carpe diem

where to go now?

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Post-Release

... and now?

He released me.

I'm devastated.

I'm not coping. Or, I guess I am. I eat, sleep, go to work, try to interact normally with people. I walk around and everything is different.

I'm grieving for a relationship that was huge to me.

No one tells you how to do this in a Dom/sub context.

How to just be dumped by the guy who was my Dom, my Daddy, my Master. My friend. My lover. Who controlled so many things in my life.

I was honest. Open. I gave him all of me. That's what he demanded. And guess what? He decided he didn't want it.

It's...

My mind spirals. I'm out of control. I cry. I bargain. I overthink it. I spend hours, days, talking about him with my one friend who knows about him. I don't sleep. I alternate between binge eating and talking myself out of it.

And he... ? Is not the man I thought he would be if and when he released me.
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10 comments:

  1. Mick CollinsJuly 31, 2016 at 9:43 AM

    Sad to hear this Sin. We were wondering. But there is life after BB...surely.

    Mick

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sinAugust 2, 2016 at 10:59 AM

      Yes Mick, there is, but it sure messed me up.

      Delete
  2. abbyJuly 31, 2016 at 11:41 AM

    I am so sorry...i find this one of the scariest things about giving all of yourself. But, breathe, get through each day one long hour at a time, one small step at a time...not easy, but necessary. And know..I..and many others, are thinking about you and sending you good thoughts and healing whammies.
    Thank you for sharing this..
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sinAugust 2, 2016 at 11:00 AM

      Thanks Abby, and yes it is the scariest thing about giving yourself.

      Delete
  3. TSPDJuly 31, 2016 at 1:55 PM

    I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I want to validate that you have figured out something important when you say "he's not the man I thought he would be if and when he released me". Responsible Dominants handle breakups very differently than what you are reporting. They understand the dependency involved in the dynamic, and they take steps to ensure the /s has support. Responsible relationship ending *does* get talked about in M/s circles, I encourage you to find a MAST chapter or come to Master slave Conference over Labor Day. I hope that coming into our circle would give you the context and skills to identify next time someone who is truly worthy of your submission and trust. At minimum, it would give you some support from others - on both sides of the slash - during this difficult time. It could help you heal.
    Statelypleasure.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sinAugust 2, 2016 at 11:01 AM

      This really helped. It was actually the first time I had thought of what I was going through as kind of normal. So, I've been researching resources, and might look at finding a support chapter. Thank you very much.

      Delete
  4. Bleue D'âmeAugust 1, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    So sorry.
    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  5. oliviaAugust 2, 2016 at 6:23 AM

    Oh, sin. I'm so sorry. i can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you. i didn't realize this just happened. Good grief. You know where to find me if you want to talk.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sinAugust 2, 2016 at 11:02 AM

      Thank you, yes, it's fairly recent, but not just just. But it's still pretty raw.
      I do know where to find you and I will come and talk eventually. Thank you.

      Delete
  6. honeyAugust 7, 2016 at 7:28 PM

    I am so sorry, and I believe you already saw what you needed to see. I know you hurt I cannot imagine your pain, just know You are SPecial and you are important one day your true Dom will never let you doubt that. I am so sorry for your pain.

    ReplyDelete

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