Deepening Submission?

I was roaming blog world and found a blog I've found before and liked before. It's written by a submissive male, who calls himself Hawk. He describes himself as a 40something sub with a big heart, a submissive soul, and a creative mind. The blog is called Sub Space Searching and this particular post is titled When a Sub Reads Domme Literature...

And I've stolen his thoughts to bring to you. I've changed it to a male Dominant female submissive point of view. And considering after it's over and written, perhaps I should have left it in female Dominant male submissive form. It certainly would have allowed me to write about it more objectively, with less "oh I wouldn't want to do THAT" in my head.

Hawk says, "Well, it's probably just not a smart thing to do for starters. But I did...and came across a few articles on "How to drive your sub/slave into deeper submission." I realize there are 1000's of ways, but there were some I read that struck a cord with me. Thought I'd share some of the things in the article with my reaction."

I agree Hawk, maybe not smart, but exciting, daring and interesting. And maybe not smart to write about it either. It's kind of a Pandora's Box isn't it? Where trouble comes from knowledge? His 11 suggestions are below in italics, my responses in regular type.

1. Have her make a list of the 10 things that make him the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed. Wow. This is huge isn't it? Ten things. The ten things that make me the MOST self conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed. Wow. My Dom and I used to talk all the time about how information is power. And since I wanted to give him power over me and he wanted to take it, that one of the best ways for that to happen was through information. What I want, need, like, don't like, am embarrassed about, get turned on with. this is more of that I think, but with a fairly explicit target. The things that make me squirm.

I think that often male submissives crave humiliation, often more explicitly than female subs do. It's often a huge part of the dynamic. I do like humiliation. That was a huge admission at one time, one that he forced me to see about myself, and it's still a big deal for me to just admit it. But this list would be hard. Especially knowing that it would likely be followed by at least some of number 2 below.

2. Work with her, having her do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations. The things that make me the MOST self-conscious or uncomfortable or embarrassed? Wow. See comments from above.

I wonder if there's really a sense that this could be a good way to conquer fears and improve my life? It could be. Like in a case where I am embarrassed about my body and he becomes my personal trainer and I become thin and fit and that much more dependent on him. I guess if that was true it would deepen my submission.

But this strikes me much more as a way for him to trigger humiliations that strike dead on. What do you think?

3. Have her eat from a dog bowl on occasion. Umm, yes that would make me feel embarrassed. Submissive. There's something about the power, feeling his power making me do something just because he can. I think this would make me feel my submission deeply.

4. For transgressions, command that she is to be silent for a period of time. She may not speak and will take whatever pain or pleasure or punishment as silently as possible. He occaisionally tells me not to speak as part of sex. But I don't think he has ever told me not to speak because I transgressed, as part of a punishment. Would it be effective? Probably. I might get mad, madder, but it would be a big power play.


5. Have her wear nipple clamps under her clothing out to dinner or shopping.  He's done this. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can't think of anything else.

6. Speak about her as if she were not present. Yeah, he does this. At first it really freaked me out. It made me feel like a little kid listening to adults talk about her. Now, I'm kind of used to it and it doesn't bother me much. Familiarity breeds a certain amout of comfort right?

7. Keep a list of her transgressions in a little book....let her slip for a while...thinking You are not noticing.....then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement. He doesn't usually do this, just let things slide. He pounces on them as soon as they happen. He has done it, once, let things pile up til they were a great big pile of trouble but not usually. And he probably has a book, he's like that. No not really, but only because he really does call me on stuff right away. Saves him from having to keep that book.

8. Don't be afraid to bring her to tears, for they are Yours as well. He's not afraid of my tears at all. I wonder if he thinks they are his. Probably.

9. Get her tattooed (Your choice of art and location). No thank you. This is something he'd like to explore I think. I imagine him tattooing his name on me, or thinking about it. It's a limit for me because of my real life situation. Frankly it's something I would resist anyway because of the permanence of it. Honestly, I adore him now, and I have for a long time. I expect to keep on adoring him and serving him. But nothing in life is sure. And how the hell would I explain a tattoo pointing to my slit that says "MASTER"S TOY". Which I guess is the point? I suggest that he can sublimate with temporary designs on my body.

10 . Make her swallow his own cum or someone else's cum. I do taste my own all the time. And I've tasted other people's of course. But never in that kind of third party situation where it was just because it was ordered by someone else.

11. Force her to eat something that she likes but modify it with spit or golden nectar. Umm. Well now that's a diet strategy isn't it?

****************

I think that all Doms and Dommes have ways of making us more attached to them, making us feel our submission and making us feel attached specifically to them. After all, that's the name of the game right? And I don't think they come from rule books. They are combinations of things that appeal to the Dom, will make him feel powerful and that work, that he knows work cause he's probably tried variations of them before. Not really making any point here, just thinking.

Long Distance

Yesterday I was catching up on my reading and I read this post by Discerning Dom saying that he and his lover, his submissive, had decided to release each other.

They love each other, adore each other and have had a long distance relationship with several passionate meetings. But this post says they have decided they cannot continue because they live too far away and see each other too infrequently. And in the interim they feel they aren't giving (and presumably getting) what they need.

I guess this just makes me sad.

I didn't leave a long comment saying "No you have it wrong. You can make this work." Because clearly they didn't feel they could.

So I just went away feeling bad for them.

I don't feel their decision makes my relationship less viable. I've always known that mine is not the norm, not the idea, not the Holy Grail of relationships. But somehow it works most days.

Sometimes I wish it was different. Lots of the time I don't think about it, it just IS. And sometimes it's pretty freakin amazing and I wouldn't trade it.

Maybe some of what makes it work is perspective. Seeing the glass half full instead of half empty? Enjoying what I have instead of focusing on what I don't.

I doubt my perspective or my platitudes would have helped them in their situation. But it's a relationship that does fulfil us though perhaps the logic to that escapes the rest of the world. And after all, it's really only the two of us (well okay, sometimes more) in our relationship.

What's in a Name?

Imagine.

Imagine me saying to my Owner, "I am changing my name", "thinking of changing my name", "wonder what you think about me changing my name".

He'd be cool with the idea at first. Interested, intrigued. "To what subgirl?" Wondering what would have motivated me to want a change, what new direction I was going in the exploration of self.

Actually, in some ways he doesn't care about what name I call myself. You think of me as Sin, which I like, but isn't my name of course. But it's my online name or one of them.

He calls me subgirl most often, a generic term. Or he calls me one of 20 other names, some nasty, some loving, some objectifying. He calls me what he wants. So why would he care if I had a new name? But he'd care because he'd want to know my thinking about it.

I saw a name while I was reading blog comments today. The name is No.

Not NoSir or NoPleaseDon'tSir.

It's No. There must be a story there. I did follow the link but there wasn't a blog on the other end. So there must be a story but it's a private one.

He'd probably let me change my name to lots of things. I think he would anyway. To Honey or Painslut or CuntBitchHarlot. But I'm pretty sure he'd draw the line at No.

I bet he'd go for Yes though. Ummm, maybe make that YesSir.

Why Do I Compare Myself?

Formspring Q - Why do you spend so much of your time comparing yourself to other subs and slaves? Are you insecure?

