carpe diem

where to go now?

Friday, September 9, 2011

Intimidation - Vanilla

This isn't dirty, so if you are here looking for something dark and twisty today, you'll want to move along quickly. This is kind of angsty real life stuff.

I have to  write something for work and I'm nervous about it.

I write stuff all the time. I write here, as you know.

And for work I write memos and letters and presentations and briefing notes and persuasive stuff and ... this is different.

It's different because it's something to be published and I'm nervous about the permanence of it. I'm nervous about people reading it now or in 10 years and thinking wow, she was so stupid, she didn't get this at all. I'm nervous of them thinking I've missed the point, or made a bad argument or (worst of all!)  not done enough research.

It all just paralyzes me. I've started this paper I'm trying to write at least 3 times before. I research it, write it, play with it a bit and then for no apparent reason I just leave it and walk away.

I don't HAVE to publish stuff in my job. But it would sure help. It would help in terms of prestige and credibility and those would be good things.

I do presentations all the time. I'm good at them. Somehow the transience of the oral presentation helps me. Even if it's not perfect I can cover. I can distract, turn the conversation, shape the discussion. Control things.

I think it's needing to be perfect that intimidates me. But it's also somehow, just submitting the project and letting it sink or swim on its own.

Interesting how the language fits here isn't it? Control, submission.

So in this coming week, I need to find some way past that intimidation, to producing a product.

Wish me luck.


  1. Good luck ma'am... you can do this! If you can pull of all the other things that go on in your life that you share.. you can do this!!

    You do it all the time here!! Blogs are forever! :o)

    Just believe in yourself!

  2. You fret so!!

    You are wonderfully good, m'dear, at what you do. I'd love to see you not second-guess yourself so much...who cares what someone you don't know will think 10 years from now when they read your work?

    Have faith in yourself, in your knowledge, your understanding, and most of all, your wonderful capability to communicate.



  3. We know you can write, and we know you can think. You are quite good at both. You have drive. The blog, and your D/s journey illustrates that you have courage too...and the part about not having done enough research? I lol'd. I'm guess you tripled the amount needed? or more?

    This little bird wants to fly, or it wouldn't have pulled you back to it three times.

    "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear"- Ambrose Redmoon

    I'm not going to wish you luck,but encouragement instead.

  4. Good luck. I hope you can come to the place of seeing the words you will produce as a gift offered to people you do not yet know. Give your best. It will be enough.


  5. I am not sure I can say it any better than Littlemonkey said it but here's my two cents. Anyone who reads your blog knows that you are an intelligent woman, who puts a LOT of thought into the words you write here.... so why would that be any different in a paper, or a memo, or a presentation?

    You take your profession very seriously, so I highly doubt that you didn't do enough research and that readers will think you're missing the mark.

    In many decades, the thinking may seem a bit outdated... but not because you didn't know better about it now! Sheesh... my mom smoked and drank while pregnant with me, and then drove me home from the hospital while I was laying in the back seat of the car... which had NO seatbelts for anyone! How barbaric, right? Back then, they simply didn't know the ramifications of those choices.

    Why would your paper be any different? Now... get the negative, unproductive thoughts out of your head... and put the proverbial pen to paper and get writing!!! You'll kick ass!!!


  6. Sending lots and lots of positive energy...

    Insightful post too ~ it flows with my thoughts on why i can be so disciplined with my blog and so not-well-disciplined with other stuff... and the hope that the work we do here creates growth and strength in our vanilla worlds.