This isn't dirty, so if you are here looking for something dark and twisty today, you'll want to move along quickly. This is kind of angsty real life stuff.
I have to write something for work and I'm nervous about it.
I write stuff all the time. I write here, as you know.
And for work I write memos and letters and presentations and briefing notes and persuasive stuff and ... this is different.
It's different because it's something to be published and I'm nervous about the permanence of it. I'm nervous about people reading it now or in 10 years and thinking wow, she was so stupid, she didn't get this at all. I'm nervous of them thinking I've missed the point, or made a bad argument or (worst of all!) not done enough research.
It all just paralyzes me. I've started this paper I'm trying to write at least 3 times before. I research it, write it, play with it a bit and then for no apparent reason I just leave it and walk away.
I don't HAVE to publish stuff in my job. But it would sure help. It would help in terms of prestige and credibility and those would be good things.
I do presentations all the time. I'm good at them. Somehow the transience of the oral presentation helps me. Even if it's not perfect I can cover. I can distract, turn the conversation, shape the discussion. Control things.
I think it's needing to be perfect that intimidates me. But it's also somehow, just submitting the project and letting it sink or swim on its own.
Interesting how the language fits here isn't it? Control, submission.
So in this coming week, I need to find some way past that intimidation, to producing a product.
Wish me luck.