Often it's exposure. "Take your top off. No pull it up over your tits and pull your bra down underneath. Now sit like that while I admire you." And then he might do nothing else with it, with me. He might continue the conversation, eventually telling me to fix my clothes so I don't look like such a slut. Or perhaps he continues with me, starting to play with me sexually from there. I never know which it will be. All of it at his whim.
My only path is obedience, submission to what he wants. He says do it and I do.
Do you think that's a classic male fantasy? That he says jump and she jumps. He says undress and she undresses. He says shut up and she shuts up.
When we first started together I found it hugely intrusive sometimes. We'd be having a conversation, sometimes I was talking and he would interrupt mid sentence to tell me to take my clothes off or he would pinch my nipples. Something so disrespectful of what I was saying, and the fact that I was saying it that it had to be intentional.
I notice it less these days. Oh it still happens, but I am less cognizant of it unless it's very obvious indeed. With stuff like that I just obey.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Crazy Busy
It's Hannukah which means that we have plans every night, dinners here for a dozen, nights out at band concerts for each of the kids, dinners with friends and family. Presents, little presents for the kids every night, and I'm running out. It's like Christmas come 3 weeks early except that it's all jammed into 8 days. So it's crazy! No time, no clean laundry, no more gifts in the emergency gift cache, double and triple booked as we juggle things.
Tonight we have 11 people sitting down for dinner. That's if we manage to get dinner on the table, after I work all day, and get one kid home from martial arts practice (yes he has to go) and the other kid to and from a different Hannukah party. Any my house could use some tidying, which it isn't gonna get.
We were out last night, out Sunday night. Will be out Wednesday night. And Thursday (it won't be Hannukah anymore on Thursday but the fun never stops around here!)
Tomorrow I have a giant presentation for work for 400 of my closest friends. It's on something I know really well, but 400 people is a lot. I have a powerpoint presentation but I don't really have speaking notes and I haven't practiced and I don't know what I'm wearing. Eeek.
So I'm feeling a bit squeezed for time. And while I have lots of thoughtier posts floating around in my head, this seems to be what I can manage.
Some neat stuff happened this week. Not naughty or dirty, but nice. Stay tuned, maybe I will get there eventually.
Wish me luck for tomorrow? Hope my skirt fits.
Tonight we have 11 people sitting down for dinner. That's if we manage to get dinner on the table, after I work all day, and get one kid home from martial arts practice (yes he has to go) and the other kid to and from a different Hannukah party. Any my house could use some tidying, which it isn't gonna get.
We were out last night, out Sunday night. Will be out Wednesday night. And Thursday (it won't be Hannukah anymore on Thursday but the fun never stops around here!)
Tomorrow I have a giant presentation for work for 400 of my closest friends. It's on something I know really well, but 400 people is a lot. I have a powerpoint presentation but I don't really have speaking notes and I haven't practiced and I don't know what I'm wearing. Eeek.
So I'm feeling a bit squeezed for time. And while I have lots of thoughtier posts floating around in my head, this seems to be what I can manage.
Some neat stuff happened this week. Not naughty or dirty, but nice. Stay tuned, maybe I will get there eventually.
Wish me luck for tomorrow? Hope my skirt fits.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Manipulation
Ages ago when we were just starting out we had several discussions about "manipulation". I think it's what he does. He is bothered by the word. Not really by the concept. I think he thinks it is really a pretty good description of what he does.
But he doesn't like the word. He prefers "persuasion". I say that he doesn't persuade me to do things. He doesn't suggest that I do them. He orders it. He says he doesn't just order and that ideally I obey to please him. And yeah, there's a whole other post there. But back to manipulating.
So I looked it up.
Manipulate is the transitive verb form of the noun manipulation. It means (according to Merriam-Webster online dictionary):
1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner
2a : to manage or utilize skillfully
b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose
So a three part definition. The first part is about treating or operating with the hands or by mechanical means. I so often think of him as the puppet master, imagining him moving the strings of the apparatus that allows (or forces) the marionette to move. He tells me what to do. I do it. But he also makes me feel what he wants me to feel, physically, emotionally. He manipulates my feelings.
