So I spent the weekend lurking around the internet looking for news of Kaya. Her blog was down and I was confused, frustrated, annoyed with that stupid smiling squid that was there in the place of her words of wisdom all weekend. I refreshed over and over, hoping she was back. Confused about what had happened, whether she had forgotten to pay the bill, or had moved and forgotten to leave a forwarding address. I didn't even consider that she might have left us all for good. Taken down her site. Wow.
Its odd, I think that bloggers like her, who have zillions of readers don't consider that we are her friends. She doesn't think of us as friends, and why should she? She doesn't know us. We know her, as she has chosen to share so much of herself with us, but she knows far less of us, with a few exceptions of people who she has become close to.
We are strangerfriends as someone said. We peek into her life. She shares some of it, restricts other parts. And we think we know her. We want to know her. We want the intimacy of knowing her. We like her, and want her to like us too. We wish her well.
This past weekend when I couldn't find her, I kept looking, compulsively, hoping that someone would mention her, someone would have word of her. But I didn't find her anywhere. And I missed her.
I knew that if she wanted to disappear forever she could and I couldn't prevent it. I had no way of finding her, like a casual friend who stops showing up for drinks at a bar, or doesn't turn up at the bus stop anymore.
Like the friend at the bus stop, we don't really know her, don't know her last name, or her phone number, where she lives or but we value her friendship, her humour, her insights and we hope that she will let us know.
And when I found her there today, her blog back, at first I was delighted, she paid the bill, all was forgiven, but with the first line, where she says "I had every intention of shutting down and walking away..." my heard sank.
Your strangerfriends are sad for you Kaya, we wish you well. We feel we know you, we want what is best for you. We even think we know what that is. Is that hubris?