Umm no. Actually I didn't realize I did do that. So this made me look at that behaviour.
 
I do compare myself to other subs in terms of pain, I wrote some stuff on that not long ago, the pain continuum. Umm, I guess that part is interesting. It's not something I'd ever had a chance to do, ever before. Like in grade school you know where you stand in terms of math and English and gym. I'm not super competitive about any of that, and I'm certainly not with pain, but it's sort of interesting to speculate about it nonetheless, and to understand where I fit.
 
I agree, upon reflection, that I compare myself to other subs when he has another girl.  Which I think is kind of natural, because, I guess I assume he MUST do some of that, though he rarely (if ever?) tells me about those comparisons.
 
I don't think it's about being insecure at all. I think it's more about validating myself, my behaviours, my choices, the way I am. It's not that I think others are better. I'm very confident actually. If anything I think I am better, at least for him, and maybe I'm pointing that out to him, to the world, to myself.
 
Maybe a really nice girl wouldn't do that, but hey, it's my blog right?

One of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days where everything is just really hard. And it seems like everyone around you must be consciously and purposefully working against you?

Yesterday was one of those days for me. Everyone from bureaucrats to salespeople to the teenager in McDonalds who got my special order exactly backwards and was huffy when I sent it back. Twice. My kids were a pain, inconsiderate and demanding and so slobby.

I guess today is a new day right? Though I've already had words with 3 people and it's only 7:30. So maybe it's more of yesterday.

I hope it's not another one of those days.

Big Bad on Pain

I asked if anyone had questions for my Dom and several people sent questions. Here is his first response. Written by him and not by me. Maybe the blog bug will bite him too.

Dear Big Bad...is it the pain that is a turn on...or her willingness to "take it"for You that gets things heated for You?

Yes, all of the above and more. Sin and I have talked a lot about what the Sadist part of Me gets from giving her pain. First, just pain alone doesn't excite Me at all. For example, if she slammed her finger in the door, whether I was present or not, it would not provide Me any of the high that I get when "I" give her pain. So it is much more than just the pain, it is about Me giving it and her taking it for Me. Now that's power!

I think you should understand; however, that when I give sin pain, it is almost always done in a sexual way, usually nipple pain because I find that the most effective way to deliver the levels of pain I choose to give her in our mostly online D/s relationship. So, usually, I have stripped her first, exposed her pretty breasts, often making her play with them, pull them, twist them, pinch them - all preparing herself, her nipples, making them more sensitive. She has such conflicted emotions about this part as it makes her sexual, even craving if I do it long enough BUT she is also acutely aware all the time that she is making her nipples more sensitive, even sore. She is aware all the time that what will follow is that I am going to hurt them more and the pain will be even greater due to the preparation I make her do with her own fingers used as Mine.

There is yet another piece of this, beyond power, sex and sadism, that I get high from as well. That part is, despite all I've said above, making her want it, need it, even crave the pain when she doesn't get it for awhile. In other words, making this strong woman a masochist for not only pain, but My pain. Making her a pain addict, a pain slut. That is a mentally challenging hot piece of this for Me too. By the way, when I met sin, many years ago, she hated pain. How do you feel about pain today, My lil pain slut? Yes, it is a huge turn on for Me when I take it away from her for awhile and she eventually humiliates herself enough to come on her knees and beg for it. You see, she needs it now and I have it. This is hard for her to do - she is proud and it degrades her to have to beg for what I have and she needs. That part can actually be hot for both of Us.

In her blog, sin has addressed this subject at length from the sub's viewpoint. I hope this gives you a little window into the mind of her Sadist. By the way, I love her for many reasons, and certainly one of them is taking the pain I dish up for her and often coming back for more.

So many legs and arms to this pain aspect of Our D/s relationship and we still learn more about it and each other every time we play with it. I could go on for hours about this one but out of time now.

So all of this turns Me on when giving pain to sin and I should mention that she soaks herself between her thighs as all this is happening. Power? Of course.

A Warning

I have a daily requirement to send him an email telling him my clothing that day, my weight and my logistics. There's no specific time requirement for it but he wants it earlier rather than later. Sometimes it slides later and later in the day.

The requirement ... well he wants it to be meaningful to me. And we've discussed and even argued a bit about it. I feel like its a chore, and despite his best efforts it's not really very meaningful.

Which means I just kind of do it, usually in the morning, always by the end of the day. Sometimes in the past I have forgotten it completely and then he punishes me for it.

I'm supposed to do it even when he is away and can't read it. We've fought about that.

He has a couple of other girls he receives various and slightly different reports from. And of course it's important and meaningful to them. Or that's the impression I get.

One girl sends him a weekly report of her activities, with a cc to me. Last week she was late with her report.

This week her email to him (cc to me) notes that she was late last week, and that her Master had decided not to punish her but had asked mine to do that, since the late email had been to him. Following me so far? She's supposed to send my Owner an email, it was late and so her Master was asking mine to issue her a punishment.

A written assignment on "Why I Alwasy Obey My Master's Orders", written with those black office binder clips on her nipples. The clips are to go on before she starts and don't come off til she sends him the email. And she gets to have a vibe on her pussy while she writes it, though I'm not sure that would have any mitigating effect at all. The assignment is to be completed by Wednesday.

So I read this and think omg is he crazy? Binder clips. I've worn binder clips. Not for long enough to write an essay, that's for damn sure. I mention to him that it's a pretty rough punishment, thinking that I think she might be tougher than I am but still, it's very harsh. If she can write at all, she better have an essay plan before she starts.

A little later he and I talk briefly about this punishment. Frankly I was kind of shocked. He points out that she isn't me, that she likes things rough, that he Master encouraged a rough punishment.

Then, sort of out of the blue he says that my email was late yesterday, and brief. And was I just ticking the box, filling the requirement? Well yeah, I DO just tick the box, for this requirement, but I agree it was pretty late, later than it probably should have been.

And yes sir, I do take some warning from the juxtaposition of these conversations.

Dear Big Bad Dom, I Have a Question...

My Owner and I have been discussing the Formspring questions which he really liked. I said, kind of joking, or was I kind of challenging him, that I was going to ask for questions for him. He laughed. Brushed it off though.

And then I came back to it again, teasing him about it, cause we were talking about the questions. I said again that I had considered posting a call for questions for him. Although, really, I wouldn't dare do it without his explicit consent because... because he wouldn't like it and I'm not sure what he might do, but refusing to answer would be a possibility, and making me take it back publicly, as would punishing me.

And I was delighted when he said that he didn't really want to type out answers, but what if he answered them to me and I wrote them out? And would that satisfy me? The answer, yes, very much so.

So if you have questions you've been yearning to ask Big Bad, bring em on. You can ask them here or use the Formspring box on the left which is anonymous. If they are questions for him please make it clear that they are for him.

Sullen Rebellion

I think sometimes I am the balkiest sub around. 

