carpe diem

where to go now?

Monday, March 31, 2014

What Makes a Good Dominant?

 Sofia asks What is the most important quality for a Dominant? Has your opinion on this changed over time?

Gosh. I think there are several things that are important. And I think they are really just important to me, I don't know about anyone else.

And these aren't necessarily the things that would make him attractive to me, but the things that would make him a good Dominant.

Consistency. He has to respond basically the same way to things, day after day, year after year. If you let someone else control your stuff, they have to be fairly predictable or it won't work.

Realism. He has to understand you aren't going to jump off a bridge or murder your family in their beds. He has to start off slowly and not give you things to do that you balk at early on. He has to get your agreement to his dominance.

Imagination. He needs the ability to put himself into your shoes, just a little, just enough to understand what it feels like to X or Y or Z. So he knows about  (and probably gets off on) your pain, isn't just oblivious to it.If he's causing the pain, he should at least know and value that it's there. Or something like that.

Anyone else? What do you think?

And has my opinion changed over time?

Probably, like everything else does. But I think I always wanted consistency. It's a bit like living under the rule of law. You need to know what's allowed and what's not. If not, you don't know when you are breaking the rules and when you aren't. And it's not fair if you don't know, and I'm all about fair. I don't break the rules on purpose very often. 


  1. Fairness is soooo important, what's wrong today will be wrong tomorrow...etc. clear expectations and such...


  2. "I don't break the rules on purpose very often."

    Which leads to wondering what motivates those occasions?

  3. Consistency is very important to me also. Living under a despot is only tolerable if you can predict what will be right and wrong.

  4. There's fair, and then there's fair...

    I have to admit your statement, "I'm all about fair" made me chuckle. Yes, I agree that consistancy regarding rules and expectations is just and honorable, but power exchange in a relationship, by it's nature is inherently unfair. I'm drawn to D/s by that very unfairness.

  5. Excellent sin. All are important in a relationship.


  6. What wonderful answers, Sin. I think I agree with you, that those are really important for a dominant. You do need to know what to expect. Thanks!