carpe diem

where to go now?

Tuesday, August 2, 2016


I'm really glad I posted what I did the last time on being released and that several of you said there were resources I could go to. Thanks for steering me that way. I've started researching release in Dom/sub relationships.

And it turns out that not surprisingly, they are different. We are different. We want to please, our relationships are about pleasing, about earning approval, so release is a clear sign that hasn't happened.

We put more into the relationships in terms of trust, honesty, dependency. If it's real we do. I guess this isn't mandatory.

Maybe even the fact that it's s different kind of relationship where all the norms aren't all laid out for us to see right from the beginning? So we don't know what to look for in a Dom, don't know what to select for, don't know how to be, during and after, don't know the risks.

Sagacity says: Coping with release produces some of the toughest emotions a submissive will ever face. Lost, alone, scared, lonely, no direction, unfocused, failure, guilt, panic, disappointment, depression are but a few of the emotions.

Yes, all of that. Wow. It really isn't just me gone crazy all of a sudden. What I'm feeling is normal in this situation. Because I do feel crazy, panicked, out of control. Bargaining, hysterical. That I'm a failure, disappointing - I feel like I wrecked my relationship. I feel scared. 

The withdrawal of approval is killer. It's brutal to my self-esteem and my sense of purpose. Directionless. Depression. Grief. 

I feel like I was a fool to do this, to trust, to put myself in this situation. Like I will never trust someone that way again. I did this to myself on purpose. This is my own fault for trusting. 

Anger. Thank goodness for the anger which is finally starting.

My best suggestion is to not face them alone. Seek out sis/bros, they have been there, they can help you through it.

Most people in my life don't know that I had this relationship and I can't out myself now.

I have one amazing friend, and I've leaned on her pretty heavily. She has been amazing and sympathetic and helped me and listened to hours of me talking, crying, silent. She seems like an endless well of friendship and she must be so freaking fed up with me. If I was her, I would be. 

So I'm reaching out to blog world. If any of you have any suggestions about anything you can think of that will help, I think I'm open to any and all. Links, books, pep talks, advice, (even advice that I should buck up), things I should do or think or just sympathy, I can use all the help I can get. 

Or if it's happening to you, or has happened. Write to me and let me know and maybe we can help each other. I know I'm not the first, and won't be the last. 

Some of you have already offered support, sympathy, advice or a hug. I really appreciate it. It's actually amazing how much it helped. Thank you. 

Hopefully your Dominant will also help you as much as possible, with Their aftercare of you.

No. He really hasn't. More on this later. But he really has not. Turns out that's important. 

I've found several sites with info, and I probably won't go through them all, some strike me as more helpful to me right now. But I'm going to start to keep a list of links that help. If you have suggestions, I welcome them.


  1. Remember that the Stages of Grief apply to all kinds of endings, not just a physical death and that the Stages are not linear. You may bounce around between anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, and back. This is perfectly normal, if deeply unsettling.
    i found it really hard to make my own choices again, so practice with something that makes you feel good. Maybe you want to try a new scent, new bath products, new candles.
    Don't underestimate the power of writing. Perhaps keep a gratitude journal so that you have a focused place for acknowledging the good things in life during this trying time.
    Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to fall apart and get back up again. Do something kind for the little girl inside, who is likely the most traumatized part of you right now.
    Forgive yourself. Over and over again. This is not a reflection upon you, your character, your worthiness.
    Find a play partner, if you can, someone who can help you relearn how to feel those sensations apart from him. Make it about you-so maybe find a Service Top. It can help you release.
    Get a massage. Your body needs touch to heal.
    This will sound a bit nuts but sit in a quiet room and look into your own eyes in the mirror when you feel lonely and scared. There is something strangely soothing that happens and it works wonders.
    Work on any hobby that brings you joy and loose yourself in it every day.
    Many hugs.

  2. Jade ...what a wonderful response. You do have to allow yourself to grieve, and go though all those stages...and pamper yourself. Time is needed, and you will heal...this is a good place for keep us posted and you will get lots of them...wish it could be over a glass of wine..
    hugs abby

  3. Your friend loves you. Since your friend is so far away that she can't do anything physically for you, like hug you when you cry ply you with alcohol and ice cream or smack him upside his (pecker)head, she does what she can do. ;(|)

    (my not a robot task was to pick all the images with candy, LOL!)

  4. This sucks. I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
    Everything Jade has said!

  5. It's been two years since my ex-Dom decided that we were done. That he couldn't do any of what we were anymore. No fight. We had just had a scene and had sex in the basement and when we came upstairs into the living room...he said he couldn't do this anymore.

    We stopped talking for a while. We'd been friends first. But I was spiraling bc a different ex of mine was living three blocks away and I couldn't get the courts to do anything about it, even though I had a protection from abuse order against the asshole.

    My ex dom was...well he said he wanted to marry me one day. I don't think I've ever said that anywhere before. We fought through hell and back to be together, bc of my other ex being the asshole he was. And then once things started to look up, he just left.

    I will say I'm with someone now. It's not the same. I haven't learned how to give up that trust again. I hope it'll come back in time. My ex dom and I started talking again in Feb. What a mess that was. I have nightmares sometimes when we have casual text conversations. Nightmares about his flaws, about him caring...and worse things. Things that he never actually did.

    I don't really have answers. Time, maybe. I've been reading your blog longer than I've had this profile. Since 2011, I think. You and lil are the bloggers I found first, all those years ago.

    Eventually the wounds will heal. I don't know what they'll look like when they do, but they will heal. And you keep moving forward because they aren't worth anything else. Your pain is worth the stumbles and falls, but they aren't.

    The best advice I can give you is to never speak to him again. Don't look into his life. It'll only cause you pain. I'm speaking from experience here. If he's not helping you heal and being there for you, get him the fuck out of your life because he's already shown that he's not worth a second more of your time.