I know that lots of you leave me comments about how much sweeter and more understanding you would be in my situation, how lucky I am and how I just really need to suck it up a bit more, how you'd never be jealous, how you' never revolt, how you'd never talk back. There are suggestions that other Masters, your Masters, wouldn't put up with my behaviour. That I'm a brat, which is not the way I think of myself at all, cause I know that brat is not what he wants. I think of myself as a strong independent woman who submits. And I think that we have a great relationship, but I also think, honestly, that he is as lucky to have me as I am to have him, and that there's a give and take that makes us work.

And of course tons of you leave comments the other way too, saying that you think I submit to lots that you would struggle more with, but those aren't what I'm talking about here. I guess there's always a continuum of behaviour and that I'm on it somewhere.

I know that when he and I are fighting or when he's making me do something I don't want to do, I feel like a little kid or a rebellious teen. With him as the parent, and not really in the good Daddy way that is normally the way we use the Daddy role. I think in those times, when he is struggling to make me submit, he is the frustrated parent of a teen, who is sulky, angry, bitter and unreasonable (and sometimes wild and hormonal and just plain crazy).

And I feel like I know teenage angst and sullenness and surliness from living with my teenagers. This weekend I have friends and their teens staying with us. And I realize that I really have no concept of how surly surly can be. These kids are rude, disrespectful, sullen, uncommunicative, unhelpful. They are aggressively unpleasant. The parents are infuriating and condescending and disrespectful too, embarrassing the teens publicly, needlessly. I feel sorry for parents and kids in this relationship, and it seems to escalate by leaps and bounds every time I see them.

And my kids, (and maybe me too) next to them, seem more sweetly eager to please rather than mildly sullen and surly and unhelpful as I often see them, because I think my kids are shocked and embarrassed by the rudeness and disrespect.

This interplay this weekend has made me think about my own sulky behaviour with my Owner sometimes. And how I kind of ... do I take pride in my rebelliousness? Just like teens do, standing on whatever point of pride, angry at the world and their stupid parents for not seeing things their way.

I have assumed without really examining it, that my behaviour is more like my teens occaisionally annoying version of teenage rebellion rather than those other kids. It must be, right? After all, I'm in the relationship by choice, overall. And the sessions of rebellion and anger and angst are short, they don't go on for years.

But I think I suddenly see the potential for the bad stuff to grow and feed on itself and expand and crowd out all the good. When there's disrespect and anger from one side it elicits the same from the other side. I can look back on at least one time when this has happened in our relationship, everybody expecting and giving the worst. And it really did feed on itself.

I often wish I felt the submission that I read about, and it's hard to feel something I just don't feel. It's hard to regulate feelings. But it's easier to regulate behaviour. And to try a little harder to be gracious and giving, rather than surly and pridefully correct.

I don't expect I will ever feel perfect submission. Oh I feel it fine some days. But some days I simply don't. I think that I feel all the powerlessness and injustice and arbitrariness that teens feel. But I can try (that's "try" Master) to be more gracious about expressing it.

More Questions

1. How often do you get to physically be together with Big Bad?


I've been physically with Big Bad once. We live in different countries, thousands of miles from each other. I'd like it if it were more often, so would he but it's almost impossible.
 
Having said that, we don't really focus (usually) on not getting that physical togetherness. We focus on the relationship we do have. Which is comprised essentially of online, phone, webcam, chat, email.
 
2. Do you and Big Bad live together?

Nope - see above. We spend a lot of time together, but not physically. I live with a husband and kids in Canada. He lives with a girlfriend in the USA.

3. Do you find it difficult to keep this part of your life separate from your real life?


Sometimes I do. Sometimes there is spillover into my real life. He wants a little spillover and I don't say no to him, from the beginning he has wanted to be part of my day to day routine and he is pretty interwoven there. But he also respects my family life and my job and that threatening either of those things threatens our relationship, so he doesn't take any demands too far into my real life. He doesn't have me naked at the office (at least not too often) or around my kids (ever) and my kids and colleagues and friends would not ever guess that I am a submissive. They'd probably guess Domme if they did make a guess.

Sometimes it's hard to shift in the blink of an eye from work-domme or mommy-domme to His sub (or the other way around). Which means that sometimes I bring that forceful bossy woman to him and he puts me in my place. And if he knows that I have a work thing that I am nervous about, where I need to be on my game, he doesn't make me feel submissive or humiliated.
 
4.  I know your questions are probably piling up lol, but...What have you found to be the most challenging aspects of your submission?
 
Intellectually the most challenging thing has always been reconciling my submission with being a feminist. They SO don't go together. And this was not how I grew up thinking my relationships would look. But it is who I am, and this is the relationship that I want. So somehow it all has to work right?
 
In terms of me actually submitting, the most challenging thing is submitting. It's actually doing it when I don't want to. When I think it's not fair. When I think my Dom is being a fucker. Cause sometimes I do think that and there aren't any time outs. Cause sometimes I would way rather say "No" (or "fuck you, you selfish bastard") than "Yes Sir", but I still have to say "Yes Sir". "Fuck you" turns out to be something that really pisses him off and elicits retribution. Our particular relationship doesn't really allow for time outs.

Update

We've talked about him playing with other subs and I've said I will try again to be ok with it. Even to enjoy it, as much as I can. That's my starting position.

If I was a different woman he might try to play at making me jealous, humiliating me with them. He's capable of that I think, of finding heat and excitement in that kind of humiliation. But I'm me, so he doesn't.

We've worked on some rules, some guidelines. Rules for me, guidelines for him. Guidelines for her too if it comes to that. I might post them some day when I have time to go find them and edit for spelling and punctuation.

So I have said go ahead. I will try to deal. I know it sounds like permission. It's really not. I dislike the idea of me giving him permission as much as he does I think. He'll do what he wants. So it's really a question of whether we fight about it or not. I suppose he could just tell me to shut up and suck it up, but he doesn't.

And he's prowling a little. Because he can. He might object to the word prowling. Umm, how about checking things out. Exploring?

And he told me about a conversation with a girl. A prospect.

She - Are you certain Sin is okay with this? Really okay?

He-  No, not really. I don't think she is sure either. She is willing to try it and I love her for that, of course.

Am I sure? No. But I'll try. Because he wants it.

And in other news, one of his ex-subs sent him a message today. The important ex-sub actually.

And yes, I'm fine. Not jealous. Not teary. Not crazy. So far so good. Stay tuned for further updates on all this.

Lesson

Yesterday I was waiting for him. And while I waited I was doing some other stuff, online, on my computer. I forget what I was doing, maybe work emails or maybe reading blogs, not sure. But for some reason I was kneeling on the hardwood floor reading my computer screen. Which was fine apparently, but I wound up waiting a little while for him, and when he finally arrived, I was kind of stiff already.

So when he arrived, he didn't say kneel, cause I already was. And I didn't move, because I know he likes me that way.

And I was dressed for him, in a corset and my collar, black lace thong too, but he couldn't see that in the view he had of me on the webcam, looking at me from about the waist up at that point. He admired me, and told me I was pretty . I think pretty was the word he used, which he doesn't throw around too often.

Anyway, I was pleased with the comment, pleased with his approval and then he started talking, telling me something, ummm, I think it might have been about Watson and Jeopardy. Something vanilla.

And I was on my knees forever. And they started to hurt. So at some point, I was uncomfortable, and was starting to shift and fidget.

