carpe diem

where to go now?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

My blog

Today I told HIM about my blog and he was angry as I had thought he would be.

I was angry and defensive too. I knew when I did it that there was a good chance that he wouldn't like it, that he might forbid it, or tell me to wait, or at the very least, that he would want it to be different than I wanted it.

I think I did want it to be somehow a refuge, a private place, a place where I might somehow find friends who would support me, understand me. Where I could say things that were important to me without having to defend them.

But I think I always knew that it wasnt going to be quite what I wanted it to be, that it would disappoint on various fronts. Some bloggers have 100s or 1000s of people who read their stuff every day. Would that kind of readership have appeared to me as success? Would I have felt like I was making friends that way?

Its unrealistic to imagine that I would have tons of people who would read a blog if it was as eclectic as I really am, concerned with the things in my life, my kids, my men, my body, my submission, even my professional stuff. There's no real way to blend all that into something that people come back to read.

And... I'm not entirely sure I want them to. I wanted a place to write my thoughts more than anything else, a place where I wouldn't be judged. I wanted this blog to be a completely unjudgemental forum.

I kept it secret while I played around with it, wondering what I wanted it to be. And I kept it secret from HIM partly because of the timing of it. When I set it up I did know he wouldnt like it if it was a secret.

BUT there are a couple of reasons for not sharing the address of this place with him. One is that he might forbid it. One is that the might forbid me to talk about our relationship here, which is a huge part of me. Or will want it private which defeats what I think I want here. One is that knowing that he is reading shades my writing.

If I write I am angry, I have to justify it. If I write that I have eaten a plate of rum balls I will be lectured. I wanted a place to just write I think.

HE says that I have betrayed a trust by keeping this a secret, that I have lied by not telling about it.

This all makes me feel like crying. And eating.

Why cant he see this as something I did tell rather than something I withheld? As I did tell it today. And really, after the beginning of December when it started there wasnt a damn thing in it besides diet and weight and exercise resolutions and laments.

None of this sounds very submissive does it? And I would like to be submissive. But I feel like I am exposed and defensive. I feel like all my answers about "why" will somehow focus on fairness. Its not fair that he be angry at me because I write about my weight. Its not fair that he be angry that I keep a diary. Its not fair that he be angry that I have a blog.

Those are the things I thought this afternoon. And I have a reason for why each thing is not fair. And yes I do recognize that fair isnt what our relationship is supplsed to be about.

HE said that he wants to control every bit of my online life. And I have agreed to that. I'm not sure what that means for my blog. I think I will miss it if it goes.

I guess thats all.

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