That rolls in with 2a. He manages me skillfully. He knows me inside out. He does things to have me respond in a certain way, whether it's the way he touches me or the tasks he has me do. He knows that pain often triggers desire for me, so he uses that. He knows that humiliation can be hot for me, so he uses that. He knows that he can make me do things through fear of disappointing so he uses that too.
Which rolls into 2b. He is knowledgeable about me, about us He knows exactly how to play me to get the results he wants. And he does. He is skillful, no question about that. The absolute honesty he insists on means that he knows soooo much about me and can use it to please us both.
Or can use it unfairly to his own advantage too. Yep. There's a darker side. What is fair in D/s? I don't know. That's a discussion we have had 100 times. Is it fair for him to use information against me? He would say that there's an overall benefit to our relationship to everything (or almost everything) that he does. But he would also agree that he isn't always "fair" and really I don't want or need him to be fair. So he fixes the rules of things to favour him.
One time we played a game - something with dice, I forget what, but I recall that there were outcomes to specific rolls. And I was lucky, very lucky. If we had been playing for money I would have cleaned him out that day. But we were playing for pain and pleasure outcomes and I kept rolling pleasure. So we just played til he won.
What about 3, to change by artful or unfair means to serve one's purpose. Umm, is that different from 2b? I don't think so. I think that's about changing the circumstances, the rules of the game so that he wins, eventually.
And I think the thing that makes it ok is that in our case he wins but I don't lose. I know that he shapes me, moulds me, creates me as he wants me. He even dresses me sometimes. And then he sets the scene, writes the play, creates me as a character in it. He moves me as he wants me, stage directions. And then, within what he has created, I act. I am myself.
I think, looking back at the definition that I often think of him manipulating skillfully and artfully. But the unfairness is there too, and I don't really mind raising that issue occasionally. I like him to face what he is too, don't I?
And in case I haven't been clear here, I think it's all desperately sexy and sexual. I think this is part of the core of the relationship between us. He plans and creates and devises and manipulates based on what he wants and on his read of me. And noice that it's all planned around me? Because with a different submissive, a different puppet, he would have a different result, a whole different play.
Is there a better word than manipulation to talk about what Doms do? And don't you love my marionette analogy?
But he doesn't like the word. He prefers "persuasion". I say that he doesn't persuade me to do things. He doesn't suggest that I do them. He orders it. He says he doesn't just order and that ideally I obey to please him. And yeah, there's a whole other post there. But back to manipulating.
So I looked it up.
Manipulate is the transitive verb form of the noun manipulation. It means (according to Merriam-Webster online dictionary):
1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner
2a : to manage or utilize skillfully
b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose
So a three part definition. The first part is about treating or operating with the hands or by mechanical means. I so often think of him as the puppet master, imagining him moving the strings of the apparatus that allows (or forces) the marionette to move. He tells me what to do. I do it. But he also makes me feel what he wants me to feel, physically, emotionally. He manipulates my feelings.
That rolls in with 2a. He manages me skillfully. He knows me inside out. He does things to have me respond in a certain way, whether it's the way he touches me or the tasks he has me do. He knows that pain often triggers desire for me, so he uses that. He knows that humiliation can be hot for me, so he uses that. He knows that he can make me do things through fear of disappointing so he uses that too.
Which rolls into 2b. He is knowledgeable about me, about us He knows exactly how to play me to get the results he wants. And he does. He is skillful, no question about that. The absolute honesty he insists on means that he knows soooo much about me and can use it to please us both.
Or can use it unfairly to his own advantage too. Yep. There's a darker side. What is fair in D/s? I don't know. That's a discussion we have had 100 times. Is it fair for him to use information against me? He would say that there's an overall benefit to our relationship to everything (or almost everything) that he does. But he would also agree that he isn't always "fair" and really I don't want or need him to be fair. So he fixes the rules of things to favour him.
One time we played a game - something with dice, I forget what, but I recall that there were outcomes to specific rolls. And I was lucky, very lucky. If we had been playing for money I would have cleaned him out that day. But we were playing for pain and pleasure outcomes and I kept rolling pleasure. So we just played til he won.