Without thinking I reached for a pillow and slid it under my legs and continued kneeling.

He interrupted what he was saying to remark, "How are your legs? Would you like a pillow?" and I'm sure I blushed. Busted. "Ooops. I guess you saw that?" I said. Innocent. I shouldn't have done it.

He turned stern on me. "When  you are with me, you ask for something like that. You ask for everything. Everything comes from me. Understand."

And when I said yes Sir, meekly, submissively, he said "Now take the pillow away. If you'd asked for it, you'd have had it. But now you won't."

I kind of gulped. Took the pillow away. And settled in for him to torture me. I wondered then if the whole focus of the day would shift to my legs, to enduring the pain of kneeling too long.

And for the next however long it was, he kept me there, talking, touching myself, on my knees. A couple of times he asked me how my knees were. I answered honestly that they hurt and he nodded and went on, leaving me like that. I guess no one ever died from sore knees right?

I could have asked him at that point for a pillow, I could have asked him at that point to get off my knees. But I didn't. I just toughed it out. Knowing that he wanted to teach a lesson. Knowing that he knew I hurt, and that he was teaching me and that he'd move me when he was ready. And that I would ask when I couldn't bear it anymore.

I shifted, trying to be unobtrusive, trying not to be out of the position he hadn't put me in but that now he wanted me in. I tried to think about whether I should ask him, whether that would make things better or worse. Clearly he thought I should have asked. But did that mean I should ask now. He was doing other stuff with me too, but my focus was really my knees and legs. Sore. Stiff. Pins and needles. I shifted again, trying to get some blood flow going without drawing so much attention that it would make things worse.

"How are your legs?" he asked me again.

"Sore."

Finally he moved me.

Next time I will ask.

It wasn't a huge punishment. On a bad day it might have derailed our whole day. Or mine anyway, cause he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to, right? And he'd get something out of disciplining me. He'd get power, and control and obedience and submission along with a refreshment of expectations for next time.

And I would submit. And know I should have asked for the pillow. And make a mental note to damn sure do better next time.

It wasn't a huge punishment. He might say it wasn't really a punishment at all. But it was a lesson. I know what he likes. Expects. I know not to just do as I please. I know that I am there to obey him.

So I'm sorry that I snuck that pillow in there. And I won't do it next time. Because there was a lesson. A refresher. I knew better. I know better.

Having My Cake and Eating it Too

Someone asked me, "sin- I love following you.. You're the first blog I read every day- so Thank you! So my question... Are you married to someone else? And if so- how do you and your owner deal with that? Does your husband know? ~faithful follower"

Yes I'm married to someone else. Most days, pretty happily married.

I don't focus on my marriage here because this blog is mostly about finding my submission as it says in the title. And my marriage isn't really about finding my submission. My marriage is more about building a partnership to do the things we want to do.

We've been married a long time. He's a good man, a good husband, a good friend and I love him. He's pretty dominant in the bedroom but outside of that we are pretty much equal partners. I say pretty much because, just like all marriages, there are decisions where he's the bigger decision maker and some where I am. For example, he has a bigger say about money decisions, I have a bigger voice about the kids.

Does my husband know? Yes. Sort of. As much as he wants to. Probably more than he wants to. I try not to put it in his face. He doesn't know specifics. He knows that I have a relationship. We don't really talk about it anymore though we fought fiercely about it for a while. And he doesn't know how submissive I am in my relationship with Big Bad. And he isn't crazy about it. I'm sure he wishes the whole thing would all just go away and I would find another hobby. He doesn't know about this blog.

How does my Owner deal with it? As respectfully as possible. That's one of the things that has made my relationship with him possible really.

My Owner also has another relationship, a woman he lives with and loves, more vanilla than me, but more D/s than mine with my husband. I try to be respectful of that. Does she know? Yes, she knows a fair bit I think, but not everything.

We are pretty happy with the status quo right now.  I am happy with my husband and family and life. I am happy with Big Bad.

Its an simple question. And it's hard for me to answer without it sounding like a pile of excuses. Or without it sounding like I'm running him down. And, honestly, I'm such a pleaser and I know that some of you will disapprove.

And I'm not planning to leave my husband, not giving up home and family and kids for love. Does that sound like my love for my Owner is less real? Or that my submission to him is less real? I think both are very real and important in my life. And it's what works for me, for us. For now and for the foreseeable future.

The Sadist

He sounds so romantic sometimes doesn't he? And he is. And I really notice it around Valentine's Day. He's so sweet and says such nice things. About how I'm his and he adores me.

He says that he treasures my love and submission. And I know that's true.

He says that he is so glad he found me, that we found each other. I know that's true. We are an awesome fit.

And sometimes the sadist goes further than I want him to. That's the name of the game right? That he gets to choose. That he decides.

And I like that he decides. That I don't control him. That sometimes he is darker than me. And honestly it sucks when I want him to hurt me more than he wants it. Sometimes that happens too.

And sometimes he just goes way past where I want him to stop. Sometimes I know that he's going to hurt me. He sets out to hurt me. On those days that's his thrill. Knowing I want him to stop.

Sometimes I want to say "Please, no more. Please stop." I rarely do. Somehow it makes it worse, makes the pain worse if I ask and he ignores it.

I look the sadist in the eye and know that he won't stop. That his thrill is hurting me. That he knows exactly where I am. He knows I just want it to stop. He knows I am in endurance mode. And that's what he wants. Oh maybe he'd like it better if I was loving it all, licking it up. Often that's what he wants. But sometimes he wants it to be exactly what it is. Pain. Me enduring it for him. Because he wants it. Because he can.

I didn't say stop. I didn't ask him to stop. But he knew. It wasn't what he wanted. So he didn't stop.

Reciprocity

Possessiveness in D/s. Sweetkk touched on it a week ago in a post on Reciprocal Possession. Kind of a yearning post. Maybe mine is too.

I am possessive. Probably even more than I am jealous. As for how much that really is, I think the jury is still out.

And I get that in a classic D/s paradigm (if there is one), that I am his and I have no reciprocal ownership of him.

Even the language is tricky sometimes.

I am his. His sub, his little girl, his pet, his property even. And he has introduced the words property, even if we haven't talked it much.

He has exclusive rights to my submission. He tells me what to do. He tells me what not to do.

And he calls me "Mine" sometimes with a tone in his voice that is very very possessive.

I feel the same way about him actually. Though it's kind of frowned on I think. Subs are supposed to just be greatful for what they get right? Just be patient, and submissive and greatful. But I'm greedier than that, more possessive than that.

He's my Dom, my Master, my Daddy, my Owner.

He is MINE as much as I am his.

Yes I have to share him sometimes. He has made clear that he wants variety and will continue to want it and to take it. He likes other subs, desires them, plays with them, hurts them. What does he feel for them? I know he feels desire. Power. Lust. Excitement. I know he cares about them. They aren't nothing to him, not just a way to get off. They have feelings for each other. Does he feel possessive? I don't know. Probably a bit. Because he's that way I think.

What do they feel? I don't know all of it. Desire, submission, desire to please him, love sometimes. Do they feel this possessive? I don't know. I know they want him to want them. I think they want what I have. Without the jealousy and bad parts presumably.

