carpe diem

where to go now?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


This blog started off ostensibly about submission and hasn't progressed very much in that direction. There are reasons for that; my Dom was away when I started it, without his permission I might add, so I knew I ran the risk of him being annoyed that I had strayed outside the lines. Except that it wasn't technically outside the lines, but, I will say that I had a sense that he might see it that way.

So, I should have told him. Except for two things. First, as I said he was away, and while we had some communication during that time, we didn't have much, and I thought he would almost certainly sigh in exasperation, and say "subgirl, not now", and put me on hold, which I hate: both the exasperation, and the putting me on hold.

Second, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it, whether I wanted a place where I could say things I don't say to him. In the rest of my life I am strong, assertive, bossy. I manage things and people. In my relationship with him I am submissive, and he loves that submissive part of me. And although I know he knows the other part is there, and he hears about the other part, and I think kind of admires the other part, he doesn't hear the other part talk about submission or about him. Complicated I know.

And its not that the submission isnt real. It is very real, and I love it and him, but sometimes its frustrating. And sometimes the hottest thing is the struggle of trying to submit.

Anyway, I did tell him. He was mad, said I had decieved him by not telling earlier. I have been punished. And now I am left wondering again, or still, how I want things to evolve.

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