What about 3, to change by artful or unfair means to serve one's purpose. Umm, is that different from 2b? I don't think so. I think that's about changing the circumstances, the rules of the game so that he wins, eventually.
And I think the thing that makes it ok is that in our case he wins but I don't lose. I know that he shapes me, moulds me, creates me as he wants me. He even dresses me sometimes. And then he sets the scene, writes the play, creates me as a character in it. He moves me as he wants me, stage directions. And then, within what he has created, I act. I am myself.
I think, looking back at the definition that I often think of him manipulating skillfully and artfully. But the unfairness is there too, and I don't really mind raising that issue occasionally. I like him to face what he is too, don't I?
And in case I haven't been clear here, I think it's all desperately sexy and sexual. I think this is part of the core of the relationship between us. He plans and creates and devises and manipulates based on what he wants and on his read of me. And noice that it's all planned around me? Because with a different submissive, a different puppet, he would have a different result, a whole different play.
Is there a better word than manipulation to talk about what Doms do? And don't you love my marionette analogy?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tearing Off the Covers
Earlier this week I wrote a post that was mostly comprised of an email I had sent to my Owner. He ordered me to post it, teasing me that my readers would want to read it. Peeling that back just a little it was clear that he wanted to expose me as his pain slut to my blog friends.
The idea to expose me was probably inspired by me asking for humiliation. Sigh. I say in the email that it's embarrassing even to ask for it. So he exposes that to the world. And specifically to the people that I have some bond with, the commenters. I suppose the exposure is also to the lurking masses but... I can forget they are there.
But referring to those of you who comment, he said to me as he had me do it, what will Aisha think of you when she reads this, or kk, or SFP? So you were part of the ... what? Task? Game? Part of his master plan? Part of him giving me what he wants me to have this week.
You were the innocent (or not so innocent) bystanders to whom he exposed me this week. Tearing back the covers so you could see me craving sex, pain, humiliation.
And so that he could point out that my blog is usually a prim and prissy overlay to some pretty dark stuff.
He delights sometimes in engaging with the commenters. Especially when it's a situation like this that he has engineered.
He has had a little dialogue going on in the comments for the last few days with kk in particular, I think there's a tension there between them actually. A little D/s side action in the comments. Big Bad Dom pushing sweet submissive kk.
He's been pushing her to own up to liking the naughtiness and exposure in my blog when it's that way, exposed and raw.
Kk confessed eventually that she not only found it voyeuristically titillating but also honest, rawly honest, not intellectualized. And that there was a power there. I agree. I think. I don't know. I'm partly intrigued by the interplay and partly still cringing at having posted "that" in the first place. Yes it's raw me.
Do I mind her, or any of you admitting that you like it, with the hint of asking for more? I don't. Though it does make me squirm. Which was what he was after. Again.
So go ahead, say what you like, or what you don't like. Comment how you wish.
Big Bad points out that he requires absolute honesty from me. And I think he'd like to require it of you too. I'm not sure that he totally gets that he doesn't own everyone.
Yes it makes me squirm sometimes but, it's not bad, and he uses it for his own nefarious purposes. Which I mostly like, the nefariousness that is.
I'm a big girl though, and I truly do write to explore my thoughts about being a submissive. And ... your comments and teasing and honesty all feeds into that and gives me food for thought and further exploration. So I can take it. Bring it on.
Edit: 5:34 p.m. A couple of you have sent emails asking if I am ok after you read this. Yes, I am perfectly okay. And not entirely sure what I said that is giving the impression to the contrary. But given that it's more than one person that's wondering ... yesss I'm fine. And Big Bad and I are great. And thanks for worrying about me, that's very sweet of you.
The idea to expose me was probably inspired by me asking for humiliation. Sigh. I say in the email that it's embarrassing even to ask for it. So he exposes that to the world. And specifically to the people that I have some bond with, the commenters. I suppose the exposure is also to the lurking masses but... I can forget they are there.
But referring to those of you who comment, he said to me as he had me do it, what will Aisha think of you when she reads this, or kk, or SFP? So you were part of the ... what? Task? Game? Part of his master plan? Part of him giving me what he wants me to have this week.
You were the innocent (or not so innocent) bystanders to whom he exposed me this week. Tearing back the covers so you could see me craving sex, pain, humiliation.