Because sometimes there are jealousy and bad parts. And jealousy sucks.

And I try to manage it. Maturely. I know he loves me. I know I'm special to him. I know, I know, I know.

But inside me, sometimes, there's that 3 year old who doesn't want to share. Not lying on the ground having a full out tantrum, not even pouting or stamping her foot perhaps. But wary looking. Determined. You can tell she's thinking "I'll share. A bit. Cautiously. But that's not yours. He's not yours. He's MINE."

Where Did You Meet Him?

I asked for questions and did get several, and I'll answer but probably not all at once. What would be the fun of that? And yeah, they could have short answers but y'all aren't here for the short answers are you? The question of the day asks "Where did you and your Sir meet?"
We met in a chat room. A yahoo dungeon chat room to be more precise.

I had discovered chat a couple of weeks before. I don't know exactly how long. Maybe 3 or 4 weeks? I was chatting with people, making friends online, looking for fun and flirtation and cybersex.

And I had been looking at the titles of the rooms. Most were generic chatroom titles. Some were, lean close now and I'll whisper it, dungeon rooms. They were meant for darker things. For darker people. For people who liked things that weren't for nice girls. For perverts maybe. And I wanted in so damn bad.

I was so drawn to the idea of dungeons. And yet so terrified. Of what you'll ask. Of someone seeing me there and knowing that I wanted to be ... spanked, chained, used and beaten? Yeah, all that. I hadn't really faced it yet for myself. I didn't really acknowledge yet that I was submissive. I was searching for myself and what I needed. And peeked in the dungeon, kind of knowing that some of what I wanted was in there, and yet... so nervous about it.

I think I was nervous about acknowledging what I wanted, and probably just as nervous about whether the big kids in the dungeon, the real Doms and subs, would know I didn't really belong there. I was afraid to speak, afraid they would notice me.

So I had been in them several times. For fairly limited periods of time each time, cause often when someone would talk to me, I'd panic and flee. And yes, I do get how lame that sounds. So true though. Peeking in, listening to or reading the conversations in the main room.

I think it was probably the third visit to a dungeon. And this Dom messaged me. And yes, I'm sure that other Doms had messaged me. Variations on "Fall to your knees and worship me slut". Which didn't really make me want to do that.

He sent me a message, I think asking me if I was a submissive and what I was doing there. Asking me what I was searching for. And we chatted. And that night he told me what his name was, but that if we had the kind of relationship he hoped for, that I'd call him Sir, and then Master. And he asked me if I liked pain mixed with my pleasure. And, I'm not sure if it was that night or the next, that he gave me a task to go buy some clothespins.

We chatted for a couple of weeks, just messages and emails and then we talked on the phone and I was hooked. Totally.

I had chatted with a hundred guys in the short time I had been online. Maybe more than that? Who knows. And when I met him he felt special. Not that I was looking for "The One" because I really wasn't; I was looking for myself. But he felt like someone I wanted lots more of and I did know that right away when I met him.

I thought he was smart and funny and dark and so damn sexy. He was a little older, very arrogantly sure of himself and a bit scary. And the explicit focus on power and sexuality and his willingness to discuss them at length were all parts of what intrigued me. I felt like he was 100 miles ahead of me on the D/s journey. I felt like he could see inside me. I wanted him. And I wanted desperately for him to want me. Totally hooked.

Formspring

Recently one of the bloggers posted something about Formspring and it got me thinking about the subject. This particular post was drawing attention to her Formspring box on her blog and solicited questions. Neat. And I like questions. Cause I'm a bit of an exhibitionist.

And especially when I am struggling to find something to write about, days like today,  it would be wonderful, wouldn't it? Inspirational even.

Except that...

Well, except for lots of things.

And what's Formspring anyway? First the research; yeah you know me by now. Formspring is, according to Wikipedia, "Formspring is an Online Form Builder and Internet hosting service, which enables users to create online forms such as surveys, contact forms, or event registrations. On November 25, 2009, they launched Formspring.Me, a social media site where users can ask each other anonymous questions. ..."

Kind of like Truth or Dare. Remember we used to play that? The thrill of the danger of... questions that you weren't sure of? Questions you couldn't control. But of course you had to answer. That was the rule. And the scary dares. Because it couldn't always be "truth". Sometimes it would be "dare". Where someone could tell you what to do. Yeah, looking back I can see what the 15 year old me loved about that game.

Except that, there are things that I don't want to talk about cause they make me too traceable and I really really don't want this blog to run up against my real life. It would be bad for me (oh so bad) for me for my naughty submissive masochist life to be discovered by my professional life or by my kids.

So what about this? Ask me things that don't try to find the physical me. And I'll try to answer.

Hmmm... now do you think I can figure out how to use that formspring thingy? The answer... yes. At least I have figured out how to make the widget appear. So ask me there or ask me here, and let's see how it goes...

Valentine's Day

What do you think of Valentine's Day?

Don't get me wrong. I like getting chocolate or flowers or jewellery. I really do. Really.

But it seems to me that Valentine's Day kind of links with a romantic love that perhaps doesn't really jive with a D/s relationship. I guess I mean that I don't think it jives well with a male dominant female submissive relationship. The other way around, female dominant and male submissive, I think it goes beautifully.

I think its provenance is really a courtly love tradition, stemming from the middle ages. Don't you? With knights paying homage to their fair ladies and wooing them. Perhaps battling for their favours, duelling with other knights or even slaying dragons. Going on quests to prove their devotion.

And it's become a kind of day for puppy love. For expressions of first love, sweet love, romantic love. Oh there are links with passion. And Hallmark certainly plays it all up as do sex stores and drug stores and jewelry stores and lingerie stores. Buy your woman a gift to show her what she means to you. "Show her she's the one." "Show her you'd marry her all over again."

And in my submissive relationship with my Master, I want him to love me, in fact I want him to love me a LOT. And I definitely want his attention.

But the idea of him wooing me? I dunno. It's not what I want really. And perhaps I am unnerved by the idea that he might turn from my Big Bad Dom to a sensitive romantic lover? Nervous about him mooning after me and prepared to do my bidding in order to win my favour?

Maybe I'm more worried about what that could turn me into? The kind of bossy controlling girlfriend I was in college. And what THAT would do to my relationship with Big Bad.

Yikes.

And no, one day of romantic love or adoration won't change things. He does have a romantic streak (yep, the secret is out now, sorry Sir) but he's pretty damn quick to push me back in my place and put a foot on my neck if he thinks I need it.

Of course there are two sides to any relationship, and I can dress pretty for Valentine's Day and pay him special attention. But I do that every day right? I can let him know that I adore him and would do anything for him. But I do that lots of days right?

So in a world where I do exactly what he wants every day anyway, or try to, what makes Valentine's Day different?

A Pretty Damn Good Day

Yesterday we finally had a day alone together. I feel like there should be a long pause for effect or trumpets sounding in the background or something. We finally had a day alone together.

It has been fucking AGES. Really we haven't had a whole day for just us since October. 3 months. And a tiny bit.

Most of it complications at his end. Occasionally complications at my end.