And so that he could point out that my blog is usually a prim and prissy overlay to some pretty dark stuff.
He delights sometimes in engaging with the commenters. Especially when it's a situation like this that he has engineered.
He has had a little dialogue going on in the comments for the last few days with kk in particular, I think there's a tension there between them actually. A little D/s side action in the comments. Big Bad Dom pushing sweet submissive kk.
He's been pushing her to own up to liking the naughtiness and exposure in my blog when it's that way, exposed and raw.
Kk confessed eventually that she not only found it voyeuristically titillating but also honest, rawly honest, not intellectualized. And that there was a power there. I agree. I think. I don't know. I'm partly intrigued by the interplay and partly still cringing at having posted "that" in the first place. Yes it's raw me.
Do I mind her, or any of you admitting that you like it, with the hint of asking for more? I don't. Though it does make me squirm. Which was what he was after. Again.
So go ahead, say what you like, or what you don't like. Comment how you wish.
Big Bad points out that he requires absolute honesty from me. And I think he'd like to require it of you too. I'm not sure that he totally gets that he doesn't own everyone.
Yes it makes me squirm sometimes but, it's not bad, and he uses it for his own nefarious purposes. Which I mostly like, the nefariousness that is.
I'm a big girl though, and I truly do write to explore my thoughts about being a submissive. And ... your comments and teasing and honesty all feeds into that and gives me food for thought and further exploration. So I can take it. Bring it on.
Edit: 5:34 p.m. A couple of you have sent emails asking if I am ok after you read this. Yes, I am perfectly okay. And not entirely sure what I said that is giving the impression to the contrary. But given that it's more than one person that's wondering ... yesss I'm fine. And Big Bad and I are great. And thanks for worrying about me, that's very sweet of you.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Exposed
He doesn't interfere in my blog very often. On rare occasions he has asked me not to say something a specific way. Usually something he thinks I will regret later. And he has occasionally told me to post something. But that's rare.He emphasizes that it's my blog.
Yesterday he had me post the email I sent him.
He wanted... what?
I think he wanted you to see a different side of me. I know he feels that even here I choose not to share much of. Alujna said in her comment yesterday that the side I usually show is more professional. This was needier. You were right Alujna.
He wanted you to see past the normally cool analytical description. He wanted you to imagine me crawling. Begging. Wanting that. Asking for more.
He wanted to rip the covers off me and leave me naked and exposed for a day.
I think he wanted was to have my embarrassment of showing that part to you be kind of exciting for me. He wanted me squirming but not curled in a ball in the corner.
Yesterday he had me post the email I sent him.
He wanted... what?
I think he wanted you to see a different side of me. I know he feels that even here I choose not to share much of. Alujna said in her comment yesterday that the side I usually show is more professional. This was needier. You were right Alujna.
He wanted you to see past the normally cool analytical description. He wanted you to imagine me crawling. Begging. Wanting that. Asking for more.
He wanted to rip the covers off me and leave me naked and exposed for a day.
I think he wanted was to have my embarrassment of showing that part to you be kind of exciting for me. He wanted me squirming but not curled in a ball in the corner.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Description of a Task
Yesterday he gave me a series of tasks to be completed at specific times.
I was to masturbate 3 times, for 5 minutes each time, at 10:30, at 11:00 and at 11:30. Each time with clamps on my nipples, 3 different sets, the cute little red plastic ones that we sometimes call the toy clamps, a set of fairly standard adjustable clamps that were the first pair I had so we call them the old clamps, and the clover clamps. I was to use my favourite black vibrator each time. I was not allowed to cum the first two times, but he told me to continue the third time til I came, no matter how long it took. At the end I was to write a description of each iteration and send it to him before the end of the day.
He likes tasks like this, timed tasks, and he likes iterations, typically 3 repeats. I tease him that he is like a mad scientist or a experimental engineer, experimenting on me. I am astounded that he doesn't actually have a lab book with experiments all tidily noted down, with controls and variations and data. Maybe he does and is just embarrassed for me to know it.
So I did the task, wrote him the email and last night he said to me that he had learned things from reading the email, as he always does when I write or talk about our sessions. He talked a little about what he had learned.
And then said that he thought I should share it with my blog readers. He was sure you would be interested in my description of my thoughts during our session. I was a bit reluctant. The email was meant for him, not for you. He asked me if I wanted to post it and I said not really, not as it stood. He said that he thought you would want to see what a greedy little whore I was, and really that's probably what I don't want you to see. We debated one part of it, that I suggested could come out, something particularly embarrassing. He definitely wanted that left in, so it's in.
He agreed that I could clean up typos but I have decided to just leave it as is. It doesn't have sentence structure or capitals or punctuation. It's the way I write to Him, very stream of consciousness. And perhaps it shows how much I clean things up for the rest of you, spelling, punctuation and my thoughts. Note that the uncapitalized "i" is not about submission, just about laziness.
So, enjoy I guess. He is dying for comments of course. I'm kind of hoping it's a busy day for everyone and you don't get to it:
The 1030 session... i went upstairs, put the red clips on my nipples - cute little toy clamps and their bite isnt immediately terrible but they are mean little pinchy things, and yes sir, perhaps my nipples arent used to it anymore.
i pulled down my pants and masturbated with the vibe and thought about how good it was and that i wondered if you would come and watch me - which you didnt. and i wondered if i could cum, which i am not certain of, but i THINK so, and i thought abt how nice it would be if you let me cum all 3 times. or ... what about 5 or 7 or 9 says the greedy girl. lets do this all damn day.
and thought abt the mean little clamps and how they hurt, and how pain is pleasure for me , thats the way you've trained me isnt it Master?
and thought briefly of a fantasy where you put the clamps on me and tease me with the vibe but wont let me cum, and are there other people watching or do you have me play with the vibe with just you watching?
and then the time ran out and i stopped. reluctantly.
already eager for the next one.
sexed
second time, with my old clamps
you had me call you and narrate the task this time - later than my original time of 11...
i took off my bra and put on the clamps - my nipples still marked from the red ones . god it hurt putting them on, hurt more than i thought it should - do i always say that with these - as i write that i realize the clovers will hurt a lot.
it was hard to focus on the pleasure which was what i wanted. and your voice helped and hindered because your voice makes me focus on YOU, on pleasing you. which i love. so ... if that sounds like i am complaining at all, I'm not
different intervals of narration and quiet, of different, slightly different activity.
too much pain at first, and then pleasure, i was able to focus on the pleasure, on feeling my cunt, and wishing the batteries in my vibe were newer... these ones are ok but ... stronger would be better, make it easier to focus on my pleasure, easier to fight through the pain.
to the pleasure which is where i was finally able to focus
til you turned the vibe off and had me tell. you want my focus on the pain then. she says. somewhat shocked each time by the fact of his sadism.
shocked and aroused though i think. Big Bad Dom.
yum. i like that.
do i want the next one? yessssss
do i fear it too? yes sir, that too. but i want it more than i fear it
you had me roll my nipples after you were done with me. hurt like a motherfucker. its gonna hurt like a motherfucker again when you put the clovers on me.
i want that sir. do me. make me cry. for you?
the third time - with the clovers - no i didnt change the batteries btw. i dont think i would do that without checking with you or at least telling you i had done it in the middle of a series.
i put the clamps on and they bite instantly, its hard to put them on this time and .. i suddenly dont want them as much. i'm kind of humbled at how fast i change my mind with this.
I start to masturbate, trying to get to the pleasure right away. i worry that sometimes with tasks like this if i dont get there fast i can never get there. the pain becomes too much.
but the pleasure is there today. accessible. i will get there. pretty sure
you talk to me. you tell me i am a "dirty little girl" thats hot for me. nasty talk - or not really so nasty but mildly humiliating.
i ... miss that a bit Sir, the humiliation play. its hard for you to do it with me now i know, with little to no privacy. i do understand that. its hard for me to admit to it too sir. makes me humiliated just doing it.
you tell me you are going to time how long it takes me to cum. and you give me several cycles of narration and quiet.