And it's not that we haven't had any time or any communication. We have had snatched bits of time, we talk all the time, we text and chat and email and talk and talk and talk. But it's different to have time alone together. To be private.

To dress for him, to play, to hurt or be hurt. To sink into the submission he demands. To love. To cuddle a bit afterward. To feel the connection we need with each other.

Yesterday we finally had a day. Alone. Together.

We were pretty damn good going into our day. And it was a pretty damn good day.

Okay, maybe not perfect. Don't you hate when your parts get rubbed raw?

But still a pretty good day. I love you Master.

Letter To My Owner - Part 3

i started writing you this email to tell you how i felt. and then you came back.

"time to feed your sadist now" you said, and had me pull up my top and you put the clamps back on me. first on my right nipple, god so sore, making me want to cry. it felt like it was on wrong, must be on wrong because it was pinching me, hurting so much, but then when i put the other one on it did too, just so sore today, and you played at pulling the chain up and down. tighten it more, and more, pulling the loose end down 1/4 inch at a time to pull the other side up, more and more, now let it go, don't even think about it you said to me, just do it, and i did. so sore, time to feed the sadist.

now do it again. pull it.

eventually you let that one go, and then teased me with the other one, had me hold it there, near the other nipple, and then put it on, god it hurt so much, i wanted to beg you not to do it, but i don't, i just endure, there's no real chance of escape from the sadist when he's like that anyway, and then you teased me with it, taunted me maybe a better word, and it hurt so much already , made worse though in knowing it was going to get worse, you had me pull on the other clamps, and then let me put my fingers on my clit but it was 2% sex against 98% pain no way past it.

pull down your pants and get the big vibe you said so i did, and you let me put it on my clit and turn it on, and much to my surprise, and perhaps to yours too, it turned into sex, hot, trembling, still huge pain, you were focused on the pain, talking to me, the clamp twisted over as i bent over working the vibe, pulling my nipple down, hurting hurting,

and the vibration on my cunt, making me need to cum, knowing the pain would be immense when i came, not caring. it had been immense before anyway, i needed the escape of the sex, welcomed it, knew i would cum, could cum if you let me, and you said go ahead if i could, perhaps you didn't think i could get there, but i did almost immediately i think,

and the pain , god the pain was huge. and then did you put the loose clamp on my other nipple again? when i wanted and needed it off you stepped it up? hard to remember, just this impression of huge pain, unmanageable pain. doing because you told me to, but way beyond wanting to.

finally you let me take them off. i remember i was kind of surprised, maybe somehow i thought you would make me wear them forever? dumb huh? and then you dressed me and had me take the collar off and kiss it.

thank you Master for both of my cums. and for all your attention. And for making me feel as I've felt today. I freakin love you sooooo much.

i was afraid btw that someone would come home, it was getting very close to 230 and i was nervous , i had visions of them coming home and me scrambling to recover and hurting myself even more in the process.

so that's what i thought. oh - and when you told me to let go of the clamp, just let it go, without thinking of it, i did, just as you asked , and it flashed through my mind then that you could get me to do most anything just that way. just do it, don't think. no, of course i have limits but... I'm not sure where they are today

this email is two parts isn't it Sir? first part puppy and humiliation and submission and sweetness, eagerness.

second part darker, sadism, pain, enduring. knowing there is more. trying to offer, to submit, to want to give it, but getting harder.

Master, is there another kind of pain that would taste sweet to you that i could offer, as my nipples are getting so sore... obviously if it's my nipples you want, of course you must have them, but perhaps you have another taste as well or instead that I could offer that would sate some of your need?

Your submissive one

Letter To My Owner - Part 2

and then you arrive Sir. not surprising me at all

and have me get my clovers and do i want them? I have no fucking idea. hurt me, use me, do as you will with me. i want to serve you Sir

and my collar, that i know about, that i want, because you want it. does it make me more your puppy? I don't know... its not something that i associate with being your puppy at all. so maybe

i put the collar on, and then the clamps, threading them through the ring, the right, then the ring, then the left. it hurts a ton. i wonder if it will distract from the scenario, from the heat, it doesn't matter, its about serving, about pleasing, submitting.
they hurt a ton, did i say that? and i fiddle with the webcam a little and that hurts too, you say masturbate now, and i start and god, I'm so hot, so needy, and i could cum right away, i try to back off, i don't know what you want. i type to you asking to cum and you type back not to type anymore, i can hear the subtext, "puppies don't type"

and you tell me to just masturbate and cum, and i want to, going to... god I'm close.

but what about the clamps? you say you are leaving now and i should masturbate and cum but do i leave the clamps on? for how long, its super scary, what if you forgot about them? What if you leave them on me for ages? what if? i don't care, i want to cum and you wanted me to cum, so I'm touching and I'm on top of it anyway, never any question of whether it would hurt too much to cum for you today
and i came, i was right on top of it for ages, I'm glad you were still there because you wanted to be, and i came and then you said i could take the clamps off when i wanted

i took them off right after i came, my fingers shaking. said thank you and then you were gone. i was shaking i think. pain and submission, desire to please.

i got dressed, slowly, shakily, the t-shirt scraping over sore nipples, so why not put a bra on? I have no freakin idea.

i put the vibe away, left the collar on, and the clamps on the collar as you had had them.

and i started writing you this email. and then you came back.

To be continued...

Letter to My Owner - Part 1

Today's post is part of an email I wrote to my Owner which he asked me to post here. I'm posting it in parts because it's too long. Aside from that, I'm posting it pretty much as is, with no punctuation or caps, which I normally tidy for you all. I don't even know what to say to introduce it to you, so I'll let it stand as is.

Master,

you told me i could masturbate this afternoon while i was alone, you said you thought i would want it, need it even and i don't know if you saying it made it so but i did need it


you said that it didn't need to be a puppy fantasy but that you wanted to know everything about it...

and Sir, it did need to be a puppy fantasy... maybe its all i am thinking about.

the timing today was terrible my available time starting as yours ended. i don't think that either of us expected to get time alone though and i don't think we thought of it as terrible, just unfortunate coincidence
i thought about waiting, saving it, writing something first but
i wanted the passion i feel for you today to be fresh in my mind as i masturbated and i don't know, did i think you'd think i was less eager if i waited? I'm not less eager today Sir. i am ... dying for it, for you, to submit to you. you were exactly right when you talked about my needs today, exactly right.

i knew what i would do

i came upstairs, wanting, needing to be naked. because you had said you wanted me that way. I'm dressed now, still upstairs, still wearing my collar though because it seemed wrong to take it off before i had to without permission. It IS wrong... and being dressed is a compromise to help me recover faster if they come home.

came upstairs and got naked. dropping my clothes into an untidy pile beside the computer. i was tempted to show that in the webcam too, me naked and the pile of clothes, as desired by my Master

the big white hitachi vibe, and me on my knees, had to be on my knees today, for the puppy thing, for a sign of my submission, just had to be

i started touching myself with the vibe, so hot so fast, i could have cum in the first 2 minutes, i slowed it, not wanting it to be too fast, but aware...
that i would have to tell about what i had thought about. wanting to tell and yet uneasy. i wonder if that's the word.