and i cum , hard. really hard. and then pain - which seems to be your kink these days sir, no pleasure without that harsh hit of pain after
and then you want to know how i feel - with the clamps still on. fucker. i hurt. i want them off. hard to focus on anything else. i tell about the throbbing in my nipples, that there was throbbing in my pussy too, after the cum, but that its gone by that point. just pain, just nipples. just wanting them off. tired.
thank you for the task Sir. i know that both of us are trying to squeeze all the good we can out of our situation. this was a good thing for me. I think for you too.
kiss
I was to masturbate 3 times, for 5 minutes each time, at 10:30, at 11:00 and at 11:30. Each time with clamps on my nipples, 3 different sets, the cute little red plastic ones that we sometimes call the toy clamps, a set of fairly standard adjustable clamps that were the first pair I had so we call them the old clamps, and the clover clamps. I was to use my favourite black vibrator each time. I was not allowed to cum the first two times, but he told me to continue the third time til I came, no matter how long it took. At the end I was to write a description of each iteration and send it to him before the end of the day.
He likes tasks like this, timed tasks, and he likes iterations, typically 3 repeats. I tease him that he is like a mad scientist or a experimental engineer, experimenting on me. I am astounded that he doesn't actually have a lab book with experiments all tidily noted down, with controls and variations and data. Maybe he does and is just embarrassed for me to know it.
So I did the task, wrote him the email and last night he said to me that he had learned things from reading the email, as he always does when I write or talk about our sessions. He talked a little about what he had learned.
And then said that he thought I should share it with my blog readers. He was sure you would be interested in my description of my thoughts during our session. I was a bit reluctant. The email was meant for him, not for you. He asked me if I wanted to post it and I said not really, not as it stood. He said that he thought you would want to see what a greedy little whore I was, and really that's probably what I don't want you to see. We debated one part of it, that I suggested could come out, something particularly embarrassing. He definitely wanted that left in, so it's in.
He agreed that I could clean up typos but I have decided to just leave it as is. It doesn't have sentence structure or capitals or punctuation. It's the way I write to Him, very stream of consciousness. And perhaps it shows how much I clean things up for the rest of you, spelling, punctuation and my thoughts. Note that the uncapitalized "i" is not about submission, just about laziness.
So, enjoy I guess. He is dying for comments of course. I'm kind of hoping it's a busy day for everyone and you don't get to it:
The 1030 session... i went upstairs, put the red clips on my nipples - cute little toy clamps and their bite isnt immediately terrible but they are mean little pinchy things, and yes sir, perhaps my nipples arent used to it anymore.
i pulled down my pants and masturbated with the vibe and thought about how good it was and that i wondered if you would come and watch me - which you didnt. and i wondered if i could cum, which i am not certain of, but i THINK so, and i thought abt how nice it would be if you let me cum all 3 times. or ... what about 5 or 7 or 9 says the greedy girl. lets do this all damn day.
and thought abt the mean little clamps and how they hurt, and how pain is pleasure for me , thats the way you've trained me isnt it Master?
and thought briefly of a fantasy where you put the clamps on me and tease me with the vibe but wont let me cum, and are there other people watching or do you have me play with the vibe with just you watching?
and then the time ran out and i stopped. reluctantly.
already eager for the next one.
sexed
second time, with my old clamps
you had me call you and narrate the task this time - later than my original time of 11...
i took off my bra and put on the clamps - my nipples still marked from the red ones . god it hurt putting them on, hurt more than i thought it should - do i always say that with these - as i write that i realize the clovers will hurt a lot.
it was hard to focus on the pleasure which was what i wanted. and your voice helped and hindered because your voice makes me focus on YOU, on pleasing you. which i love. so ... if that sounds like i am complaining at all, I'm not
different intervals of narration and quiet, of different, slightly different activity.
too much pain at first, and then pleasure, i was able to focus on the pleasure, on feeling my cunt, and wishing the batteries in my vibe were newer... these ones are ok but ... stronger would be better, make it easier to focus on my pleasure, easier to fight through the pain.
to the pleasure which is where i was finally able to focus
til you turned the vibe off and had me tell. you want my focus on the pain then. she says. somewhat shocked each time by the fact of his sadism.
shocked and aroused though i think. Big Bad Dom.
yum. i like that.
do i want the next one? yessssss
do i fear it too? yes sir, that too. but i want it more than i fear it
you had me roll my nipples after you were done with me. hurt like a motherfucker. its gonna hurt like a motherfucker again when you put the clovers on me.
i want that sir. do me. make me cry. for you?
the third time - with the clovers - no i didnt change the batteries btw. i dont think i would do that without checking with you or at least telling you i had done it in the middle of a series.
i put the clamps on and they bite instantly, its hard to put them on this time and .. i suddenly dont want them as much. i'm kind of humbled at how fast i change my mind with this.
I start to masturbate, trying to get to the pleasure right away. i worry that sometimes with tasks like this if i dont get there fast i can never get there. the pain becomes too much.
but the pleasure is there today. accessible. i will get there. pretty sure
you talk to me. you tell me i am a "dirty little girl" thats hot for me. nasty talk - or not really so nasty but mildly humiliating.
i ... miss that a bit Sir, the humiliation play. its hard for you to do it with me now i know, with little to no privacy. i do understand that. its hard for me to admit to it too sir. makes me humiliated just doing it.
you tell me you are going to time how long it takes me to cum. and you give me several cycles of narration and quiet.
and i cum , hard. really hard. and then pain - which seems to be your kink these days sir, no pleasure without that harsh hit of pain after
and then you want to know how i feel - with the clamps still on. fucker. i hurt. i want them off. hard to focus on anything else. i tell about the throbbing in my nipples, that there was throbbing in my pussy too, after the cum, but that its gone by that point. just pain, just nipples. just wanting them off. tired.
thank you for the task Sir. i know that both of us are trying to squeeze all the good we can out of our situation. this was a good thing for me. I think for you too.
kiss
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
December
Well, it's December. Yeahhhhhh!
I survived November. Which I officially loathe. Yeah, ridiculous word but it's true. The weather, the cold, the dark, the drizzle. The feel of it. Ick. And some sad shit that happened a long time ago that make me blue every year.
So it's December. And I am officially behind.
Hanukkah starts tonight. TONIGHT!
Holy Crap.
So today I need to decorate, clean, buy, wrap, cook and celebrate. (Oh and do a couple of real life things in there too, an errand for home and a task for work)
Lucky my Owner is too busy for me today? Well not really, cause if I hadn't known that I would never have let things go this long. Actually today is sort of a cross between too busy and too committed I think.
His living arrangements have changed just enough that it's hard for us to get private time, and that looks like it could go on indefinitely. Or at least for November and December. And yeah, all of December with no private time is a long time. But it sure beats indefinitely.
I'm not great with open ended stuff like that. But I love him and need to focus on the good stuff right? I need to let him work it out, to leave it all in his hands.
... and I'm trying to be a good sport and to immerse myself in happy stuff so that I don't mind. I'm trying to focus on what's great between us.
And what I need to focus on right now is the list of 57 things I have to do today. Hmmm... should I start with cleaning the kitchen or the PowerPoint presentation?
I survived November. Which I officially loathe. Yeah, ridiculous word but it's true. The weather, the cold, the dark, the drizzle. The feel of it. Ick. And some sad shit that happened a long time ago that make me blue every year.
So it's December. And I am officially behind.
Hanukkah starts tonight. TONIGHT!
Holy Crap.
So today I need to decorate, clean, buy, wrap, cook and celebrate. (Oh and do a couple of real life things in there too, an errand for home and a task for work)
Lucky my Owner is too busy for me today? Well not really, cause if I hadn't known that I would never have let things go this long. Actually today is sort of a cross between too busy and too committed I think.
His living arrangements have changed just enough that it's hard for us to get private time, and that looks like it could go on indefinitely. Or at least for November and December. And yeah, all of December with no private time is a long time. But it sure beats indefinitely.
I'm not great with open ended stuff like that. But I love him and need to focus on the good stuff right? I need to let him work it out, to leave it all in his hands.
... and I'm trying to be a good sport and to immerse myself in happy stuff so that I don't mind. I'm trying to focus on what's great between us.
And what I need to focus on right now is the list of 57 things I have to do today. Hmmm... should I start with cleaning the kitchen or the PowerPoint presentation?
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