my fantasies, little flashes, not a real story, little slices of scenario, started with the scene from last night, you deciding i'm going to be your puppy, leading my with the leash, making me eat from the bowl on the floor, your comment about my hair getting in the way when I eat that way.

then you said, in my fantasy, first we go outside, then we'll come back in and you can cum then. and you take me, protesting a bit to the door and out to the yard, the grass cool with dew under me. and the terror of being seen and...
And no Sir, i don't want to go outside, i don't want to be naked outside and i don't want to piss outside which is implied in you taking me there. and i don't want to raise these things for you - but i thought them and they got me hotter, made me want you to demand them maybe.
I'm pondering what i just wrote to you. I'm going to leave it, have to leave it, its what you asked for, full disclosure, and its honest, and you'll sure know that.
but "uneasy" understates it all
it turned me on so much, the fantasy, i was afraid i would cum , kept taking the vibe off my pussy to make it last longer.
thinking about what i wanted, what you wanted, how submissive i feel to you. its not all about the puppy thing, and yes sir, i did think that as i masturbated, i really did, but how good the extra submission is for both of us, how it makes us what we want us to be

the fantasy, eating, yes sir, a little messy, and you comment on that, thinking about my hair and what you would do, whether you liked it messy, wondering what you'd have me eat, wondering how off balance i would be, kneeling, trying to eat. wondering, wondering, and yes sir, wanting it all a little,

god, wanting it all so much, because... i don't know why

and yes sir, both of those are true.
a flash of earlier today when you told me to pinch harder, to make it hurt as i debated whether to add pain to the mix and decided i would not. didn't want it.

you pet me and tell me good girl. i push the vibrator against my clit and ooooh god its so fucking good. i think of you watching me. you talk to me about training me, its a little scary, a lot scary maybe. you stroke my hair. i so want to please you
flashes of things. not a story, just flashes, dominance, ownership, power. submission.
and then you arrive. not surprising me at all, of course you want to be there.

More to follow...

Superbowl Party

Mick talks about having a kinky Superbowl party. That sounds fun I say uncertainly. Because I don't like football. Yep. I know that's almost treasonous. But whatever. I'm not even American, so I can say what I like right? You know people this isn't really the most important activity in the world? There are other things that are important besides football?

Yeah, like my Owner is listening.

He LOVES football.

He loves sports of all kinds but he totally loves football. And what he really really REALLY loves is college football. Especially when his team is kicking ass as well as footballs. Which it did this year. But sadly, college football is over for another glorious year. But at least we still have the Superbowl right?

So we've been together for lots of football seasons. And I think that my indifference to his mania doesn't usually register much.

But occasionally he gets a bug up his ass that I should care more about it.

And he has this football watching fantasy that I feature in. It's simple enough. He invites lots of friends over to watch the game and I provide service. Food, drinks, and sexual services. Is it blow jobs or ass fucking? I think it depends on the day. I'm naked or in one of those adorable French Maid outfits. Or I just have one of those little trays that girls who sold cigarettes used to have in nightclubs.

The thrill for him in this is probably in showing me off, in going public with me. In exposing and humiliating me. Less about the football and the friends are almost incidental in this fantasy. But they do need to be there. And multiple friends makes it better right? But of course he doesn't really have friends that would be impressed with this. They'd probably be more likely to think he was an abuser. Oh the harsh realities of reality.

So Mick and Molly's party would be perfect, wouldn't it? Food, drinks, friends, acceptance. Oh and football too I guess. Though I do understand that there would probably be lots of us in the same boat, or rather in the same French Maid outfits (or less), offering services. So it might not be exactly what he was looking for. But it's a start right?

So yes, Mick and Molly, I'm sure we're in for the kinky Superbowl party. Though the invite is a little late in coming. Could you set it up for next year? And I will see about getting a French Maid uniform. Maybe if I get one that's cute enough he'll let me wear it?

And guys? I'm glad there's gonna be tequila. I think I might need it.

But What's It Relative To?

It's hard to write today because I am so totally wrapped up with my Owner. It's amazing how good we can be when we are good. Freakin amazing. And it's all too raw and new and private and vulnerable to write about just now. So I'm not. But he points out that my blog is darker than we really are. So today, I'm telling the world, I'm deleriously happy in my submission today.

********************

I want to go back to yesterday's topic for a bit, to talk more about the masochists continuum. Some things I thought later, after posting, and some things are responses to the rest of you.

It occurred to me after I posted that I'm not sure if I'm talking about how much pain you desire or how much you desire pain. I think those two things might be different. Is it about how much pain one of us takes relative to the others, if there was a way to standardize would that make it clearer? Or is it about how much we crave it, how much they can make us want it? And the reasons we crave it, as an appetizer or the main course, as a way to offer service or as a thrill all its own?

I think that most Sadists (notice I give it the capital letter, as befits how important my Sadist is to me sometimes?) would say that its not how much pain a sub can take but how they take the pain. Are they willing? Do they struggle? Will they keep taking it after they don't want it anymore? Do they cry? Do they cry beautifully?

With pain, there's always a point where it can go too far. They can always push past the point where it's "good pain" and into bad. Time is on their side. They can always make you say uncle or stop or safe word. They can always make you cry or beg them to stop or scream for help. Is that what they want? Depends on the Sadist I guess.

I think that Sadists must need to calibrate new recipients (what word am I going to use here? Girls? Subs? Slaves? Masochists? Pain sluts? Victims?) I'm going to go with girls I think which will show some of my own assumptions. Sadists who want a relationship with their girls must need to calibrate them and understand how much pain they can take and work with that.

Presumably they start off slowly, testing, watching for results, evaluating the experience as they go. Does she like this? What about this? Is this too far? What happens when it's too far? Will she let me hurt her? Will she let me go so far it damages her? Will she use the safe word I've given her?

A paddle and a paddling that one girl might scoff at (beware of scoffing though, that's never a good stance) might reduce another to hysterical tears. And both honest reactions elicited by the same basic experience. Clamps that might make one beg for release might be perfect for another. So the Sadist learns to calibrate.

My own Sadist knows that clamps that hurt me but are bearable for 10 minutes will reduce me to a quivering weeping jelly after 60 minutes.

And those same clamps... how would they be on another girl? Well that's not really the point right? The point would be that he's looking for a response and can try different things til he gets it. Maybe it's not about having them on for 60 minutes or maybe it is. Maybe it's about having them on that long. Or maybe its about an instant response. So he'd change the equipment or use something gentler like clothespins or those nasty black office clamps and I'm pretty sure he'd get what he wanted.

I guess the point isn't your absolute tolerance for pain, it's something different.

I wonder if this is making any sense at all or just rambling? I don't think I'm at my most coherent today.

So getting to the comments from yesterday, I was intrigued at how many people felt they were moving up the scale, and seemed to think that was a good thing.  Maybe that's one of the common denominators (can I have more than one common denominator?) for people who read my blog?

And Kaya, you are definitely at least a 9. Yep. Remember the nails? And you asked for the nails.

SFP, you can be wherever you want sweetie. Want to be a 6? I don't mind.

And Lil, I think the negative numbers are normal people who just don't like pain. And the numbers above 10 are the crazy people. Who decides these things? Me. My blog, my scale. BUT... it's still in development so if you convince me, I can change it. And maybe I could be persuaded.

And my Owner says that he would put me at a 6.4 now. Don't you love that precision? And that I was a 2.7 when he met me. I was pretty happy at 2.7 and just didn't get sadism or masochism at all from either side. He says he's a 7 by the way, I think he's at least a 7.5. I do know he's further on the scale than I am, darker than I am. I know that I want to stop well before he does.

Everything is Relative...

So.. Who is the biggest masochist in blog world?

 I love the community that blogging forms. It's a network of friends and acquaintences. Each of us who blog are at the centre of our own little group of friends and followers and commenters and people that we read. Lots of the groups overlap of course, a network of social venn diagrams. I do count the followers and commenters who all have positions in that network too, but we know more about the bloggers and their thoughts than the rest of you. Maybe we are the extroverts and you are the introverts?

So you all know that I am a bit of a masochist. Not as much as some, but more than others. Yes SFP I see you waving your hand, I agree, I'm more of a masochist than you are. Nodding.

But where do I fit in the continuum? I think that compared to normal people (What's normal? Who decides this anyway?) I am pretty extreme. But I'm wondering about the rest of you.

So... If I'm a 6 on the masochism scale (bear with me for a minute here guys, I can't be way over on the far right end because there are some people, lots of people, who are way way WAY more extreme than I am. They take way more pain than me, and love it and crave it and rave about it. Yes, I crave and rave too. I admit that I do.

 ________________________________________
0     1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8      9     10


so.... If I'm a 6 and someone like Kaya is a 10. After all they play crazy rough and wild and he nailed her tits to a board and if I wasn't sick I would find it and link to it for you. (This post should be full of links to people and posts and pics but I'm sick and pathetic so it's not) Oh and he (Kaya's Master) did it cause she wanted it, because she fantasized about it and told him her fantasy... I get that there must be people who like pain more than she does but maybe they are all dead cause they found some crazy chainsaw wielding guy to give it to them.  Umm, I think Married Man's FuckToy must be a 10 too?

And maybe SFP is a 2 or a 3, wanting a little taste of it, but not too much. I'm thinking here of the experiment with the elastics on her nipples which she did NOT like, but the fact is that she tried it, wanting it, so that says something doesn't it?

And Nilla is further to the right of me on that scale but not way way further maybe a 7 or an 8? Based on the pictures of the bruises this week and the craving it and raving about it.

So... do you think I have it right? Feel free to move people around as required. And where do you fit? And if you feel like I have misrepresented you, jump in and say so ok?

And some caveats... It all needs to be in the right context right? I mean I don't just love pain for the sake of pain. If I stub my toe or have a toothache or something like that, I don't like that pain. But the right kind of pain, delivered by the right person in the right way, to please him. Ummm, yeah, that I do love!

So where do you fit? Oh and do you think maybe there's a follow up post on where the Doms fit? And how much they like to give?

Snow Day

I'm sick today so I'm feeling uninspired but in a clear bid for sympathy and attention I'm writing a blog post anyway.

Yesterday my Dom and I were supposed to have a day alone together. The first in months, literally. I've written on my blog that we set aside a day a week to play and connect and be alone together and how wonderful that was in our relationship. And it is. It's something we both treasure and protect.

But in the past several months he has had a variety of family issues that meant that he wasn't available for those special days. Which sucked. Sucked. We both tried to be grown ups about it. And we didn't know how long it would be for so we just made the best of it. What other choices were there?

And yesterday, finally, we were to have a day alone. Perfect. Perfect.

And then Snowmaggedon. The Big Snow. Snowzilla. Fucking snowstorm. I was stranded in a house with thrilled children having a snow day. No school, no travel, no special day. No way.

Sucks.

We spent the day online, chatting. Which wasn't the same at all I assure you.

Maybe next week? Or the week after? Maybe soon we'll be back to normal. But in the meantime it's sad to watch our one hope swept away.

I love you Master. Keep your fingers crossed for next week?

Bruises

It occurs to me that I don't like photos of bruises. It kind of feels wrong to me. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable to look at them on someone else. I don't like it at all. Not enough sadist in me to fill a teacup really.

I guess I don't mind actually having bruises that much. I'm a bit torn. I know I shouldn't like them. That it's sort of wrong. But I do like 'em. I like seeing them and knowing... it's like a little secret isn't it? He did this, he marked me. He's rough with me.

And he doesn't mark me much or often. He just doesn't. For various reasons.

But when it's happened, I like it. Mostly. In kind of a squirmy way.

I have this ongoing discomfort with pain. Umm, yeah I get how ridiculous that sentence is. What I mean is that I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea that I'm a masochist. And I'm not entirely comfortable that I'm in love with a sadist. And I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea that somehow our idea of love entails him hurting and humiliating me.

But most of the time that discomfort is buried under the desire for it. When we started I thought it to death, talked it to death, how could I be wired this way? How could he? And now, umm, I'm more comfortable with it most of the time.

But somehow less so with a physical reminder of it. I have this bruise. He hit me to hurt me. Because he likes that kind of thing. Yes, thrill. But unease too. I shouldn't be thrilled. Should I? But look. He hit me to hurt me. He loves me.

Yeah, it's messed up.

Protection

Recently I've noticed a spate of "protectorship" blog posts. I could link them, but I'm lazy today, so I'm not.

One was asking what a protector does, and the difference between a protector and a mentor. Short answer is that I’m not sure there is a difference actually.


One was saying that there’s a Dom who has another sub who is suddenly paying a lot of very flattering interest in her, and trying to advise and help her and it sounds like she isn’t sure what he wants.

And another was a long rant about how this Dom offered himself as a protector and then started bossing the sub around and telling her what to do, with her job, with her personal life, and wanting her to call him Sir and to ask permission for things. And she found it smothering and was really pissed at him. And yes it really was a rant. So …ummm… what the heck did you think it was gonna look like? Doms like control. That’s their gig. They like to advise and boss around. They like to tell you what to do and they like to be asked for and to grant permission. So I would imagine that most forms of mentorship or protection from a Dom to a sub would have some of those aspects.

My Dom has a couple of subs he mentors. Put up your hand anyone who is surprised by that? Imagine that, Sin’s Dom has more girls up his sleeve.

So… what does he do for these girls? And recognize that this is my impression, an impression from the outside looking in, rather than from one of the participants. Two of them read here regularly and might jump in and give more on this.

I think really he is kind of a part time Dom to them. He is a Dom on call. He talks to them about their relationships, he advises and encourages on various things, including fitness, he gives them a man’s point of view, a Dom’s point of view. He talks to their Doms. He negotiates on their behalf as required. He has helped them to choose new Doms. He makes them feel sexy and desirable and submissive. He might have some kind of sexual relationship with them.

He’s part big brother, part daddy, part boy friend, part personal trainer, part Dom. It can be anything he wants, anything they want together, it’s like any other relationship, defined by the people who participate in it.

In the rant I’m referring to the blogger wants to know how to get out of the relationship she’s gotten into. And it’s hard. I think it’s easier to define the relationship and expectations up front. Don’t you?